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Parenting
WWYD??
Ok Parenting, WWYD?
This involves a ton of backstory but I will try and make it short,
DH had a daughter when he was 19 years old who I will call "B" he signed his parental rights over after BM told him he could see B whenever he wanted if he signed the papers
DH signs papers and BM changes all her contact information and doesn't allow DH to see B, she also marries someone else and her new DH adopts B
DH and I are allowed to meet B when she is six years old, at the time she was told that DH "shared blood" with her, although she was always told that she was adopted by BM's husband
DH and I are allowed to send her presents/cards on special occasions/holidays/birthdays, and also allowed to meet with her once a year unless she asks to see us more.
Last year we asked if we could meet with them to open presents for christmas, they left it up to B, and asked her what she wanted to do, and she said she wanted to meet with us. (This would be second meeting with her)
Six months later LO was born and we meet with B again so she can meet LO, even though her BM and adoptive father will not tell her that LO is her half-sister
Meeting went great, but adoptive father was not there because he had to work, B even asked us multiple times when she could see us again, which she has never done, we told her it was up to her parents,
After meeting, BM and adoptive father cut off all correspondance with us, we assume it made adoptive father mad that B asked to see us (he struggles with DH becoming a part of B's life, and feels that DH will replace him)
As of last week we still had not heard from them, and finally BM texted me saying that DH had left her and her life was in huge turmoil, she told me she would get back to me in a month.
Ok, here's the WWYD part, we are trying really hard to respect her boundaries and give her, her space, but we also do not want B to think that we forgot about her for Christmas, but we are unsure if we should text BM to ask if we can send anything to B.
BM told us she is moving into a new place, but her DH has left her before and they always get back together, so we are unsure if they are even still apart. WWYD? Try to contact them to ask if we can send presents? Or just give them space at risk of letting B think we forgot her.
The last thing we want B to do is think that DH "forgot her" because he signed over his rights to her when she was a baby, so we desperately always want her to know that she was never forgotten and we always wanted her in our life.
Also, we do keep a journal for her already,
Any advice is appreciated!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: WWYD??
Oh sorry you are right, I guess that is just the easiest acronym and she is adopted by her father, so I just got used to using BM so there was no confusion on who she was adopted by.
This is what I'm thinking, I'm just a little scared to contact her because she told me that she "cannot handle one more thing on her plate right now" and to ler her contact me after she got settled.
The problem is she isn't very good at following through on what she says she is going to do, and then we are screwed, I'm afraid if I try and contact her again though, that she will completely cut off corespondance again.
And DH has tried contacting B's adoptive father multiple times with no luck.
They suck.
I did awhile back, but at the time we just hadn't heard anything from B's Mom or adoptive father,
but now her mom has finally gotten back to us, but told us not to contact her, and that she will contact us, the problem is she may not contact us till after christmas and by then it will be too late to send B anything,
So we are unsure if we should try and reach out to her at risk of being cut off again, or just sit and wait..
Is there another relative who could help you like a grandmother or aunt just in case you don't hear from the mom ?
Before our last meeting with B, her Mom told me that B loves to collect box tops, and told us that if we had any, we could send them to B if we wanted.
I had an entire bag full, and after the meeting I texted B's Mom to ask if it was still Ok if I sent them, she never responded to me.
Since I had already had prior permission, I went ahead and sent them, about a week later I texted her to ask if B had received them, and she still didn't text back.
She cut off ALL communication with us, and we have no idea why. The meeting went really well and we all left on a happy note, and then next thing we know they won't talk to us. I'm scared to text her that, and then have her cut off communication with us again.
Ugh..it's all a big mind game with them, it sucks being caught in the middle of it. I think I will wait like two more weeks and if I still haven't heard anything I will send her a text like you said.
She does know that DH is her BF, they finally told her that about a year ago, and we are afraid that she will feel forgotten because for the past two years we have sent a gift for every holiday, birthday, special occasion, etc.. and last Christmas we even met with them and she got to open our presents with us, so I think she would know this Christmas if she got nothing.
DH lives with the knowledge everyday that he will have to explain to B that he signed away his parental rights. The day after he did it, he went back to the courthouse to revoke his decision, and that is when B's mom met him and told him that if he just signed the papers, she would let him see B whenever he wanted, and he was foolish enough to believer her.
