Anti-adoption comments — The Bump
Adoption

Anti-adoption comments

As my blog grows I have become more and more aware of the anti-adoption crowd (mostly anti-international adoption) and all their "ideals."  I just have to vent b/c it amazes me how close-minded they are. They live in a dream world where 1) a child's ability to grow up in their birth culture outweighs all the negatives of being an orphan and 2) Americans are able and called to adopt only American children.

Drives me crazy sometimes. My son's heritage is something I cherish and we are committed to honoring it in the ways we can, but the reality is that the biggest part of his culture he would have grown up experiencing are the worst parts of his culture. Is it not more important for a child to have love and a family than to speak a certain language or celebrate certain festivals etc? Those things are so empty without the love of a family.

 And then I often get the comment, "There are so many American children who need a home." 1) I am not American so adopting an American child would technically be an international adoption for me. 2) Maybe this is because I'm not American but I do not think an American child is more or less deserving of a family than any other child. Every child needs a home and there are so many factors (cost, wait, travel, etc) that go into the decision to adoption domestically or internationally. 

And finally, I get comments about forced adoption and human trafficking. This is a legitimate concern however anti-adoption advocates write off all international adoption because of these concerns.  That is not right and it is actually a slippery slope argument which is a logical fallacy. There is a way to adopt children who really are available for adoption and need a loving home. 

 Arrrrrrghhhh I get so tired of all the negativity and ignorance.

 Thanks for letting me vent. 

TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
SA February 2011: Normal
RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI

Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption

Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
Court trip October 2012
Home November 24 2012!

Back to RE Summer 2013. TTC journey continues: 

Dx DOR, endometriosis, low sperm count 
Clomid + IUI#1, #2 = BFN / IUI #3 = ???

Laparoscopy scheduled December 2013

Adding a Burden

Re: Anti-adoption comments

  • Vent away. That's what we're here for :)

    The thing that bothers me most is that a lot of the commenters are ignorant of a lot of aspects of adoption, and/or overgeneralize. Which can leave me fuming.

    I'm sorry you're dealing with that.

  • I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. I have gotten a lot of comments as well, especially as a single adoptive parent. Vent away, we all understand!

    As far as the concern over human trafficing, I agree it is a legitimate concern. However, it can be taken way too far. I have a very good friend that has been trying to adopt their daughter in a foreign country for 5 years. Their daughter has been with them since she was a few months old, they named her (on her birth certificate!), have the biological father's permission (biological mother is deceased), the village's permission and still have been unable to legally adopt. They are constantly afraid that they will be kicked out of the country and will have to leave her behind. The reasoning...becuase the laws have changed since they first welcomed her into their home. Because of chld trafficing, now the child MUST have been in an orphanage for at least 6 months prior to placement for adoption. Since she was placed by the biological family into their home directly, she does not qualify. Even though the adption process was started when they first welcomed her, the current regulations hold. They have been jumping through legal hoops for years. I wish there was a way to make it ONLY about the child's best interest and not all of the other stuff.

    Mother of two wonderful boys! Blessed through adoption.

  • Loading the player...
  • **Reply from a blog/GP stalker**

    I am so sorry that people are being so inconsiderate. It's inconceivable to me that people are so judgemental of the incredibly tough choices that go into forming a family. FWIW, I have loved reading your story and am so delighted that you have your son in your arms and in your home. Your faith is inspiring, and your son is incredibly blessed through you and your husband.

    image

    Anniversary

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers

    TTC/BFP/FF details in bio

  • Simple fact is you cannot fix stupid.

    It is also easy for these people sitting behind a computer screen to spew hate. Do not let them bother you. Give your focus and attention to ones that matter and you respect. Do not feed the trolls. Wink

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • That is really annoying, I feel like as I have read about each type of adoption I have also found comments from "haters" for every type of adoption.  I don't know exactly what they want to happen - just leave all of the kids where they are and let them grow up in foster care or orphanages?  I don't see how that is preferable to adoption by people that truly love and care for these kids. 


    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Pregnancy Ticker}



     image

     

  • imageFoster1Mom:
    Simple fact is you cannot fix stupid. It is also easy for these people sitting behind a computer screen to spew hate. Do not let them bother you. Give your focus and attention to ones that matter and you respect. Do not feed the trolls.nbsp;[;]

    Love this, and totally agree. I'm sorry you are getting negative comments. There is so much positivity in adoption and in your story that, while everyone's entitled to their own opinion, only looking at it from a negative lense only shows their ignorance more.

    TTC since March 2010, BFP #1 11.09.10, ectopic, m/c 12.14.10 (10w)
    Clomid + TI=BFN, IUIs 1-6= BFN
    Application for domestic adoption submitted 4/18/12, matched 8/12/12, DD born 10/31/12


     

  • The anti-adoption crowd is tough.    

    For the "plenty of American children" argument, I truly believe that an American orphan is still better off than an orphan in a third world country or a country without our resources.  If you've never traveled and seen real poverty, it may be hard to imagine... but poor by American standards is very different from situations abroad.  We see that children in the system (aka orphans) get basic needs met.  Would they do better if they were adopted?? Absolutely.  Do I hope that all kids in the foster care system get adopted. Absolutely.   

