What's BF views on this

Phantomgirl · May 2013

BM and her sister are taking SS and his bff to Spain this Thursday for a week.

The boys were told that their flights and accommodation would be paid for but that they had to have their own money for food and spending money. They are both 11.

Bff's mom gave BM $100 for his food for the week and he has $100 spending money. This is what SS told me.

SS managed to save close to $100 total. He was going to give it to BM for his food and take some money out of his savings account for spending money. He was telling me all this in the hope I would 'chip in' lol.

I gave him $100. I told him to give that to BM for his food and use they money he saved as spending money.

DH is annoyed at me, he hasn't outright said much but lots of head shaking, eye rolling and deep sighs. Last night we were talking about the holiday and how BM sister is going (as opposed to new bf!) and DH 'jokingly' asked if we were chipping in for her holiday also.

I view it as I gave SS money towards his trip and so that he would not have to take money out of his savings account. I also cannot imagine not giving him anything towards it.

DH views it as CS covers food and it was BM choice to go to Spain. He thinks, yea sure lets give SS $20 / $30 towards spending money.

What say BF? What do you do when your kids/skids are going away with the other parent?

HisChamaoleGirl · May 2013

Well, we are the NCP in this situation, but DH doesn't pay CS to BM during summer visits. What money would go to her for CS is used on SS while he is with us. So while she views it as SS is being taken care of by his dad in his care, she never fails to send him with spending money of his own.

I don't think there is anything wrong with it and it helps SS learn to manage money.

Phantomgirl · May 2013

We are also the NCP and DH pays CS all year round. We have SS every weekend.

HisChamaoleGirl · May 2013

Phantomgirl:
We are also the NCP and DH pays CS all year round.nbsp; We have SS every weekend.

I know. I remember your story. I just meant to point out we only have summer and every other Christmas break.

Phantomgirl · May 2013

MelRC117:
However, I think its kinda weird he felt he should as a child to chip in for his food at his age. But maybe thats ju

Me to! I remember being p!ssed when I had to do this at 16 and I had a part time job lol.

When I gave him the money I did tell him that if he had to give it to BM well and good but if not he could use it to buy the new Converse shoes he wants (much cheaper in Spain!). BM is kinda decent so maybe he will come home with them. Either way my point was don't just blow $200 on rubbish, which BM would not let him anyhow.

So how much would you all give your skids if they were going away?

Ilumine · May 2013

I would have found out WHY SS felt the need to spend his $100 on the trip before I would have done anything.

Have you asked BM about this yet? Because it could very well have been a huge misunderstanding by SS (thinking that if his friend has to pay he must do so too) and that BM would have given the money back.

All it would have taken was a good talk about why the Friend's mom was doing what she was doing and then a great opportunity to discuss budgeting, child support and choices on your side = with handing him $20 for spending cash.

But no, when we were NCPs we never ever gave SS or BM more money for trips/activities that BM organized. Those things are all on her. And if she is being that stingy, we would redirect the kids to look at/talk to her about it.

Because it is not fair to lay the fall-out of HER choices on DH's financial shoulders.

cole2144 · May 2013

Honestly I would not give my SD spending money to go away with BM. We did not expect BM to contribute money when we took SD to Disney in the fall. I would however have a problem with expecting a child to pay for their own food.

CurlyQ284 · May 2013

Yes I would give the money. I really don't care who is supposed to pay for what. I'd love to help SDs with a trip.

socloudy99 · May 2013

You and your H are both correct. The bottom line is if you wanted to give him the money it is your choice. We have given the kids spending money for trips with the BMs or their family. We can't afford vacations (only local weekend activities) so we are glad they get to go. If BM is take then she is responsible but when we can afford to give them some cash we do.

Mrs.H. · May 2013

telling 11 year olds they have to pay for their own food?

$100. 00 for a weeks worth?

I dont get it!!!

Littlejen22 · May 2013

To expect your 11yo to come up with money for a family trip is hysterical and she was definitely expecting others to chip in. What would she do I he came up with no money for food? Until he is old enough to work you cannot expect this. It is different for the friend because you offer to bring him and pay for flight but expect the parents to come up with the rest. I would be annoyed too. Also is it possible BM said he needed his own spending money and he twisted it to get more out of you?

