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Blended Families
Anyone experience RAD? (Reactive attachment disorder)
I need help/advice. The situation is lonnnng but the jist of it is this:
My husband had 3 girls and I had 2 girls and a boy when we met. He has full custody (as do I). Blending our family has been stressful (of course) but it took a turn for the worse about 9 months ago. (I should mention his ex lives states away now and hasn't seen the girls in a year or so).
His 5 year old (will be 6 next month) has always been extremely difficult from the get go. She gets this look that is just blank and acts out horribly. She is very manipulative and has gotten very good at causing conflict in the house between the kids, my husband and myself. Since this incident has happened her behavior has been god awful and keeps getting worse.
Back in oct/nov she started molesting my 4 year old daughter and I didn't find out till Nov. of course I have been devastated/angry and have taken steps to separate the kids. (The two little girls were sharing a room). His daughter now sleeps upstairs with her biological sisters and I moved into the guest room with my 4 year old (3 at the time). This cause my husband and I to almost break up our marriage, I even took my 3 kids to a hotel for a while. His daughter is now in therapy and has been diagnosed as having RAD and possibly bipolar (her bio mom has bipolar).
All of this happened a few weeks after I found out I was pregnant. I was ready to take my kids and split, not because I don't love my husband but because there is nothing I won't do to keep my kids safe. We started marriage counseling and he has said many times that he will do whatever it takes to keep our marriage together and he does feel horrible about everything that has happened. Him and the counselor asked me to give counseling time to work (till April). The counselor wants to put his daughter into a facility for observation and he has agreed to it but I don't feel like its enough. I made it clear to the counselor that if his daughter doesn't move out (probably with her bio mom) me and my kids will leave (including our new baby that is due to come any day now). I gave everyone until school let's out as a deadline so I know what I need to do.
My husband and I haven't talked about the upcoming events at all and it seems like he has put off going to counseling lately in an effort not to deal with making a decision. I'm not even sure how to bring it up at this point without the counselor addressing it. I realize its a sensitive subject, I don't want his daughter in my house, my kids and myself and especially the new baby simply are not safe. I recently moved my youngest into a room with my oldest so all of our biological kids are separated and his daughter isn't allowed to leave her room (he set it up this way) unless she is going to school or church or for dinner. Then she has to go right back to her room. He sees how horrible she treats me and the kids and doesn't think twice about keeping her away.
Any tips? Ideas how to address this with him? Anyone deal with reactive attachment disorder? Our baby is due in a couple weeks and I'm lost, heartbroken, sad and angry that this cant be the joyful time it should be. I am close with his other two girls and he is close with my 3. Everyone here feels like we can't bond and live our lives until the situation is resolved.
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Re: Anyone experience RAD? (Reactive attachment disorder)
i have thought about that point exactly, but what about the 4 year old getting molested by her? What about the safety of the new baby (she has made comments about hurting the baby) or the safety of all the other kids? From what I've read about kids with RAD it can get a lot worse. That's why I'm asking if anyone has dealt with it, to hear first hand.
she has also been seeing a counselor and is responding well. I still can't believe this happened under my nose, I a, so protective and hands on. I have questioned myself about staying this long multiple times. The guilt eats me. Had I been able to see down the road I would have NEVER chosen this for any of my children.
I agree with this. I know the others have to be protected but as a parent I would not be willing to simply send away the offending child to live with her other parent.
A five year old molested the younger child? I would be wondering where the six year old learned that behaviour. Shouldn't someone be looking into that?
EDIT
Who diagnosed the girl's condition? Reading a bit online it just seems like the disorder doesn't really fit everything. Maybe there's something else going on. Was she neglected as an infant or child?
its short for reactive attachment disorder. Basically it's when child/person has little to no ability to attach themselves to people or have empathy. The know how to manipulate and are good at copying, so the child can function at school based off of watching how the other kids behave. I read people like Jeffery dahmer had the condition. His child has shown no remorse for what she did to my little girl and doesn't understand it as being bad. Have you heard about kids in orphanages that get adopted but can't connect to the parents? They don't want to be cuddled or held. They can put on a show for strangers and are very affectionate to strangers but act out and behave horribly for their primary care givers. Some children, as they get older will accuse their caregivers of rape or absuse to get them in trouble. They are basically happier to be left alone. It takes a lot of resources, time and patience to keep these children in their homes most of the time. We have (almost) 6 other kids to consider.
from what we understand, it may have come from my husbands teenaged niece. She no longer has any contact with any of our kids.
Absolutely no advice to give, I am just so sorry this happened to you and your child.
In retrospect is there anything you can tell us to look out for with this type of behavior. You said it happened under your nose, and so I'm wondering if knowing this now, there are any red flags you see in hindsight.
Oh OK, I didn't study pediatric psychology but the adult form of this is Antisocial Personality Disorder which is untreatable. So I still think you need to get your kids and move out.
The disorder doesn't generally just pop up out of no where. What happened to this little girl? I would think her father would at least be interested in helping her. I understand you have to keep your kids safe and leaving might be the best way.
yes! My little girl was fully potty trained for a year before this happened and she suddenly started wetting herself, never had accidents or anything. Also she all of a sudden became afraid of the bathroom and her shared bedroom with his child, these are the areas this took place in. His child was caught in the act when she touched my daughter in front of my oldest during bath time.
I am still working on getting her to go potty by herself and wiping herself. For a while she would only let me wipe her.
That's pretty much what I figured. I was hoping her moving in with her mom would save the rest of the family
to answer both if your posts, I wasn't around until she was just over 4 but from what I understand she was neglected as an infant and toddler. My husband was deployed for the first 3 years of her life and she styled with her mom, as did the other two daughters, but the mom has bipolar. My husband isn't sure of the exact details but from what the big kids have said the ex would leave her in her crib for hours while the ex laid in bed. I guess the ex wasn't properly diagnosed until after his last deployment when she tried to commit suicide. She is now in counseling and takes meds and doing much better. My husband came home to a child that didn't start walking until she was almost 3 and didn't get potty trained until I did it at 4 1/2-5. She just refused to potty train, I guess. He wasn't back from war very long before I met him and started pointing out the red flags, neither of us had a clue until this past 9-12 months how bad it really was.
you make a good point and actually after she started therapy she went to a session one day and claimed another girl at school touched her. The dr and us contacted the teacher immediately because the story didn't add up and I am worried that his daughter actually touched another little girl. To my dismay the school just moved the kids apart. I have no idea if they contacted the other child's teacher or if the story is even true. The counselor thinks she may have made it up. We are trying to get a forensic interview on my husbands child but I guess it takes time to line up? In patient care is, at this point our first step, but I'm concerned about long term.
I just wanted to say something about some comments giving you a hard time about sending her to her mothers or a group home.
You may not have a choice in this.Your younger child has already been hurt and soon another helpless child will also be in that home. If you do not take action CPS will, you cannot have a child who is a threat to the others in the same home. I'm actually suprised CPS is not already involved.
Please tell your husband he needs to get his act together, this will not go away.
not too nosey, I need advice and the details are numerous but helpful in getting advice. He was shocked and maybe a little in denial at first. He has since come to an understanding that this did happen and his child needs help. Her bio mom doesn't know, I don't think. I don't talk to her (no bad blood, I just leave it up to him to talk to her). The child has said many times she wants her mommy and I can't blame her, that's her momma.
You need to post over on the Special Needs board. I believe there are some people over there that deal with this specific diagnosis personally. That can give you some suggestions. I've seen posts about it over there.
I'm not saying you don't have an accurate diagnosis, but from what you are saying though, I wouldn't call touching during bathtime molesting between two young similar aged girls either but a conversation about private parts, and keeping hands to ones self would be due.
That child is not going to get any better being secluded in that manner. IMO that is almost borderline child abuse in itself.
Why can you two not supervise that child more closely as opposed to secluding her and cutting her off from the whole family?
I'm sorry that you and your kids have to go through this. I'm especially sorry for your 4-year old. She's in my prayers.
Protect your child. Protect your children. If you don't, who will? They live in the conditions and surroundings that you decide. They have no choice where and with whom they live.
thank you. It's not about evil step mom or bio kids vs step kids. I am VERY close to his other two kids, I adore them. I tried really hard to bond with his youngest.
i completely agree about CPS and its because of the steps i have taken that this hasn't been reported. I am terrified if losing my kids and,again, I am such a protective mom, probably over protective. The hurt and guilt I suffer from is overwhelming. I'm in counseling as well.
I plan on sitting my husband down tonight and getting a plan of action. I can't bring our new baby home (or keep my children here) if this situation isn't being taken care of.
i will for sure post over there, thanks for the advice. It wasn't just touching in the bath, it happened more often and in other places, that's just where it was exposed.
Every time he child is brought around the other kids another incident happens, such as her trying to push or shove my older son down stairs or putting her hands around my eldest daughters neck and when she pushed his kid off she tried to say my daughter was trying to hurt her. She is very manipulative. (except for with her own bio siblings, she tries to get them in trouble but not to the extreme. )
Thank you, and I totally agree. Sometimes I feel like I've let all of my kids down by staying so long already but the counselor requested us to and almost all of the kids are seeing a counselor now as well. But now it's come to the point that something needs to be done. We can't live like this.
I just wanted to add that by no means am I saying, don't protect your children. I just also think that this little girl needs help and she was a victim too and it seems no one protected her.
I would think very seriously about therapeutic foster care or placing her with a family member with no other kids.
Your 4 year old is watching what you're doing and you need to move quickly to ensure all the kids are safe which unfortunately probably means you and kids move out or she leaves until she is no longer at risk of harming others
I agree whole heartedly. Im trying to do what is best all around.
what is therapeutic foster care? I suggested the Exs mother as a care giver recently to the therapist as she has no children living at home and would take her. I think the one on one would be beneficial to her.
I agree with this as well. Seems like perpetrators usually were victims.
First off a 5 year old CANNOT molest anybody. IF she was inappropriately touching your DD she was merely mimicking something she saw WITHOUT understanding her actions.
Has she been molested?
I hope you leave because Your DH needs to step up and get this poor little 5 year old help.
