Coming out of lurkdom to ask if I'm the crazy one

cherie82 · October 2012

I'm going to try and keep this short. Dh went to a concert, the ticket had cost 170, fine whatever. I look on our account statement and it turns out he spent 250 the night of the concert. I mean, holy ***!

I asked him how he could spend that kind of money when he knows that we can't afford that. We are trying to save and have a ton of expenses coming up. He immediately got defensive and told me that he makes the money so he will spend it if he wants to. He has since apologized for this comment, but will not apologize for spending the money.

I have been fuming about this for two days. Last night he asks me how much longer I'm going to be mad for. I asked him if he really thinks that what he did was ok. He retorts, yes and you being pissed off about it doesn't matter

After that I started crying. He walked back in and said, Oh by the way I still have some of the money left and I'm keeping it. I asked him why he was being so hateful. He said I spend money that my dad gives me for my bday and Xmas. I told him that it isn't our money though. I would never spend that much of the money that he earns without discussing it with him first because I respect him. I don't feel like I get the same respect in return. Am I being crazy or is he in the wrong here?

Edited to add: we are also not done paying bills is this paycheck. He has left me with 500 to his next paycheck. Yes we could pull from savings but that defeats the purpose of trying to save money. I have to drop 1500 on our house in the next week.

Abinormal · October 2012

Is there any possibility that he spent the money on something for you and maybe he's trying to keep it a surprise?

littlemac1117 · October 2012

That sucks. Your H is being pretty childish, and I don't think you are wrong for being pissed about him spending that much money. My H makes more than I do, but that doesn't mean he is free to spend a bunch of our money whenever he wants. Do you work? I am just curious. Either way, you guys are married, you are a team, so your money belongs to both of you. (I do think that money that you receive as a gift is different, but I won't get into that.) I don't really have any advice for you since I don't know you or your H well enough to know what you should do, but I do agree that spending that much money is not cool in the first place, and then acting the way he is makes it worse. You are not crazy.

[Deleted User] · October 2012

No one in the history of ever likes being jumped on & reprimanded like a damn child. It sounds like both of you were wrong (and fairly immature). I think you also owe him an apology for being such a snatch about everything.

cherie82 · October 2012

No, he took one hundred out of an ATM. He spent a good chunk of it at a bar, bought something for ds and for me, and had to pay for food.
I don't have a problem with the food obviously. I think that getting a toy for ds that cost 30 bucks is excessive and the shirt was also 30 bucks. I would have never paid that much. I guess my real problem is that he didn't even give me a heads up about it. Like I said I would never do that to him. Also the fact that be is being so incredibly douchy about it.

cherie82 · October 2012

I am a SAHM

cherie82 · October 2012

I didn't jump on him or reprimand him. I simply asked him if he spent that much money, and informed him that we could not afford that. He does not handle the money, I do.

On a side note I don't appreciate being name called.

Wufroggy79 · October 2012

With the cost of drinks at a concert event, I would not bat an eye at spending an additional 90 dollars, especially if he bought a round for friends, etc. Unless he routinely spends money on entertainment like this, I would chalk up a concert event into a one time fun weekend here and there. As others have said no one wants to be bossed around. I'm sure you've never spent $250 on something your H would find equally as worthless??

Manateearmz · October 2012

He said something he shouldn't have, and apologized for it.

Why are you still mad about it? It was a mistake on his part, but nothing he can say can change how the money was spent. Maybe you both need to sit down and redo the budget, and move on.

cherie82 · October 2012

Wufroggy79:
With the cost of drinks at a concert event, I would not bat an eye at spending an additional 90 dollars, especially if he bought a round for friends, etc. nbsp;Unless he routinely spends money on entertainment like this, I would chalk up a concert event into a one time fun weekend here and there. nbsp;As others have said no one wants to be bossed around. nbsp;I'm sure you've never spent 250 on something your H would find equally as worthless??

I have never spent any of our money on anything over 50 bucks excluding groceries without consulting him first.

cherie82 · October 2012

Manateearmz:
He said something he shouldn't have, and apologized for it.

Why are you still mad about it? It was a mistake on his part, but nothing he can say can change how the money was spent. Maybe you both need to sit down and redo the budget, and move on.

I'm still upset because he does not think that he should run stuff by me the same way that I do with him. I'm also upset because he doesn't give a *** that what he did hurts my feelings.

mejane123 · October 2012

cherie82:
No, he took one hundred out of an ATM. He spent a good chunk of it at a bar, bought something for ds and for me, and had to pay for food.
I don't have a problem with the food obviously. I think that getting a toy for ds that cost 30 bucks is excessive and the shirt was also 30 bucks. I would have never paid that much. I guess my real problem is that he didn't even give me a heads up about it. Like I said I would never do that to him. Also the fact that be is being so incredibly douchy about it.

I think this him not giving me a heads up would bother me, too. Maybe you came on a little strong when you questioned him about it, but if he knows you two are a little hard up for cash right now, he should've cleared it with you first. Saying it's "his" money is just childish on his part. I'm assuming the decision for you to be a SAHM was a joint one, therefore he can't use you not bringing money in as ammo for a money argument. Just tell him that you're sorry if you came off as a nag, that wasn't your intention, but that you just wish he would discuss things like this with you in te future.

As for gift money I'm of the belief that, it's a gift, therefore, you do with it as you please within reason. If you want to put it in a Christmas fund, fine. If you want to buy a new pair of boots, fine. Personally, I tend to put that kind of thing toward stuff we need, like groceries or Christmas shopping. If I do buy myself something nice with it, it generally doesn't take up the cost of the full amount. I'm the same way with gift cards. But I don't believe in nagging another person to use their gift in a certain way.

Wufroggy79 · October 2012

cherie82:
Wufroggy79:
With the cost of drinks at a concert event, I would not bat an eye at spending an additional 90 dollars, especially if he bought a round for friends, etc. nbsp;Unless he routinely spends money on entertainment like this, I would chalk up a concert event into a one time fun weekend here and there. nbsp;As others have said no one wants to be bossed around. nbsp;I'm sure you've never spent 250 on something your H would find equally as worthless??
I have never spent any of our money on anything over 50 bucks excluding groceries without consulting him first.

Is this because of an actual agreement you have with each other to run by purchases first or do you just do that out of courtesy? If out of courtesy, then great, but don't hold your H to that standard unless it was an agreement to do so. BTW, if the $90 was spent on food, a t-shirt and something for you all, that still seems reasonable to me.

Manateearmz · October 2012

cherie82:
Manateearmz:
He said something he shouldn't have, and apologized for it.

Why are you still mad about it? It was a mistake on his part, but nothing he can say can change how the money was spent. Maybe you both need to sit down and redo the budget, and move on.

I'm still upset because he does not think that he should run stuff by me the same way that I do with him. I'm also upset because he doesn't give a *** that what he did hurts my feelings.

Then it sounds like this is about more than money. Once you both cool off you might want to try having a conversation about expextations and mutual respect.

HElizabethDU · October 2012

I am more like your DH and my DH is more like you. It might be helpful if you budget together monthly, that way you put numbers to your fears. That way you both see it, agree to it and move forward. You both should have a set amount of discretionary money a month. I think it would help ease your problems.

littlemac1117 · October 2012

Wufroggy79:
With the cost of drinks at a concert event, I would not bat an eye at spending an additional 90 dollars, especially if he bought a round for friends, etc. Unless he routinely spends money on entertainment like this, I would chalk up a concert event into a one time fun weekend here and there. As others have said no one wants to be bossed around. I'm sure you've never spent $250 on something your H would find equally as worthless??

Actually, thinking about this a little more, DH and I went to a concert recently for my birthday. We got the tiniest pizza ever, he had 2 beers and I had a soda, we got two bottles of water and I got a tshirt and a cd. We easily spent over 100 bucks. Everything at concerts is overpriced. I still think the last thing that you posted that he said is really childish, but just as you want to be respected, your H does too. And if he has already apologized, I wouldn't keep bringing it up. If what you are upset about is the underlying lack of communication over your budget, I would give it a little while and talk about it in a way that is neutral.