Littlejen22 · May 2013

Mrs.H.:
telling 11 year olds they have to pay for their own food?100. 00 for a weeks worth?I dont get it!!!

I am not sure if you think this is a lot but if on vacation with an 11yo boy he can definitely go through that much money eating out.

Tasheystar · May 2013

Wow. I think it's crazy to ask an 11 year old to pay for his own food. Even the friend. If I invite my kid's friend to go somewhere, I'll factor that cost into my budget.

As for the spending money. I probably wouldn't have given quite so much, but I like to think I'd be nice enough to give him some.

fellesferie · May 2013

I'm also puzzled/surprised that a child is being asked to fund their own food. Spending money, sure. Maybe it was her way of telling the friend he shouldn't assume she wouldn't pay for his food?

I think you were kind to give him the money, and in your situation I think it was a good thing to do.

I am the softer parent between me & DH, and bribing the kids is pretty much the keystone of my parenting philosophy. The kids get a lot of ice creams, stickers, cash from me they wouldn't get from DH. DH sometimes does the sighing and eye rolling stuff, and I tell him (nicely) to get over it.

Holly_1007 · May 2013

cole2144:
Honestly I would not give my SD spending money to go away with BM. We did not expect BM to contribute money when we took SD to Disney in the fall. I would however have a problem with expecting a child to pay for their own food.

This. word for word. We are NCP and pay CS year round.

ballmom · May 2013

I find it odd that BM is taking him on a vacation yet making him pay for his own food. I can see saying that to the friend, but BM should be covering SS's expenses if it is a "family" vacation. I can understand telling him he needs to pay for the extras he may want.

I do not think I would have just handed over money, her vacation she should pay. I would offer him extra chores to do to earn money though.

We went to FL a few years ago and I can't imagine asking BM to pay for the Skids extras while we were there. We chose to go so we needed to cover the expenses.

jenjen930 · May 2013

I think it is strange that she expects an 11 yo to come up with money for food. Spending money - yes, especially if he has his own money anyway. But food? That is a bit much. She is his mother, she pays for food at that age. I can understand asking for the friend's parents to chip in a bit, but she IS the parent here. Like PP said, what would she do if he didn't come up with food money?

We pay CS all year round too, but part of the calculation is based on how much we get SD. When we took her on a cruise we didn't ask BM for one penny. I don't think BM would bother asking us for money if she went on vacation either. I'm pretty sure that will never happen though, because BM can barely afford the gas to pick SD up at this point. LOL.

I think if you choose to give him a little bit of spending money that was up to you. It's not like BM was demanding money from you for the trip. You didn't have to, but it was nice of you to do so.

Ginlyn0 · May 2013

We do not give BM money for trips she plans, we do not give BD money for trips he plans although when he took DD to Wrestlemania for her birthday (3 months later) he said I could contribute because his family was. I didn't because I obviously bought DD birthday presents on her birthday. We pay for our trips with the kids, they can pay for theirs. If they can't afford it, they shouldn't be going.

Ilumine · May 2013

ballmom:
I find it odd that BM is taking him on a vacation yet making him pay for his own food. I can see saying that to the friend, but BM should be covering SS's expenses if it is a "family" vacation. I can understand telling him he needs to pay for the extras he may want.
I do not think I would have just handed over money, her vacation she should pay. I would offer him extra chores to do to earn money though.
We went to FL a few years ago and I can't imagine asking BM to pay for the Skids extras while we were there. We chose to go so we needed to cover the expenses.

Phantom needs to clarify, but NO WHERE did her SS say that BM told him to do this. SS told Phantom about what he is doing.

Honestly, from what I know about this BM, I am questioning if she really told SS that he had to pay his own way out of selfishness or spite.

I can see her telling him that he needs to bring his own money for extras and snacks, but not for his meals.

And to be honest, I wish we had been more proactive in making SS pay for his extras (to include snacks and add ons) at this age. He became a very entitled shopper/eater because of DH, with no concept of budgeting. He thinks nothing of ordering an appetizer on top of his meal or asking for snack foods everytime we go out somewhere. And THEN not eating all of it.

