Keep SD overnight if DH is out of town?
NM86
member
DH and BM have SD (5) 50/50 everything. They have 2 week nights each, and then alternate Friday, Saturday, and Sunday (weekends). BM's stepdad watches SD during the day on BM's days and I watch her during the day on DH's days.
So DH told BM the dates he will be out of town. He said that I would be happy to watch SD during the days I usually do, that she just has to let me know.
Her response? (in email) "I am fine with "NM86" keeping her during those days. If you are going out of town I am more than happy to keep her those nights and bring her back in the morning, or she can just stay there over night too. It might be easier just to do that so I don't have to drive back and forth every day."
Wait, what? Shouldn't BM want those nights with SD? She would rather me keep SD on DH's days and nights and not see her at all for 5 days instead of her just driving to pick her up and drop her off...which is only 20 minutes away?
DH is going to write back that I will just keep her during the days and not the nights...but I thought it was a given that if either BM or DH is gone that the other parent would keep SD? That's how it works right?
I am fine with keeping her overnight when DH is gone...but shouldn't her mom want all the time she can get? It's hard to think she is okay with not seeing SD for 5 days when she is perfecly able to, but she doesn't want to because she has to drive.
Plus the fact that I am not her parent. She is always reminding us of how I am not SD's other parent. I can't do this or that with or for SD...yet I am responsible for keeping SD over night when DH is out of town?
SM's...Would you expect to keep your stepchild over night if your DH is out of town instead on BM? (considering if BM has custody too)
BM's...Would you expect your child to stay over day and night with SM if the child's father was out of town?
Re: Keep SD overnight if DH is out of town?
In our experience if it's SD's mothers time, but mom has to work (nurse, night shift) or go somewhere over night, SD will usually just stay with her Stepdad, gandmother or stepgrandmother. This is mostly because BM is not going to give us any time with SD that we are not "entitled" to.
But on our side it's the same way. We had plan this summer to go out of town one weekend. BM needed to switch up the weekends because of something so we ended up having SD the weekend we were going out of town. Did we send her back to her mothers? No. She spend the night with DH parents.
Don't know if that answered your question at all. We are a little different since we only get SD EOW.
I keep SS's if DH is anywhere. It is my DH's time and I'm parent on his time. Plus the SK's are apart of our family and it would feel strange to send them away just because dad isn't home....their brother and sister still are here.
It is your DH`s obligation to keep SD during his time. If he cannot for some reason he is responsible for finding someone to keep her. He can certainly offer her mom the time but if she is busy or whatever then he has to figure it out.
I would have no problem keeping SD overnight without DH there, I would still have my son anyway.
What I'm hearing from you is that you are frustrated that in the past, BM has suggested that you are not SD's Mom or even a parent and now she is okay with letting her daughter stay with you alone, the "non-parent"?
I can understand that frustration, but you should understand that you ARE a parent, you are a step parent, despite what BM says or has said in the past. Perhaps BM is just becoming aware or okay with this fact, or perhaps she has a double standard. In any case, I wouldn't let it bother you. Are you okay with spending the evening alone with SD? If so, enjoy the fact that BM is okay with it too and move on.
This.
Although I believe there is something in our CO that says if we are doing vacay or something that requires a sitter (even granparents), that we're supposed to first offer that time to the other parent. With BM being 4 hours away, it usually doesn't apply. Plus with two young kids, the only vacations I'm getting are the rare occasion that I can find time for a hair cut.
I'm just frustrated with the double standards just because she doesn't want to drive. She gets off work at 4, so she would get 3 to 4 hours with SD in the evening. So to me, 40 minutes of driving doesn't compare to spending time with her. And we are talking months in advance here, so she most likely doesn't have plans.
It's not her being nice saying I think you are an important part of her life and I'm okay with her staying with you when DH is gone.
It's her doing what is best for her.
I'm sorry, I just don't agree. I think SD should be with her mom over me.
What upsets me is not the fact of keeping SD. It's the double standard.