Abinormal · October 2012

cherie82:
No, he took one hundred out of an ATM. He spent a good chunk of it at a bar, bought something for ds and for me, and had to pay for food. I don't have a problem with the food obviously. I think that getting a toy for ds that cost 30 bucks is excessive and the shirt was also 30 bucks. I would have never paid that much. I guess my real problem is that he didn't even give me a heads up about it. Like I said I would never do that to him. Also the fact that be is being so incredibly douchy about it.

I think maybe his reaction is because you're reaction made him feel guilty about spending money. I know what it's like to live on a budget and to have upcoming expenses. DH and I live our lives that way every single day. However, every once in awhile, we throw caution to the wind and do something fun without worrying too much about the cost. It's no fun to work all the time and never get to do anything fun. Also, if he spent $60 of it on your son and you, he's probably a little upset that you seem unappreciative of the fact that he thought of you.

FWIW, I understand being frustrated about the money spent and your DH not letting you know, but I also know that my DH gets upset when we're spending and planning so much that he can't just do something fun for himself without having to stay within budget.

grr_aargh · October 2012

Manateearmz:
He said something he shouldn't have, and apologized for it. Why are you still mad about it? It was a mistake on his part, but nothing he can say can change how the money was spent. Maybe you both need to sit down and redo the budget, and move on.

This.

So wait - the ticket was $170 and he spent an additional $80 to make $250 total missing OR the ticket was $170 and he spent an additional $250?

The first wouldn't even make me bat an eye. DH went to Peter Gabriel last week. I THINK his total was around $250 between the ticket, beer, and food. I'm not even sure. I expected it - concerts are expensive, the ticket was SUPER expensive, and he goes to about 2 live shows a year so meh.

If you were not expecting the expense, I can see how you'd be upset.

Why not approach him and say "Gosh, I'm sorry to have reacted like that, I was just surprised. Thank you for the nice gifts. In the future can we discuss this before these purchases are made? Or can we set aside X amt of cash per month for a nice little cash stash so if this happens in the future, I just don't even KNOW what was spent?"

[Deleted User] · October 2012

cherie82:
I'm going to try and keep this short. Dh went to a concert, the ticket had cost 170, fine whatever. I look on our account statement and it turns out he spent 250 the night of the concert. I mean, holy ***! I asked him how he could spend that kind of money when he knows that we can't afford that. We are trying to save and have a ton of expenses coming up. He immediately got defensive and told me that he makes the money so he will spend it if he wants to. He has since apologized for this comment, but will not apologize for spending the money. I have been fuming about this for two days. Last night he asks me how much longer I'm going to be mad for. I asked him if he really thinks that what he did was ok. He retorts, yes and you being pissed off about it doesn't matter After that I started crying. He walked back in and said, Oh by the way I still have some of the money left and I'm keeping it. I asked him why he was being so hateful. He said I spend money that my dad gives me for my bday and Xmas. I told him that it isn't our money though. I would never spend that much of the money that he earns without discussing it with him first because I respect him. I don't feel like I get the same respect in return. Am I being crazy or is he in the wrong here? Edited to add: we are also not done paying bills is this paycheck. He has left me with 500 to his next paycheck. Yes we could pull from savings but that defeats the purpose of trying to save money. I have to drop 1500 on our house in the next week.

A) It sounds like you guys aren't on the same page with your budget. Like at all. I get that you are trying to save money, but so you both know all the exact numbers of what goes to what & your savings goals, etc.? It sounds like no.

You fuming about something for 2 days is ridiculous & immature. You are both being immature about this entire situation. It was a one time concert, you have the $$, you just aren't saving as much.

C) It sounds like you are a little bit upset about the situation of you SAH & him not respecting you. However, it sounds like you have expectations that are kind of unreasonable. Unless he also agrees to checking in with you at every turn, it unfair to expect that he does this. You aren't each others parent. You are two grownass adults. Discuss your actual budget & monetary goals. LIKE ADULTS. Then stick to your goals. If either of you vary or stray, then discuss it. LIKE ADULTS. Presentation of a point & communication go a long way. It sounds like neither of you are great at it.