Who knows...but until there is clarification, I dont see it as a crappy BM issue.

Phantomgirl · May 2013

BM did not tell SS he had to have $100 for food!

He came up with that figure based on what his friends mom paid. BUT BM did tell SS that they would not be eating out at night unless he had his own money for dinner. PLUS he had to have his own spending money. I belive she said that to him to encourage him to save. She was bringing him regardless of how much he actually had.

I told him to give the money I gave him to BM and tell her it was to cover all his food so that he could keep his spending money to do as he sees fit (within reason).

Also I told him to give it to her as I did not want him strolling around with $200 in his pocket at 11.

DH thinks it was excessive and I should have just given him $20 / $30 and not worried about his expenses on the holiday.

BTW - in regards to the friend. His parnets paid his flight, accommodation, food and gave him spending money. It is not costing BM anything to bring him.

Also and this is probably silly, but I partly didn't want SS friend to have more spending money than SS!!! I know, I know!! So I figured if I paid the food SS could keep his own money and treat himself!!! Yes I know!!! He did save it by doing extra chores so yea, I wanted him to have it for himself!

bebe11 · May 2013

What do you do when your kids/skids are going away with the other parent?

Although it is rare that my exh would take my DD somewhere on vacation, I wouldn't chip in to help pay for it. Exh has never chipped in to pay for any of her expenses when we have gone on vacation.

KTdidit · May 2013

I can see asking the friend to have his own spending money and money for food, especially if the friend's parents paid for his flight, hotel, other travel costs. I do not think its right for BM to tell her own son that he has to have his own money for food. She is his mother, she is responsible for feeding him, and IMO most of his "spending money". He's 11, he's still a kid, he's not old enough to have an actual job. I would've given SS $40 or so for spending money.

Karma1969 · May 2013

At 11 years old parents should be paying for anything to do with a childs vacation.

cole2144 · May 2013

Phantomgirl:
BM did not tell SS he had to have $100 for food!
He came up with that figure based on what his friends mom paid. BUT BM did tell SS that they would not be eating out at night unless he had his own money for dinner. PLUS he had to have his own spending money. I belive she said that to him to encourage him to save. She was bringing him regardless of how much he actually had.
I told him to give the money I gave him to BM and tell her it was to cover all his food so that he could keep his spending money to do as he sees fit (within reason).
Also I told him to give it to her as I did not want him strolling around with $200 in his pocket at 11.
DH thinks it was excessive and I should have just given him $20 / $30 and not worried about his expenses on the holiday.
BTW - in regards to the friend. His parnets paid his flight, accommodation, food and gave him spending money. It is not costing BM anything to bring him.
Also and this is probably silly, but I partly didn't want SS friend to have more spending money than SS!!! I know, I know!! So I figured if I paid the food SS could keep his own money and treat himself!!! Yes I know!!! He did save it by doing extra chores so yea, I wanted him to have it for himself!

Honestly I think your DH has a point. Also I would not spend that much money on any of our children without talking to DH about it first.

hopanka · May 2013

Why not, Cole? It's Phantom's money, she can make the decision to give the boy 100. Plus, she has a very different relationship with BM than you do. While you try to find any way possible to not contribute to the other side or at least complain to no end about every penny, Phantom is genereous and seems very reasonable when it comes to BM and her household. Thats why the boy seems to be so well adjusted in this BF, despite Phantom's H's hiccups at times.

HoolyGo · May 2013

Phantomgirl:
BM did not tellnbsp;SS henbsp;had to have 100 for food!He came up with that figure based on what his friends mom paid.nbsp; BUT BM did tell SS that they would not be eating out at night unless he had his own money for dinner.nbsp; PLUS he had to have his own spending money.nbsp; I belive shenbsp;said that to him to encourage him to save.nbsp; She was bringing him regardless of how much he actually had.I told him to give the money I gave him to BM and tell her it was to cover all his food so that he could keep his spending money to do as he sees fit within reason.Also I told him to give it to her as I did not want him strolling around with 200 in his pocket at 11.DH thinks it was excessive and I should have just given him 20 / 30 and not worried about his expenses on the holiday.BTW in regards to the friend.nbsp; His parnets paid his flight, accommodation, food and gave him spending money.nbsp; It isnbsp;not costing BM anything to bring him.Also and this is probably silly, but I partly didn't want SS friend to have more spending money than SS!!!nbsp; I know, I know!!nbsp;So I figured if I paid the food SS could keep his own money and treat himself!!!nbsp; Yes I know!!!nbsp; He did save it by doing extra chores so yea, I wanted him to have it for himself!nbsp;

