My parents are jerkfaces - LONG and probably more a rant

LollyLawlz · March 2013

I'm kind of at my wits end and am wondering what others would do in this situation. My mother is a chain smoker. I asked her politely when I got pregnant if she could start smoking outside because it made me uncomfortable to bring a newborn in that environment. She claimed she quit but was sneaking them in the basement for months until I caught her.

I never wanted my kid on FB and she harassed me (like calling the morning after birth) until I posted so she could post. Which I thought was somewhat endearing until I realized that's all the bonding she planned to do with my daughter. She is just a FB grandma.

My hubs parents are awesome. Always willing to babysit and want to spend time with her. When I bring her around my parents all they do is stare at her and talk about the ways she looks at things lol. My mom is obsessed with poker and plays about 5 out of 7 nights a week. It stresses my dad out that she's out until all hours of the night. She found out I had been asking the hubs parents to babysit from time to time and guilt tripped me. The next time I needed one I gave her first dibs. She said she couldn't because of poker but my dad said he'd love to. The day of he backed out because she was upset he wasn't coming with her!

We aren't allowed to talk to my mom about any of her behavior. She just throws a tantrum that we are picking on her and my dad says we make his life more miserable by doing so.

At this point I've just given up on putting effort into them. I'm really not sure how to handle it. How would you?

RondackHiker · March 2013

Just don't put effort in, like you said. I wouldn't ask them to sit. If they complain, say they backed out once and are so busy, etc etc.

It's not your business if your mom plays poker or if it stresses your dad out. That's their marriage.

I wouldn't go to their house. Not with smokers who sneak around. I'd invite them to dinner occasionally, with no expectations.

I wouldn't put Dd on Facebook if I don't want to.

And they may not be good with babies. They might be better later once she's past the "look at things" stage.

Unknown · March 2013

Uh, you gave her first dibs? Lol, no one wants to watch your kid. If they do, it's doing you a afvor, not the other way around.

Don't go over anymore. Let your dad deal with the smoking inside and and the all night poker playing. It's none of your business.

LollyLawlz · March 2013

Yeah I do all of that. The problem is then they show up at my house unannounced around 7:30 at night on a weeknight and wake up the kid. They claim they have rights to her at anytime.

Manateearmz · March 2013

LollyLawlz:
Yeah I do all of that. The problem is then they show up at my house unannounced around 7:30 at night on a weeknight and wake up the kid. They claim they have rights to her at anytime.

Don't answer the door.

It makes me sad how many of us have these types of parents. Your mother needs boundries and you have to establish these ASAP and do not waiver on the rules. I'm so sorry.

LollyLawlz · March 2013

EllaHella:
Ahh. This sounds all too familiar to me.

Your mom has boundary issues. She wants it her way or else and will either throw tantrums to get her way and then guilt trip when that doesn't work. She only cares about immediate gratification and doesn't think about long term benefits/effects. Am I right?

We finally decided, like you did, to stop putting in effort. Tantrums and guilt followed. It was a tough year or so but we would stop the guilt trip or tantrum in its tracks by calling out the behavior and saying we weren't participating in it. They could change the subject or we could end the call.

Sadly, that means my son has one less grandparent. It wasn't worth it to us to have toxic people in our life. DS is our priority now and that gp couldn't accept that our decisions were based on LO and not them.

This whole paragraph just nutshelled my mother. Also you are correct about the guilt trips that are starting to happen! I'm starting to get nasty phone calls which is what prompted my rant. Good to know I'm not the only one who's gone through this

LollyLawlz · March 2013

joditurner79:
Uh, you gave her first dibs? Lol, no one wants to watch your kid. If they do, it's doing you a afvor, not the other way around.

Don't go over anymore. Let your dad deal with the smoking inside and and the all night poker playing. It's none of your business.

STFU and learn how to spell

RondackHiker · March 2013

HilarityEnsued:
LollyLawlz:
Yeah I do all of that.  The problem is then they show up at my house unannounced around 7:30 at night on a weeknight and wake up the kid.  They claim they have rights to her at anytime.
Holysweetbabyjesus that would not fly in my house.  Not a single damn person other than me and DH have "rights" to my kid, period.  Timing not even considered.... Like I would not even allow them in the front door.  I'm not just speaking from no experience.  We had a "come to jesus" meeting with my mother about exactly how the whole thing would be going down.  If you ever show up at my house unannounced, expect to be turned away.  

I agree. Don't let them in the door. Change locks if needed. They do not come over uninvited. They do not have rights to your child and certainly not to wake her.

Tamma254 · March 2013

LollyLawlz:
Yeah I do all of that. The problem is then they show up at my house unannounced around 7:30 at night on a weeknight and wake up the kid. They claim they have rights to her at anytime.

WTF? I'm not sure what state you are in, but some states don't even have Grandparent's Rights. But to show up unannounced just to wake the child up? That's a no-go in my book. You want to spend time with my kid, you're doing it on our schedule, not yours.

LollyLawlz · March 2013

They just kind of barge in. I told them both that showing up unannounced was not ok. It's her bedtime, we're about to have dinner etc. My mom just said "well I was going to call but we were already here so oh well". My dad always leaves saying that they will probably show up unannounced again even after I make it clear that it's not ok. I just don't know that I could not answer the door with them standing out there. Maybe I need a thicker skin

ReeseFox · March 2013

If they show up on your doorstep, don't open the door. Tell them to leave. If they don't, they're trespassing. Threaten to call the police. If they still won't leave, follow through.

It sounds extreme, but so is their behavior. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.

robinsokj · March 2013

joditurner79:
Uh, you gave her first dibs? Lol, no one wants to watch your kid. If they do, it's doing you a afvor, not the other way around.
Don't go over anymore. Let your dad deal with the smoking inside and and the all night poker playing. It's none of your business.

Not necessarily. Some grandparents do actually enjoy watching the grand kids. Crazy concept I know

Kitten80 · March 2013

My family stinks (DH's varies) so I know it is awful. They live OOS now, but they do the "show" grandparent thing but don't actually give a damn. Long story short, I just stopped putting anything but minimum effort (photobook of kids at Christmas, heads up when DD was hospitilized, etc). Because it seemed tey were "trying", we put more effort in recently, but after a very expensive trip that showed it's more talk on their end, I'm done trying. I say all this so you know that I get that these are your parents and it sucks having to do so.

Stop putting effort in. And draw boundaries - if you want to visit, you need to call and as if it is a good time at least several hours in advance (or whatever) - do not just show up, we will not let you in. Be prepared to follow throug (connect the doorbell if necessary. I'm sorry and good luck.

RondackHiker · March 2013

LollyLawlz:
They just kind of barge in.nbsp; I told them both that showing up unannounced was not ok.nbsp; It's her bedtime, we're about to have dinner etc.nbsp; My mom just said "well I was going to call but we were already here so oh well".nbsp; My dad always leaves saying that they will probably show up unannounced again even after I make it clear that it's not ok.nbsp; I just don't know that I could not answer the door with them standing out there.nbsp; Maybe I need a thicker skin

Don't open the door. They are the ones being rude, not you. Or open it a crack, with a chain on it, and say "not now! Call next time!".

No excuses. No debating. They are rude, not you. Just because she flips out and gets mad that you don't let her in doesn't make you the bad guy. She is wrong.

If it helps you stay strong, remind yourself you're working to teach your daughter how to stand up for herself and not let anyone push her around. She'll imitate you.

Again, you're not the wrong one, no matter what she says.

Unknown · March 2013

LollyLawlz:
joditurner79:

Uh, you gave her first dibs? Lol, no one wants to watch your kid. If they do, it's doing you a afvor, not the other way around.

Don't go over anymore. Let your dad deal with the smoking inside and and the all night poker playing. It's none of your business.

STFU and learn how to spell

STFU and stop asking the same question over and over you broken record

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/70770667.aspx

Tamma254 · March 2013

robinsokj:
joditurner79:
Uh, you gave her first dibs? Lol, no one wants to watch your kid. If they do, it's doing you a afvor, not the other way around. Don't go over anymore. Let your dad deal with the smoking inside and and the all night poker playing. It's none of your business.
Not necessarily. Some grandparents do actually enjoy watching the grand kids. Crazy concept I know

Agreed. My when I went back to work, my Mom all but begged to be their permanent babysitter. Who was I to say "No"? I knew they were in good hands.

Manateearmz · March 2013

LollyLawlz:
They just kind of barge in. I told them both that showing up unannounced was not ok. It's her bedtime, we're about to have dinner etc. My mom just said "well I was going to call but we were already here so oh well". My dad always leaves saying that they will probably show up unannounced again even after I make it clear that it's not ok. I just don't know that I could not answer the door with them standing out there. Maybe I need a thicker skin

I'm going to be brutally honest here, after dealing with this sort of thing myself.

They will not change.period.ever.

Either you get thicker skin and set the ground rules, or deal with your current situation as is, forever.

I know it doesn't seem fair to have parents that act like children, but sadly this is the life a lot of us lead.

Dont answer the door, when they call and text ignore it. Their problem not yours.

Unknown · March 2013

robinsokj:
joditurner79:
Uh, you gave her first dibs? Lol, no one wants to watch your kid. If they do, it's doing you a afvor, not the other way around. Don't go over anymore. Let your dad deal with the smoking inside and and the all night poker playing. It's none of your business.
Not necessarily. Some grandparents do actually enjoy watching the grand kids. Crazy concept I know

Not the kind that blow smoke rings in their face and double down using the baby as collateral

Kitten80 · March 2013

*disconnect the doorbell if necessary. And simply don't answer. Do it enough and they will get sick of looking ridiculous standing outside. Or, as another pp stated, tell them they are trespassing if they get obnoxious about not leaving. Yes, you need a thick skin. Think about what is best for LO and as LO gets bigger do you want to set the example it is ok to disrespect people in that manner/ok to let someone walk all over you.
Sorry for above errors, I am mobile & can't see past first couple sentences and can't scroll to fix/edit.

Unknown · March 2013

HilarityEnsued:
joditurner79:
LollyLawlz:
joditurner79:

Uh, you gave her first dibs? Lol, no one wants to watch your kid. If they do, it's doing you a afvor, not the other way around.

Don't go over anymore. Let your dad deal with the smoking inside and and the all night poker playing. It's none of your business.

STFU and learn how to spell

STFU and stop asking the same question over and over you broken record

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/70770667.aspx

First of all I knew this post sounded familiar with OPs SN. But regardless... she asked for advice, and I love how you (jodi) say in that other intro thread that you are a lurker but just decided to jump in today, and then pull up posts from months ago and are rude right off the bat. AE fail...

You graduated from Tulane and just heard about google?

LollyLawlz · March 2013

kiraliz2:
LollyLawlz:
They just kind of barge in. I told them both that showing up unannounced was not ok. It's her bedtime, we're about to have dinner etc. My mom just said "well I was going to call but we were already here so oh well". My dad always leaves saying that they will probably show up unannounced again even after I make it clear that it's not ok. I just don't know that I could not answer the door with them standing out there. Maybe I need a thicker skin
Probably. Although you told a complete stranger to STFU so you can probably tell your parents to go home.
Seriously though, like I said before. Set boundaries or else it will just get worse.

A troll on the bump is way different then my parents. But yes I do need to set the boundaries.

mben1119 · March 2013

I agree with PPs. Lock your door, don't answer it. Let them call-you don't have to answer the phone either. No one has rights to your child but you. I feel bad for your dad, honestly, having to deal with all that.

Manateearmz · March 2013

Ladies,

I know its Friday and all, but can we let the trolls starve? Please?

Its ruining my bump experience.

RondackHiker · March 2013

Okay, lolly, think of it this way. By not creating boundaries, you're forcing your h and your child to deal with this. You're stressing your H and child and yourself, while they are happy and get to do what they want. The ones doing the wrong thing are winning, at the cost of your family.

Put your family first. Not your parents. I know it's hard to do. Boundaries are hard to enforce. But you can do it!

LollyLawlz · March 2013

Yes Jodi I asked about the smoking months ago because that was the start of it. It has gotten worse and the situation is different. Let me know if you need this statement in smaller words or perhaps pictures.

I feel even if I did explain to them my boundaries it will still result in a fight. I know them. They will act like I am silly for the way I feel and keep on doing what they are doing.

LollyLawlz · March 2013

mabenner1:
I agree with PPs. Lock your door, don't answer it. Let them call-you don't have to answer the phone either. No one has rights to your child but you. I feel bad for your dad, honestly, having to deal with all that.

This is my biggest problem. I feel like he's being punished for her bs but then again he does go along with it

RondackHiker · March 2013

LollyLawlz:
Yes Jodi I asked about the smoking months ago because that was the start of it.nbsp; It has gotten worse and the situation is different. Let me know if you need this statement in smaller words or perhaps pictures.I feel even if I did explain to them my boundaries it will still result in a fight.nbsp; I know them.nbsp; They will act like I am silly for the way I feel and keep on doing what they are doing.

If these are things you've discussed before, don't do it again. You don't need to debate.

If they show up unannounced, don't let them in. If you feel the need to say anything, tell them you're busy and wish they'd called, and you'll see them later. Then walk away.