Last week I wasn't allowed to take SD to the doctor, while I was watching her and it was DH's day, because 'I am not SD's parent' as BM put it. It was an appt I made that day because SD was feelng bad. So what does BM do? She throws a fit that I was going to take her(I am legally allowed to take her on behalf of DH, we sign a paper with the doctor's office). So BM takes off from work for a few hours to come pick SD up from me, takes her to the doctor, then drops her back off to me. Then after it was all said and done yelled at me and DH because she got in trouble for leaving work...all when I was perfectly ready and able to take SD myself.
But now it's all of a sudden okay for me to keep her overnight instead of her? When she should want all the time she can get with her daughter, just because she has to drive? That why I'm frustrated.
I'm not complaining...I was venting while asking questions. I already said in my first post that DH was going to tell her that I would watch SD as usual during the days only.
I also wanted to see what others thought about keeing their SKs in place of their bioparents.
As I said before, I don't mind keeping her. I just don't like the double standards is all. That was the venting part.
And I have to agree. Taking her to a simple doctor appt is not the same as keeping SD over night. For the doctor appt you just take her in and explain what's going on, they do an exam and tell you what's wrong and send you on your way with instructions on what to do. But keeing a child an entire day and night as well you are caring for all their needs all day long. It's more involved IMO.
I disagree. I would trust a 17-year-old to keep my kid overnight, but I'd still want to be at a doctor appointment.
I agree that doctors appointments and overnights are apples and oranges.
In the situation described in the OP, I think the stepparent keeping the kiddo is a nonissue. I don't think it's odd that she proposed it, and I think it's okay if you accept or decline. I don't think any of it says anything positive or negative about anyone's parenting.
But I think doctors appointments are a bigger deal. There is often a lot said between the doctor and adult, and you really have to be there to catch all of it. When one of the kids is sick and I take them to the doctor, I usually call DH on the way home and try to tell him everything before I forget stuff.
Anyway, I understand why the double standard is annoying. But humans are consistently inconsistent. If you decline the time, she'll probably think you're being inconsistent too.
And to answer your 'shouldn't BM want her?' question in your OP... I don't know. My parents watch my kids all the time. My dad takes DD to the local kids museum 2-3x week so DH and I can have lunch or I can work out or whatever. My parents watched my kids on Christmas night so DH and I could go to Les Mis. They're keeping my kids for 2 weeks in February while DH and I go on holiday. So... I don't require every second I can have with my kids.
I might feel different if XH had DS 50/50. But I guess I would just caution against judging someone for not fighting over every single day/night.
Yes. While DH was deployed, we kept the 50/50 custody schedule, and the kids stayed with me during "dad's time." Anytime he's out of town, it's still business as usual. If for some reason I can't, BM will trade or help out where needed (taking SS to soccer or something).
It is your DHs time, he does not get to demand that she take SD, it is up to him to find someone to watch his child during his custody time.
It sounds to be like you expected her to jump at the chance to take her and she said no and now you are mad and demanding that she take her.
You said you are just venting and not mad but you are not backing down. And you said you came here for others opinions and everyone seemed to say the same thing, you should be keeping her.
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If DH is gone for whatever reason but it's his Parenting time they either switch time or I just keep SS for that time. I think it would be harder for Sk to go back and forth everyday. Who would want to do that everyday? I think that would be tge very last option and how much that would make SK feel unwanted.
I guess I just didn't realize that parents were supposed to get breaks. Especially if they only have their child 50/50. I'm not a BM in that type of situation, so I just don't get it. I think parents, especially ones that only have their children part of the time, should want to have as much time as they can. I can understand wanting a break to go to the movies or have the grandparents have the kids over night once in a while...but I just thought that she would want to have her.
But thank you guys for explaining things from a different perspective. It's nice to get input from the other side of things.
Okay, I think I get it now. DH explained it to me like this...
It is his responsibility to take care of SD on his parenting days. If he is gone then he needs to first tell BM because they have ROFR. If she cannot or does not want to have SD, then DH has to make other arrangements.
That makes sense.
But what doesn't make sense to me is why she wouldn't want to keep her. With only having her 50/50 I just assumed that she would want to have that extra time with her. But from what a lot of people are saying about wanting breaks and all that, I guess it's normal.