We understand that, that reason may not fly with B, but we hope that if she can see that DH came back into her life when she was six, and was a steady part of her life there-on after, that she will see how improtant she is to him. Which is why it is so hard when her Mom and adoptive father cut us out of her life, because we are left with no where to turn.
I know
She has been in five houses in the past two years, her adoptive father has left her mom twice in the past two years, she was first told that DH "shared blood' with her, and then later told that he was her biological father, and now she has a half-sister that she has met, but her parents won't tell her that it is her half-sister.
Basically, DH and I just have to follow along with whatever they say, and they pull us into her life, and then yank us back out, however they please.
No, unfortunately not, all of the extended family thinks that DH should not be allowed to be a part of B's life until she is 18.
I kind of agree, but I would still maybe ask about sending a package. Just ensure the mother you understand her position but want to give the daughter a gift. She can say nothing or say no, so you will have to then follow her wishes.
She does want DH involved, it is her husband that doesn't. Even though he was the one that initiated contact with DH and told him that he could meet with B if he wanted. B's adoptive father is very insecure and is scared that if DH becomes a big part of B's life, then B will love DH more than she loves her adoptive father.
DH has always told me that he didn't really have any support from either of his parents, he was in the military, and young (19) and just wasn't sure what to do. He signed over his rights, changed his mind the next day and went to the courthouse to get them back, and B's mom told him to just let it be.
I'm not sure why at the time that B's Mom didn't want DH to have parental rights, I assume it was because she was scared of having to share B with someone else, but I cannot be sure, I wasn't around then.
I understand it is a terrible situation. I suppose the best you can do stay on the mom's good side, maybe even offer to help with B's expenses if her dad doesn't want to help with child support.
If she refuses any visitation then perhaps send birthday gifts, cards etc through certified mail and maybe one day when B is older she can see the evidence that you guys did everything you could to stay in contact.
DH used to be the one always contacting B's mom, but it made her husband mad/jealous. DH then tried to just contact B's adoptive father, but he would rarely respond.
B's Mom and I had developed (what I thought) was a pretty good relathionship over the past two years, so genenerally we were the ones corresponding amongst one another, it just seemed to work best that way. But DH is very involved, he just doesn't know what to do either, it's always head games with B's Mom and adoptive father.
That is what we do right now, we also get all of our text messages printed out, and keep those well, and also our facebook messages, we try and keep any and all contact so that we can show B that we tried everything we could.
It just sucks because although I assume she will want a relationship with us once she is older (or at least I hope) it's not the same as having a relationship with her as a child.
But I guess that is the cards we are dealt.
This is what we try and do, unfortunately the more that we get on the mom's side, the more we piss off her husband, and he is the one who calls all the shots. And although she did say he left her, he has done this before, and they always end up back together, but who knows, maybe this time will be different.
Oh no, we aren't.
One thing B's adoptive father told us, was that he was scared that DH would come into B's life and then flake out again, which would really hurt B because she is old enough now to realize what is going on.
He also told us that he was sure that after we had LO we would loose interest in B, and although that would never happen, we made a conscious effort to always check in with them, just as we did before LO was born, the only difference is, they quit texting us back..
and B's mom told us two weeks ago that her husband was out of the picture, but we have no clue if that has changed or not, as far as we know they could be back together.
I don't mean to come off that way, we understand that we have no legal rights.
But for the past two years we have done everything in our power to respect all of B's parents wishes, and they have always told us, "you can see B as soon as she asks! We will never keep her from you, if she wants a relationship with you"
And then as soon as she asked, they completely shut us out, and wouldn't return any of our phone calls/texts/emails, and by no means were we bombarding them with any, we would send a text about once a week, and we sent two emails in the span of two months time.
It just sucks because when B was born, her mom told DH that he could see B whenever he wanted if he signed over his rights, and he was stupid, and he did, and then he was never allowed to see her, and her mom changed all her contact information.
Then they allowed DH back into her life, and are now yanking him back out of it.
I'm trying to remember myself at 19, and the guys I knew, but I just can't get past that he didn't realize that he signed his rights away. You keep saying it's because he was told he could see her all the time, but if he kept his rights, he could see her too. Because, you know, he had rights.
So why did he sign? He wanted to see her, so what made him sign? All I can think is that he wanted to get out of child support. It seems like you're blaming B's mom because she told your H he could see her all the time, but he still signed. He would have been able to see her all the time with rights.
