Keep SD overnight if DH is out of town?

cole2144 · December 2012

We are all hearing the same thing from your posts. Just because you do not like the responses does not mean we did not read what you said.

NM86 · December 2012

cole2144:
We are all hearing the same thing from your posts. Just because you do not like the responses does not mean we did not read what you said.

Okay.

karleegirl · December 2012

I get where you are coming from NM. I do think if it's your h's time and bm doesn't want her than it's your responsibility to keep her. But I get your frustration in you being a parent in bm's eyes when it's convienent.
I think this was more of a vent that went out of control.

hopanka · December 2012

I totally get your point that in comparison you are the one who has no breaks, because you are either parenting one child or two at any given moment. You are never childless, so to speak. She on the other hand parents one child half the time and the other half she has zero children and gets her me time frequently. I also totally understand your logic that a mother who only gets to spend half the time with her OWN child, should want to jump at any opportunity to get more time. You, as a full time mom, do this all the time,so from your perspective, you want to jump at every opportunity to spend time with YOUR child. Many women on this board do too, me included. Dads call they can't make it, and we run to get our kids. There are also people that go to extremes for this reason and play games and refuse to give visitation, because they want to be with their kids all the time. This scenario is not right, but it's at least more understandable, than your scenario, where the parent doesn't feel the need to spend all the time in the world with their kids that they have to share anyway. The difference is, people have all kinds of personalities, views on life, family dynamic, even their kids. So, even though you don't get it, because from your POV its unthinkable to refuse time with your kids you only get see part time, for her it may be perfectly reasonable. She is a different person than you are, so universally you can't say what she should and shouldn't do. In my opinion, she should, in your opinion, she should, but that doesn't mean you and I are right. We just view parenting differently. Now, I do agree with everyone else that it would be a shi*ty move on your part to leave her behind and take your kid for a getaway with your husband. That's the hardship of blended and rule number one you never break. You just don't get to snub your SD, all kids need to feel loved the same way and equally. Sorry, it is the right thing to do.

J&A2008 · December 2012

mom2one:
How sad for the child in this situation that apparently no one wants to spend time with her.

Hey, we agree! I'm feeling this too.

NM86 · December 2012

hopanka:
I totally get your point that in comparison you are the one who has no breaks, because you are either parenting one child or two at any given moment. You are never childless, so to speak. She on the other hand parents one child half the time and the other half she has zero children and gets her me time frequently. I also totally understand your logic that a mother who only gets to spend half the time with her OWN child, should want to jump at any opportunity to get more time. You, as a full time mom, do this all the time,so from your perspective, you want to jump at every opportunity to spend time with YOUR child. Many women on this board do too, me included. Dads call they can't make it, and we run to get our kids. There are also people that go to extremes for this reason and play games and refuse to give visitation, because they want to be with their kids all the time. This scenario is not right, but it's at least more understandable, than your scenario, where the parent doesn't feel the need to spend all the time in the world with their kids that they have to share anyway. The difference is, people have all kinds of personalities, views on life, family dynamic, even their kids. So, even though you don't get it, because from your POV its unthinkable to refuse time with your kids you only get see part time, for her it may be perfectly reasonable. She is a different person than you are, so universally you can't say what she should and shouldn't do. In my opinion, she should, in your opinion, she should, but that doesn't mean you and I are right. We just view parenting differently. Now, I do agree with everyone else that it would be a shity move on your part to leave her behind and take your kid for a getaway with your husband. That's the hardship of blended and rule number one you never break. You just don't get to snub your SD, all kids need to feel loved the same way and equally. Sorry, it is the right thing to do.

Thank you for explaining what I tried to do.

I agree that it would be horrible to leave SD behind. If her mom would have taken her, then DS and I would have gone with DH. But that is not the case. She will be staying with me as usual.

So what would be the right thing to do if BM calls me up during one of the days that DH is gone and asks for SD? They have ROFR. If she declines it now, can she change her mind later? Is it wrong to say no? She has rights over mine, but it sucks that she can...and usually does...cherry pick what best suits her. What would be right then?

mom2one · December 2012

J&A2008:
mom2one:
How sad for the child in this situation that apparently no one wants to spend time with her.
Hey, we agree! I'm feeling this too.

It's making me really sad. I hate the posts like this because you KNOW the child feels unwanted. Blah.

NM86 · December 2012

mom2one:
J&A2008:
mom2one:
How sad for the child in this situation that apparently no one wants to spend time with her.

Hey, we agree! I'm feeling this too.
It's making me really sad. I hate the posts like this because you KNOW the child feels unwanted. Blah.

You don't KNOW anything. How incredibly rude and disrespectful you are to even imply that.

My SD does not feel and will never be made to feel unwanted. She does not know what goes on between BM and DH in regards to things like this and never will. She is loved by her entire family and knows it. She is well taken care of. So please, just stop. It's enough already. I'm sure more of you will continue to jump on and make things out to be something entirely different. But if you feel the need to make me feel less than you, I can't stop you. Now you're just being bullies.

I came here for a place to vent and get some insight into the other side of things and a few people actually helped while most just decided to jump on the bandwagon and take things where they didn't need to go and this post got out of hand. Things I said were misinterpreted and I admit I didn't explain things clearly enough it seems.

So please just stop. If you continue to imply that we treat SD less than she should be treated I will have to DD. But I'm sure some of you have already copied this thread so as to continue the drama long after it's DD.

Seriously. Please just stop with the useless and mean remarks. I get it. I see where people are coming from. I was just venting and was upset. Now I have a level head and can clearly see both sides. Thank you for helping me to see I was wrong in some aspects. But now the mean comments need to stop. It's hurtful and not needed.

hopanka · December 2012

If she calls during the time she is in your care and wants to make reasonable arrangements with plenty of notice, then you should make SD available. You asked what I think is the right thing to do, so this is it, IMO. However, you do not need to be a doormat and be at her beck and call. Reasonable accommodations that do not interfere with your important routines or activities, that is the key. Only then you may feel less resentful and more in control, but you need to set those expectations, so others know you mean business and they will follow the rules once they realize that.

FeralHeart · December 2012

Speaking as a single mother, I'd say it shows a lot of trust in you that she's willing to let her child stay with you overnight like that, especially without your husband there. To be honest, I'm not really sure why you're upset about it. Keeping a consistent routine is a big thing for a kid, especially that young. If your house is where the child normally is on those days, then she should be there. For her mother to say that she trusts you alone overnight with her child shows that she considers you a part of her child's life.

On top of that, you seem upset that the child's mother is reminding you that you're not another parent, but now you're upset that she's letting you have time with the child alone? Double standard much? I'm going to be completely honest here, you can love that kid like one of your own as much as you want, but you're the STEPmother. You're not a second parent. If you were her parent, this situation wouldn't have even made it to this board because it would be second nature for you to be caring for that child. For her mother to put that kind of trust in you is a big step, and quite frankly it's highly unfair of you to criticize her for it.

FeralHeart · December 2012

One thing I forgot to mention. She said "It might be easier just to do that so I don't have to drive back and forth every day". She didn't definitely say, "Keep her because I don't want to drive". You need to quit acting like she did.

Want a personalized experience?

Keep SD overnight if DH is out of town?

Re: Keep SD overnight if DH is out of town?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards