Come vent with me - worst thing ever said to you while TTC/TTCAL

buggirl72 · October 2012

Unfortunately, I know the world is full of idiot people who seem to find us and say really, stupid, hurtful, ignorant, (insert whatever adjective your want) things to us. Some times it's friends, family, co-workers, or a stranger at a grocery store. Whatever it is, it hurt and needs to be vented about.

Share the worst thing ever said to you during your journey.

GavinRonansMom · October 2012

In the 4 weeks since the loss of Noah I have heard a lot...

-God has a plan

-Everything happens for a reason

-you have to be emotionally ready before TTC again....(like I am ever going to be over losing Noah)

-At least you have Gavin (our living son)

blah I hate that we have been through this horrible loss and we still have to be the "bigger" people and forgive peoples stupidity...jerks

buggirl72 · October 2012

Here is mine:

Six years ago, my then H (who went through 4+ years of TTC) told me that he "knew this was wrong, but hated me because I was broken." (this is a big reason why he is now the ex-H).

I have never told anyone this. I will admit that after I got my BFP, I thought about this (HA! look who is not broken!) and then laying in the hospital after my placental abruption I again thought about it. Since I have now vented it to the world, I hereby proclaim that that great assholian statement has zero power over me.

Thank you

Edit - remove bad link for gif. Grrr my inability to put a picture in my post

jenn0021 · October 2012

Here is what I've got:

SIL (who was 6 months pg at the time): "I am so sick of this baby kicking me, it's driving me nuts, etc, etc." She said this to me the day after my D&C while I was home recovering. She stopped in for a visit and then complained about her pregnancy the whole time.

SIL (with her brand new baby): "I can't wait until spring when I can go outside with DS."
Me: "Ya, that's why I've always wanted a Spring baby."
SIL: "Well, you're not doing a very good job of that, are you?"
(this was right after my second m/c, and she knew full well my first EDD was March)

Boss: "Oh, you wouldn't understand because you're not a mother."

Friend: "So, are you over it now? You know, emotionally?"
(and she has 4 kids, never had a loss)

ETA: To add another one.

Bayberry12 · October 2012

Oh where to even start...

The one thing that always stands out in my mind is something a friend said after I lost my daughter; "Just imagine how hard it is for parents to lose a child later on"

No, I can't imagine that because I would have given anything to have my daughter open her eyes for an hour, or a day, or even a year.

densquared · October 2012

This was actually from my loss many years ago (16-ish). I was not trying to get KU, so that's where the smoking part comes in....

This evil b!tch doctor tells me (after saying she's not sure I have a viable pregnancy-just like that too, no sorry or anything). "you smoke, you're overweight and you bite your nails. If I were in psychiatry, I might say you have an oral fixation"

FU lady!!!! Needless to say, after my D&C, I never saw that doctor again.

TLR813 · October 2012

After our 2nd loss, different coworkers have told me "maybe it's because you exercise too much" (which I don't btw) and "maybe you were on the pill for too long".

#1 - You're not doctors, and neither of you have suffered a loss, so I really don't want your medical advice for why you think this happened to me.

#2 - Thank you for assuming this was something I did. That it's my fault we lost our babies.

Throat punches for both!

buggirl72 · October 2012

GavinRonansMom:
In the 4 weeks since the loss of Noah I have heard a lot...
-God has a plan
-Everything happens for a reason
-you have to be emotionally ready before TTC again....(like I am ever going to be over losing Noah)
-At least you have Gavin (our living son)
blah I hate that we have been through this horrible loss and we still have to be the "bigger" people and forgive peoples stupidity...jerks

Well meaning people are almost the worst - because you do feel like you have to be the "bigger" person and you do not want to upset them. (((hugs)))

densquared · October 2012

GavinRonansMom:
-At least you have Gavin (our living son)

I hate this one!!!! We are actually going to a funeral today, I would never walk up to one of this man's children and tell them "at least you've got your mom". WTF people?!? Think before you open that big ol' mouth!

TLR813 · October 2012

jenn0021:
Here is what I've got:

SIL (who was 6 months pg at the time): "I am so sick of this baby kicking me, it's driving me nuts, etc, etc." She said this to me the day after my D&C while I was home recovering. She stopped in for a visit and then complained about her pregnancy the whole time.