    Apples and oranges.  You should not compare the Foster Care system in the US to adopting abroad.   Both are worthy programs but very different.  

    From a personal perspective, the anti-adoption crowd did have a small win with us.  They created such doubt that I slowed our process of adopting from Ethiopia and reconsidered our plan.  I have no regrets... and I do think for our family we need to finish what we started w/a DIA agency but I also have to acknowledge all the hatred and bitterness as well as scare tactics made me slow down long enough to re-examine our path which ended up shifting.

     Lastly, I think of the IA crowd as being on a pendulum.  There's a big orphan movement that is great... but there are plenty of examples of well-intentioned families jumping in w/o research and understanding of what IA can look like... both good and bad.  The anti-IA crowd is shouting from the other side of the pendulum.   And then there are the people in the middle that really understand the need, do the homework, and truly bless orphans in need.  

    image Best friends and sisters... 24 months and 16 months
  • Sometimes I really hate how people can say that.  I see picutres of you and your son and I just KNOW that you guys were meant for each other. 

    Funny when I was doing fertility treatments I got told "There are so many orphans over seas, why would you want to add to the world's population on your own?"--says the people who wound up with 3 kids all on accident.  I don't see them applying for adoption.

    TTC since June 2009 DX: PCOS October 2010
    6 medicated cycles, 2 pregnancies, 1 ectopic April 2011, Early Miscarriage August 2011
    7 more cycles, 1 IUI, No success after last pregnancy
    7/1/2012 No more fertility coverage
    8/17/2012 started pursuing domestic infant adoption!
    11/26/2012 HOME STUDY APPROVED!!!
    Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers
    When relaxing didn't work is my new blog!
  • Jillian, I've literally said everything you wrote in your post at least a hundred times.  I agree with each and every one of your points, and have explained the below to people who just don't understand why there might be a greater need outside the US.

    [quote user="silliestbunny"]

    For the "plenty of American children" argument, I truly believe that an American orphan is still better off than an orphan in a third world country or a country without our resources.  If you've never traveled and seen real poverty, it may be hard to imagine... but poor by American standards is very different from situations abroad.  We see that children in the system (aka orphans) get basic needs met.  Would they do better if they were adopted?? Absolutely.  Do I hope that all kids in the foster care system get adopted. Absolutely.   

    [/quote]

    But, to be honest, I have learned to only engage in these conversations with very close family/friends or people who I know have knowledge of or are seriously considering adoption.  The fact is, without understanding all the many things that go into adoption and affect adoptive families, I don't believe that anyone can have a valid opinion on which type, if any, is best for a family or country.

    I have, in fact, just turned it around on the true haters by asking them how many American children they've adopted from foster care.  That usually leads to all their excuses as to why it's just not a good fit for their family, and I point out it's not a good fit for ours, either.  But my husband has even taken it a step further.  Many of these haters will say something like, "Well, I thought about it, but..." or "I think I might in the future," to which he's replied, "Well, we thought about it and did it!"

    The people who make me the angriest are the ones who are against all international adoption, UNICEF included.   I don't care who they are or what they think they know about a child feeling displaced and socially/culturally unconnected, but there is no way that a child is better off with nothing, forced into the lowest caste of society without family or friends and with few or no marketable skills, than being given love, support, and educational and occupational opportunities, even if it comes at a cost of diminished sense of their greater/ancestral self.


  • I also find it unbelievable when people act like IA is never in the best interests of the child. One which planet do they live? Because, on Earth, the suicide rates of orphans aging out of the Russian system alone should shut them right up. Not to mention those who go into prostitution and lives of crime to get by. Let's get real. 

    I will never understand people. But I feel very secure in our decision to adopt, and I'd love for anyone to come and tell me my child would be better off staying in Uganda without a family for protection, love, and support, or Arie staying in Russia. Give me a break.

     So far I haven't had anyone ask me why we aren't adopting an American child in any way but curious, so my reply is usually something like, "we don't think it would be wise to adopt a child older than E, and toddlers usually get adopted in the States without much difficulty." If someone were to accuse me, I'm pretty sure I'd just ask them where they are in the process of becoming foster parents. There's little more grating to me than those who throw stones from their glass houses.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers
    Application approved Dec '11
    Mar '12: Homestudy interrupted by change in Uganda requirements - where do we go from here?
    After searching and searching, back with Uganda but with our homestudy agency's program.
    Homestudy complete July 19
    USCIS I-600A submitted July 20. Biometrics appointments arrived Aug 17; fingerprinted Aug 21; 171H received Sept 25th. On the wait list Oct 1st: #18. By Jan 25th, we're #13!
    Come home, baby A!
  • I get sick of anti-adoption comments too, on the other side of things, like people saying I don't love my boys because I'm considering placing them, or saying that all adoptive parents are just baby hungry and will shut me out as soon as I sign the papers. 

