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Adoption
Betrayed and Greiving - Long
After being reassured that the BP's were certain with their decision even after she was born and also being told by the BM that if we wanted a sibling for the child in a few years she would be happy to provide us one, the minute the social worker showed up for them to sign over custody she changed her mind. I have never felt the pain like I am feeling and I know most on here agree that if a BM wants to parent it is probably best for the child, but I know otherwise. I am grieving for this little girl who would have had an opportunity to get an education and instead is going to worry about whether or not she will have a warm bathe. I am grieving for the loss of a child that I was able to give her first bottle to and first diaper change. I am grieving for the fact that I spend five hours yesterday caring for a child and was able to change her into the outfit that she was leaving the hospital in and literally 10 minutes before discharge was told by the BM that she needed a minute which turned into three hours at which point my DH and I decided it was best to leave. I am hysterical over the fact that in our rental car we have a car seat and stroller that we will now return along with a ton of formula that the hospital gave us and diapers that we will never get to use. I am hurting so bad that I cannot sleep and it is now 3am. I am sitting in a hotel room that was suppose to be shared with my daughter but is now just filled with hurt and pain.
This hurts 100x worse than my two miscarriages and 2 failed IFV's. Forget the fact that we invested a ton of time and money with these BP. I was sickened when I still had to write a check for over $3K to finish up the costs for their expenses since the BP's demanded that their December expenses be paid while they were in the hospital for their rent and utilities and of course our lawyer and SW had to be paid for the time they put in. They now need to spread their measly resources they have among 5 children while I am left with none. I am not sure how we could have been told numerous times that "don't worry, we are not going to change our minds" to I am now sitting here typing this post. The SW thinks that after some time she still may change her mind, but for now DH and I need to figure how to get over this and move on. I know he is hurting really badly too right now but doesn't show it the same way as the plethora of tears roll down my cheeks. He has equated yesterday to the worst day of his life and is broken up over the fact that he was able to calm the baby down while she was crying as he too held her for hours over the past 3 days.
My DH is right when he says there are no winners in this situation. The BP's now have another child that they can't afford taking resources away from the ones they have. We are now childless and our parents too are devastated for they aren't going to meet the grandchild they so badly wanted us to have. Our lawyer was kind enough to only charge 50% of her total fee even though she worked her ass off and had even set a court date which she now needs to go back to the judge to cancel. And most importantly, this little baby has now been robbed of an opportunity to literally have a better life than that of her siblings. She will probably follow in her mother's footsteps which is a life I wouldn't wish on anyone and it breaks my heart. When I first met the EM, I almost wanted to adopt her too. How someone so young can continue to dig a deeper hole for themselves is something I will never understand. Our worlds are very far apart and even though I am torn up inside and out, I am grateful that I will never have to worry about having hot water.
If you have read this far, thank you for letting me get some of this out and off my chest, although you may in your heads hear me screaming like a banshee for the loss I am facing and I now know what it is like to lose a child which is something I never want to have to face again.
Failed Matches - December 2012, May 2013, December 2013
Moved on to gestational surrogacy with a family friend who is our angel and due 7/23/15
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Betrayed and Greiving - Long
TTC since March 2010, BFP #1 11.09.10, ectopic, m/c 12.14.10 (10w)
Clomid + TI=BFN, IUIs 1-6= BFN
Application for domestic adoption submitted 4/18/12, matched 8/12/12, DD born 10/31/12
Mother of two wonderful boys! Blessed through adoption.
TTC # 1 Since October 2010 (Not preventing since 2009)
November 2013: Applied & Accepted by the Agency
January 2014: Home Study, education class, Profiles
February 2014: "Officially Waiting"
I am so sorry that you went through/are going through all of that. I think your DH is right that there are no winners in this situation. It truely sucks that so many families have to go through so much grief and pain to try to have children. I have friends who experienced two failed adoptions after years of experiencing various infertility treatments. They decide to accept a life without their own children and have focused on being the best aunt and uncle they can be. My heart breaks every time I think of them because they would have been awesome parents.
After 8 years of miscarriages and infertility treatments, DH and I pursued embryo adoption. (We were also foster parents for 3 years.) It took three transfers (first transfer = miscarriage due to Turner Syndrome) get our take home baby.
TTC since June 2009
01/10- Femara
03/10- Femara
07/2010- Clomid with injectables and IUI #1
08/2010- IUI #2
06/2011- IVF #1 BFP!
09/2011- Miscarriage at 10 1/2 weeks
11/2011- FET
01/2012- Start Home Study process
03/2012- Home Study approved and now waiting on our child to find us!
07/2012- matched with a BM who is due in October!
11/10/12- our son is born!
11/13/12- court grants us custody!
12/28/12- finalization! Always ours in our hearts, but.now also ours forever
http://keepingupwiththejoneses-dana.blogspot.com/
DD2 | June 2011
DS1 | Oct 2013
ADD3 | Oct 2014 (April 2001)
DS2 | June 2016
DS3 | Dec 2018
Due with baby blob August 2021
Oh my gosh. I am so terribly sorry. There is really nothing I can say, but know that my heart breaks for you and the little girl in my head is shouting words that are not proper to say out loud because she is so angry that this would happen.
