Why, oh why, do I go on baby showers?

mollybloom · July 2012

Cause, now I am fighting with 2 of the girls there.

shakes · July 2012

Fighting about what?

ktshoff · July 2012

What you fighting over?

jess60 · July 2012

Linky or it didn't happen. Wink

mollybloom · July 2012

It was a post about what to include with invitaitons. I said that she should include an invite, registry info and anything else that is common in your circle as some groups of people do additional things.

Then it became all

Them: you never dictate how others should spend their money.

Me: the rules are changing and that is common with some people to do a books for cards thinf

Them: you are a horrible mother and will teach you daughter horrible things

Me: take a xanax

Them: you have mentioned xanax twice

Me: Your point?

mollybloom · July 2012

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/67251800.aspx

LilyRose28 · July 2012

I always secretly hope that the people who say it's rude to include registry info get a bunch of crap they don't want, can't use, and can't return.

BlueRidge8 · July 2012

To be fair - I do see a current trend of total tacky going on in baby showers right now... and I don't like being told to buy a book and a gift.

mollybloom · July 2012

BlueRidge8:
To be fair - I do see a current trend of total tacky going on in baby showers right now... and I don't like being told to buy a book and a gift.

I think there is a lot of tacky in showers. To me, that is not tacky.

But those girls are insane and nasty. They love to talk about manners, but they have none.

jess60 · July 2012

Found the post & just skimmed through it. I agree with you, mollybloom. Etiquette changes all the time & is very different in different parts of the country. I've never been to a baby shower that has requested books but I think it's a great idea. The only place I've ever even heard about that idea was on TB. People suggested it all the time, or at least used to. Guess I'm out of the loop at what is considered tacky &/or rude now.

I've heard people say it's rude to include registry cards in invitations but 99% of the invitations I've ever received has them in there. Not a big deal to me & definitely not something I'm going to get up in arms over. I'd rather buy them something I know they want & will use.

KingMama · July 2012

For them to think that manners/etiquette aren't vastly different across countries, and even more locally than that, they they live with their heads in the sand.

Also, I don't get the whole anti "books instead of cards" things. It's a request, it's not like you will be denied entry to the shower if you dared to purchase a card instead. People make things way to much about themselves.

mollybloom · July 2012

LoisLane23:
EllaHella:

Team "Whatever is common in your peer group."

The showers I attend in the DC area vastly differ from the showers I attend back home. It's partially a generational thing. It's all family and old people back home. These ladies are used to "poundings" and don't get caught up in catty "I am way more refined than you and will show you with my Emily Postness."

Here, we'd never do books, we mention the registry on the invite so people know but don't do inserts, and we always write thank yous. But, we also fill out the envelopes as guests for the thank yous so the honoree knows where to send the thank you. They are also served appetizers and cake at minimum, and always booze.

They would crucify you for mentioning guests addressing the envelopes for the mother to be.

esthergreenwood14 · July 2012

Team everyone should register for every event that requires a gift ever. I have 3 kids' parties this weekend and I would love to know what to get them without having to agonize.

jorkz821 · July 2012

LoisLane23:
EllaHella:

Team "Whatever is common in your peer group."

The showers I attend in the DC area vastly differ from the showers I attend back home. It's partially a generational thing. It's all family and old people back home. These ladies are used to "poundings" and don't get caught up in catty "I am way more refined than you and will show you with my Emily Postness."

Here, we'd never do books, we mention the registry on the invite so people know but don't do inserts, and we always write thank yous. But, we also fill out the envelopes as guests for the thank yous so the honoree knows where to send the thank you. They are also served appetizers and cake at minimum, and always booze.

This is us too except the filling out the envelope part. And showers are almost exclusively AFTER the baby is born.

mollybloom · July 2012

LoisLane23:
KingMama:

For them to think that manners/etiquette aren't vastly different across countries, and even more locally than that, they they live with their heads in the sand.