SIL (with her brand new baby): "I can't wait until spring when I can go outside with DS."
Me: "Ya, that's why I've always wanted a Spring baby."
SIL: "Well, you're not doing a very good job of that, are you?"
(this was right after my second m/c, and she knew full well my first EDD was March)

Boss: "Oh, you wouldn't understand because you're not a mother."

Friend: "So, are you over it now? You know, emotionally?"
(and she has 4 kids, never had a loss)

ETA: To add another one.

WHAT?!?!?!?!

My jaw hit the floor after reading each one of those! How did you not punch these people???

GavinRonansMom · October 2012

Bayberry12:
Oh where to even start...
The one thing that always stands out in my mind is something a friend said after I lost my daughter; "Just imagine how hard it is for parents to lose a child later on"
No, I can't imagine that because I would have given anything to have my daughter open her eyes for an hour, or a day, or even a year.

oh I have gotten that one too...people are so stupid sometimes...who do they think they are helping??

densquared · October 2012

buggirl72:
Six years ago, my then H (who went through 4+ years of TTC) told me that he "knew this was wrong, but hated me because I was broken." (this is a big reason why he is now the ex-H).
Since I have now vented it to the world, I hereby proclaim that that great assholian statement has zero power over me.

I am calling your ex some highly imaginative swear words in my head right now! I am so glad you have said this out loud(ish) and taken away that awful statement's power.

Bayberry12 · October 2012

TLR813:
After our 2nd loss, different coworkers have told me "maybe it's because you exercise too much" (which I don't btw) and "maybe you were on the pill for too long".
#1 - Your not doctors, and neither of you have suffered a loss, so I really don't want your medical advice for why you think this happened to me.
#2 - Thank you for assuming this was something I did. That it's my fault we lost our babies.
Throat punches for both!

Oh all the medical advise, that is always so helpful. Almost as helpful as all the advise for "next time" like take it easy, or don't paint your nails or reach above your head and eat more vegetables.

jenn0021 · October 2012

TLR813:
jenn0021:

Here is what I've got:

SIL (who was 6 months pg at the time): "I am so sick of this baby kicking me, it's driving me nuts, etc, etc." She said this to me the day after my D&C while I was home recovering. She stopped in for a visit and then complained about her pregnancy the whole time.

SIL (with her brand new baby): "I can't wait until spring when I can go outside with DS."
Me: "Ya, that's why I've always wanted a Spring baby."
SIL: "Well, you're not doing a very good job of that, are you?"
(this was right after my second m/c, and she knew full well my first EDD was March)

Boss: "Oh, you wouldn't understand because you're not a mother."

Friend: "So, are you over it now? You know, emotionally?"
(and she has 4 kids, never had a loss)

ETA: To add another one.

WHAT?!?!?!?!

My jaw hit the floor after reading each one of those! How did you not punch these people???

I go with this quote when in these circumstances:

ETA: Forgot to add my text.

lalaps · October 2012

buggirl72:
Here is mine:Six years ago, my then H who went through 4 years of TTC told me that he "knew this was wrong, but hated me because I was broken." this is a big reason why he is now the exH.nbsp;I have never told anyone this. nbsp;I will admit that after I got my BFP, I thought about this HA! look who is not broken! and then laying in the hospital after my placental abruption I again thought about it. nbsp;Since I have now vented it to the world, I hereby proclaim that that great assholian statement has zero power over me.nbsp;Thank you nbsp;Edit remove bad link for gif. nbsp;Grrr my inability to put a picture in my post nbsp;

FLUCK that stupid excuse for a man. This makes me so flucking angry for you. I hope something of his ends up "broken.". What a tool. Ugh.
You are awesome, and I'm so happy you've released yourself from his bs.

LLPtobe · October 2012

Grrrrr, just reading these is infuriating me! I freaking hate insensetive people (or just people who don't know when to STFU).

I have been lucky to have been spared for the most part. Pretty much everyone we've told has been really supportive and hasn't said anything awful, but here are a couple things that I'm recalling:

My mom: "Oh honey, just remember sometimes our time isn't His time." ... Really Mom? Because I find it hard to believe that a loving and merciful God wanted this or planned this. But thanks.

Co-worker (who was TTC #2 at the time and since then has announced that his wife is pg): "Yeah, I never really thought about it. You go through all the same things, all the symptoms and everything, but then you don't get a baby after all of it." Hmm, yup, it sucks. Thank you for reminding me.