As someone who has gone through IVF and a miscarriage, my only advice is for you two to find a counselor or therapist if you don't already have one. Even if you only go once or twice, the counseling they can provide during this time of loss is amazingly helpful. I see one and she has been a godsend when I cannot talk to anyone else.
I'm praying for all of you.
How did you get over this? Not sure that you have but any advice at this time might help.
:::Our Adoption Journey:::
Evan James was born 1/24/13 and matched with us 2/20/13. The LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!
I threw myself into hobbies and went out with friends at first, and then we matched again just a few days after we put our profile back up. Hobbies and friends still help a lot. This time it's a bit different, I knew it was possible ahead of time, so I did start my grieving process before he was actually born.
Oh.. I'm so sorry it worked out this way. I can't imagine the depth of the hurt and crushed feeling you must be feeling. Writing that last check would be gut wrenching. I'd be so angry... and feel so used (remembering your previous posts). Prayers for you and your family for healing and much deserved blessings.
July - Nov 2011: Testing with OB... OB said everything looks good
March - Sept 2012: Moved to RE.. 4 treatment cycles - responses of one or no follicles
09.03.12: Diagnosed Poor Ovarian Response.. DE IVF only option
Feb - Nov 2012: Pursued Adoption. That door slammed shut.
12.23.12: Surprise BFP (first ever)... 12.25 - 12.31: Natural M/C
Oh honey I am so so so sorry (( Hugs )) I am in tears reading this, I know how much you went through and I'm just so sorry, I wish I could take the pain away. Prayers for you, your DH, and the family
Please take care of yourself and each other as much as you can, lean on friends and family, see a counselor, yell, scream, do anything that you need to do. I am so sorry.
Oh, I am so so sorry.... my heart is breaking for you IRR.
We lived through a similar situation and it is awful. My words of wisdom are to stay close w/your husband and anyone in the adoption world who has lived it. I found that other people, even best friends, couldn't conceive of the deep and profound pain. Do whatever makes you feel better....
If you are on FB, come join our Nesties group... we can give you more candid support over there since it's a private/closed group. Just page me if you are interested and we can connect.
Many prayers to soothe your broken heart. And prayers for the precious baby that needs love.
I am so very sorry that your adoption fell through. I used to be an adoption attorney in CA many years ago. I would like to share with you an experience I had. I used to finalize all the foster care adoptions for our county, along with handling agency, private and step-parent adoptions. I had finalized an adoption on a 12 year old foster child that I will refer to as Jane. Some years later Jane's adoptive mother called me and asked for my help. Jane had become pregnant and had been working with a Christian adoption agency. She had given birth a couple of weeks previously and had placed her child. She now felt she had made a mistake and wanted her baby back. The agency was dragging its feet although legally under CA law the child had to be returned immediately if the birth mother changed her mind prior to signing the consent. I felt terrible for the adopting couple but arranged for the baby to go back to Jane who was still living with her parents. The agency then gave the couple Jane's phone number (highly unprofessional) and the adopting father called her. He was trying to get her to change her mind and let them keep the baby that by now they truly loved. However, when Jane was unwilling to, the conversation deteriorated and ended up with him screaming at her and saying many hurtful things. A couple of weeks later Jane's mother called me and told me that Jane decided she just couldn't care for her baby and her baby would be better off adopted. They wanted my assistance. Of course I immediately thought of the couple that had previously been chosen by Jane. That is when I learned about the phone call. Because of this exchange, she chose strangers to take her baby. The reason I am telling this story is because someone mentioned to you, OP, that the parents could possibly change their minds and decide on placing their baby. This does happen on occasion and if a good relationship still exists after the failed adoption, you and your husband would be the likely choice. Again, I am so sad that this happened to you.
TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
SA February 2011: Normal
RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI
Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption
Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
Court trip October 2012
Home November 24 2012!
Back to RE Summer 2013. TTC journey continues:
Dx DOR, endometriosis, low sperm count
Clomid + IUI#1, #2 = BFN / IUI #3 = ???
Laparoscopy scheduled December 2013
She's Forever Ours! Finaliaztion-12.26.12
*lurker stopping in*
Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this terrible moment in your life. I've been following your story and this latest twist is heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you. I cried reading it. Maybe everything will work out in the long run like one of the pps said. Take the time to grieve and thrash around and just be angry and sad for as long as you need to be to come out on the other side stronger and ready for the next step on your journey again.
Me: 27 Dh: 35 Testing Begins 3/5/13
Six SA's show DH has low numbers across the board = severe MFI
Genetic testing for me = MTHFR+, also carrier for blood clotting disorder Otherwise all else normal
Dh's karotype= Normal!!
My heart breaks for you. I completely understand your anger. In April, we went through a similar situation. There was lots of reassurance too. In the end, soon before baby was to come home, the birth parents changed their minds. It was devastating. I won't say, all these months later, that I'm totally healed. In fact, I just started taking baby girl's nursery down because we are moving. I will say that time does sooth the wounds. I also try to focus on God's bigger plan. I thought baby girl was His plan and was pretty darn pissed when it played out the way it did. Over time, I've become more excited to see what's in store for us.
Cry, be mad, lean on your husband. I'm so sorry you've gone through this. Know there are those of us out there that know how you feel and are praying for you!