Okay, this makes more sense to me. Maybe BM plans on providing meals indoors as much as possible. I don't know the backstory are they renting an apartment or staying with someone where they'd be able to prepare some of their own meals? If so, then I could see why she'd tell SS that she would t be providing money for meals out. If that's not the case, then I do find it odd that she'd make an 11 yo pay for all his meals himself.

Either way, we don't provide extra money to BM when she takes SD on vacation, and we don't expect BM to provide us with extra money either. I could see giving him a little spending money, but I would always run it by the other parent first.

cole2144 · May 2013

hopanka:
Why not, Cole? It's Phantom's money, she can make the decision to give the boy 100. Plus, she has a very different relationship with BM than you do. While you try to find any way possible to not contribute to the other side or at least complain to no end about every penny, Phantom is genereous and seems very reasonable when it comes to BM and her household. Thats why the boy seems to be so well adjusted in this BF, despite Phantom's H's hiccups at times.

Because any money in our marriage is our money, I would discuss it with my husband before spending the money. You can take shots at me all you want for only wanting to pay for SD while she is our care which is 50/50 but I don`t see you arguing that BM should ever contribute to my household, double standard much. We try and work with BM as much as possible but will not be walked all over. I don`t know your story but if you wanna be a doormat, go right ahead, my DH is over being treated that way. My SD is just fine thank you.

Lavender P · May 2013

Maybe there is some sort of misunderstanding on my part, but I can't believe that a parent would ever expect a child of 11 to pay for their own food anywhere, especially vacation. I think it is reasonable to tell them they have to save up money in order for them to spend on souvenirs, but food is a basic necessity that a parent is obligated to provide. I wouldn't expect my DS or SS to pay for food on vacation until they were out of college and had real jobs, especially because food on vacation tends to be expensive. As they get older, I would expect they pay more for certain activities or things they want.

Also, I think what Phantom did was a very nice gesture, but in our situation I wouldn't do it. SS goes on vacation every summer with BM's family to a condo her parents own and vacation with our family as well. We would never expect or what BM to give him money for our trip. If he told us he was expected to pay for his own food I don't know what we would do. She can make the rules at her house and on her trip but I don't think I would support paying for something that she isn't willing to or cant pay for on their vacation.

I also think that couples have different rules regarding money and if in Phantom's relationship, it is completely okay to spend a $100 without discussion that is perfectly fine. I wouldn't care if my husband spent that on SS or anything else without first discussing it. However if it was $500, then I would be upset because I would have wanted to make sure we budgeted for it.

hopanka · May 2013

Far from a doormat. Since Phantom has a job and makes her own money, she can decide to give the kiddo 100 bucks, if she wants to. I work full time as well, and in addition to a joint account that is used for daily expenses and bills, I also have my own account where all my bonuses and other money goes to. So, I dont have to ask anyone, if I can or cannot spend it. In your situation, you don't contribute any money, BM works and provides for her child, yet you still bit@h about your H having to pay CS that was set up for him in order to balance out the two households, hence SD having comparable living conditions at both homes. You can't get it through your thick head why that is fair to the child. So, if you want more money for your kids, maybe you should start pulling your own weight and work, like BM is. Then, your kids will have more, just like you want for them. It's not BM's job to provide for your kids.

toomanycats1 · May 2013

Phantom, I think what you did was a loving and caring gesture. My DS and DN have aunts that give them spending money whenever we go on vacation. They don't do it because they "need" the money, but because they love them and want them to have spending money.

If DH and I were to split up, I could only dream of my DS having a stepmom like you. I hope BM knows how fortunate she is (it sounds like she might!) and that your DH appreciates it too.