If he is keeping her in a room to keep you happy then I hope you do call CPS and I hope he goes up prison for treating his little daughter like that.
I CANNOT believe that you are all looking at this child like she is a criminal or something as opposed to a very emotionally broken 5 year old.
Did I get this post wrong? Did I miss something? Someone explain to me how you are not screaming 'get this little kid help'.
If I lived near you I would get in my car and come get her.
You should leave because this kid needs her dad more than you do. If you stay and continue to treat her like this I hope you burn in hell.
As for his daughter. She needs severe help and as quickly as possible. Intensive therapy. I dont know much about RAD but if she is acting out irrationally, angrily and abusing other girls then she needs intensive therapy.
As for what to do I dont know if I can help its tough and I feel for you.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. My heart breaks for your dd and for your sd as well.
I think you do need to leave if your dd was a victim of sexual abuse. You need to do what is right by your dd and your sd. Your dd needs to heal away from sd. And sd needs Major/intensive help- obviously she herself was sexually abused and also for the RAD. She needs someone who is committed to helping her----making her stay in her room and punishing her for things she cannot control is not the answer. In my eyes it's abuse. Of course she doesn't view what she did as bad- someone did the same thing to her and no one protected her or helped her in that situation. I don't understand how child services isn't involved in investigated abuse against you sd?
Just as you need to help/protect your children, your husband needs to do the same for his daughter. And if he chooses to send his dd away when she needs him more than ever, that is just sad. I don't think it's right to make him choose what his daughter or the rest of his family. He needs to get help for his dd. And how can you be sure her BM would take her when you say she doesn't even know about what has happened? Does she have the resources to help her? What if she goes either to in-patient (which isn't forever) or to live with BM and it doesn't pan out? Then what? She will be back and forth- which is not fair to anyone. It will be extremely disruptive to all involved. I know you mentioned that in-patient wouldn't be long term, so I am glad that you are thinking ahead.
My cousins SD has RAD and has had a long road. She is on meds and involved in intensive therapy and many in-home behavior supports and at age 11 now is doing great. So there's hope, but it's the road in between.
You need to do what you need to do for your children. I get that and if I were in your shoes I think i'd be packing my bags to get my children out. But taking dh away from this broken little girl is not the answer either. And if your dh walks away from his broken child- I think you need to leave then as well as that shows how he will handle any problems children have? What if another child or your baby end up with special needs? Will he walk away then too?
You need to find a psychiatrist and therapist who specialize in RAD and also help for your dd and sd from someone who specializes in sexual abuse. There are probably some great community resources. Look up sexual assault crisis services for your area. They are a great resource and will help in many ways.
Again, I am sorry for what you are going through. I do not think there is a simple solution to this. There are two children who need serious help and need to be away from one another and need their parents support right now.
Perhaps there is a board that specializes in RAD? Or a support group? They might have more insight. I remember seeing a story about a young girl with a different mental health issue and her parents actually kept two separate apartments for several years to keep the kids separated. Not saying that is the answer or suggesting that- just saying there are people out there who have been through similar things- you just need to tap into the right support system.
Good Luck!
While I didn't say anything as powerful as this I do agree, for the most part.
I think everyone agrees the younger child needs help and protection but what about the other child? The "attacker" was a five year old who was probably molested as well. She is six now and needs help.
OP, you need to protect your kids but this young child's father needs to step up and make sure his child gets what she needs.
Edit How can this little girl be sent to live with a mother who is said to have severely neglected her for half her life? She was probably sexually molested by a niece? Why is no one doing anything about that?
Please point out where someone said that the 5 year old doesnt need help. Saying OP should leave doesnt mean that the 5 year old shouldnt get help.
It's the attitude that everyone seems to have regarding a sick child. Calling her the "attacker" when she is 5 and is a victim of sexual abuse. I agree OP should leave, I don't think the father should abandon his daughter. OP said the mother neglected this little girl but there's no bad feelings there and maybe she should go back and live there.
It's a horrible situation but things don't seem right.
OPs DD is NOT living with an attacker. Abuse is about power and the 5 year old did not yield power over the 4 year old.
Mel I actually think that yes OP should tell her DD that her SSis did something she didn't understand.
OP if you choose to stay you need to step up and help both these little kids.
Or leave and protect your DD.
Currently the only abusers in the house are you and your DH. If you stay and either continue on this path or send her away then you are NOT a good person.
Both kids need help and it may be best for you to care for your kids seperately.
That is what I would do.
I'm a little bothered by how many here are more upset about her being "shipped off" than they are about keeping her isolated in her room. I can't get past that, and that's where you lost some of my sympathy. I can only imagine that is making things worse.
Your husband sounds like he's in denial and dis-engaging. He needs to get off hisass and go to the ends of the earth to research and find his daughter some intensive therapy and help. She's a victim just as much as your child is and she needs help. Please get her that help.
If you haven't yet, look for some support boards for family with mentally ill children. You'll probably find similar stories and wonderful support by people who are in similar situations as you.
Good luck to you all.
This. My thoughts and prayers go out to your family.
If the attacker is five years old then I would be shocked if they did not.