Also, I don't get the whole anti "books instead of cards" things. It's a request, it's not like you will be denied entry to the shower if you dared to purchase a card instead. People make things way to much about themselves.

Because it is requesting a specific gift on top of whatever gift they would bring you. Just like diper raffles.

But, here's the thing. A registry is a request for certain items. And, people usually haev a set amount that they are willing to spend. Let's say $50. So have a book and a gift that works out to $50.

Easy peasy.

And if it is not done in your circle, than it is a non-issue. If it is done in your circle, go with it.

Those biitches went overboard with saying that I am going to teach my daughter to be rude simply because I advised the OP to do what was common in her circle.

Also, what is a diaper raffle? I have never heard of that before.

KingMama · July 2012

LoisLane23:
KingMama:

For them to think that manners/etiquette aren't vastly different across countries, and even more locally than that, they they live with their heads in the sand.

Also, I don't get the whole anti "books instead of cards" things. It's a request, it's not like you will be denied entry to the shower if you dared to purchase a card instead. People make things way to much about themselves.

Because it is requesting a specific gift on top of whatever gift they would bring you. Just like diper raffles.

I guess I would see it as a suggestion, and not a requirement so it wouldn't be a big deal to me. I have no idea what a diaper raffle is.

LilyRose28 · July 2012

mollybloom:
LoisLane23:

Because it is requesting a specific gift on top of whatever gift they would bring you. Just like diper raffles.

But, here's the thing. A registry is a request for certain items. And, people usually haev a set amount that they are willing to spend. Let's say $50. So have a book and a gift that works out to $50.

That's what I usually do, though books are cheap enough that I don't usually mind spending an extra 5 bucks. Knowing how many books my child has because he loooooooooves to read and I get sick of reading the same ones over and over I don't mind adding to others' collections.

KingMama · July 2012

mollybloom:
LoisLane23:
KingMama:

For them to think that manners/etiquette aren't vastly different across countries, and even more locally than that, they they live with their heads in the sand.

Also, I don't get the whole anti "books instead of cards" things. It's a request, it's not like you will be denied entry to the shower if you dared to purchase a card instead. People make things way to much about themselves.

Because it is requesting a specific gift on top of whatever gift they would bring you. Just like diper raffles.

But, here's the thing. A registry is a request for certain items. And, people usually haev a set amount that they are willing to spend. Let's say $50. So have a book and a gift that works out to $50.

Easy peasy.

And if it is not done in your circle, than it is a non-issue. If it is done in your circle, go with it.

Those biitches went overboard with saying that I am going to teach my daughter to be rude simply because I advised the OP to do what was common in her circle.

Also, what is a diaper raffle? I have never heard of that before.

This. Why would it have to be additionally? I would just include it as part of the gift, plus I HATE cards, I would much rather spend my $5 on a book than a card that might/might not get thrown out.

jess60 · July 2012

KingMama:
LoisLane23:
KingMama:

For them to think that manners/etiquette aren't vastly different across countries, and even more locally than that, they they live with their heads in the sand.

Also, I don't get the whole anti "books instead of cards" things. It's a request, it's not like you will be denied entry to the shower if you dared to purchase a card instead. People make things way to much about themselves.

Because it is requesting a specific gift on top of whatever gift they would bring you. Just like diper raffles.

I guess I would see it as a suggestion, and not a requirement so it wouldn't be a big deal to me. I have no idea what a diaper raffle is.

Diaper raffle = bring a pack of diapers & you get entered into a drawing for a special prize.

Wufroggy79 · July 2012

It is fairly common here for someone to list registry info in a bridal or baby shower. I did it for my baby shower, especially since I am hard to buy for.

suziqnc · July 2012

What is the point of registering, if you aren't going to let anyone know where you are registered? If they don't find it rude to create a registry, I don't know why they'd find it rude to mention it on the invite.

suziqnc · July 2012

Oh, sorry, I see that I misunderstood what they were complaining about. I still agree with you. If asking for books in lieu of cards is common in your area, then I think that is fine. Even if the invitation suggests something, it doesn't mean that the person absolutely HAS to buy what is suggested (like books or diapers).

MNgirl326 · July 2012

People on that board need to chill about the books as cards debate. It really isn't that big of a deal. Say I am going to spend 40 on a gift. Okay, a book is 5 bucks, so that leaves 35 towards a gift. And put a gift reciept inside just in case there are multiples and problem sovled. A card is like 3.99-4.99 anyway, so whatevs.

I think they all need to stuff letting their panties get in a wad about this.

People aren't going to be talking behind someones back, and eye rolling. its a freaking baby shower. Next to disney land its like the happiest place on earth ooohing and awing over all the cute baby stuff.

And as a teacher, I would rather buy a book then a card that is going to get thrown away.

seahorse102410 · July 2012

BlueRidge8:
To be fair - I do see a current trend of total tacky going on in baby showers right now... and I don't like being told to buy a book and a gift.

Thank you.

mollybloom · July 2012

Scout2005:

I guess UO - I find the book as card thing, in addition to the expectation of another gift, really tacky. And I pretty much refuse to participate in it. If you want books, register for books. Or have a "library" shower, where books are the only thing people are bringing. I'm not giving you two gifts. Sorry. I understand that it's another $6 or whatever. It's the principle, and I can be kind of a stick in the mud when I feel like it.

I buy nice cards for $.99, so the whole book = same price as card thing is malarkey. As is the "but I'm a TEACHER, so I actually value reading" argument that is so very popular over there. Because that somehow negates the tacky nature of the whole thing.

So...are we in a fight now?

*takes off earrings, kicks of shoes*

As long as you don't tell me I am a *** mother that will teach my DD to be rude, we cool.

MNgirl326 · July 2012

Scout2005:

I guess UO - I find the book as card thing, in addition to the expectation of another gift, really tacky. And I pretty much refuse to participate in it. If you want books, register for books. Or have a "library" shower, where books are the only thing people are bringing. I'm not giving you two gifts. Sorry. I understand that it's another $6 or whatever. It's the principle, and I can be kind of a stick in the mud when I feel like it.

I buy nice cards for $.99, so the whole book = same price as card thing is malarkey. As is the "but I'm a TEACHER, so I actually value reading" argument that is so very popular over there. Because that somehow negates the tacky nature of the whole thing.

So...are we in a fight now?

Nah.

The difference between here and there is people can give their opinions with out flying off the handle and going completely nutso about a book.

i don't disagree that it isn't a little bit tacky, but I just don't really mind it. I love, love love shopping for books, and hate shopping for cards so it doesn't bother me.

But, I can understand why it would bug others.

ETA: Scout- I hope my teacher comment didn't bother you. I really didn't mean that i think others don't value reading, I just meant it as I have a serious addiction problem to children's books and I like buying them for others so my hubby won't get mad at me for bringing home another children's book.

MNgirl326 · July 2012

Scout2005:
abartow:
Scout2005:

I guess UO - I find the book as card thing, in addition to the expectation of another gift, really tacky. And I pretty much refuse to participate in it. If you want books, register for books. Or have a "library" shower, where books are the only thing people are bringing. I'm not giving you two gifts. Sorry. I understand that it's another $6 or whatever. It's the principle, and I can be kind of a stick in the mud when I feel like it.

I buy nice cards for $.99, so the whole book = same price as card thing is malarkey. As is the "but I'm a TEACHER, so I actually value reading" argument that is so very popular over there. Because that somehow negates the tacky nature of the whole thing.

So...are we in a fight now?

ETA: Scout- I hope my teacher comment didn't bother you. I really didn't mean that i think others don't value reading, I just meant it as I have a serious addiction problem to children's books and I like buying them for others so my hubby won't get mad at me for bringing home another children's book.

Oh no, sorry. I was responding to the usual lines over there.

I've had five baby showers in the last three months, each tackier than the last, so I'm a little hot under the collar on this subject apparently. At one of them, mom didn't open gifts and handed everyone their pre printed thank you note at the door.

If it hadn't been family, I wouldn't have gone. As it was, I stole a big chunk of cake.

oh that sucks. I have been pretty fortunate that the showers i have been to have all been pretty simple gatherings, but I can see where things would start to grate on you if every one you went to was all about BUY ME MORE STUFF.

grr_aargh · July 2012

nbeseau:
It is fairly common here for someone to list registry info in a bridal or baby shower. I did it for my baby shower, especially since I am hard to buy for.

When I got married, I had few friends who were married already and I was totally stupid. So when the place we registered gave us cards for the invites, I stupidly put them in because I thought that's what you were supposed to do.

I still feel burning shame about it. I didn't know. I claim ignorance, not rudeness. But it's been 10 years and I'm still not happy they misled me. I'm pretty sure it is considered pretty rude . . .

ali_bl-nov05 · July 2012

I don't mind including registry information on the cards. Actually, I think it makes life easier for all people involved.

Having said that, for this baby (yes, I'm having a second shower, and I probably would have even if this baby had turned out to be another boy) I told my hostess not to include the registry info. I did register and she will pass the info to whoever asks for it.

As for the book thing, I think is a lovely idea to give a book instead of a card, I just don't like the MTB actually requesting it. It feels like a gift over a gift. I say just register for the books if you are that interested.

Rhenna · July 2012

Scout2005:

I guess UO - I find the book as card thing, in addition to the expectation of another gift, really tacky. And I pretty much refuse to participate in it. If you want books, register for books. Or have a "library" shower, where books are the only thing people are bringing. I'm not giving you two gifts. Sorry. I understand that it's another $6 or whatever. It's the principle, and I can be kind of a stick in the mud when I feel like it.

I buy nice cards for $.99, so the whole book = same price as card thing is malarkey. As is the "but I'm a TEACHER, so I actually value reading" argument that is so very popular over there. Because that somehow negates the tacky nature of the whole thing.

So...are we in a fight now?

eta: Seriously, the teacher argument makes me ragey. I'm not a teacher. So that means I don't value or love reading? Bullcrap. It has nothing to do with that.

I hate being told I have to buy something. I think it all depends on the wording and if it comes across as a you must do this if you are coming it makes me just not want to go. That said, the showers that I've been to with the book thing have all worded it in a way that made it very apparent that it was an optional/fun thing they were doing for the new mom and I have no problem with that whatsoever. I hate registries in general but I really do like the book thing. I feel like it is something I get to put thought into and it is more personal. When I buy off a registry I feel like I shouldn't even wrap it or watch it be unwrapped. It's like, "ohhhh yay!!! It's the jungle theme bouncer I scanned and knew I would get! I'm so surprised, I love it thank you!!" Confused

And I definitely agree OP, it all depends on where you live. The rules aren't the same everywhere, you should do what is the norm for you.

shakes · July 2012

Scout2005:

I think probably what a lot of people are reacting to - myself included - is this aura of entitlement that now surrounds baby showers. They are expected to be these major events that people rearrange their lives to attend, with everything JUST as MTB wants.

Gifts are to be EXACTLY what she requested and God have mercy on your soul if you don't shop the registry, not wrapped so she doesn't have to waste her time dealing with your stupid wrapping paper, forget that thoughtful card give her a book too damnit, who cares if she has three other kids under the age of 5 ALL BABIES DESERVE TO BE CELEBRATED YOU ASS, and hey address your own stupid thank you note she really can't be bothered.

Showers were once upon a time small gatherings where a few close family and friends gave some thoughtful tokens of love to help usher mom into parenthood.

They've gotten ridiculous and side-eye worthy, and while etiquette may evolve, the entitlement that has bred bad manners is hard to stomach sometimes.

