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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
twirlyjack73
member
Time Out controversy
twirlyjack73
member
Lately I've been hearing that parents are being told to stay away from time outs b/c it humiliates the child. I haven't done it yet as mine is too young anyway. At first I thought oh jeez another pc thing, but I read this article & it made a lot of sense. https://www.awareparenting.com/timeout.htm I was all prepared thinking I knew what to do with timeouts, & now I'm wondering what to do instead? It's not that I'm going to jump everytime a new piece of advice comes out however it's nice to know my options anyway. TIA
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Time Out controversy
We purposely avoid time outs in our house. When my son gets too physical and starts hitting (which is like a one every 3 months kind of thing) I will make him go cool off in another area so he can't hit his sibling and I talk it over with him/give hugs. That's the closest that I utilize time outs.
If you want a way to avoid punishments like time outs but still want a child that behaves properly, I'd recommend positive discipline. This site is really helpful in implementing it.
www.ahaparenting.com
GL!
I don't agree with the article because everyone I know that utilizes time-outs successfully doesn't just send the child away without explaining why they are in trouble and they also don't withhold love/affection. I think time-out is a time to cool off. You aren't telling the child that crying and rage aren't appropriate reactions, you are just teaching them that they are to be done in private. You don't want your child expressing these emotions in the middle of the grocery store!
The bottom line is, you can't just send your kid to time-out and expect them to serve their time and think everything is going to be ok afterwards. You have to explain to them why you are sending them why they are getting the punishment and then afterwards give them a hug and praise them for doing a good job.
I'm all for positive reinforcement, but you can't expect that your child is never going to need a punishment...
like every parenting technique it doesn't work with every child.
For DD timeouts are a reward. Last night I told her if she didn't eat her dinner to go to her bed for night night. She responded with "ohh thank you mama" and ran up, laid in her bed until I went up there (after DS finished eating). She just doesn't see it as a punishment. If I raise my voice or (rarely) slap her hand she understands she is being punished.
We will see with DS. He is too young for time out but it may or may not work with him.
I personally don't like time outs and do agree that it is a passive-agressive way of parenting and a child's cognitive ability doesn't really understand why they are alone, why it is punishment, or the long lecture a parent uses after to "explain" everything
The world is a life full of consequences... so why not teach them in the home?
You do something wrong, you're corrected for it, pay a consequence, and then given positive counseling on how everyone makes mistakes and that it doesn't make him or her a bad person, what can we do to prevent this mistake from happening again?
I think not punishing our children is setting them up for failure for the real world. There's no way you can live your life even as an adult without making a mistake. We have to learn to take responsibility for our mistakes, accept the concequence and work on how we can personally improve.
If I'm not teaching my child how to do that... then I am afraid of how they will turn out as an adult.
I don't think the author is saying no consequences at all for behavior. She means no articificial consequences. There are some of us who believe that time outs are ineffective because putting a kid in a corner for 2 minutes is in no way related to the crime. You can use natural/logical consequences (if you don't want to wear your jacket outside, you get cold; you throw your food, you need to clean it up and don't get anymore, etc) without having to resort to punishment.
I remember reading something interesting on the idea of punishment--I think it was on this site. If you get a speeding ticket, does it teach you to not speed? No, you just work harder at not getting caught. Discipline doesn't need to include punishment because punishment isn't exactly effective at modifying behavior. It can be effective in having a child avoid doing something to avoid that punishment--but isn't effective in actually teaching a lesson.
Wow, I have seen garbage on the internet, but this takes the cake. I don't mean to flame you, but this is completely ludicruos. So parents shouldn't spank, they shouldn't embarrass their kids, they shouldn't take away privileges, and they shouldn't do time outs because it makes the kid sad? HELLO, that's the point! Punishment is not supposed to be fun. I love this part:
"The use of time-out leads to a host of hidden problems. For one, when we enforce a time-out for children who are crying or raging, they get the message that we do not want to be around them when they are upset".
That's the perfect message to send a kid. If you throw a fit, no one will want to be around you. Would you want to be around an adult who throws tantrums? No. That's why we want our kids to learn that tantrums are not socially acceptable behavior. I love this part too:
"time-out is an authoritarian approach"
Of course it is. We are the parents, not their buddies. It is our JOB to be authoritarian. If you don't have authority over your kids, they grow up to be unruly brats.
"From a child's point of view, time-out is definitely experienced as punishment. Who wants to be isolated from the group and totally ignored? It is quite likely that children view this form of isolation as abandonment and loss of love. "
Cry me a river. A child in time out feels abandoned? Really? Give me a break.
I sure hope nobody listens to this article. It is meant to make parents feel like it's wrong to discipline your child, no matter how you do it.
Maybe I didn't make myself clear in that it's not just this article. I've been hearing about this lately in general from different sources. I only googled it & linked the first article I came across. Anyway while I love all the opinions, I am still hoping to hear feedback from anyone who's familiar (not only opinions & I don't mean that negatively) with why this is considered bad. Does anyone here work in child psychology or something similar who can impart some knowledge. I feel like I've heard bits & pieces about it. I'd love to see an article on it by a professional in a parenting magazine. I guess I was kinda hoping that somebody had come across something like that & could enlighten me on the subject.
I'm on the fence about time outs and I will not spank. . . I can see the author's point in the bolded above. You explain that you are teaching your child that you don't want to be around them when they tantrum because nobody want to be around an adult who tantrums. The difference is that a child who tantrums has not learned other coping strategies to deal with the intense emotions they feel (such as disappointment, anger, frustration. . . ). By just walking away, you are not teaching them how to deal with those emotions.