D) If you no likey what people on teh interwebs say, then stay off teh interwebs.

Abinormal · October 2012

I'd like to add one more thing:

If I were in your shoes, I would drop this particular scenario and not bring it up again. The concert is over, the money is spent, your DH had a good time and he even managed to think of your son and you while he was out (since he brought y'all each a present). Your DH's reactions to you being upset over the money aren't the best, but I also don't know how it was brought up or what you said to him. How an issue is addressed can really change a person's reaction to the issue.

What you need to do is sit down with your DH and reach a mutual agreement about this type of event. Ask him to next time find out how much money he can spend and then if he doesn't stay within that range (I'd give him a $20-40 window to go over budget), you'd have a legitimate reason to be upset. I also run our finances and when DH goes to an event without me, I try my best to give him an idea of how much money he can spend before it causes a major issue with our budget. Whenever I go to an event without DH, I already know how much I can spend, but I still give DH an idea of how much I plan on spending. This isn't an issue about the money, it's more an issue about communication. However, your husband is a man, and he probably thinks that all you are upset about is the money and this one particular concert. Drop this particular scenario, bring up the real issue (in few weeks) and hope that something like this won't happen again.

Also, what money does he still have left that he hasn't spent? If it's money that y'all are already living without, what's the big deal if he keeps it and spends a little bit on himself?

littlemac1117 · October 2012

Abinormal:
I'd like to add one more thing:
If I were in your shoes, I would drop this particular scenario and not bring it up again. The concert is over, the money is spent, your DH had a good time and he even managed to think of your son and you while he was out (since he brought y'all each a present). Your DH's reactions to you being upset over the money aren't the best, but I also don't know how it was brought up or what you said to him. How an issue is addressed can really change a person's reaction to the issue.
What you need to do is sit down with your DH and reach a mutual agreement about this type of event. Ask him to next time find out how much money he can spend and then if he doesn't stay within that range (I'd give him a $20-40 window to go over budget), you'd have a legitimate reason to be upset. I also run our finances and when DH goes to an event without me, I try my best to give him an idea of how much money he can spend before it causes a major issue with our budget. Whenever I go to an event without DH, I already know how much I can spend, but I still give DH an idea of how much I plan on spending. This isn't an issue about the money, it's more an issue about communication. However, your husband is a man, and he probably thinks that all you are upset about is the money and this one particular concert. Drop this particular scenario, bring up the real issue (in few weeks) and hope that something like this won't happen again.
Also, what money does he still have left that he hasn't spent? If it's money that y'all are already living without, what's the big deal if he keeps it and spends a little bit on himself?

Yes

cherie82 · October 2012

grr_aargh:
Manateearmz:
He said something he shouldn't have, and apologized for it.

Why are you still mad about it? It was a mistake on his part, but nothing he can say can change how the money was spent. Maybe you both need to sit down and redo the budget, and move on.
This.
 
So wait - the ticket was $170 and he spent an additional $80 to make $250 total missing OR the ticket was $170 and he spent an additional $250?
The first wouldn't even make me bat an eye.  DH went to Peter Gabriel last week.  I THINK his total was around $250 between the ticket, beer, and food.  I'm not even sure.  I expected it - concerts are expensive, the ticket was SUPER expensive, and he goes to about 2 live shows a year so meh.
If you were not expecting the expense, I can see how you'd be upset.
Why not approach him and say "Gosh, I'm sorry to have reacted like that, I was just surprised. Thank you for the nice gifts. In the future can we discuss this before these purchases are made?  Or can we set aside X amt of cash per month for a nice little cash stash so if this happens in the future, I just don't even KNOW what was spent?" 

No, the ticket was 170 and he spent an additional 250

grr_aargh · October 2012

The SAHM thing can create some weirdness - your house sounds like ours in that *I* manage the finances and DH makes most of the money.

I'm cool with that - I've had a long long time to adjust. It's weird, or was, for the first few years - because for ME, I took it as *MY* job to manage the money. In doing so, I would often ask DH about expenditures - making BOTH of us feel really . . . awkward.

