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1st Trimester
Experience
Can someone explain to me why women who "struggle with infertility, miscarriage or infant loss" look down on us that haven't? Why is it so bad to come here and say that "I didn't expect to get pregnant, I am scared out of my mind to have this baby, I am not prepared for this child"?
Everyone struggles with different things in life, and I don't see why people who haven't experienced this has to be made to feel "guilty" for having ill feelings about their pregnancy. Please help me understand this.
Everyone struggles with different things in life, and I don't see why people who haven't experienced this has to be made to feel "guilty" for having ill feelings about their pregnancy. Please help me understand this.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Experience
If you're talking about TTGP girls, they lurk on here and are good souls.
ETA: mobile screwed up my wording.
One of the greatest lessons in life: Don't care what other people think!
It's okay to be scared! All first time moms are to some extent!
I've wondered this too and I try to be kind. There's no way to understand what they've gone through unless you've gone through it yourself. On the other side of that token, they also need to be kind and understanding of other types of struggles. Playing the IF card when they want to chew someone out for not wanting a pregnancy doesn't fly very far.
If she's legit and that's the first thing she noticed after joining, people need to change their tunes.
I was coming here to get advice and I noticed a post where women were jumping over a woman who was afraid. Why does it matter?
I have urge to call MUD right here because this post is really inflammatory.
I don't see anyone who has suffered loss, IF etc. "looking down" on anyone else. I see them stating their feelings openly just as the other people are stating their "ill feelings about their pregnancy". Just as the OP is allowed to feel what she feels so are the other posters.
I'm not sure there is a way to "help you understand this" unless you've walked in the shoes of someone in one of these situations (IF/Loss). No one in their right mind would wish that on you, so I would say count your blessings that you don't understand what these folks are talking about. Just realize that everyone, and yes everyone, is entitled to their emotions on these boards.
You can disagree with them all you want, but they are allowed to flame where they please or agree where they please. Put on your big girl undies and cope.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
I agree with this, but there's a difference between being passionate and being hateful.
Polka dot, polka dot, polka dot, afro...
Today is Mother's Day. Would you go up to a friend whose mother had just passed away and tell them about all the fun things you and your mom did today or how close you two are? That would be incredibly insensitive. You can be happy, but be respectful.
This makes no sense.
I came on the "first trimester" board to get advice on how to manage my feelings on being deathly afraid of becoming a mother. How am I rubbing this in the face of those who have suffered loss or IF? This board is for other pregnant women. This logic makes ZERO sense to me. I do respect those who have suffered loss however that doesn't make the way I feel "bad".
I don't recall saying your feelings were "bad". You can express your feelings while also being respectful of others. You don't need to mention how "easy" it was for you to get pregnant. And looking for sympathy because you don't know how to use birth control is pretty silly.
We are all happy and fearful about what could be. This is perfectly normal.
Just throwing this out here. If the reactions of these ladies upset you so much, then why not find a new community that might be better suited for you? I understand both sides of the coin. This wasn't intended with snark.
Emma Kate - born 10.16.03 @ 29 weeks, weighed 1lb 13oz and 13.5" long.
TTC #3
I am not somebody who struggled, but I am offended when people are insensitive. It is just not nice. Just trying to help you understand where people are coming from.
You clearly have no idea what your talking about. I've NEVER said getting pregnant was "easy" and where did you get the idea I don't know how to use BC?
This is what I'm talking about. Judgy people like you who assume something they know nothing about.
You asked why people get offended. If you insinuate such things.. they will get offended. I did not mean to put words in your mouth.
Still just trying to help you understand...... be nice ladies.
In the end everyone has the right to voice their opinions and that's that. It doesn't mean you have to agree. This is an open forum. I didn't agree with some of what both sides of the issue have said, but that doesn't mean I get my panties twisted in a wad. These are Internet strangers.
Tellinggem: I don't see another post from you detailing how you are afraid of becoming a mother? Are you the poster (under a different screen name?) that posted the "Suddenly Serious" thread below?
If so, then why didn't you post under your original screen name?
Did you delete the original post?
I'm just confused where you are talking about the responses to your thread when I don't see another thread from you.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Connor - 12/15/10 Abby - EDD 11/29/13
As stated above, I originally came here
to ask for advice and once I started reading threads, that one included I just wanted to know why others responded to that thread in that manner. I am not that poster however if that's what you all want to believe that is fine. It's a genuine question.
It's still there.
That's your opinion. Like you said this is a public forum and I can ask whatever I please just as people respond however they please. I'm quite aware of how the Internet works but thanks...
*Lurker from 3T*
Actually the analogy, I find, is quite sound. Though, if you have never lost a close loved one it may be confusing. You asked why would women want to make others feel bad about conceiving easily. You wanted the women here to help you understand why women who had trouble/ loss feel bitter seeing a pregnant woman. Did she exactly answer the question? No, but I can see where she was trying to put it in more relatable way. The loss of your loved one is hard. You miss out on the special experiences you once shared. You can no longer look at that person, or talk to them. IF/Loss is similar in that you miss out on getting to bond with your LO, you miss the kicks in the belly that tell you "I'm here mommy", you miss the cries at 3am. You miss the look on your DH/SO's face when they meet their new baby. You constantly struggle to achieve what your body was designed to do naturally. When you see a woman achieve it so easily (whether that woman was prepared for a child or not) its hard. Typically, the infertile woman does not wish ill upon the woman. You should try to understand that it is a constant emotional war that wages within ourselves. Most of the anger and bitterness is all frustration at our own bodies. Inwardly screaming at our ovaries, pleading with them to release one glorious egg that will make our dream baby. Begging our uterus to carry it to term. IF is a hard road. We just wanted to be mothers.