I disagree that you should have discussed it with YH. It was money spent on his son, not a spa day! People spend money on their children every day and don't discuss every penny beforehand. A shopping trip can easily add up to $100 in my house and I don't have to run it by DH beforehand! I think YH is being a bit ridiculous.

I love that you treat SS like your own, and that you were thoughtful enough to help make his vacation with BM a little more special. The warmth you feel for him shows in your posts.

Just saying.... You amaze me!

mom2one · May 2013

cole2144:
Honestly I would not give my SD spending money to go away with BM. We did not expect BM to contribute money when we took SD to Disney in the fall. I would however have a problem with expecting a child to pay for their own food.

That is not a surprise. You don't feel you should have to support SD at all at her mother's house.

If ex took DS somewhere I would definitely send him with spending money. I think it's weird that he has to pay for his own food. Phantom, I do think she takes advantage of you a little when it comes to money. :-/

mom2one · May 2013

cole2144:
Phantomgirl:
BM did not tell SS he had to have $100 for food!
He came up with that figure based on what his friends mom paid. BUT BM did tell SS that they would not be eating out at night unless he had his own money for dinner. PLUS he had to have his own spending money. I belive she said that to him to encourage him to save. She was bringing him regardless of how much he actually had.
I told him to give the money I gave him to BM and tell her it was to cover all his food so that he could keep his spending money to do as he sees fit (within reason).
Also I told him to give it to her as I did not want him strolling around with $200 in his pocket at 11.
DH thinks it was excessive and I should have just given him $20 / $30 and not worried about his expenses on the holiday.
BTW - in regards to the friend. His parnets paid his flight, accommodation, food and gave him spending money. It is not costing BM anything to bring him.
Also and this is probably silly, but I partly didn't want SS friend to have more spending money than SS!!! I know, I know!! So I figured if I paid the food SS could keep his own money and treat himself!!! Yes I know!!! He did save it by doing extra chores so yea, I wanted him to have it for himself!

Honestly I think your DH has a point. Also I would not spend that much money on any of our children without talking to DH about it first.

I can't think of any situation in which I would have to ask DH if I was allowed to spend money on our kids. That's ridiculous.

Ilumine · May 2013

mom2one:
cole2144:
Phantomgirl:
BM did not tell SS he had to have $100 for food!
He came up with that figure based on what his friends mom paid. BUT BM did tell SS that they would not be eating out at night unless he had his own money for dinner. PLUS he had to have his own spending money. I belive she said that to him to encourage him to save. She was bringing him regardless of how much he actually had.
I told him to give the money I gave him to BM and tell her it was to cover all his food so that he could keep his spending money to do as he sees fit (within reason).
Also I told him to give it to her as I did not want him strolling around with $200 in his pocket at 11.
DH thinks it was excessive and I should have just given him $20 / $30 and not worried about his expenses on the holiday.
BTW - in regards to the friend. His parnets paid his flight, accommodation, food and gave him spending money. It is not costing BM anything to bring him.
Also and this is probably silly, but I partly didn't want SS friend to have more spending money than SS!!! I know, I know!! So I figured if I paid the food SS could keep his own money and treat himself!!! Yes I know!!! He did save it by doing extra chores so yea, I wanted him to have it for himself!

Honestly I think your DH has a point. Also I would not spend that much money on any of our children without talking to DH about it first.
I can't think of any situation in which I would have to ask DH if I was allowed to spend money on our kids. That's ridiculous.

Honestly, I think you all are BECing COLE here. Separate her two comments and focus on the fact that in MANY households there is a spenditure limit that both partners have agreed upon. It is quite common in fact. And guess what, $100 seems to be the limit - at least if you go by those posting on The Nest and The Bump.

Following that train of thought, even in my own intact relationship with DD and DH, I would never spend that kind of money on DD without asking for her father's input. He is her damn father and as such, should have a say in what is spent on her. And if there is a disagreement, we WORK THROUGH IT, we don't work around each other.

That's what a partnership is all about.

So whatever else you want to say about Cole, lay off on this one. Because honestly, if I were in Phantom's DH's place, I would have been a bit put out if my DH handed DD $100 to go on a trip - EVEN AT 11 - without consulting me. Hell, just on the off chance that I had already thrown her a $20.