BootsOrHearts · October 2012

When I was in the hospital right after we found out Harrison's heart had stopped beating, FIL and MIL walk in to see us and first thing FIL says is 'Can you believe what that ***** Obama said about gays getting married. .. . . ' Knowing full well I am an Obama supporting and a gay rights supporter. I'm pretty sure if I wasn't on heavy duty pain meds I would have punched him.

buggirl72 · October 2012

TLR813:
jenn0021:
Here is what I've got:

SIL (who was 6 months pg at the time): "I am so sick of this baby kicking me, it's driving me nuts, etc, etc." She said this to me the day after my D&C while I was home recovering. She stopped in for a visit and then complained about her pregnancy the whole time.

SIL (with her brand new baby): "I can't wait until spring when I can go outside with DS."
Me: "Ya, that's why I've always wanted a Spring baby."
SIL: "Well, you're not doing a very good job of that, are you?"
(this was right after my second m/c, and she knew full well my first EDD was March)

Boss: "Oh, you wouldn't understand because you're not a mother."

Friend: "So, are you over it now? You know, emotionally?"
(and she has 4 kids, never had a loss)

ETA: To add another one.
WHAT?!?!?!?!
My jaw hit the floor after reading each one of those! How did you not punch these people???

Agree. I want to slap each one of them for you.

BootsOrHearts · October 2012

buggirl72:

Here is mine:

Six years ago, my then H (who went through 4+ years of TTC) told me that he "knew this was wrong, but hated me because I was broken." (this is a big reason why he is now the ex-H).

I have never told anyone this. I will admit that after I got my BFP, I thought about this (HA! look who is not broken!) and then laying in the hospital after my placental abruption I again thought about it. Since I have now vented it to the world, I hereby proclaim that that great assholian statement has zero power over me.

Thank you

Edit - remove bad link for gif. Grrr my inability to put a picture in my post

Well good riddance to him!

Bayberry12 · October 2012

BootsOrHearts:
buggirl72:

Here is mine:

Six years ago, my then H (who went through 4+ years of TTC) told me that he "knew this was wrong, but hated me because I was broken." (this is a big reason why he is now the ex-H).

I have never told anyone this. I will admit that after I got my BFP, I thought about this (HA! look who is not broken!) and then laying in the hospital after my placental abruption I again thought about it. Since I have now vented it to the world, I hereby proclaim that that great assholian statement has zero power over me.

Thank you

Edit - remove bad link for gif. Grrr my inability to put a picture in my post

Well good riddance to him!

This!! What a jerk!

GavinRonansMom · October 2012

This whole experience had really made me feel jaded...then angry that the carefree, happy pregnant person I was, I will never be again...

I feel like I have been robbed of the ability to have a nice carefree pregnancy again and the comments from idiots and well meaning people just make it worse....also the complaining about things that just don't seem important anymore, esp if it is pregnancy related...

i.e SIL said to me (who is due 10 days before I was due with Noah)- at least you don't have to deal with this (pointing at her acne on her face)...I'm like really???!!! I will get acne, gain 70lbs, go on bedrest, have triplets...anything just to be pregnant again and have a healthy take home baby...

jenn0021 · October 2012

ashleen223:
I had an 80 year old lady tell me that the reason I had an ectopic pregnancy was because I have large dogs and playing and pulling on them probably messed something up. Yeeeaaaah.

Indifferent Wow.

CMSullivan326 · October 2012

"Everything happens for a reason"

"Maybe it just wasn't meant to be"

"When it's time to happen it will"

But the three that get me the most are:
"At least you have Evan"

"Be glad it happened when it did and not after you went through labor and birth"

"God has a plan and you having them wasn't part of it"

Loveniz · October 2012

Mine is from a co-worker whom underwent a tubal ligation reversal a few months ago, so she could have one more biological child (already has 3) and didn't want to adopt. As I was leaving work she looked at me and said "Well don't be stealing my thunder by getting pregnant before me!"

When she said that to me I was already pregnant after over 7 months of TTC, but the next day we found out I was having a miscarriage. Those words still sting me to this day and I often replay them in the head. Also, after my second loss she was complaining how its been 6 months TTC already and feels like it is never going to happen.....wanted to tell her to shut up.

Loveniz · October 2012

buggirl72:

Here is mine:

Six years ago, my then H (who went through 4+ years of TTC) told me that he "knew this was wrong, but hated me because I was broken." (this is a big reason why he is now the ex-H).