In that case I may just ask DH to make other arrangements so that I can have a break too. DS and I will just have one on one time for the 5 days DH is gone.
Does that make me a bad person?
DH and BMs custody agreement does not include first right of refusal so if he is not going to be home for whatever reason he can decide to leave SD with me, leave her with someone else, or ask her mom if she would like the time. SD has always just stayed with me.
The only time this became an issue for us was when we went on our honeymoon. BM assumed she would keep SD (but didn't say anything to DH or myself) and DH just assumed SD would stay with his parents. BM got really upset and the lawyers got involved. But because there is no right of first refusal it was determined that whomever the time "belongs to" gets to decide what to do with SD if they can't be with her.
As for BM not wanting the time, it's hard to say why. Maybe she has plans. Maybe she's concerned that SD will be confused or upset if the schedule doesn't stay the same. Maybe she is trying to foster a good relationship between you and SD. It's hard to imagine a parent willingly giving up 5 days, but at the same time, she has to every other weekend.
I agree with this. I side-eye you sending SD away "for a break." Sorry, you do what you have to do, but I think it's wrong.
This.
My SO has no ROFR clause and if he is going to be away or is working during his time or anything else I watch LO. BM lives with her parents and often goes out and etc and they watch LO, we view it as if it is your time it is just like with any other child and if you need to go somewhere you find childcare kind of thing, only really ask BM to take her if it is an emergency or something.
Also I'm kind of surprised you'd want your husband to have someone else take care of your SD while he was away so you can have "alone time" with your other child, don't you kind of have alone time during the day the half the week you don't have SD(since you say you stay home during the day with SD I am assuming you also do the rest of the week.) If anything I'd maybe want a few hours with just me and my step child since I get less time with them. I dunno in our house step children and bio children will be treated the same when they are here so I would never send one away and keep the other. Guess different people view it differently.
He said I could go before, but I felt bad because it's the days I watch SD. But DH asked his parents if they would be willing to watch SD while we are away if BM cannot and they said that they want to keep her because they haven't spent a lot of time with her in a while. So we took care of everything on our end so I can go now. It's not all on BM to make accommodations for DH...which is how it should be.
But all of you saying I should get a side eye because I should have SD and don't need a break...exactly my point, but in terms on Bm. BM should be the one to have her child if DH cannnot. She doesnt need a break. She clearly stated in her email...and I also stated in my OP that she said the reason she doesn't want to have SD is because she doesn't want to drive. She even said she would take off a day or two during that time so she won't have to drive her on the weekend to me.
She gets breaks every other 25 days. So I was upset with the fact that she just wrote off having extra time with her child like it was nothing. It's a double standard. BM gets breaks. I do not. So me wanting to finally have one...I work when we don't have SD...even if it's just one on one time with DS, is wrong?
Wow.
But this thread has gotten way off topic. I was just venting that I think bioparents should have their children when the other bio parent cannot. It's just sad that a parent wouldn't want to.
Plus it's a double standard. BM wants me to watch SD and care for her and all that, yet she still tries to control how and what we do during our parenting time. So I am supposed to treat SD like my own...which I do when we have her...but then again not if it means it'll make BM mad...like having one on one time at the movies with just Sd and me or getting our nails done, etc.
First, you do get a break when SD is with her mother. Next it is your husband`s responsibility to have his daughter on his time. You are her SM so if he can not take her because he has work, you should watch her not send her away so you, and your child can have a getaway with him. You don`t seem to get it. You keep trying to put blame on BM when she is not in the wrong. You don`t get to decide whether she needs a break or not. You are a family and the children should be treated the same.
But that's my point. Things are not treated the same as a family in our situation. That's why it's a big deal. I'm supposed to watch SD and care for her unless her mom wants her...then she would trump me.
So I have to be on call. That's not how a family works.
It does not matter what BM does, in your home the children should be treated the same. If you had 2 biological children, I highly doubt you would leave one behind to have a mini-vacay. You need to take BM out of the equation because she is not a factor in this situation. It is your DH`s time and his obligation to figure it out.
But we have ROFR, so he can't just take her out of it.
Look, I get that it's not right to do all of that. I was just trying to make a point...which is lost at this point because everyone is reading far too into things just because I am the 'enemy' at this point.