I take a small amount of offense to this, very small. But I had a baby shower with almost 80 people. It was easiest for both families and friends to do one shower for everyone. I was a little taken by surprise with it being so big but in reality my family alone was 35 women (and no that was not random long lost cousins). Under no circumstances would I act like this, nor would any of it cross my mind. I had 3 people not even bring gifts, did I care? Absolutely not, I was just pumped to see and hug them. I get a lot of women have a lovely sense of self entitlement, but not all.

Sherbet Lemon · July 2012

Scout2005:
I guess UO - I find the book as card thing, in addition to the expectation of another gift, really tacky. And I pretty much refuse to participate in it. If you want books, register for books. Or have a "library" shower, where books are the only thing people are bringing. I'm not giving you two gifts. Sorry. I understand that it's another $6 or whatever. It's the principle, and I can be kind of a stick in the mud when I feel like it.
I buy nice cards for $.99, so the whole book = same price as card thing is malarkey. As is the "but I'm a TEACHER, so I actually value reading" argument that is so very popular over there. Because that somehow negates the tacky nature of the whole thing.
So...are we in a fight now?
eta: Seriously, the teacher argument makes me ragey. I'm not a teacher. So that means I don't value or love reading? Bullcrap. It has nothing to do with that.

ITA. And I am a teacher.

Plus, I just looked at the prices of my daughter's books. For example, The Little Hungry Caterpillar board book is $16. If you buy a good book, it's a lot more expensive than a card. If you want them, register for them, and you'll get plenty.

I do think registry info should be included on the invite. Gifts are inherently part of showers. Make it easier on your guests.

shakes · July 2012

Scout2005:
shakes:
Scout2005:

Gifts are to be EXACTLY what she requested and God have mercy on your soul if you don't shop the registry, not wrapped so she doesn't have to waste her time dealing with your stupid wrapping paper, forget that thoughtful card give her a book too damnit, who cares if she has three other kids under the age of 5 ALL BABIES DESERVE TO BE CELEBRATED YOU ASS, and hey address your own stupid thank you note she really can't be bothered.

I take a small amount of offense to this, very small. But I had a baby shower with almost 80 people. It was easiest for both families and friends to do one shower for everyone. I was a little taken by surprise with it being so big but in reality my family alone was 35 women (and no that was not random long lost cousins). Under no circumstances would I act like this, nor would any of it cross my mind. I had 3 people not even bring gifts, did I care? Absolutely not, I was just pumped to see and hug them. I get a lot of women have a lovely sense of self entitlement, but not all.

If this doesn't pertain to you, why are you taking offense? If you didn't behave in this manner, then I'm clearly not talking about you. I never said ALL women behave this way - I had a baby shower too, for my daughter.

I'm down with baby showers. I'm not down with how a lot of MTB act these days.

The implicaton was that big event showers = entitlement. I disagree with that.

kllrbnny · July 2012

Scout2005:

I think probably what a lot of people are reacting to - myself included - is this aura of entitlement that now surrounds baby showers. They are expected to be these major events that people rearrange their lives to attend, with everything JUST as MTB wants.

Gifts are to be EXACTLY what she requested and God have mercy on your soul if you don't shop the registry, not wrapped so she doesn't have to waste her time dealing with your stupid wrapping paper, forget that thoughtful card give her a book too damnit, who cares if she has three other kids under the age of 5 ALL BABIES DESERVE TO BE CELEBRATED YOU ASS, and hey address your own stupid thank you note she really can't be bothered.

Showers were once upon a time small gatherings where a few close family and friends gave some thoughtful tokens of love to help usher mom into parenthood.

They've gotten ridiculous and side-eye worthy, and while etiquette may evolve, the entitlement that has bred bad manners is hard to stomach sometimes.