Ultimately, I let go of a lot of that - we instituted an entertainment budget for him and we really don't talk about it much at all. I *DO* ask that when he makes large expenditures he lets me know - particularly for purposes of keeping a balanced ledger, not necessarily because I'm tracking his every purchase. I think if you couch it that way with your DH - at some point in the future - maybe he'll be feeling less angry about the discussion and your request.

cherie82 · October 2012

I would sincerely like to thank everyone for their responses. You are right in saying that we don't have the greatest communication. We are working on that. I am a very frugal person and dh is more throw caution to the wind. I think what I may end up doing in the future is putting my savings money away first. If he would actually sit down to budget with me I would do that, but he won't. Believe me, I have tried. When I saw how much he had spent I literally wanted to throw up. I could just think of so many better uses,
You are all right though. It's over and I just need to drop it.

cherie82 · October 2012

mbenit4:
cherie82:
Manateearmz:
He said something he shouldn't have, and apologized for it.

Why are you still mad about it? It was a mistake on his part, but nothing he can say can change how the money was spent. Maybe you both need to sit down and redo the budget, and move on.

I'm still upset because he does not think that he should run stuff by me the same way that I do with him. I'm also upset because he doesn't give a *** that what he did hurts my feelings.
What hurt your feelings? That he didn't run it by you.
Is running these things by each other something he knows was expected? 

It hurts my feelings that he care that I was upset by it. We always run stuff by each other. I know that the only reason he didn't was because he already knew what I was going to say about it. So he went ahead and did it anyway. I think 100 to 150 would have been reasonable for food and drinks.

cherie82 · October 2012

Abinormal:
I'd like to add one more thing:If I were in your shoes, I would drop this particular scenario and not bring it up again. The concert is over, the money is spent, your DH had a good time and he even managed to think of your son and you while he was out since he brought y'all each a present. Your DH's reactions to you being upset over the money aren't the best, but I also don't know how it was brought up or what you said to him. How an issue is addressed can really change a person's reaction to the issue.What you need to do is sit down with your DH and reach a mutual agreement about this type of event. Ask him to next time find out how much money he can spend and then if he doesn't stay within that range I'd give him a 2040 window to go over budget, you'd have a legitimate reason to be upset. I also run our finances and when DH goes to an event without me, I try my best to give him an idea of how much money he can spend before it causes a major issue with our budget. Whenever I go to an event without DH, I already know how much I can spend, but I still give DH an idea of how much I plan on spending. This isn't an issue about the money, it's more an issue about communication. However, your husband is a man, and he probably thinks that all you are upset about is the money and this one particular concert. Drop this particular scenario, bring up the real issue in few weeks and hope that something like this won't happen again.Also, what money does he still have left that he hasn't spent? If it's money that y'all are already living without, what's the big deal if he keeps it and spends a little bit on himself?nbsp;

The part about keeping what's left , he didn't even need to say to me. He only said it to be shitty. It was a very snide remark geared to make me angry.

grr_aargh · October 2012

cherie82:
mbenit4:
cherie82:
Manateearmz:
He said something he shouldn't have, and apologized for it. Why are you still mad about it? It was a mistake on his part, but nothing he can say can change how the money was spent. Maybe you both need to sit down and redo the budget, and move on.
I'm still upset because he does not think that he should run stuff by me the same way that I do with him. I'm also upset because he doesn't give a *** that what he did hurts my feelings.
What hurt your feelings? That he didn't run it by you.
Is running these things by each other something he knows was expected?
It hurts my feelings that he care that I was upset by it. We always run stuff by each other. I know that the only reason he didn't was because he already knew what I was going to say about it. So he went ahead and did it anyway. I think 100 to 150 would have been reasonable for food and drinks.

I suspect he probably was being defensive. I suspect he probably maybe feels like he got a few things for you and your LO and then you fought about the money and this thing he did for you that he thought was nice backfired.

Like maybe this hurt his feelings a bit. I don't know. I've had a very similar situation with DH in the past and that's exactly how he felt and he said exactly what your husband did. Dudes aren't the best at articulating how they are feeling sometimes, you know?

Good luck. Money stuff is hard.

cherie82 · October 2012

grr_aargh:
cherie82:
mbenit4:
cherie82:
Manateearmz:
He said something he shouldn't have, and apologized for it.