I get what you all are saying. And I agree with 98% of it all.
What I don't get, and will never understand, is why a bioparent would not want to have extra time, if they are offered, with their child who they only see 50% of the time. I get things come up and there might be plans, etc. But BM said it's because she has to drive...how does that make any sense? It doesn't.
I am not blaming her for anything, so I don't get where that is coming from...I just don't understand it. And that was the jist of my post.
It got turned into be complaining that I have to keep SD (which I wouldn't mind doing). It's just frusterating that I am expected to keep her and treat her like my biochild (which I always do when we have her), but then to have all these restrictions put upon our relationship because of BM. It sucks. And I don't understand that part of things.
"But we have ROFR, so he can't just take her out of it.
Look, I get that it's not right to do all of that. I was just trying to make a point...which is lost at this point because everyone is reading far too into things just because I am the 'enemy' at this point.
I get what you all are saying. And I agree with 98% of it all.
What I don't get, and will never understand, is why a bioparent would not want to have extra time, if they are offered, with their child who they only see 50% of the time. I get things come up and there might be plans, etc. But BM said it's because she has to drive...how does that make any sense? It doesn't.
I am not blaming her for anything, so I don't get where that is coming from...I just don't understand it. And that was the jist of my post.
It got turned into be complaining that I have to keep SD (which I wouldn't mind doing). It's just frusterating that I am expected to keep her and treat her like my biochild (which I always do when we have her), but then to have all these restrictions put upon our relationship because of BM. It sucks. And I don't understand that part of things."
But your DH offered her the time and she said no so she is out of the equation. You are blaming her and accusing her. You say she does not have plans and does not need a break when really those things could also be a factor in her not wanting the extra time. You were complaining about keeping her, and trying to get out of it so you and DS could spend alone time with DH.
No, she said she would get back to us.
What am I blaming her for? That doesn't make any sense. I don't remember writing that any where.
And I am not complaining about keeping her. I just think her mom should want to have her over me. I don't get her logic. That's what I the majority of my OP was about.
I am not trying to "get out of it". What am I? 12? Really? We'd spend extra money on a plabe ticket just so I don't have to watch SD? That's just weird to me.
If I do go with DH, then he has made arrangements for SD. BM is "out of it". And it's not to get away with just DH and DS. We would love to take SD, but her mom took her out of town already and she can't miss any more days of school. I'd only go out there for a 3 day weekend. So I'd still have 2 days with SD. See, all is good.
You obviously are not getting it. The fact that your DH is okay with you leaving SD behind to have a getaway with the two of you during his time with SD makes me side-eye him too.
Really? That's not what's happening here.
And DH has to go out of town for work.
You do not have to go with him though.
Okay, it's clear at this point that no one is reading the entire thread and then posting.
I said IF I went out of town with DH, would it be the same?
And you are correct. IT IS MY DH'S TIME and in their CO BM has ROFR. She refused. So it is up to my DH to make arrangements. If I go with DH then his parents will watch her, if I don't go I will have her.
That's not what the post was about.
It was about me VENTING that I think that BM should want to keep her. Then I asked if the SMs out there would keep thier SKids or if the BMs would expect their child's SM to keep thier child instead of them.
THAT WAS IT.
Then everyone jumped on the bandwagon and skewed my posts and took them out of context. Maybe I didn't write things clearly. I'm sorry for that.
But why is it okay for you to judge BM for not wanting the extra time? Maybe she has plans. And plans can be anything from dates to errands or laundry. If it was her time, I think that people would better understand your position.
xMIL called today asking if they could keep DS an extra day. I said okay. Am I worthy of being judged a bad parent?
I read through everything and almost replied but didn't. I just read through everything again. It honestly comes across as you not wanting to spend the time with your SD. It seems as though you are angry and resentful that her mother won't take the extra time so that you wouldn't have to watch her. Whether it's true or not that's what's coming across.
I think it would be horrible for your husband and you to go away together with your son and leave SD behind. I can't imagine why a father would be ok with doing that. Then you complain that her mother doesn't want to watch her on her father's time...it's just odd.