The tools to end arguments:

That's not up for debate.
I'm leaving now.
I'm hanging up now.
In not arguing about this, I'm leaving.
That's final.

So what if they think you're silly? They still must follow your rules. They don't need to understand why or agree to follow them. Don't try to convince them; it won't work.

Manateearmz · March 2013

LollyLawlz:
mabenner1:
I agree with PPs. Lock your door, don't answer it. Let them call-you don't have to answer the phone either. No one has rights to your child but you. I feel bad for your dad, honestly, having to deal with all that.
This is my biggest problem. I feel like he's being punished for her bs but then again he does go along with it

Grown man, his choice.

Definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Time to change up your game plan OP, seriously.

RondackHiker · March 2013

LollyLawlz:
mabenner1:
I agree with PPs. Lock your door, don't answer it. Let them call-you don't have to answer the phone either. No one has rights to your child but you. I feel bad for your dad, honestly, having to deal with all that.
This is my biggest problem.  I feel like he's being punished for her bs but then again he does go along with it

I don't. He goes along with it. He could have babysat. He could follow your rules. He told you they'd likely show up anyway... He is just as bad.

LollyLawlz · March 2013

I agree 100% but add in the siblings who also feel I should just ignore it and the pressure gets worse. I feel like the animosity I know will come is just so much. I know how dramatic it can become.

Unknown · March 2013

LollyLawlz:

Let me know if you need this statement in smaller words or perhaps pictures.

Dude, you're a hairstylist. Lol at you using smaller words or pictures with anyone.

Manateearmz · March 2013

LollyLawlz:
I agree 100% but add in the siblings who also feel I should just ignore it and the pressure gets worse. I feel like the animosity I know will come is just so much. I know how dramatic it can become.

ok look, you're unhappy with it. You're in charge of your happiness. You'll appreciate life so much more when you take charge of your own life and stop caring about what other people think.

::hands you a set of big girl balls::

RondackHiker · March 2013

LollyLawlz:
I agree 100 but add in the siblings who also feel I should just ignore it and the pressure gets worse.nbsp; I feel like the animosity I know will come is just so much.nbsp; I know how dramatic it can become.

Tell them it isn't their business. I know it's easy to say and hard to do. But the choices are to deal with this forever, or do something.

RondackHiker · March 2013

Can one block from mobile?

LollyLawlz · March 2013

Bahaha I used to be a hairstylist. But way to believe in stereotypes. Totally makes you more intelligent.

LollyLawlz · March 2013

Thank all of you so much. I will take everyone's advice and go speak with them tomorrow. Hopefully they will hear me out and if not I will just try to do what's best for my family. Putting a stop to how I've been feeling will be reward enough I hope

RondackHiker · March 2013

LollyLawlz:
Thank all of you so much.nbsp; I will take everyone's advice and go speak with them tomorrow.nbsp; Hopefully they will hear me out and if not I will just try to do what's best for my family.nbsp; Putting a stop to how I've been feeling will be reward enough I hope :

You can talk, but I doubt a talk will do it. Just follow through on the actions, k?

Libby1978 · March 2013

robinsokj:
joditurner79:
Uh, you gave her first dibs? Lol, no one wants to watch your kid. If they do, it's doing you a afvor, not the other way around. Don't go over anymore. Let your dad deal with the smoking inside and and the all night poker playing. It's none of your business.
Not necessarily. Some grandparents do actually enjoy watching the grand kids. Crazy concept I know

This! My dad will complain if it's been a while since I dropped Oliver off to play for a few hours. And my MIL & FIL spend every Friday with him, they go on and on about how much they enjoy their time with Oliver.

LollyLawlz · March 2013

kiraliz2:
LollyLawlz:
I agree 100% but add in the siblings who also feel I should just ignore it and the pressure gets worse. I feel like the animosity I know will come is just so much. I know how dramatic it can become.
I give up on this.

Sorry I know it's a bit much

LollyLawlz · March 2013

I will definitely give it a real try

FormerlyKrista555 · March 2013

joditurner79:
Uh, you gave her first dibs? Lol, no one wants to watch your kid. If they do, it's doing you a afvor, not the other way around.

Don't go over anymore. Let your dad deal with the smoking inside and and the all night poker playing. It's none of your business.

Eh, this isn't necessarily true. My parents and in-laws call me and ask when they can babysit next because they need their "grandkid fix".

Your second paragraph is truth, though.

I'd still invite them over and encourage a relationship that way.