Failed situation. Devastated! — The Bump
Adoption

Failed situation. Devastated!

HI Everyone. I have been lurking for a while and hope you  guys have some words of wisdom for us.  We were working with a BM for several months, and all was going smoothly, etc. There were no red flags or any indications at all. We flew halfway across the country to be there for the birth, lugging around an infant car seat and anything else we thought we would need for an extended stay while waiting for papers to be signed.  Baby was born, nurse reported the stats, etc. The mother did not want us to see the baby until the next day. This was the first red flag. The next morning we were told that she was going to keep the baby. We were just devastated. We are very happy we did not see or hold the baby as it would have been even harder. The sad thing is that this baby is now deprived of a chance. (be it with us or anyone else). We grieve the loss and feel angry that we were led down this path for so long and basically rearranged our entire lives to welcome this baby and now we are home with an empty car seat  and lots of explaining to do to our friends and family. :(

 We know this can happen but we never thought it would happen to us in this case. Even up until the moments before the birth we were reassured. We are almost thinking it was a scam to get the living expenses money from us. It is going to be much harder to trust from this point forward. Any advice or anyone who has gone through this before want to share some wisdom with us?  We are going out later to return all the baby stuff we bought in preparation. I just don't want to look at any of it!

 Thank you in advance for your support. 

Re: Failed situation. Devastated!

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  • I'm so so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your H.
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  • I am so sorry, yes we went through the same thing in December except we did get to hold, feed, change, bathe and take pictures with the baby and almost got to leave  when 10 minutes before we got the same line from the social worker.  It sucks big time and it really hurts.  I agree, we think it may have been for the living expenses too but we will never know.  It took about 3-4 weeks for us to grieve and hit the reset button and now we are being way more cautious.  I am not sure why these women would have us fly to the hospital if they thought they would change their minds, in our case they had us make sure all their bills for the month were covered before "changing their mind" which was over $1000.  We were even asked if we wanted them to have a sibling for this one in a couple of years.  Yes messed up, but it is the right of the moms to change their minds and there is no recourse for PAP's.  Unless adoption laws change (and i don't see that happening with so many other things that need to change), PAP are always going to be considered "the rich folks" who can afford to adopt and there will always be EM's out there that may try to take advantage of that.  I am not sure I could accept money from someone for so many months and then not even tell me themselves that they had a change of heart or "i'm sorry it didn't work out".  I know they usually can't afford to pay back any of the money, but t really should be some recourse because this does happen a lot.  I actually respect Greenteabee for not matching with PAP's until after her sons were born because she knew she may change her mind and she did.  If you need to vent, go right ahead, but take the time you need to get over this and figure out your next steps.
    image

    Failed Matches - December 2012, May 2013, December 2013
    Moved on to  gestational surrogacy with a family friend who is our angel and due 7/23/15


  • I'm so sorry for this. Be gentle with yourselves.
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  • fredalina....i do agree that many single parents can do a wonderful job. In fact, i have several friends who are single parents with wonderful well adjusted children. It is very wonderful to hear such a positive success story regarding your sister. HOwever, we are not comparing to your situation at all. I am hopeful that this child grows up in a positive environment and has a successful future. Please realize I am grieving right now and my comments are just in the moment. ..at the end of the day, we were expecting something we did not receive after making many sacrifices ourselves. Please allow us to grieve.

     

  • IRR..

     

    I remember reading your posts when your situation happened. We were so sad for you. After holding and caring for the baby, I can only imagine the intense pain. That was the ONE thing we were thankful for.  I just don't understand why they make us come all the way out to there. It would have been much better to know before hearing that the baby was born, all the stats and knowing that the baby was only a few feet away from us..yet alone to hold the baby!!  It is just wrong. Yes, there is no recourse and i'm sure there are lot of emotions involved on her end. I cant imagine how it must feel to do something like this and we do understand but it is still disappointing to have been THAT close.

    How are doing now? are you back to searching? It is going to be so hard to trust now. Thank you for your support and understanding. Glad to know we are not along in this.

  • I am so sorry.  There have been a lot of failed matches on here lately so lots of support people can offer you.  Sending hugs your way..
    Married Since 09/2006, TTC Since 09/2010 
    DX: Unexplained infertility, DH normal 
    3 Femara cycles - Oct, Nov, Dec 2011, all BFNs 
    IVF #1, ER 2/15 (5R, 4M, 4F), ET 2/18, Beta 2/29 = BFN :( 
    Follistim + IUI on 6/25 = BFN 
    Home Study Finalized 8/14/12! Profile Active - 8/17/12! 
    Officially Matched 8/29/12, Our perfect angel born 9/25/12! 
    Biggest surprise ever, unexpected BFP on 4/12/13! 