I'm just confused what signing away the rights was supposed to accomplish in his mind.
I guess I should say that I know we (or DH) isn't the victim, B is, we are upset that they would put us into her life, and then take us back out again, I can't imagine how confusing and upsetting that would be.
That's why we are so unsure what to do right now, whether we should respect B's Mom's wishes, at risk of upsetting B.
Or try and contact B's Mom to ask about Christmas, so as to show B that she wasn't "forgotten" and her BF did not come into her life and then dissapear. We are only trying to do what we think is best for B.
It just sucks that she finally asked to see DH, and then he isn't around for months, and he doesn't send anything for Christmas. It sucks, because we don't want her to think that she asked to see him, and then he flaked out on her.
I hope that is explained a little better.
I honestly can't answer that, because I often wonder the same thing. Whenever I ask him, all he can do is shake his head, and say, "Because I was fucvking stupid" It's a decision that haunts him daily, and it's the only thing I haver ever seen him cry over.
He's going to have to come up with something better for B. Being honest about WHY he was being stupid-- what he was thinking. How he realized he was wrong. What he realizes he missed. How he knows he hurt HER. What he's going to do to make it up to her.
I'm not sure, I can't answer that, it's something I often wonder myself, I know that DH was in a very different place then, than he is now. He was into drugs and wasn't going to school, and just didn't have his life together, and also didn't have a very good home life either.
Today he is a completely different person, he has a masters degree, a great job, he's in the military, etc etc...
But we have tried to put the past behind us. We have tried to come to grips with the fact that he made a very stupid decision and all we can do from this point on is move forward.
It just doesn't seem fair that they would put DH back into B's life, and then remove him, especially after she asked to see him. If B didn't want to see DH, or didn't want him in her life, that would be one thing, but I don't think that is the case.
I think that is all stuff he keeps in his journal to her.
Yeah, I've been wondering if laws have changed. I think I remember a post from a single mom saying that her ex was trying to sign over his rights to avoid child support, and other posters telling her not to stress, it doesn't work that way.
I actually am unsure of what the legal aspect of it is here, but I know that DH had zero say in whether B could get adopted or not. Once he signed over his rights that was it. And I am also unsure how long it was before B got adopted, although I do know that her mom and adoptive father got together when B's Mom was still pregnant with her, so her adoptive father had been in the picture from the get-go. And I think they got married not too longnafter B was born. But I'm unsure of the exact dates/times things happened.
That's kind of what we will have to do too when it comes time for DH to legally adopt Rosie. However, the "easy" way is to have the other party sign over their rights. Which essentially means that the other party can no longer have any legal or financial responsibility for the child. Then when the custodial parent gets married or whatever then her husband can file to legally adopt. There is still legal stuff and home studies I do believe. However, it's fairly straight across with the paperwork since one set is already removed.
However, the OP is kind of screwed. The mom could get up, pack up their things, and move out of the country and they will never know. She doesn't have to tell them if they moved or anything. It's kind of crappy for her to pull that whole bit to get the rights signed over. However, since you can't do anythinglegally you kind of have to leave it up to the mom. She has ultimate control with this situation.
One one hand, I think it's good that the courts make it an involved process to protect children from situation's like the OP's. On the other hand, I still don't understand how an adult does not fully comprehend what signing over rights means. It shouldn't take more than a minute to understand that you will have no access or legal rights to the child ever agin.
See here, you can't do that period. There is no signing over of rights unless adoption has been filed with a married couple. I was just curious as to how quick it happens in places where you are allowed to sign over rights.
I know, believe me, I ask myself this a lot, but there's nothing we can do about it now, and re-hashing why he signed over his rights doesn't bring them back. DH has had to deal with the consequences to his actions for the past eight years.
I was just curious about the time frame. Do you know how old B was when he signed his rights over?
B's Mom is kind of on "our side" if you want to call it that. She does want B to have a relationship with DH, and she also wants B to have a relationship with LO. B's adoptive father is the one who struggles with everything, and tells B's Mom not to contact us, (at least this is what B's mom has told us)
B's mom says that they argue about literally every aspect of DH's involvement in B's life.
I honestly feel bad for B's Mom, she is stuck between doing what she thinks is best for B, and repsecting her husbands wishes about what HE thinks is best for B. It's just a tough situation for all involved.