Why are you still mad about it? It was a mistake on his part, but nothing he can say can change how the money was spent. Maybe you both need to sit down and redo the budget, and move on.

I'm still upset because he does not think that he should run stuff by me the same way that I do with him. I'm also upset because he doesn't give a *** that what he did hurts my feelings.
What hurt your feelings? That he didn't run it by you.
Is running these things by each other something he knows was expected? 

It hurts my feelings that he care that I was upset by it. We always run stuff by each other. I know that the only reason he didn't was because he already knew what I was going to say about it. So he went ahead and did it anyway. I think 100 to 150 would have been reasonable for food and drinks.
I suspect he probably was being defensive.  I suspect he probably maybe feels like he got a few things for you and your LO and then you fought about the money and this thing he did for you that he thought was nice backfired.
Like maybe this hurt his feelings a bit.  I don't know. I've had a very similar situation with DH in the past and that's exactly how he felt and he said exactly what your husband did.  Dudes aren't the best at articulating how they are feeling sometimes, you know? 
 
Good luck. Money stuff is hard.  

Thank you

charlies-angel · October 2012

I'd be pissed about an additional $250 on top of the ticket price. And even more pissed about his reaction.

cherie82 · October 2012

anna karenina:
I feel like some of us are being a bit dismissive of the Op's concerns. We have a patriarchal Neanderthal waving his d!ck around, saying, yeah, I spent it and I'm not sorry and I'm keeping the change too. Just because he is the breadwinner and she is a SAHM? Why is this okay? Sure, she can't hold a grudge forever but it's not about the . It's how he took without permission, showed no remorse when he saw hoe his wife was upset and then added salt to the wound by keeping the change. This is not a budgeting or finance issue, this is a patriarchy issue.nbsp;

This is exactly how I feel!

[Deleted User] · October 2012

anna karenina:
I feel like some of us are being a bit dismissive of the Op's concerns. We have a patriarchal Neanderthal waving his d!ck around, saying, yeah, I spent it and I'm not sorry and I'm keeping the change too. Just because he is the breadwinner and she is a SAHM? Why is this okay? Sure, she can't hold a grudge forever but it's not about the $. It's how he took without permission, showed no remorse when he saw hoe his wife was upset and then added salt to the wound by keeping the change. This is not a budgeting or finance issue, this is a patriarchy issue.

Is it OK for him to be a jerk? Absolutely not. I don't think this is a breadwinner/SAH thing necessarily. They need to be on the same page about finances & communicate prior to a blowup IMHO.

It also seems like digs & low blows/ disrespectful comments are coming from both sides.

OP - I get that you're upset & why. Really, I do. I still honestly think that you guys both need to get on the same page. If you're on the same page & he's still this way, I will buy the first 100 people torches to lead the charge against him.

cherie82 · October 2012

sofamonkey:
anna karenina:
I feel like some of us are being a bit dismissive of the Op's concerns. We have a patriarchal Neanderthal waving his d!ck around, saying, yeah, I spent it and I'm not sorry and I'm keeping the change too. Just because he is the breadwinner and she is a SAHM? Why is this okay? Sure, she can't hold a grudge forever but it's not about the $. It's how he took without permission, showed no remorse when he saw hoe his wife was upset and then added salt to the wound by keeping the change. This is not a budgeting or finance issue, this is a patriarchy issue. 
Is it OK for him to be a jerk?  Absolutely not.  I don't think this is a breadwinner/SAH thing necessarily.  They need to be on the same page about finances & communicate prior to a blowup IMHO.  
It also seems like digs & low blows/ disrespectful comments are coming from both sides. 
OP - I get that you're upset & why.  Really, I do.  I still honestly think that you guys both need to get on the same page.  If you're on the same page & he's still this way, I will buy the first 100 people torches to lead the charge against him. 