CurlyQ284 · May 2013

Honestly, I get that its a little weird about paying for food, it makes more sense with the explanation but still weird. Even so, you know all the 'I don't give BM a DIME!' stuff only contributes to the negative relationship, right?

In our BF, we chip in for stuff like this. Since BM knows we aren't trying to stiff her, she says things like 'if you can't pay your half of SDs braces this month, I can swing it, just let me know.". We haven't taken her up on offers like that because with my income we have more money and I think that would be crappy. The point is, there isn't animosity because we aren't nickel and diming each other.

I'm just saying, I hope you ladies on that side of the argument don't sit around pondering why BM is so rude, mean, awful etc.

cole2144 · May 2013

hopanka:
Far from a doormat. Since Phantom has a job and makes her own money, she can decide to give the kiddo 100 bucks, if she wants to. I work full time as well, and in addition to a joint account that is used for daily expenses and bills, I also have my own account where all my bonuses and other money goes to. So, I dont have to ask anyone, if I can or cannot spend it. In your situation, you don't contribute any money, BM works and provides for her child, yet you still bit@h about your H having to pay CS that was set up for him in order to balance out the two households, hence SD having comparable living conditions at both homes. You can't get it through your thick head why that is fair to the child. So, if you want more money for your kids, maybe you should start pulling your own weight and work, like BM is. Then, your kids will have more, just like you want for them. It's not BM's job to provide for your kids.

I contribute to my household in many ways. I also keep us from having to provide money for childcare for our child. I keep SD from having to go to aftercare on our days which saves both my husband and BM money. Thanks for implying that stay at home moms don`t contribute to their children, your a real peach. My SD lives in each household 50/50. BM does not contribute anything to my children but your damn right I think she should contribute to her own while in her care. I will spell it out for you, my husband pays for 62 percent of SD`s cost at BM`s house plus what we pay at ours. BM is certainly not providing for my child and she is not even paying for all of her own child`s needs while in her care.

cole2144 · May 2013

Ilumine:
mom2one:
cole2144:
Phantomgirl:
BM did not tell SS he had to have $100 for food!
He came up with that figure based on what his friends mom paid. BUT BM did tell SS that they would not be eating out at night unless he had his own money for dinner. PLUS he had to have his own spending money. I belive she said that to him to encourage him to save. She was bringing him regardless of how much he actually had.
I told him to give the money I gave him to BM and tell her it was to cover all his food so that he could keep his spending money to do as he sees fit (within reason).
Also I told him to give it to her as I did not want him strolling around with $200 in his pocket at 11.
DH thinks it was excessive and I should have just given him $20 / $30 and not worried about his expenses on the holiday.
BTW - in regards to the friend. His parnets paid his flight, accommodation, food and gave him spending money. It is not costing BM anything to bring him.
Also and this is probably silly, but I partly didn't want SS friend to have more spending money than SS!!! I know, I know!! So I figured if I paid the food SS could keep his own money and treat himself!!! Yes I know!!! He did save it by doing extra chores so yea, I wanted him to have it for himself!

Honestly I think your DH has a point. Also I would not spend that much money on any of our children without talking to DH about it first.
I can't think of any situation in which I would have to ask DH if I was allowed to spend money on our kids. That's ridiculous.

Honestly, I think you all are BECing COLE here. Separate her two comments and focus on the fact that in MANY households there is a spenditure limit that both partners have agreed upon. It is quite common in fact. And guess what, $100 seems to be the limit - at least if you go by those posting on The Nest and The Bump.
Following that train of thought, even in my own intact relationship with DD and DH, I would never spend that kind of money on DD without asking for her father's input. He is her damn father and as such, should have a say in what is spent on her. And if there is a disagreement, we WORK THROUGH IT, we don't work around each other.
That's what a partnership is all about.
So whatever else you want to say about Cole, lay off on this one. Because honestly, if I were in Phantom's DH's place, I would have been a bit put out if my DH handed DD $100 to go on a trip - EVEN AT 11 - without consulting me. Hell, just on the off chance that I had already thrown her a $20.