Please don't see the bitterness as a sign you should be ashamed. We can be happy for you, show excitement even, and be crying inside. Its not your fault. Don't feel bad for being pregnant, just don't expect other women to squee and jump up and down with you. Especially strangers, on the internet. No life experience of yours is going to be as interesting/exciting to others as it is to you. That goes for more than just babies.
While I agree, I believe she posted earlier saying that's she actually quite scared to become a mother. She's not looking to rub her excitement in anyone's face. She hasn't mentioned there's much excitement to share.
She's not. It's an AE I'm sure.
Not quite the way I meant that to read...although I am very aware now that it does read as if I took her to be excited... my bad. I know she is not rubbing anything in, I meant it to simply be a IFer's perspective of pregnant women... as in not to feel bad about her pregnancy over us, we don't wish any bad things for her.
Alter Ego
I don't think women who have suffered loss, myself included, look down on others. I think sometimes the things that women complain about during pg is sometimes a slap in the face, so to speak, to other women who would give anything to go through that. Doesn't mean we are not happy for you it's just a "sting" you won't understand unless you've experienced this type of pain.
While I can't understand being afraid to become a mother I definitely feel for you. Do you have any family you can reach out to for support? I wish the best for you.
This! She didnt' post this on the TTTC, TTGP, CFNBC, etc etc. She came to to the FIRST TRIMESTER. Therefore she SHOULD NOT have to worry about women who are going through IF, IVF etc etc.
I never lurke on the Adoption or LGBT forums because it doesn't apply to me. So why come to the First Trimester board to flame women who are newly pregnant?
This has to be an AE - Look at her SN "Telling Em" - Like "Telling them." Not very creative for trying to tell everyone off
DD 2.0 ~ 12/30/2013
I've found internet message boards to have higher percentage of members with infertility. Just by the suckiness of the diagnosis, or lack thereof for unexplained infertility, we've had to spend a lot of time researching and that lands us on TTC and pregnancy sites more often than others, for better or worse. We're generally quieter about infertility in regular world too, so probably a lot more people have IF in their history than you realize.
So you've opted into a community with more of us. Sorry it feels like we're raining on your parade. Consider maintaining your innocence about how making babies is so easy as your consolation prize. I don't feel motivated to explain anything about infertility to you. I don't think you want to understand.
Infertility isn't something you can describe unless you have been there. Even now after two healthy children and having one on the way I still have scars on my heart from that journey years ago. It still stings when women take their pregnancies seemingly for granted.
That being said, I do think it is a little sanctimonious for women to come onto a board like 1st Tri and shame women for their feelings. 1st Tri is the appropriate board to vent about that kind of thing. When I was dealing with IF I personally didn't lurk on pregnancy boards and I'm sure a post like that would sting to read, but I wouldn't say anything because I would know that the context wasn't intended for me. It would be like someone who was dealing with sad feelings of being single/not being able to find someone to spend their life with going on theknot and shaming brides for having cold feet.
If the poster had put pregnancy fears/unhappiness on TTGP or IF or any of those boards then they would deserve whatever wrath came to them. But not all pregnancies are unicorns and rainbows. Sometimes they come at incredibly bad times and are incredibly scary. (I am a mental health counselor and work primarily with teens - I had countless unplanned teen pregnancies to deal with when going through my infertility treatments - I didn't pretend like those girls should have been excited and "thankful" for those situations) People who cannot remove themselves from their own situation and are unable to see that probably shouldn't be punishing themselves by reading 1st Tri.
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens
I am guess you've never had a loss or troubles with IF. I had a loss in Jan and before then I had a hard time understanding as well. For me, it's more of the "my life is over", "this is a mistake", "I still want to party" kind of crap that gets to me. If you have sex, you can get pregnant, not really sure why this is a shock. Take birth control, use condoms, and avoid fertile days if you don't want to get pregnant. It really isn't that hard. Be responsible. Seriously. A lot of the women that you're offending have tried for year, spent thousands, and have yet to be able to conceive. People who say their pregnancy is a mistake, or their life is over, are calling the baby a mistake. These women would give their left arm for your "mistake" baby.
It's okay to be nervous and not be prepared. It's a good thing pregnancy is 9 months. That gives you plenty of time to decide whether you want to adopt out or parent.
I would give anything to still be pregnant with my baby that was due in August. That baby wasn't planned, but we knew it was a possibility. So when people complain about not wanting to be pregnant, it pisses me off.
I'm not taking a stance on either side here...but that statement above that's not fair to say. I'm very passionate about this pregnancy, and my first, and I'm one of those women who "it just happens for." Of course I come form a different perspective since I haven't struggled to get pregnant, but you can't say that I'm less passionate than someone who has struggled...and this coming from someone with many friends who have struggled...someone with many friends who have miscarried...someone with a close friend who lost twins at 19 weeks. So yeah, I'm passionate, and I hold my friends dear to my heart along the way...being cautious of their feelings. Still, passionate for my own pregnancy..
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