I have never told anyone this. I will admit that after I got my BFP, I thought about this (HA! look who is not broken!) and then laying in the hospital after my placental abruption I again thought about it. Since I have now vented it to the world, I hereby proclaim that that great assholian statement has zero power over me.

Thank you

Edit - remove bad link for gif. Grrr my inability to put a picture in my post

Wow, that is so insensitive and wrong in so many ways. I'm sorry your had to deal with him.

CafeAutumnMama · October 2012

I can't pick just one! Here are some of the things that either irritated me, left me speechless, or really upset me. The only good thing is I now know what NOT to say to someone who goes through this.

"Maybe the baby would have been born horribly deformed or retarded or something. You just never know" My baby was perfect, don't EVER say she wasn't. All babies are perfect. I would love her and want her and embrace her no matter what deformities or differences she could have had. I can't even begin to touch on how upset I was with this comment.

"You guys are young. There will be plenty of time to have another one" I'm sure when I have another, it will totally replace all memory and feelings for my first and I'll look back on this time and be merry, thanks for pointing that out.

"At least you weren't further along; imagine how much harder it would be!" I would give ANYTHING to have had more time with my baby. I don't think I could have grieved much harder FYI unless I actually took that step and killed myself, because I was almost there, so I think I'm the one who can decide how hard it was.

"Years ago, you wouldn't have even known you were pregnant. It's only because of modern technology that you knew unfortunately" Riiiight, because I must have imagined missing my period, having major pregnancy symptoms, and multiple positive pregnancy tests(oh how modern!).

"You would be surprised by how many women go through this. One time I had a really straaaaange period and it was all messed up and heavy. I actually think I might have had one!" Ok, your weird period in no way compares to me losing my baby who I loved, named, knew about, wanted desperately, and lost. I didn't have a period, I had a baby and experienced lots of bleeding because of it. Thanks for trying to connect, but I lost my child, you just lost the lining of your uterus...

Hey praying for you guys! By the way I was wondering if you knew anyone who could nanny for my bff's baby who is due in march!" I told her I was the LAST person she should be asking and she apologized for upsetting me, but dag! How can you ask someone to find a babysitter for a baby that was due shortly before your own was supposed to be? I guess thinking about other people's babies can help me take my mind off my own, wouldn't want to be selfish!

Please excuse all my sarcasm. It's just so offensive sometimesand I can't wrap my head around other people's stupidity

CafeAutumnMama · October 2012

I've heard this a few times myself. I'm sorry, I know exactly what you mean. They have no clue...

TLR813 · October 2012

jenn0021:
TLR813:
jenn0021:

Here is what I've got:

SIL (who was 6 months pg at the time): "I am so sick of this baby kicking me, it's driving me nuts, etc, etc." She said this to me the day after my D&C while I was home recovering. She stopped in for a visit and then complained about her pregnancy the whole time.

SIL (with her brand new baby): "I can't wait until spring when I can go outside with DS."
Me: "Ya, that's why I've always wanted a Spring baby."
SIL: "Well, you're not doing a very good job of that, are you?"
(this was right after my second m/c, and she knew full well my first EDD was March)

Boss: "Oh, you wouldn't understand because you're not a mother."

Friend: "So, are you over it now? You know, emotionally?"
(and she has 4 kids, never had a loss)

ETA: To add another one.

WHAT?!?!?!?!

My jaw hit the floor after reading each one of those! How did you not punch these people???

I go with this quote when in these circumstances:

ETA: Forgot to add my text.

LOL! Love that!

KMW08 · October 2012

The most outrageous thing said happened a couple of weeks ago (not many people know about our losses so I haven't really had a whole lot said to me directly).

My BIL's ku whatever-she-is-DB(d-bag, dumb-b whatever acronym you want to use) is only 2wks ahead of where I would have been the 1st time. I know my BIL knows about our first loss, but I don't think he knows about the 2nd. So at MY bday bonfire/hayride (2mos post d&c) as we're (BIL, her & myself) cutting the cake she's all being whiny about things you're supposed to limit (sugar, caffeine, etc etc blah blah blah---apparently her concern for nicotine/tar isn't a factor here) but she has enough nerve to say to me while she's complaining about all of the above:

"Are you sure you want to do this?" <----about being pregnant.

She was lucky I didn't drown her in the pond, or stab her ,stupid plastic cake knife!