::standing ovation::

This is exactly my thought. I think a lot (not all) of the 20 somethings these days feel that sense of entitlement generally in life. Expecting their first home to have all high end finishes and appliances and huge closets & bathrooms and be in the perfect upscale neighborhood. All within their budget.

Sorry, off topic, the couple on Property Brothers last night made me stabby.

nurrieum · July 2012

LoisLane23:
EllaHella:

Team "Whatever is common in your peer group."

The showers I attend in the DC area vastly differ from the showers I attend back home. It's partially a generational thing. It's all family and old people back home. These ladies are used to "poundings" and don't get caught up in catty "I am way more refined than you and will show you with my Emily Postness."

Here, we'd never do books, we mention the registry on the invite so people know but don't do inserts, and we always write thank yous. But, we also fill out the envelopes as guests for the thank yous so the honoree knows where to send the thank you. They are also served appetizers and cake at minimum, and always booze.

I want to go to your baby showers. Booze is not a staple here.

shakes · July 2012

Scout2005:

Well, I'm sorry if I implied that shakes. That's not really what I was saying. I had larger showers too. But I opened every gift, wrote every thank you note, and was genuinely grateful for every gift (registry or not).

Many people use large showers to justify not doing any of the above. THAT is what equals entitlement.

No need to apologise, friend! I hear what you're saying. I also opened every gift and wrote every thank you note. And I think it's supershit if you don't no matter how big or small your shower. I had my thank you notes out by the following weekend. That was hugely important to me.

ali_bl-nov05 · July 2012

Scout2005:
who cares if she has three other kids under the age of 5 ALL BABIES DESERVE TO BE CELEBRATED YOU ASS

I really do believe this. Actually that is the reason why I agreed to a second baby shower. Why does it have to be only about the firstborn? I am as excited to be expecting as I was the firts time. Gift or no gift I would have celebrated this baby somehow, maybe a fancy photoshoot or something.

shakes · July 2012

ali_bl-nov05:

Scout2005:
who cares if she has three other kids under the age of 5 ALL BABIES DESERVE TO BE CELEBRATED YOU ASS

I really do believe this. Actually that is the reason why I agreed to a second baby shower. Why does it have to be only about the firstborn? I am as excited to be expecting as I was the firts time. Gift or no gift I would have celebrated this baby somehow, maybe a fancy photoshoot or something.

To a point. I don't think it's right to register for second babies if first baby is still young, all the stuff they got is still perfectly fine for new baby.

kllrbnny · July 2012

ali_bl-nov05:

Scout2005:
who cares if she has three other kids under the age of 5 ALL BABIES DESERVE TO BE CELEBRATED YOU ASS

I really do believe this. Actually that is the reason why I agreed to a second baby shower. Why does it have to be only about the firstborn? I am as excited to be expecting as I was the firts time. Gift or no gift I would have celebrated this baby somehow, maybe a fancy photoshoot or something.

I think Scout was refering to the over-the-top parties with full on registries and MTBs that have 2yr olds who feel that they HAVE TO HAVE brand new everything or it means that nobody loves them and nobody even cares about this baby.

This is NOT every mom who has a shower for baby #2 etc, but there are more & more out there.

nurrieum · July 2012

I didn't even get to to go my baby shower. I was sent to the hospital that morning and it wasn't rescheduled. I ended up showing up after all but 2 people left- I opened my gifts and ate cake. I wrote every thank you note. I can not understand why someone would being upset that they got something off their registry. I don't think I got anything I registered for- I don't remember- I didn't care. Seriously- I must be completely sheltered because I can't believe people would act like that. The level of entitlement rather shocks me.

judahsmommy1 · July 2012

Book cards don't bug me that much because it's completely optional. Diaper raffles drive me crazy because if you don't bring a gift in addition to your gift then you are excluded from one of the activities of the shower - which sucks. My budget for a shower gift is usually about $20. I try to buy something practical and something fun with that. Buying diapers means that I would need to use at least half of my budget to buy diapers to be entered into a stupid raffle. Just no.

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