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  • image JodyA118:

    IRR..

    How are doing now? are you back to searching? It is going to be so hard to trust now. Thank you for your support and understanding. Glad to know we are not along in this.

    We just started advertising again this week.  No contacts yet, but hoping for something by next week.  We hired a new attorney since our first one messed up a bunch of stuff.  Give yourself a few weeks before making any decisions on how to proceed.  I certainly don't get as upset as I used to, but I still have one friend I cannot talk to since she is pregnant with number 4.  We mainly keep the baby room door closed although it still makes me smile when I see it since we painted it and have a area rug in there that I love!  Just got this week credit back for the furniture we never received.  Returning everything was not fun, but the stuff I couldn't return I gave to a friend who delivered around Christmas and I just got pictures yesterday of her in some of the outfits, so at least I don't feel like everything was a waste.  This board is great for not "being alone", but sometimes it gets depressing when you see folks becoming parents very quickly.  Hang in there. 

    image

    Failed Matches - December 2012, May 2013, December 2013
    Moved on to  gestational surrogacy with a family friend who is our angel and due 7/23/15


  • I am SO sorry. We had 2 failed adoptions but our situations were different. It is still very hard no matter the situation. /hugs. Your baby is waiting for you out there somewhere!
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  • Luckily we did not buy to many things yet and the things we did buy I can return. The irony is that I was invited to TWO baby showers this weekend. Not sure what I want to do....
  • I'm so sorry. Take time to grieve and I sincerely hope your child comes home to you soon.


  • image fredalina:
    I'm so sorry for the pain and loss you feel. I just wanted to comment on your remark that now the baby "is deprived of a chance". Obviously without knowing the specifics, this doesn't sound like a fair statement. While I'm sure you would have been wonderful parents, and will be some day, some single moms are wonderful parents, too. My sister briefly considered making an adoption plan with her first as she was young, single, uneducated, and rather poor. However, she didn't and he has not been the least bit deprived in his life and my sister is a wonderful mother.

    Wow. A story of how your sister was just handed something by chance that she didn't even want that others are willing to spend their life's savings to get is not at all painful to hear especially immediately after having an almost success ripped away.



  • Annalisel...thank you so much for your support..your comments above mean a lot.
  • I'm so very sorry. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Take some time for yourself, and I hope your path forward presents itself soon.
  • I am so very sorry. We went through a failed match right before Christmas where we spent all this time with BM in the hospital, held the baby, fed her, she and I gave baby her first bath, named her, etc. We were told she was our's. Before she was supposed to discharge, her family swooped in and sat at the hospital for 16 hours straight and convinced BM to take baby home; despite no job, means to support her and her already 2-yr-old son, and no real home life.

    It was TERRIBLE. I can still feel that baby girl in my arms, and we totally used our name we'd had put aside for our daughter for years now. We'll never use it again. Our whole family and all our friends knew about the baby. BM had told us to go ahead and post pics of her on FB and send emails out and texts. I had hundreds of people I had to explain things too. 

    Now that we're on the other side of it, we're doing better. It still hurts a few months later (even though we're currently about to be matched again). But it'll always sting. I say you have to really treat it as a serious loss. Grieve however you need to and don't let anyone make you feel bad about grieving. Take time to just be with your hubby and cry, talk, scream it out. Yes, you'll be cautious about everything and probably over-analyze every situation that comes your way from here on out (I know we do). It happened for a reason and it will be revealed to you why at some point. I am so very sorry you're having to go through this pain too. It sucks. It's terrible. Take as much time as you need to get through it. I promise you, with time, you'll be able to get through it. We are here if you need to vent.

    :::FOLLOW MY HALF MARATHON TRAINING:::

    :::Our Adoption Journey:::

    Evan James was born 1/24/13 and matched with us 2/20/13. The LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!
  • wow... I am so sorry for you guys too. I cna't imagine how horrible that loss was.  I guess we are lucky we didn't hold the baby. I am so happy you have matched again and can move on. We know there is a right situation out there for us and this was not the right one. It's okay. We grow from having this experience. When is this baby going to be born? I wish you all the happiness you deserve. I hope this is the "the one" for you and your hubby!
  • image NariaDreaming:
    image fredalina:
    image annalisel:

    image fredalina:
    I'm so sorry for the pain and loss you feel. I just wanted to comment on your remark that now the baby "is deprived of a chance". Obviously without knowing the specifics, this doesn't sound like a fair statement. While I'm sure you would have been wonderful parents, and will be some day, some single moms are wonderful parents, too. My sister briefly considered making an adoption plan with her first as she was young, single, uneducated, and rather poor. However, she didn't and he has not been the least bit deprived in his life and my sister is a wonderful mother.