Exactly, I would not spend that much money on my own child without speaking to DH either. DH would never do this either, we are partners and as such discuss what we want to spend on. I have no problem spending this much money on the kids depending on what it is for but I would always talk to my husband about it first. This comes to any purchase of a significant amount.

hopanka · May 2013

Cole, don't try to deflect my criticism of your bad attitude by generalizing. I never said ALL sahm's. Of course, I know they contribute to the household, I was one for some time. I can't understand your twisted way of thinking. You still don't understand why the court mandated your H to pay a whole 12 per cent more to even out the two households. Also, your comment about how BM should take care of her own kid while in her care proves your ignorance on the logic that is behind the 12 per cent. She is providing, she is working!! Unlike you. If you want to compensate the 12 per cent, then go out there, get a job and bring the 12 per cent home. Guess what, it is a reality for many sahm's of the past that when their marriage went to crap and they had to go back to work as single moms, their income couldn't compare to their exH's. Why? Because this whole time they took care of the kids, the man was comfortably able to advance his career and possibly education, build resume and experience, and get promotions, while wife made sure he never had to take sick days for kids, travel to seminars etc. All of a sudden, all her contributions are a thing of a past and she has to start from scratch in the real world. This is one of many examples, why the courts calculate it this way, so that the standard of living at both homes can be more or less equal. Your H absolutely has an obligation to pay his 12 per cent extra, and its quite pathetic how you keep harping about that without actually providing anything yourself. In your sitch, aren't you the only adult that doesn't work? Yet, you are the one who bitc$es the most about it? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe both your BM and her SO work and so does your H. You are the only one that doesn't.

cole2144 · May 2013

hopanka:
Cole, don't try to deflect my criticism of your bad attitude by generalizing. I never said ALL sahm's. Of course, I know they contribute to the household, I was one for some time. I can't understand your twisted way of thinking. You still don't understand why the court mandated your H to pay a whole 12 per cent more to even out the two households. Also, your comment about how BM should take care of her own kid while in her care proves your ignorance on the logic that is behind the 12 per cent. She is providing, she is working!! Unlike you. If you want to compensate the 12 per cent, then go out there, get a job and bring the 12 per cent home. Guess what, it is a reality for many sahm's of the past that when their marriage went to crap and they had to go back to work as single moms, their income couldn't compare to their exH's. Why? Because this whole time they took care of the kids, the man was comfortably able to advance his career and possibly education, build resume and experience, and get promotions, while wife made sure he never had to take sick days for kids, travel to seminars etc. All of a sudden, all her contributions are a thing of a past and she has to start from scratch in the real world. This is one of many examples, why the courts calculate it this way, so that the standard of living at both homes can be more or less equal. Your H absolutely has an obligation to pay his 12 per cent extra, and its quite pathetic how you keep harping about that without actually providing anything yourself. In your sitch, aren't you the only adult that doesn't work? Yet, you are the one who bitc$es the most about it? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe both your BM and her SO work and so does your H. You are the only one that doesn't.

I am not deflecting anything, those were your words. I am no different from any other stay at home mom. You wanna accuse me of not contributing to my family because I am a stay at home mom, meaning that SAHMs don`t contribute. I provide plenty to my family. I also attend college so that when my children reach school age I can obtain employment that will pay enough to make working make sense for our family. I find it interesting that you find it necessary to hijack this post to attack me, it`s kinda pathetic.

I understand your argument but I do not agree. Also my husband paying more is not evening out the situation because at BM`s house, her and her fiance work so SD is living in a two income household in a cheaper cost of living area while in BM`s care. BM was never a stay at home mom so that has nothing to do with our situation.

My original posts were about the fact that I will not spend that much money without input from my husband. And we do not provide vacation money for SD while she is in her mothers care. We don`t expect money for while she is in our care either. We do not expect anything from BM that we ourselves are not willing to do so I don`t see what your problem is.

