Failed situation. Devastated!
HI Everyone. I have been lurking for a while and hope you guys have some words of wisdom for us. We were working with a BM for several months, and all was going smoothly, etc. There were no red flags or any indications at all. We flew halfway across the country to be there for the birth, lugging around an infant car seat and anything else we thought we would need for an extended stay while waiting for papers to be signed. Baby was born, nurse reported the stats, etc. The mother did not want us to see the baby until the next day. This was the first red flag. The next morning we were told that she was going to keep the baby. We were just devastated. We are very happy we did not see or hold the baby as it would have been even harder. The sad thing is that this baby is now deprived of a chance. (be it with us or anyone else). We grieve the loss and feel angry that we were led down this path for so long and basically rearranged our entire lives to welcome this baby and now we are home with an empty car seat and lots of explaining to do to our friends and family. 
We know this can happen but we never thought it would happen to us in this case. Even up until the moments before the birth we were reassured. We are almost thinking it was a scam to get the living expenses money from us. It is going to be much harder to trust from this point forward. Any advice or anyone who has gone through this before want to share some wisdom with us? We are going out later to return all the baby stuff we bought in preparation. I just don't want to look at any of it!
Thank you in advance for your support.
Re: Failed situation. Devastated!
fredalina....i do agree that many single parents can do a wonderful job. In fact, i have several friends who are single parents with wonderful well adjusted children. It is very wonderful to hear such a positive success story regarding your sister. HOwever, we are not comparing to your situation at all. I am hopeful that this child grows up in a positive environment and has a successful future. Please realize I am grieving right now and my comments are just in the moment. ..at the end of the day, we were expecting something we did not receive after making many sacrifices ourselves. Please allow us to grieve.
IRR..
I remember reading your posts when your situation happened. We were so sad for you. After holding and caring for the baby, I can only imagine the intense pain. That was the ONE thing we were thankful for. I just don't understand why they make us come all the way out to there. It would have been much better to know before hearing that the baby was born, all the stats and knowing that the baby was only a few feet away from us..yet alone to hold the baby!! It is just wrong. Yes, there is no recourse and i'm sure there are lot of emotions involved on her end. I cant imagine how it must feel to do something like this and we do understand but it is still disappointing to have been THAT close.
How are doing now? are you back to searching? It is going to be so hard to trust now. Thank you for your support and understanding. Glad to know we are not along in this.
We just started advertising again this week. No contacts yet, but hoping for something by next week. We hired a new attorney since our first one messed up a bunch of stuff. Give yourself a few weeks before making any decisions on how to proceed. I certainly don't get as upset as I used to, but I still have one friend I cannot talk to since she is pregnant with number 4. We mainly keep the baby room door closed although it still makes me smile when I see it since we painted it and have a area rug in there that I love! Just got this week credit back for the furniture we never received. Returning everything was not fun, but the stuff I couldn't return I gave to a friend who delivered around Christmas and I just got pictures yesterday of her in some of the outfits, so at least I don't feel like everything was a waste. This board is great for not "being alone", but sometimes it gets depressing when you see folks becoming parents very quickly. Hang in there.
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
Wow. A story of how your sister was just handed something by chance that she didn't even want that others are willing to spend their life's savings to get is not at all painful to hear especially immediately after having an almost success ripped away.
I am so very sorry. We went through a failed match right before Christmas where we spent all this time with BM in the hospital, held the baby, fed her, she and I gave baby her first bath, named her, etc. We were told she was our's. Before she was supposed to discharge, her family swooped in and sat at the hospital for 16 hours straight and convinced BM to take baby home; despite no job, means to support her and her already 2-yr-old son, and no real home life.
It was TERRIBLE. I can still feel that baby girl in my arms, and we totally used our name we'd had put aside for our daughter for years now. We'll never use it again. Our whole family and all our friends knew about the baby. BM had told us to go ahead and post pics of her on FB and send emails out and texts. I had hundreds of people I had to explain things too.
Now that we're on the other side of it, we're doing better. It still hurts a few months later (even though we're currently about to be matched again). But it'll always sting. I say you have to really treat it as a serious loss. Grieve however you need to and don't let anyone make you feel bad about grieving. Take time to just be with your hubby and cry, talk, scream it out. Yes, you'll be cautious about everything and probably over-analyze every situation that comes your way from here on out (I know we do). It happened for a reason and it will be revealed to you why at some point. I am so very sorry you're having to go through this pain too. It sucks. It's terrible. Take as much time as you need to get through it. I promise you, with time, you'll be able to get through it. We are here if you need to vent.
:::Our Adoption Journey:::
Evan James was born 1/24/13 and matched with us 2/20/13. The LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!
I'm sincerely sorry that I hurt you. I apologize.
I wasn't thinking specifically about adoption or children at all when I made the post, more about how one should respond to someone when they are hurting. I would have had the same reaction to the type of response that upset me if the topic was disappointment about not getting a job they had worked hard for. It was the success story in response to someone else's failure that upset me.
I absolutely do not think or feel that any child is truly unwanted by any of their parents even if their parents ultimately feel that it would be best to find other people to raise them, or even if they seriously considered abortion early on. Conversely, it would be naive people indeed who go into parenthood without any doubts. Fredalina's sister did the mature thing, considered her options and chose what she thought best for her and her child.
You and fredalina had excellent points that I would completely agree with if they were expanded upon in a separate, valuable discussion.
ETA: Thinking about this some more, I realize that "wanted" when referring to children can be a loaded word. I was thinking more along the lines of "wasn't even striving for". I do understand that the whole post regardless of wording shouldn't have been made. I will walk away the next time I am upset. Again I am sorry that I caused you and anyone else pain.
I didn't miss your point. I agree with it. I was upset by the timing and method of delivery. I afraid that I didn't understand how offensive the original comment was. You are saying it was very offensive while I originally thought it was milder and from a place of mitigating frustration. Your comment seemed like an escalation and then I escalated further (for which I apologize) because I was upset that someone in pain was being caused more pain. And now I have sadly caused even more pain and so I will continue to read and learn and do my best not to make the same mistake again.
Hi! I am new to the website, I am so sorry to hear about your failed situation. Few questions for you....first did you go through an agency or seek out the BM on your own? I would 100% recommend go with an agency. We absolutely love ours and they are great at protecting our rights along with the birthmothers rights. Also get an attorney, a lot of states have strict laws about what you can give/not give the BM. I am from Pennsylvania and we as adoptives parents are not permitted to pay any kind of living expenses.
Good luck to you!
Mrs. R