Thanks, this made me smile.

blush64 · October 2012

This is not ok. My husband and I share money. If he said this to me and meant it and didn't come to understand why he was wrong this would be a breaking point for me. I could not live that way forever.

grr_aargh · October 2012

cherie82:
anna karenina:
I feel like some of us are being a bit dismissive of the Op's concerns. We have a patriarchal Neanderthal waving his d!ck around, saying, yeah, I spent it and I'm not sorry and I'm keeping the change too. Just because he is the breadwinner and she is a SAHM? Why is this okay? Sure, she can't hold a grudge forever but it's not about the . It's how he took without permission, showed no remorse when he saw hoe his wife was upset and then added salt to the wound by keeping the change. This is not a budgeting or finance issue, this is a patriarchy issue.nbsp;
This is exactly how I feel!

My general assumption about women is that they don't marry diiickheads. I assumed that the OP is *NOT* married to a raging poopfaced monkeybutt and therefore the behavior was unusual - that he's not some average patriarchal neanderthal waving his junk - but that maybe he was upset b/c he felt like he was doing something nice and she got upset - that it was a classic case of 2 people talking about 2 different things but thinking they were the same and thus everyone got mad.

I think it's really hard for modern men and women to work out this SAHM business without having one of these stupid battles. Once you can realign and recognize that you're on the same team - it'll be good, really good. I have a super modern husband dude who is AWESOME and we still had this argument once or twice in my early SAHM days. Di!ck swinging ain't his thing, but it's some sort of random fallback behavior for guys who really are trying to learn to live in this postmodern gender bender world with a throwback home situation. Does that make sense?

I'm not dismissing the stupidity or arrogance of his behavior - I'm just trying to help the OP understand it.

That said - if he's like that all the time, then you need to caveman bash him back.

NerdyMama2 · October 2012

If he apologized, I would just let it go.

Angela814 · October 2012

anna karenina:
I feel like some of us are being a bit dismissive of the Op's concerns. We have a patriarchal Neanderthal waving his d!ck around, saying, yeah, I spent it and I'm not sorry and I'm keeping the change too. Just because he is the breadwinner and she is a SAHM? Why is this okay? Sure, she can't hold a grudge forever but it's not about the $. It's how he took without permission, showed no remorse when he saw hoe his wife was upset and then added salt to the wound by keeping the change. This is not a budgeting or finance issue, this is a patriarchy issue.

I agree. For us $250 would be a lot of money to spend without discussing it together first.

[Deleted User] · October 2012

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[Deleted User] · October 2012

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hopecounts · October 2012

Do you have individual fun money budgeted in?

i'm wondering if he's feeling irritated by all the saving and when he had a chance to spend went a little crazy (not at all Ok and neither is the way he talked to you).

I'm a SAHM and we budget in $10 week fun money for each of us. That money is ours to do with what we want but we have an agreement to use it did certain things and not to access the checking account for the stuff we agreed fell in certain categories without OKing it with each other.

I don't feel bad about buying a book or spending money on MNO because it's MY money and DH doesn't feel bad dropping $50 bucks on a video game because it's money that he's saved and was budgeted for him to spend.

MissNikki007 · October 2012

twatley:

Wait. How in the world is the OP receiving these responses?

Her husband spend $420 on one night out without consulting her.
They are now in a position that they cannot afford their bills.
He told her to get over it because he makes the money.

How in the hell can you guys possibly think that she is the one being immature? I'd be pissed at the shithead until he apologized to me and figured out how he was going to fix our family budget without dipping into our savings account.

Sounds like dude needs to get to mowing some lawns if you ask me.

cherie82 · October 2012

hopecounts:
Do you have individual fun money budgeted in?
i'm wondering if he's feeling irritated by all the saving and when he had a chance to spend went a little crazy (not at all Ok and neither is the way he talked to you).
I'm a SAHM and we budget in $10 week fun money for each of us. That money is ours to do with what we want but we have an agreement to use it did certain things and not to access the checking account for the stuff we agreed fell in certain categories without OKing it with each other.
I don't feel bad about buying a book or spending money on MNO because it's MY money and DH doesn't feel bad dropping $50 bucks on a video game because it's money that he's saved and was budgeted for him to spend.

he is the one who is always insisting that we do not dip into the savings unless it is absolutely necessary, so I would think that isn't the case.

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