Ilumine · May 2013

hopanka:
Cole, don't try to deflect my criticism of your bad attitude by generalizing. I never said ALL sahm's. Of course, I know they contribute to the household, I was one for some time. I can't understand your twisted way of thinking. You still don't understand why the court mandated your H to pay a whole 12 per cent more to even out the two households. Also, your comment about how BM should take care of her own kid while in her care proves your ignorance on the logic that is behind the 12 per cent. She is providing, she is working!! Unlike you. If you want to compensate the 12 per cent, then go out there, get a job and bring the 12 per cent home. Guess what, it is a reality for many sahm's of the past that when their marriage went to crap and they had to go back to work as single moms, their income couldn't compare to their exH's. Why? Because this whole time they took care of the kids, the man was comfortably able to advance his career and possibly education, build resume and experience, and get promotions, while wife made sure he never had to take sick days for kids, travel to seminars etc. All of a sudden, all her contributions are a thing of a past and she has to start from scratch in the real world. This is one of many examples, why the courts calculate it this way, so that the standard of living at both homes can be more or less equal. Your H absolutely has an obligation to pay his 12 per cent extra, and its quite pathetic how you keep harping about that without actually providing anything yourself. In your sitch, aren't you the only adult that doesn't work? Yet, you are the one who bitc$es the most about it? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe both your BM and her SO work and so does your H. You are the only one that doesn't.

I cannot believe that I am actually posting again to support Cole here (nor are my comments a condemnation of Phantom's actions since each persons home is different)....but I really think you are missing the point of THIS POST.

Honestly, not all decisions for one situation are based on another. You can be in the wrong for questioning the child support amount and be in the right for questioning why the NCP should pay any extras for a trip S/HE chooses to go on.

Just like, 'not all BM decisions are based out of malice towards her ex'. There are many times when the ex makes a decision that has NOTHING TO DO with you, even if it inconveniences you.

Look, I get Cole is Cole, but why can't she be replying to THIS situation (providing money for the other parent's vacation no matter WHAT the reasons are) for the right reasons?

Because I know that I wouldn't do it for both of the reasons she gave - I don't spend that kind of money without taking my husband - the child's OTHER PARENT - into consideration (um hello - we talk about being an united front here ALL OF THE TIME) AND because what happens on the other bioparents time is theirs unless there is a danger to the child.

Phantomgirl · May 2013

Now that I have had time to think...

I probably did it because I hate that SS was worrying about money. What the hell is BM thinking, pay for his own food???

I hate that his friend would have more than him. Sometimes I feel like he gets a raw deal. His bffs dad is so much fun and takes them tons of places. DH never does.

I hate that DH barely acknowledged that SS was going on holiday and gave him nothing. Absolutely nothing! What the eff does 'I already pay CS' mean to an 11 year old? The only thing he see is rejection.

I gave him the $100 for food so he wouldn't have to worry. I told him that I loved him and I was so proud of him for saving. I told him he was to keep all his money he saved for himself and to have a super time on holiday.

Yes I should talk to DH before spending $100 from our joint accout. Maybe there was punishment in it for DH or something. He won't tell me I was wrong to do it because then I will ask him why he didn't.

So yea - like my therapist already told me. I tried to 'save' SS from the hurt.

cole2144 · May 2013

Phantomgirl:
Now that I have had time to think...
I probably did it because I hate that SS was worrying about money. What the hell is BM thinking, pay for his own food???
I hate that his friend would have more than him. Sometimes I feel like he gets a raw deal. His bffs dad is so much fun and takes them tons of places. DH never does.
I hate that DH barely acknowledged that SS was going on holiday and gave him nothing. Absolutely nothing! What the eff does 'I already pay CS' mean to an 11 year old? The only thing he see is rejection.
I gave him the $100 for food so he wouldn't have to worry. I told him that I loved him and I was so proud of him for saving. I told him he was to keep all his money he saved for himself and to have a super time on holiday.
Yes I should talk to DH before spending $100 from our joint accout. Maybe there was punishment in it for DH or something. He won't tell me I was wrong to do it because then I will ask him why he didn't.
So yea - like my therapist already told me. I tried to 'save' SS from the hurt.

I can see both sides on this. You just want your SS to be able to have a good time and not have to spend all of his money on food. DH also has a point since you probably should have talked to him first. While I would not have given him spending money, I would not have had an issue with DH giving food money if BM really said he had to pay for his own meals at 11 but first DH would have called and talked to BM to try to get to the bottom of the situation.

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