CafeAutumnMama · October 2012

CafeAutumnMama:
I've heard this a few times myself. I'm sorry, I know exactly what you mean. They have no clue...

I'm sorry, my iPad keeps thinking I hit reply, not quote, and I'm too dumb to double check before posting. This was meant to respond to bayberry

Mrs.E.07 · October 2012

I love my dad so much and I'm a total daddy's girl, but sometimes he just doesn't get it. Right after my mc, my dad said "well, you weren't *really* pregnant," since it was just an empty sac. And that that should make it easier. That still hurts.

TLR813 · October 2012

ashleen223:
I had an 80 year old lady tell me that the reason I had an ectopic pregnancy was because I have large dogs and playing and pulling on them probably messed something up. Yeeeaaaah.

Crazy old lady! Confused

martyn17 · October 2012

My father (who was mostly wonderful and comforting) weirdly implied the miscarriage was due to a half marathon I ran 6 months prior to my miscarriage.

EJPint · October 2012

I heard a number of things from well meaning people that I managed to brush off.

The one that sticks with me, when I was telling a friend about the things we've tried to get pg (I had TTTC before our loss), like charting, temping, supplements, and then prescriptions, she responded with, "You don't need all that, just have more sex!" Um, thanks?

It was just kind of a painful reminder that we can't seem to accomplish something that comes so easily for others.

khays8785 · October 2012

I hate reading some of the sh*t you ladies have had to hear... as if dealing with a loss alone isn't hard enough...

Here's mine:

"well, next spring is such a better time to have a baby than this fall anyways, you don't want to spend this summer all fat and pregnant..." from a pregnant friend, two weeks after my d&c

martyn17 · October 2012

buggirl72:
Here is mine:
Six years ago, my then H (who went through 4+ years of TTC) told me that he "knew this was wrong, but hated me because I was broken." (this is a big reason why he is now the ex-H).
I have never told anyone this. I will admit that after I got my BFP, I thought about this (HA! look who is not broken!) and then laying in the hospital after my placental abruption I again thought about it. Since I have now vented it to the world, I hereby proclaim that that great assholian statement has zero power over me.
Thank you
Edit - remove bad link for gif. Grrr my inability to put a picture in my post

Hugs. What an ***.

KMW08 · October 2012

Mrs.E.07:

I love my dad so much and I'm a total daddy's girl, but sometimes he just doesn't get it. Right after my mc, my dad said "well, you weren't *really* pregnant," since it was just an empty sac. And that that should make it easier. That still hurts.

Aww sorry that came from your dad! I think comments, even if misunderstood or not intended to be harmful, hurt the most when they are from people that you love.

The empty sac part needs to be compared to something people grasp a little better. Would you walk up to a breast cancer survivor and say 'because you still have your ta-ta's you must not have *really* had cancer?'

CafeAutumnMama · October 2012

ashleen223:
I had an 80 year old lady tell me that the reason I had an ectopic pregnancy was because I have large dogs and playing and pulling on them probably messed something up. Yeeeaaaah.

How kind of her to give you such insightful medical advice so that you can realize how this had to be your fault. Ugh! I don't care if she's old, she should be much wiser! Before my loss my MIL insisted that our cats would make my husband sterile somehow People....

KMW08 · October 2012

martyn17:
buggirl72:

Here is mine:

Six years ago, my then H (who went through 4+ years of TTC) told me that he "knew this was wrong, but hated me because I was broken." (this is a big reason why he is now the ex-H).

I have never told anyone this. I will admit that after I got my BFP, I thought about this (HA! look who is not broken!) and then laying in the hospital after my placental abruption I again thought about it. Since I have now vented it to the world, I hereby proclaim that that great assholian statement has zero power over me.

Thank you

Edit - remove bad link for gif. Grrr my inability to put a picture in my post

Hugs. What an ***.

Yes THIS.

If you ever see him again, it's really not worth your time and effort, but you could let him know that what he said WAS wrong & that you were broken because you chose him for x-amount of years and that you had a character judgement flaw because obviously your time spent with him was the biggest mistake!

funny bunny · October 2012

jenn0021:
SIL (with her brand new baby): "I can't wait until spring when I can go outside with DS."
Me: "Ya, that's why I've always wanted a Spring baby."
SIL: "Well, you're not doing a very good job of that, are you?"
(this was right after my second m/c, and she knew full well my first EDD was March)

Surprise