    Just try not to let the comments get you down, and do your best as a parent. That's all you can do... I'd say try to educate them if you can, but a lot of people are set in their ways...

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • imageFoster1Mom:
    Simple fact is you cannot fix stupid. It is also easy for these people sitting behind a computer screen to spew hate. Do not let them bother you. Give your focus and attention to ones that matter and you respect. Do not feed the trolls.nbsp;[;]


    This exactly. Intolerance is ignorance.
    TTC since 12/09! 12/11 - Moving onto our adoption journey...03/27 - Home Study Approved and WAITING!
  • Sorry you are getting mean comments.  Personally I haven't heard any negative comments about adoption except about the whole, "wouldn't you rather have your own".  My family and the few friends that know are super excited for us and when I do tell some people I am adopting their first questions is usually from what country.  Some are surprised when I say IL.  Are these anti-adoption folks the same as the anti-gay folks and the I am super ignorant folks?  Sometime people really should follow the rule if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it all all.  Hope Arie is adjusting well to his new home and surroundings.
    image

    Failed Matches - December 2012, May 2013, December 2013
    Moved on to  gestational surrogacy with a family friend who is our angel and due 7/23/15


  • The user and all related content has been deleted.

  • I understand completely. I've gotten such comments even a few from people on this board but as a whole most people are supportive. The negative comments are infuriating!
    image
    Little Slick
    Born 6.26.10
    Forever a Family 11.26.12
  •  Agree completely. Orphanage culture does NOT = Russian (Ethiopian/Guatemalan/Serbian/etc) Culture, and to suggest that it does is pretty offensive to those cultures, in my opinion. There is no comparison. At 5, my son had approximately 10 words in his native language because of the level of care in his orphanage, so it's safe to say there wasn't much done to promote his birth culture.

    I am also strongly against trafficking, kidnapping, and pro-adoption from foster care. I don't understand why people can't understand that that does not mean that I have to be against international adoption. 

  • So sorry you are having to put up with all of this Jillian. Especially, since you just brought your little guy home, and should be hearing nothing but "Congratulations!" from everyone. I don't understand the anti-adoption crowd either, and I was pretty ignorant of the fact that there were people out there that thought that adoption of any kind was anything less than great, until fairly recently. 


    [url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt12a20b.aspx[/img][/url]

    <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lauf.lilypie.com/IIbym5.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers" /></a>
  • For what it's worth, I honestly think it's simply a lack of education. I see both perspectives here, I really do... but one of the closest people in my life whom I love dearly had some very different ideas on adoption. He didn't know I was adopted when he made the comments, but I know him and his heart and in all honesty, he is just not a jerk.

    Lack of experience in an area that is so close to you and that you're passionate about is bound to hit nerves. I understand that. I respect that. Yet at the same time, I think it's important to remember that (most) people don't say this stuff to be hurtful. Try not to let it anger you and just educate them as best you can. Some won't be receptive and their ignorance will remain, however, just remember, it truly isn't about you. It's about them. Plain and simple. 

  • I am sorry you have to deal with that...every orphan needs a home regardless of what country they are from!
  • Thanks all; I always feel better hearing your perspectives! 

    imageMsBlake:

    For what it's worth, I honestly think it's simply a lack of education. I see both perspectives here, I really do... but one of the closest people in my life whom I love dearly had some very different ideas on adoption. He didn't know I was adopted when he made the comments, but I know him and his heart and in all honesty, he is just not a jerk.

    Lack of experience in an area that is so close to you and that you're passionate about is bound to hit nerves. I understand that. I respect that. Yet at the same time, I think it's important to remember that (most) people don't say this stuff to be hurtful. Try not to let it anger you and just educate them as best you can. Some won't be receptive and their ignorance will remain, however, just remember, it truly isn't about you. It's about them. Plain and simple. 

    I'm aware of that but these comments are meant to be hurtful.  I wouldn't be venting about some well-meaning comments. And I think it is wrong to say I shouldn't be angry; this is not a subject we should be apathetic about, you know? I agree that it is about them.  Thanks for your reply.

    TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
    SA February 2011: Normal
    RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI

    Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption

    Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
    Court trip October 2012
    Home November 24 2012!

    Back to RE Summer 2013. TTC journey continues: 

    Dx DOR, endometriosis, low sperm count 
    Clomid + IUI#1, #2 = BFN / IUI #3 = ???

    Laparoscopy scheduled December 2013

    Adding a Burden
  • I've heard ridiculous anti-IA comments already, and we haven't even submitted our application for IA.  

    My preferred response to the "But there are plenty of American children out there who need homes!" is "Oh, yeah?  How many have you provided homes for?"  Not because I think every personal has an obligation to adopt; just because it's a ridiculous statement for them to make.  

    I totally agree with PP's comment about the situations of orphans in other countries versus foster care in the U.S.  We're leaning toward Bulgaria for our adoption (likely special needs), and watching the "Bulgaria's Abandoned Children" documentary makes it quite obvious that there is no comparison.

    Married to my best friend 6/5/10
    BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
    BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
    BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards