Anyone else deathly afraid of a M/C

IVFBeliever · June 2012

I have no history of M/C but my husband and I had to undergo IVF because ICSI was our only option bc my husband had a blockage after 2 failed vasectomy reversals.....M/C is devastating no matter what the circumstances, but we've spent ~$14,000 including the meds (we'll get about 3 back) and so I feel like almost an increased pressure for this to stick.

I'm so terrified. We went to babies r us while we were at the mall on Saturday and my husband has kids from a previous marriage and he was teaching me about everything we'd need and I really enjoyed it so so so much. I got so excited and it all finally felt real. I've been avoiding doing anything like this to not get my hopes up. It made it a really special day for me. I wanted to wait until 12 weeks, but we were there and I was in the mood.

That night I had a dream we M/C and were in the bathroom crying and I said it was because we went to babies r us and even referenced my first u/s tomorrow and said "hey maybe the bleeding will stop and the other embryo implanted as well". It was s real. It was so scary.

I'm 26, perfectly healthy, no history of M/C in my family, and DH either (he has 4 kids but they never had trouble). My doctor showed me the statistics from the American College of MEdicine that stated my chance for M/C at my age is ~11% (the overall statistic for women is between 20-25%)....

My husband keeps telling me we have an 89% chance everything goes perfectly.....but man it sure feels like less. Than I come on this board and see posts from women I've gotten to know over the last month that have M/C and I feel so sad for them and it scares me even more.

I don't stress about this 24/7 by any means, I try to stay as low stress as possible, but when things like that realistic dream happened, and I see posts on this board of women who just suffered a devastating loss, my heart aches.....

Any encouragement would be so so appreciated.

Also I really don't want to offend any women who have suffered previous losses, I am sure it is so much harder having gone through it before and now just hoping so badly that this one sticks...I don't want to come off the wrong way....this is my first time being pregnant and I'm scared....because I can only imagine what some of you have gone through.

RJM2012 · June 2012

I'm terrified, but I recently suffered a loss. I still have another week before my Dr. appt to verify everything is ok. Trying to keep busy but it's so hard not to over do it. Not to mention I have zero energy I'm so exhausted!

Here's to a happy & Healthy 9 months to all!

kleigh926 · June 2012

Yes, I worry about it as well. I am also young with no history of loss, but I think it's kind of impossible not to worry. I haven't really allowed myself to get excited yet for that very reason.

rockstarpups · June 2012

I'm not really sure what you want to hear, that you're not going to have a miscarriage? No one can predict that....they just happen and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

Yes I'm afraid of another miscarriage. But I already survived two losses, and I know I can survive another. I am trying really hard to not be offended by your post. If reading about other people's miscarriages upsets you, then stay off the internet.

kelly321 · June 2012

I think many pregnant women are afraid of miscarriages. It's a normal feeling, and there's no way to guarantee it won't happen to you, but worry won't help things, either. Do your best to enjoy your pregnancy.

JabberJay · June 2012

I can't even begin to explain how terrified I am of another loss. But, fear does not do anything to help - it just creates stress. I am trying my hardest to just enjoy every day of the pregnancy - however long or short that may be.

tdmd09 · June 2012

Eh. I try not to look at statistics anymore. According to this website: https://sites.google.com/site/miscarriageresearch/miscarriage-general

The chance of having a miscarriage is 17-22%. I've had two.

The chance of having a miscarriage after seeing a gestational sac is 12-15%. Again, I've had two.

The chance of having a miscarriage after seeing the heartbeat at 6 weeks is 9.4%. I've had one of these. Actually, my baby grew to 10w2d so my chance of miscarriage was 0.7% by that time.

Sometimes things happen that you can't control. There's not much (if anything) you can do to prevent a miscarriage and focusing on things like statistics isn't going to help, because someone always has to be on the other side of those statistics. Someone has to be in that 0.7%.

After two losses, I'm cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy because I HAVE to be, for my own mental and emotional well-being. But I'm certainly not leaving myself unprepared for what might happen, good or bad. I don't blame you for being scared (especially considering the cost of IVF), but you can't spend your whole pregnancy being deathly afraid, because it won't do you any good. Being scared won't make you miscarry, but being calm won't either. Sometimes it just happens. And it sucks, and it's devastating and I woudn't wish it on my worst enemy. But it happens.

Also, miscarriages aren't contagious, so just because other ladies on this board lose their babies doesn't mean you will lose yours as well. Every BMB I've been on there ends up being threads about "I don't like to read those miscarriage posts because they make me sad/scared" which ends up being really hurtful to the people who have had losses, because it makes it out like people who have had losses are some kind of leper that needs to be avoided. I'm not saying that's what you were implying, but I am saying that, again, miscarriages aren't contagious, they happen, they suck, and there's no point being absolutely paralyzed by the thought of it happening.

birdiecat · June 2012

I think this fear is a very natural one. I am scared and nervous too because it has taken me 3 years to get pregnant and I don't think it will seem real to me until a baby is in my arms. I think it's important to not read about statistics or get scared because other women on this board have had losses. Everybody's story is different but for most of us our fears are all the same, and it's important we support each other on this site through the good and the bad. Try to have faith this baby will stick and try to enjoy the process as best you can. That's what I'm trying to do anyway!

IVFBeliever · June 2012

rockstarpups:
I'm not really sure what you want to hear, that you're not going to have a miscarriage? No one can predict that....they just happen and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.
Yes I'm afraid of another miscarriage. But I already survived two losses, and I know I can survive another. I am trying really hard to not be offended by your post. If reading about other people's miscarriages upsets you, then stay off the internet.

Ok. Wow. Thanks for being so positive. My goodness. I was saying I was scared. Like no-one knows about this pregnancy except my husband and its hard when he's the only one to reassure me being positive...it's nice to have females perspectives and advice of what they do/not do/think about/focus on to combat being to stressed over the possibility. Nice to have people keep me in their Thoughts and prayers esp. because I haven't told anyone

I SPECIFICALLY SAID in my post I did not want to offend anyone who has had previous losses. As I had said, I can not even imagine, and my heart truly goes out to anyone who has had to endure that...people's strength through such hard times really inspire me.

I'm sorry but am I the only one who gets triggered about thinking about it when I read a post that I don't realize is going to be about M/C?

Have you ever been on and IVF support site. There are VERY SPECIFIC HEADINGS when people mention losses (usually saying *loss mentioned*) so that those that do not want to read about that don't have to.

I'm offended by YOUR post.

Sorry, guess I wasn't specific enough in that I'm a 1st time mother to be and that I'm fipping terrified and I was hoping for just a little female support and encouragement from others going through what I am.

I thought that's what this board is all about. Support for eachother.

Now that I know I'm just offending people maybe I'll just leave instead. Thanks

IVFBeliever · June 2012

tdmd09:
Eh. I try not to look at statistics anymore. According to this website: https://sites.google.com/site/miscarriageresearch/miscarriage-general
The chance of having a miscarriage is 17-22%. I've had two.
The chance of having a miscarriage after seeing a gestational sac is 12-15%. Again, I've had two.
The chance of having a miscarriage after seeing the heartbeat at 6 weeks is 9.4%. I've had one of these. Actually, my baby grew to 10w2d so my chance of miscarriage was 0.7% by that time.
Sometimes things happen that you can't control. There's not much (if anything) you can do to prevent a miscarriage and focusing on things like statistics isn't going to help, because someone always has to be on the other side of those statistics. Someone has to be in that 0.7%.
After two losses, I'm cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy because I HAVE to be, for my own mental and emotional well-being. But I'm certainly not leaving myself unprepared for what might happen, good or bad. I don't blame you for being scared (especially considering the cost of IVF), but you can't spend your whole pregnancy being deathly afraid, because it won't do you any good. Being scared won't make you miscarry, but being calm won't either. Sometimes it just happens. And it sucks, and it's devastating and I woudn't wish it on my worst enemy. But it happens.
Also, miscarriages aren't contagious, so just because other ladies on this board lose their babies doesn't mean you will lose yours as well. Every BMB I've been on there ends up being threads about "I don't like to read those miscarriage posts because they make me sad/scared" which ends up being really hurtful to the people who have had losses, because it makes it out like people who have had losses are some kind of leper that needs to be avoided. I'm not saying that's what you were implying, but I am saying that, again, miscarriages aren't contagious, they happen, they suck, and there's no point being absolutely paralyzed by the thought of it happening.

Thank you so so much for your encouragement. I think the combo of the ladies on this board, plus a close friend recently just makes me even more scared.

Thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences with me.....You're obviously such a strong person.....

And no I definitely do not every EVER want to imply that about posts about M/C, it's just been since the past few days I'm approaching my first u/s there seemed to have been so many and it just made me extra scared thats all....

rockstarpups · June 2012

IVFBeliever:
rockstarpups:
I'm not really sure what you want to hear, that you're not going to have a miscarriage? No one can predict that....they just happen and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.
Yes I'm afraid of another miscarriage. But I already survived two losses, and I know I can survive another. I am trying really hard to not be offended by your post. If reading about other people's miscarriages upsets you, then stay off the internet.
Ok. Wow. Thanks for being so positive. My goodness. I was saying I was scared. Like no-one knows about this pregnancy except my husband and its hard when he's the only one to reassure me being positive...it's nice to have females perspectives and advice of what they do/not do/think about/focus on to combat being to stressed over the possibility. Nice to have people keep me in their Thoughts and prayers esp. because I haven't told anyone
I SPECIFICALLY SAID in my post I did not want to offend anyone who has had previous losses. As I had said, I can not even imagine, and my heart truly goes out to anyone who has had to endure that...people's strength through such hard times really inspire me.
I'm sorry but am I the only one who gets triggered about thinking about it when I read a post that I don't realize is going to be about M/C?
Have you ever been on and IVF support site. There are VERY SPECIFIC HEADINGS when people mention losses (usually saying *loss mentioned*) so that those that do not want to read about that don't have to.
I'm offended by YOUR post.
Sorry, guess I wasn't specific enough in that I'm a 1st time mother to be and that I'm fipping terrified and I was hoping for just a little female support and encouragement from others going through what I am.
I thought that's what this board is all about. Support for eachother.
Now that I know I'm just offending people maybe I'll just leave instead. Thanks

Everyone is scared, and if they aren't it's because they probably aren't aware of how common miscarriages are. But to go on and on about how terrified you are of something that a lot of women have already experienced or are experiencing now is insensitive. We have experienced your worst nightmare, and I sincerely hope that you don't experience the incredible pain of a loss. It's up to you to control your anxiety, and of you find that reading posts about losses makes you worry more, then don't read them! The posts are usually pretty easy to figure out, FYI. I disagree that women should have to label their posts as "loss mentioned" because it further isolates them from support they need. Miscarriage is something that many women suffer from in silence, and it isn't something that a woman should be ashamed of, it is an unfortunate fact of life.

One of the things I do to control my anxiety is to journal. I set aside a specific time everyday where I write down my worries. And I don't let myself worry other times, I save it for when I journal. You can't let your anxiety about a potential loss ruin your experience. The mantra is "today I am pregnant and I love my baby"

IVFBeliever · June 2012

rockstarpups:
IVFBeliever:
rockstarpups:
I'm not really sure what you want to hear, that you're not going to have a miscarriage? No one can predict that....they just happen and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.
Yes I'm afraid of another miscarriage. But I already survived two losses, and I know I can survive another. I am trying really hard to not be offended by your post. If reading about other people's miscarriages upsets you, then stay off the internet.
Ok. Wow. Thanks for being so positive. My goodness. I was saying I was scared. Like no-one knows about this pregnancy except my husband and its hard when he's the only one to reassure me being positive...it's nice to have females perspectives and advice of what they do/not do/think about/focus on to combat being to stressed over the possibility. Nice to have people keep me in their Thoughts and prayers esp. because I haven't told anyone
I SPECIFICALLY SAID in my post I did not want to offend anyone who has had previous losses. As I had said, I can not even imagine, and my heart truly goes out to anyone who has had to endure that...people's strength through such hard times really inspire me.
I'm sorry but am I the only one who gets triggered about thinking about it when I read a post that I don't realize is going to be about M/C?
Have you ever been on and IVF support site. There are VERY SPECIFIC HEADINGS when people mention losses (usually saying *loss mentioned*) so that those that do not want to read about that don't have to.
I'm offended by YOUR post.
Sorry, guess I wasn't specific enough in that I'm a 1st time mother to be and that I'm fipping terrified and I was hoping for just a little female support and encouragement from others going through what I am.
I thought that's what this board is all about. Support for eachother.
Now that I know I'm just offending people maybe I'll just leave instead. Thanks
Everyone is scared, and if they aren't it's because they probably aren't aware of how common miscarriages are. But to go on and on about how terrified you are of something that a lot of women have already experienced or are experiencing now is insensitive. We have experienced your worst nightmare, and I sincerely hope that you don't experience the incredible pain of a loss. It's up to you to control your anxiety, and of you find that reading posts about losses makes you worry more, then don't read them! The posts are usually pretty easy to figure out, FYI. I disagree that women should have to label their posts as "loss mentioned" because it further isolates them from support they need. Miscarriage is something that many women suffer from in silence, and it isn't something that a woman should be ashamed of, it is an unfortunate fact of life.
One of the things I do to control my anxiety is to journal. I set aside a specific time everyday where I write down my worries. And I don't let myself worry other times, I save it for when I journal. You can't let your anxiety about a potential loss ruin your experience. The mantra is "today I am pregnant and I love my baby"

Well thats the kind of advice I'm talking about...thank you for sharing that and that mantra.

I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels this way about being in a nervous state of mind sometimes and sometimes extra sensitive so reading the m/c posts are hard...I know not nearly as hard as having them...But when you're trying to be positive and not think about it and it pops up it sometimes spirals in your head.....maybe I'm the only one brave enough to say it even though it may not be a popular opinion.

I do support all the women who have mentioned they've suffered losses when I've read their posts and offered them T's&P's.....and very genuinely so. I don't think anyone should ever suffer in silence, and I never ever suggested that. I simply mentioned on my IVF board there are women who suffered M/C's and are aware that there are many women reading who have suffered losses or gone through so many fertility treatments and are maybe not in a good state to read them and are trying so desperately to keep + and keep their stress level down so their pregnancy sticks and so they post that there is a loss mentioned......so that those that are strong enough to give support can, and those that can't at the moment can wait until a time they feel strong enough to.

izzyjenni · June 2012

I will quote some very wise women that helped calm me when I was worried with my first. Embrace and cherish the baby growing inside you now. M/C are beyond your control and adding stress to your body right now will not help. Just breathe and think about the gift you've given. Don't worry about tomorrow, you are pregnant today. Cherish that.

juepnunes · June 2012

I'm very optimistic about it, but my DH doesn't like to celebrate it until the 8-10 weeks. We are keeping it private until our 1st u/s at week 8. Try to don't stress too much over it, as we have no control. Just pray the baby will stick and for a healthy pregnancy. Good luck everyone!

IVFBeliever · June 2012

izzyjenni:
I will quote some very wise women that helped calm me when I was worried with my first. Embrace and cherish the baby growing inside you now. M/C are beyond your control and adding stress to your body right now will not help. Just breathe and think about the gift you've given. Don't worry about tomorrow, you are pregnant today. Cherish that.

That is absolutely beautiful. I thank you so so much. I've had a very difficult evening because of personal reasons on top of the pregnancy worry and your post made me smile. I really really really am thankful for what you shared....it's incredibly beautiful....I feel like my BP already dropped a bit !

Shayliz · June 2012

IVFBeliever:
rockstarpups:
I'm not really sure what you want to hear, that you're not going to have a miscarriage? No one can predict that....they just happen and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.
Yes I'm afraid of another miscarriage. But I already survived two losses, and I know I can survive another. I am trying really hard to not be offended by your post. If reading about other people's miscarriages upsets you, then stay off the internet.
Ok. Wow. Thanks for being so positive. My goodness. I was saying I was scared. Like no-one knows about this pregnancy except my husband and its hard when he's the only one to reassure me being positive...it's nice to have females perspectives and advice of what they do/not do/think about/focus on to combat being to stressed over the possibility. Nice to have people keep me in their Thoughts and prayers esp. because I haven't told anyone
I SPECIFICALLY SAID in my post I did not want to offend anyone who has had previous losses. As I had said, I can not even imagine, and my heart truly goes out to anyone who has had to endure that...people's strength through such hard times really inspire me.
I'm sorry but am I the only one who gets triggered about thinking about it when I read a post that I don't realize is going to be about M/C?
Have you ever been on and IVF support site. There are VERY SPECIFIC HEADINGS when people mention losses (usually saying *loss mentioned*) so that those that do not want to read about that don't have to.
I'm offended by YOUR post.
Sorry, guess I wasn't specific enough in that I'm a 1st time mother to be and that I'm fipping terrified and I was hoping for just a little female support and encouragement from others going through what I am.
I thought that's what this board is all about. Support for eachother.
Now that I know I'm just offending people maybe I'll just leave instead. Thanks

Wow, way to over react wall-o-text.

rockstarpups · June 2012

JRomeH:
This post rubs me the wrong way so much. There are women in here who truly have suffered, and we are all terrified, But I can't say that I've seen any of us express that here. Your complaining is like a slap in the face to me.

agree!

IVFBeliever · June 2012

juepnunes:
I'm very optimistic about it, but my DH doesn't like to celebrate it until the 8-10 weeks. We are keeping it private until our 1st u/s at week 8. Try to don't stress too much over it, as we have no control. Just pray the baby will stick and for a healthy pregnancy. Good luck everyone!

Thank you so much! PS your daughter is adorable. I shared her pic with my DH and we both agree she's one of the cutest kids ever

Aegis2005 · June 2012

I understand the fear of having spent thousands of dollars, undergone hundreds of injections and too many dates with the dildo cam - only to have it end in a miscarriage - because I've lived through it. It sucks.

Am I scared that it will happen again?

Absolutely.

Will I ever feel "safe" in a pregnancy?

No, not until I'm holding a baby in my arms.

I know it could happen again. The best thing I can do, for me, is to keep myself busy so that I don't obsess over it - because worry won't change the outcome of whether this pregnancy does or doesn't stick. For me, that I means I have a list of lots of projects I've been meaning to do, but have put off.

Wishing you the best of luck in your upcoming ultrasound.

IVFBeliever · June 2012

JRomeH:
This post rubs me the wrong way so much. There are women in here who truly have suffered, and we are all terrified, But I can't say that I've seen any of us express that here. Your complaining is like a slap in the face to me.

That's exactly what I didn't want. Which is why i specifically added a disclaimer at the end of my post. I am terrified because I empathize with what you and other people I know personally have gone through m/c's. I have never experienced it, I have only been close to those that have and I realized second hand how truely devastating it is which is WHY I am so much more worried.

I'm sorry I don't understand how this is a slap in the face for you when it is me being honest about how I am feeling because I have been told what a loss is like. What multiple losses are like.... it scares me so much. How is that a slap in the face for you? Like I don't have the right to be scared and seek out encouragement and positivity just because I haven't personally suffered a loss? Just because I haven't had one I can't admit to being terrified of one?

I am truly sorry for any losses and difficulties you have experienced. I hope you will never ever have to again.

The fact that I have not experienced this but am scared should not be viewed as offensive or a slap in the face....like what the heck???

IVFBeliever · June 2012

Aegis2005:
I understand the fear of having spent thousands of dollars, undergone hundreds of injections and too many dates with the dildo cam - only to have it end in a miscarriage - because I've lived through it. It sucks.

Am I scared that it will happen again?

Absolutely.

Will I ever feel "safe" in a pregnancy?

No, not until I'm holding a baby in my arms.

I know it could happen again. The best thing I can do, for me, is to keep myself busy so that I don't obsess over it - because worry won't change the outcome of whether this pregnancy does or doesn't stick. For me, that I means I have a list of lots of projects I've been meaning to do, but have put off.

Wishing you the best of luck in your upcoming ultrasound.

Thank you very much for sharing as well. I am thinking of taking up another hobby to take my mind off things...

Thank you for the luck

IVFBeliever · June 2012

Shayliz:
IVFBeliever:
rockstarpups:
I'm not really sure what you want to hear, that you're not going to have a miscarriage? No one can predict that....they just happen and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.
Yes I'm afraid of another miscarriage. But I already survived two losses, and I know I can survive another. I am trying really hard to not be offended by your post. If reading about other people's miscarriages upsets you, then stay off the internet.
Ok. Wow. Thanks for being so positive. My goodness. I was saying I was scared. Like no-one knows about this pregnancy except my husband and its hard when he's the only one to reassure me being positive...it's nice to have females perspectives and advice of what they do/not do/think about/focus on to combat being to stressed over the possibility. Nice to have people keep me in their Thoughts and prayers esp. because I haven't told anyone
I SPECIFICALLY SAID in my post I did not want to offend anyone who has had previous losses. As I had said, I can not even imagine, and my heart truly goes out to anyone who has had to endure that...people's strength through such hard times really inspire me.
I'm sorry but am I the only one who gets triggered about thinking about it when I read a post that I don't realize is going to be about M/C?
Have you ever been on and IVF support site. There are VERY SPECIFIC HEADINGS when people mention losses (usually saying *loss mentioned*) so that those that do not want to read about that don't have to.
I'm offended by YOUR post.
Sorry, guess I wasn't specific enough in that I'm a 1st time mother to be and that I'm fipping terrified and I was hoping for just a little female support and encouragement from others going through what I am.
I thought that's what this board is all about. Support for eachother.
Now that I know I'm just offending people maybe I'll just leave instead. Thanks
Wow, way to over react wall-o-text.

Sorry. Am I also the only one with pregnancy hormones? I'm sensitive. And I was upset about offending anyone because that was absolutely no where near my intentions. I wanted to clear it up. Thanks for the sarcasm though, that's always helpful isn't it?

IVFBeliever · June 2012

JRomeH:
This post rubs me the wrong way so much. There are women in here who truly have suffered, and we are all terrified, But I can't say that I've seen any of us express that here. Your complaining is like a slap in the face to me.

Alot of women have quoted their past problems in IF when introducing themselves, or in GTKY's, or when they update about the appointments they have or how nervous they are and how they're being cautiously optimisitc, how they're scared because they've never gotten past a certain milestone before.

And I don't view the women saying those things are complaining in the least! They are being open and honest about what they've gone through and their feelings and are reaching out for support and they get it.

Yet I voice how scared I am for a possible loss, and because I've never had one I'm being insensitive? That I'm complaining. I think alot of you are missing my point.

I guess if you haven't ever suffered a loss, and are really scared for that possibility you should keep your mouth shut and not seek out any positive encouragement from other women in a similar situation.

So please, take note the rest of you, unless you've gone through it, don't talk about it. Suffer the nervousness and anxiety in silence. Wouldn't want to be open and seek support for fear of being called out for being insensitive and/or complaining.

Yeesh. I really liked this board until tonight.

rockstarpups · June 2012

IVFBeliever:
JRomeH:
This post rubs me the wrong way so much. There are women in here who truly have suffered, and we are all terrified, But I can't say that I've seen any of us express that here. Your complaining is like a slap in the face to me.
That's exactly what I didn't want. Which is why i specifically added a disclaimer at the end of my post. I am terrified because I empathize with what you and other people I know personally have gone through m/c's. I have never experienced it, I have only been close to those that have and I realized second hand how truely devastating it is which is WHY I am so much more worried.
I'm sorry I don't understand how this is a slap in the face for you when it is me being honest about how I am feeling because I have been told what a loss is like. What multiple losses are like.... it scares me so much. How is that a slap in the face for you? Like I don't have the right to be scared and seek out encouragement and positivity just because I haven't personally suffered a loss? Just because I haven't had one I can't admit to being terrified of one?
I am truly sorry for any losses and difficulties you have experienced. I hope you will never ever have to again.
The fact that I have not experienced this but am scared should not be viewed as offensive or a slap in the face....like what the heck???

Just because you added your "disclaimer" doesn't mean it isn't offensive. Imagine if someone just starting to TTC said something to you like "OMG I am soon scared that we will have fertility challenges and we will need IVF, it is my worst nightmare and I'm so worried, please tell me something to make me feel better that it won't happen to me".

Wouldn't you be like, WTF? Someone complaining to you about something you've survived. To just go on and on about something you are so scared of, that hasn't even happened to you is bordering on ridiculous. Many, many women here have already experienced your worst fears, and we survived. I hope it doesn't happen to you, but if it does, you will survive.

And also to insinuate that it's more important that this pregnancy be successful because of the money you spent is also offensive. I guess if I had spent more money on my last pregnancy I wouldn't have lost it. Instead, I spent that money on a D&C and MONTHS of follow ups and consults and bloodwork every week, being absolutely terrified and heartbroken, and crying so much I couldn't function.

Anyway, I don't think you really understand where I'm coming from. It's like you're expecting people to console you about something that hasn't even happened, when they are the ones that are hurting. Miscarriage is a pain that never goes away.

IVFBeliever · June 2012

Ladies, I never said people who are suffering shouldn't post and get support. I mentioned it was hard for me the last couple days as I am anxious for an appointment and they have affected me even more so than usual. Oh my goodness. Sorry for offending everyone. I wish you all the best of luck, and a very happy and extremely healthy 9 months, but for me this is it.

If this is going to be the kind of board it has turned out to be, I don't want to be a part of it. I was having a hard time the last couple days, scared, nervous, and seeking support. I never wanted to offend anyone. ANYONE. I never intended to discount anyones feelings or anyones experiences. And I have voiced that over and over in this post.

I didn't realize it would be perceived as so incredibly insensitive to mention I was so worried and anxious and afraid just because I personally hadn't suffered a loss and this was my first time. Like, I just don't know what to expect.

I thought this forum was for support. Somewhere I could turn when I needed to talk with other women experiencing what I had been experiencing. Somewhere I could go for positivity, thoughts and prayers, and to connect with other women going through this beautiful journey sharing ups and downs.

Thank you so much to ALL of you who have given me so much support. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I really can't. It's been a great 4 weeks until now ladies...

Best of luck to all....sticky thoughts to all....nothing but positivity to ALL

breathlife · June 2012

izzyjenni:
I will quote some very wise women that helped calm me when I was worried with my first. Embrace and cherish the baby growing inside you now. M/C are beyond your control and adding stress to your body right now will not help. Just breathe and think about the gift you've given. Don't worry about tomorrow, you are pregnant today. Cherish that.

Amen !! I like this

izzyjenni · June 2012

IVFBeliever:
JRomeH:
This post rubs me the wrong way so much. There are women in here who truly have suffered, and we are all terrified, But I can't say that I've seen any of us express that here. Your complaining is like a slap in the face to me.
Alot of women have quoted their past problems in IF when introducing themselves, or in GTKY's, or when they update about the appointments they have or how nervous they are and how they're being cautiously optimisitc, how they're scared because they've never gotten past a certain milestone before.
And I don't view the women saying those things are complaining in the least! They are being open and honest about what they've gone through and their feelings and are reaching out for support and they get it.
Yet I voice how scared I am for a possible loss, and because I've never had one I'm being insensitive? That I'm complaining. I think alot of you are missing my point.
I guess if you haven't ever suffered a loss, and are really scared for that possibility you should keep your mouth shut and not seek out any positive encouragement from other women in a similar situation.
So please, take note the rest of you, unless you've gone through it, don't talk about it. Suffer the nervousness and anxiety in silence. Wouldn't want to be open and seek support for fear of being called out for being insensitive and/or complaining.
Yeesh. I really liked this board until tonight.

Please reread what I wrote. I have been on this site for years since trying to conceive my first. I was flamed for some things I wrote when I first started posting. I was told to put my big girl pants on many times. Now with my second and being more firm on this board, I let things roll now when posting here. All of us have the fear, whether we've had a loss or not. And no, I don't think you are being selfish...just overwhelmed. Even today I'll read or see a story about a child getting hurt and immediately think of my son and worry. Welcome to motherhood. You will worry for the rest of your life!

IVFBeliever · June 2012

rockstarpups:
IVFBeliever:
JRomeH:
This post rubs me the wrong way so much. There are women in here who truly have suffered, and we are all terrified, But I can't say that I've seen any of us express that here. Your complaining is like a slap in the face to me.
That's exactly what I didn't want. Which is why i specifically added a disclaimer at the end of my post. I am terrified because I empathize with what you and other people I know personally have gone through m/c's. I have never experienced it, I have only been close to those that have and I realized second hand how truely devastating it is which is WHY I am so much more worried.
I'm sorry I don't understand how this is a slap in the face for you when it is me being honest about how I am feeling because I have been told what a loss is like. What multiple losses are like.... it scares me so much. How is that a slap in the face for you? Like I don't have the right to be scared and seek out encouragement and positivity just because I haven't personally suffered a loss? Just because I haven't had one I can't admit to being terrified of one?
I am truly sorry for any losses and difficulties you have experienced. I hope you will never ever have to again.
The fact that I have not experienced this but am scared should not be viewed as offensive or a slap in the face....like what the heck???
Just because you added your "disclaimer" doesn't mean it isn't offensive. Imagine if someone just starting to TTC said something to you like "OMG I am soon scared that we will have fertility challenges and we will need IVF, it is my worst nightmare and I'm so worried, please tell me something to make me feel better that it won't happen to me".
Wouldn't you be like, WTF? Someone complaining to you about something you've survived. To just go on and on about something you are so scared of, that hasn't even happened to you is bordering on ridiculous. Many, many women here have already experienced your worst fears, and we survived. I hope it doesn't happen to you, but if it does, you will survive.
And also to insinuate that it's more important that this pregnancy be successful because of the money you spent is also offensive. I guess if I had spent more money on my last pregnancy I wouldn't have lost it. Instead, I spent that money on a D&C and MONTHS of follow ups and consults and bloodwork every week, being absolutely terrified and heartbroken, and crying so much I couldn't function.
Anyway, I don't think you really understand where I'm coming from. It's like you're expecting people to console you about something that hasn't even happened, when they are the ones that are hurting. Miscarriage is a pain that never goes away.

I was not insinuating my pregnancy is more important than another. My DH and I do not have money for another round and this was our only option, we spent every last dime on IVF and that's why I feel the pressure to stick....because I don't know when we'd ever have the means to try again.

Also I HAVE had someone ask me about IVF and how she is afraid of it and doesn't want to have to go through it etc etc etc and how she's heard it's so horrible and not once did I bat an eyelash and get upset. I immediately reassured her and told her about other options I'd gone through and researched and tried to be positive about the fact that yes, it's not pleasent but the outcome is incredible. It did not offend me in the slightest even though I had a hard time going through it all. I guess I just have a thick skin.

I wasn't expecting any one to console me about something that hasn't happened. Read my post. I was looking for some encouragement. I wanted to know 'hey, am I alone here? and what do you do to deal with the worry that has helped"

I'm sorry that you have had to go through what you have. I truly am. And I would never view you as posting about your IF problems or M/C history as complaining. I would view you as someone looking for support and I would have supported you.

I didn't want a hand hold, a cookie.....I just wanted to know I wasn't alone....

DachsieMama123 · June 2012

I understand how you feel and I know you didn't mean to offend. I've never suffered a loss either (this is my very first pregnancy). But like you, I know many people who have miscarried and though we certainly don't know how they feel, it's impossible not to be afraid. We all are. I just wanted to specifically mention one thing about your post, just for future reference. When you talk about not having any risk factors (being 26, no history of losses, etc) and recite the statistics, it sounds like you're saying, "at least I haven't had losses" or (to me) "at least I'm not advanced maternal age." Again, I know you didn't mean to offend, but maybe this is one reason people might take offense. I wish you the best of luck, and look forward to lots of future posts detailing a healthy pregnancy!

izzyjenni · June 2012

Ok seriously. Aren't we all scared? Don't you worry every day? But let's be honest, when writing things online and not speaking directly to someone, anything can be taken the wrong way. I believe the op was speaking from a heartfelt place and didn't mean to offend anyone. That's why I wear my big girl pants on this board!

birdiecat · June 2012

I think some of you are being unfair in this post. Your catty remarks are much more offensive to me than anything the original poster could have said. And yes, I have experienced loss- does this make me part of some special club where I'm the only one allowed to talk about it? I'm glad to ease this woman's concerns in any way I can- woman to woman. That's the kind of fellowship I prefer.

IVFBeliever · June 2012

birdiecat:
I think some of you are being unfair in this post. Your catty remarks are much more offensive to me than anything the original poster could have said. And yes, I have experienced loss- does this make me part of some special club where I'm the only one allowed to talk about it? I'm glad to ease this woman's concerns in any way I can- woman to woman. That's the kind of fellowship I prefer.

Oh my goodness thank you so much!!!! Thank you SO much.

I'm trying to explain myself and just be honest about my feelings, and I'm just getting killed here. I really appreciate you saying something. I just never ever ever ever meant to offend or discount anyone's experiences. It's BECAUSE of those experiences I am aware of and empathetic to that I am worried. I'm just friggin scared. And Hormonal. This board has been great for m/s tips, and advice about good cravings and aversions and other symptoms, other fears, other worries. I didn't realize how negatively my post would be taken.... I'm so sorry if anyone feels I've offended them or belittled their experiences....I really truly am. I try to always be positive here and that's what i was kind of hoping for with this....

Thanks for being there for me--woman to woman. That's what I prefer as well. Hugs!

IVFBeliever · June 2012

bethparr1979:
I understand how you feel and I know you didn't mean to offend. I've never suffered a loss either (this is my very first pregnancy). But like you, I know many people who have miscarried and though we certainly don't know how they feel, it's impossible not to be afraid. We all are. I just wanted to specifically mention one thing about your post, just for future reference. When you talk about not having any risk factors (being 26, no history of losses, etc) and recite the statistics, it sounds like you're saying, "at least I haven't had losses" or (to me) "at least I'm not advanced maternal age." Again, I know you didn't mean to offend, but maybe this is one reason people might take offense. I wish you the best of luck, and look forward to lots of future posts detailing a healthy pregnancy!

Sorry I definitely didn't want it to come across that way. I just meant to give a background of my medical history and what my RE had shared with me. Thank you for pointing that out. Again I apologize if that came across that way.

southrnbellmeg7 · June 2012

I think the OP comes off a bit offensive to those of us who have had a loss, (I know & I read that this wasn't her intent) but honestly it's really naive to assume that this wouldn't upset someone.

It's normal to be afraid I think every woman in the world is terrified until that precious gift is breathing and laying in your arms. I really hope for you & DH that LO sticks and you never have to experience the loss of a LO, that most of us have.

IVFBeliever · June 2012

southrnbellmeg7:
I think the OP comes off a bit offensive to those of us who have had a loss, (I know & I read that this wasn't her intent) but honestly it's really naive to assume that this wouldn't upset someone.

It's normal to be afraid I think every woman in the world is terrified until that precious gift is breathing and laying in your arms. I really hope for you & DH that LO sticks and you never have to experience the loss of a LO, that most of us have.

....thanks for your positive words...

I thought if anything the women who have gone through it could give some advice or tips about how they may deal with not having so much anxiety...I seriously didn't think it would cause so many problems...I was trying to be honest about what I was feeling.

southrnbellmeg7 · June 2012

IVFBeliever:
southrnbellmeg7:

I think the OP comes off a bit offensive to those of us who have had a loss, (I know & I read that this wasn't her intent) but honestly it's really naive to assume that this wouldn't upset someone.

It's normal to be afraid I think every woman in the world is terrified until that precious gift is breathing and laying in your arms. I really hope for you & DH that LO sticks and you never have to experience the loss of a LO, that most of us have.

....thanks for your positive words...

I thought if anything the women who have gone through it could give some advice or tips about how they may deal with not having so much anxiety...I seriously didn't think it would cause so many problems...I was trying to be honest about what I was feeling.

I wouldn't dwell on it, your intentions were good just the words were very easy to take the wrong way. But no reason to cause yourself unecessary stress, enjoy being PG and enjoy your LO.

IVFBeliever · June 2012

southrnbellmeg7:
IVFBeliever:
southrnbellmeg7:

I think the OP comes off a bit offensive to those of us who have had a loss, (I know & I read that this wasn't her intent) but honestly it's really naive to assume that this wouldn't upset someone.

It's normal to be afraid I think every woman in the world is terrified until that precious gift is breathing and laying in your arms. I really hope for you & DH that LO sticks and you never have to experience the loss of a LO, that most of us have.

....thanks for your positive words...

I thought if anything the women who have gone through it could give some advice or tips about how they may deal with not having so much anxiety...I seriously didn't think it would cause so many problems...I was trying to be honest about what I was feeling.

I wouldn't dwell on it, your intentions were good just the words were very easy to take the wrong way. But no reason to cause yourself unecessary stress, enjoy being PG and enjoy your LO.

Thank you for saying that. I wish you the best

NechamaChayim · June 2012

birdiecat:
I think some of you are being unfair in this post. Your catty remarks are much more offensive to me than anything the original poster could have said. And yes, I have experienced loss- does this make me part of some special club where I'm the only one allowed to talk about it? I'm glad to ease this woman's concerns in any way I can- woman to woman. That's the kind of fellowship I prefer.

Yes, I would have to agree. I read the OP and didn't find it at all offensive. The girl is is scared. This might be her one shot and she already knows that miscarriages are really difficult. I had a miscarriage over two years ago and I'm just now pregnant again. The OP's post did not offend me in the least.

She was not inferring that if we spend money on our pregnancies we would not have miscarried. She's saying she won't get to try again. Period. I miscarried. We tried again and now I'm pregnant. If I miscarry this time, we'll keep trying. She is saying she won't be able to try again. I personally think that would be a difficult position and I understand why she would be nervous.

abelch2 · June 2012

I'm so sorry you are scared. We're all scared.

You are free to post whatever you'd like, if someone doesn't agree with it or they are offended by it, then that's their problem. Ignore them.

mamasmurf12 · June 2012

OP: We're all pregnant here and terrified of the exact same thing. Some are more terrified because they have already experienced loss(es). I don't think there's anything wrong with voicing your concerns/ fears. It's difficult not to be scared, when the future of your pregnancy is so unknown. Most of us will not relax until our babies are in our arms (and then we will have other fears). I saw your other post, and I really hope you don't leave as there are more people who responded with encouraging words than there are people who were offended.

To those who were offended: I was taken aback by your responses as I had started to think this forum was different than most I've seen. I apologize if I am being insensitive or harsh here. I am only trying to defend what is a very normal post for any pregnancy board.

My DH lost his mom suddenly when he was 22 years old. Do you think, if my mother was sick or in a precarious position where there was even the slightest chance something could happen to her, that he would begrudge that I was terrified of something happening? Is someone who has survived a plane crash angry at the person who has a fear of flying? Come on ladies, we're ALL scared here...and since you've experienced it you may even feel that fear even more b/c you know stats don't really matter. I am really baffled at how her post is offensive. She said she was so sad for those who had losses, and that she respects such strong women who have come through adversity. I know I can't speak for y'all, but I just really don't understand it. I have never seen someone who has gone through hell get angry at someone for fearing the same thing. Wouldn't you, if you were in her shoes? Haven't you?

Sorry, sometimes a nerve gets struck and the soap box just slides right under me :-/. I really don't hold anything against anyone here, I just felt she should be defended.

roundtheworldgirl · June 2012

DC2London:
My m/c was utterly devastating. There were days when I wasn't sure how I was going to pick up the pieces. In your situation, I think I would be even more terrified because of everything you had to go through to get pregnant. To be completely frank, we have gotten pregnant very easily three times (I'm so sorry if that sounds mean, I do not intend for it to at all), and I know that there are many couples for whom it is not that easy. All miscarriages are horrible and tremendously painful, but I think in the case of losing a hard-won pregnancy there is an extra degree of heart ache. ((((hugs)))) I really hope everything is ok for you.

I agree with all of this. I've had two losses and the first, in particular, was horrible and caused me miserable heartache that I carried around with me for an entire year until I got pregnant again. But like pp, I also don't have worries about getting pregnant (just staying pregnant - at this point we are only batting .500), and I do see how the fear could be magnified when it took so much just to get pregnant.

It's hard, but try not to stress - it will just make the waiting seem longer. With my second pregnancy, after I'd already lost one, the wait until 2nd tri was agonizingly slow. I tried to take things day to day and focus on non-pregnancy-related milestones for the first couple months. I also wish you the best.

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