As far as your ideas about authoritarian parenting go, here's an article that you may like to read:
Controlling Parents More Likely to Have Delinquent Children
ScienceDaily (Feb. 10, 2012) ? Authoritarian parents whose child-rearing style can be summed up as "it's my way or the highway" are more likely to raise disrespectful, delinquent children who do not see them as legitimate authority figures than authoritative parents who listen to their children and gain their respect and trust, according to new research from the University of New Hampshire
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/02/120210105901.htmthumbs up.
I was put in time out as a child, I felt ashamed and never did it again. Guess what I am still alive and kicking. My DD will be put in time out if she does something undesirable. It's how humans learn.
I choose a positive discipline approach as well. I have done a lot of research and also put a lot of thought into it. I know it seems so weird to be against time out! I thought so too at first. But I try to think about long-term parenting - how to help my son be a healthy, happy, successful person, not just a "well behaved child." Also, the more I learn about child development, the more I have realistic expectations for my kid and I get much less irritated because of this.
My kids must be super genuises then, because when they were shown that throwing food meant they had to pick it up and the food went away, they stopped throwing food. I'd venture a guess that most other kids could do that too.
I never claimed my kids are advanced. Actually, both of my children are special needs so quite the opposite. However, they are polite, empathetic, and very well behaved and I think it's largely because we do not use a punishment system and utilize positive discipline instead.
And no, speeders who get caught speeding likely don't go through a period of enlightenment where they realize speeding is wrong and dangerous and they shouldn't do it anymore. They do it to avoid the punishment of getting a ticket.
My mind edited out the hand part all five times I read that over. I was like, I don't like to criticize other people's parenting unless there is abuse. Slapping really isn't abuse, but WOW. Slapping a 1 or 2 year old and admitting it on the bump, you've got balls. Glad that I caught the "hand" part.
Carry on.
Taught pk no ok lol
Taught pk not ok lol
Yeah, because sitting in prison for years is super related to any crime that gets people sent there.
If the discipline is consistent then it's related.
We find time outs to be very effective, and *gasp* before the age of two.
I'm eye rolling a whole bunch over here.
ZOMG!!!1111
BTW, it's extremely sweet that she hugs whoever she hit!
Did you literally sit on the floor and take his hands over yours and make him pick up the mess he made? Did you tell him food was all done and not let him go back? Did you try this every single time consistently for some extended period of time? I think parents tend to give up on something too quickly and want a quick fix. Of course, positive discipline doesn't work for every child the same way as well so it might just be the right fit for your child too. It's not an instant fix if that's what you're looking for, though.
In terms of biting/hitting, it entirely depends on what occured/whyit happened.
The only time either of my kids went through biting phases was in early toddlerhood. At that time, it was attention seeking. If I were holding them/playing with them, I'd remove myself from them and ignore them. I'd come back a short time later (maybe 30-60 seconds) and resume playing/holding them. If they bit again, we'd repeat. That phase lasted maybe a week, if that.
If my son is hitting, usually there's some underlying cause. If it's because he wants to have a toy his sister has, I take it away from him and he can watch his sister play. After he cools off, if he wants to play with it, he asks for a turn, then he takes a turn and shares with his sister. If it's because he's overtired/hungry/whatever, we fix what the problem is after speaking to him about hitting.
Yep, there went my eyeroll again. Are you suggesting that your method didn't work for her because she didn't have patience with her child?
You do realize that all children are different, and your way doesn't work or all children, right? I'm not sitting here telling you that time outs will be how to correct all of your parenting issues, so please spare us.
LOL @ doing this with an 18 month old. KC, if this works for you and your kids, then awesome, you've found something that works FOR THEM.
Why couldn't you do this with an 18 month old? I did this with both my kids before 18 months old and it worked.
Thats nice that it works for YOU.
Time out works for my 16 month, so there.
You think all 18 months old will understand this as a punishment? Mine would think that it's an awesome game with mommy. The reason most kids start throwing their food in the first place is because they're finished, so you're giving them what they want.
Um, I think I said word for word that positive discipline might not work for every child. Go back and read the first paragraph again.
And yes, I asked her if she tried it for an extended period because it does take some time to implement. I didn't suggest she had no patience--I just questioned if she really did try it for some time and was consistent with it because if you're not, it doesn't work. It's not like a spanking that's a quick fix.
Eh, maybe it was because I taught my kids signs at a young age that they didn't throw food because they were finished. They would sign all more and we'd take them out of the high chair. Most of the time my kids threw food because it was funny and they liked to see the reaction, so that discipline worked in our case.
If they did it solely so I'd get them out of the high chair, I'd remove the food remaining in the high chair and not let them down. When they communicated something more appropriate (whether they used the word done or the sign for it) then they would get the outcome they wanted. They would help clean up the mess as well.
That reminds me of a discipline that we use too, time out, and yes, it's very effective.
Seriously? Clearly this author has never had children. I swear there is an article about how any negative discipline is going to ruin your child... Life is tough, life is not fair and neither are time outs, my child needs to learn that. It isn't like she is spending her life on a time out chair. If she does something against the rules, she gets a time out.
I was born with a genetic disorder which caused a lot of teasing and nastiness as a child. Was it humiliating? Yes, did I overcome it, yes...sigh...
Um, no it's not.
I don't remove him and make him go sit in the corner for 2 minutes. I remove him from the toy he's playing with, give it to his sister, tell him it's her turn, and we go talk it out. If he gets emotional I provide hugs and empathize with his emotions. It's nothing resembling a time-out punishment where the child has to sit in the corner for 2 minutes.
LOL
Because I think there's a difference between sitting with my kid in my lap while I talk to him/cuddle him vs making him sit in a corner for 2 minutes because he misbehaved?
You are unbelievable. With every insult your insecurity and lack of intelligence shine through. Congratulations.
haha. Love it.