    Wow. A story of how your sister was just handed something by chance that she didn't even want that others are willing to spend their life's savings to get is not at all painful to hear especially immediately after having an almost success ripped away.

    Wow, you seriously missed the point by a mile. I'm infertile. I have experienced many of the same pains that many of the AP's and PAP's have experienced including the loss of foster children and the near loss of DD. But others come here hurting, too, because they are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy and are contemplating adoption or have placed a child with another couple, which is undoubtedly its own huge loss. We should be careful of our words hurting someone who is experiencing pain in a different way from our own. The OP's choice of words was very offensive. I am calmly asking her to be aware of how hurtful she is coming across.
    Thank you for saying what I couldn't find the words to say yesterday. And annalisel I would like to ask you to think about how you phrased things as well. Perhaps her sisters pregnancy was UNPLANNED, but the fact that she considered adoption and ultimately chose to parent suggests that the child was very much wanted. Your words about the child of a mother considering adoption and/or single parenting being unwanted hurt me more than you could ever possibly imagine. I'm sorry if that was not how you intended the post to be read, but that is how I interpreted it.

    I'm sincerely sorry that I hurt you. I apologize.

    I wasn't thinking specifically about adoption or children at all when I made the post, more about how one should respond to someone when they are hurting. I would have had the same reaction to the type of response that upset me if the topic was disappointment about not getting a job they had worked hard for. It was the success story in response to someone else's failure that upset me. 

    I absolutely do not think or feel that any child is truly unwanted by any of their parents even if their parents ultimately feel that it would be best to find other people to raise them, or even if they seriously considered abortion early on. Conversely, it would be naive people indeed who go into parenthood without any doubts. Fredalina's sister did the mature thing, considered her options and chose what she thought best for her and her child.

    You and fredalina had excellent points that I would completely agree with if they were expanded upon in a separate, valuable discussion.

    ETA: Thinking about this some more, I realize that "wanted" when referring to children can be a loaded word. I was thinking more along the lines of "wasn't even striving for". I do understand that the whole post regardless of wording shouldn't have been made. I will walk away the next time I am upset. Again I am sorry that I caused you and anyone else pain.



  • image fredalina:
    image annalisel:

    image fredalina:
    I'm so sorry for the pain and loss you feel. I just wanted to comment on your remark that now the baby "is deprived of a chance". Obviously without knowing the specifics, this doesn't sound like a fair statement. While I'm sure you would have been wonderful parents, and will be some day, some single moms are wonderful parents, too. My sister briefly considered making an adoption plan with her first as she was young, single, uneducated, and rather poor. However, she didn't and he has not been the least bit deprived in his life and my sister is a wonderful mother.

    Wow. A story of how your sister was just handed something by chance that she didn't even want that others are willing to spend their life's savings to get is not at all painful to hear especially immediately after having an almost success ripped away.

    Wow, you seriously missed the point by a mile. I'm infertile. I have experienced many of the same pains that many of the AP's and PAP's have experienced including the loss of foster children and the near loss of DD. But others come here hurting, too, because they are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy and are contemplating adoption or have placed a child with another couple, which is undoubtedly its own huge loss. We should be careful of our words hurting someone who is experiencing pain in a different way from our own. The OP's choice of words was very offensive. I am calmly asking her to be aware of how hurtful she is coming across.

    I didn't miss your point. I agree with it. I was upset by the timing and method of delivery. I afraid that I didn't understand how offensive the original comment was. You are saying it was very offensive while I originally thought it was milder and from a place of mitigating frustration. Your comment seemed like an escalation and then I escalated further (for which I apologize) because I was upset that someone in pain was being caused more pain. And now I have sadly caused even more pain and so I will continue to read and learn and do my best not to make the same mistake again.



  • Hi!  I am new to the website, I am so sorry to hear about your failed situation.  Few questions for you....first did you go through an agency or seek out the BM on your own?  I would 100% recommend go with an agency.  We absolutely love ours and they are great at protecting our rights along with the birthmothers rights.  Also get an attorney, a lot of states have strict laws about what you can give/not give the BM.  I am from Pennsylvania and we as adoptives parents are not permitted to pay any kind of living expenses.

    Good luck to you!

    Mrs. R

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