What was supposed to be our 4 year "anniversary" is tomorrow.

Kaeldrasmommy · June 2012

jobalchak:
dmndsr4eva:
jobalchak:
dmndsr4eva:
panicked228:
dmndsr4eva:

xmaryrickx:
I would absolutely say something to him. He loved you once, I am sure this day holds a special place in his heart just like it does yours. Never know, maybe it will spark something between you two and you can work it out.

Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell? Well if you are being serious I appreciate the sentiment. Although I fully realize we are past the point of no return. Way too many hurtful things have been done and said by us and our families.  I probably won't mention it as I know the only reason I wanted to do it was to try to piss him off or make him realize what a fool he was. Which as everyone pointed out probably won't happen.

Though as a side note he sent me a text the other day telling me congratulations that I had completely made him broke because he had to start paying me full cs plus back pay in May.  I don't know why he bothered because I don't feel one ounce sorry for him.

He doesn't want you to feel sorry for him. He wants you to know that he thinks your a b*tch. Seriously, get some counseling because you need to move on. Your child doesn't come from a "broken home." He comes from two loving parents who just couldn't be together anymore. That's not a horrible thing. I'd rather have two divorced parents who love me separately than two married parents who fight constantly. You are really only damaging yourself and your son by keeping this anger and resentment alive.

LOL, really? I am a b*tch because I took him to court for the money that the law entitles me too? Money that is to support his child. Because when he dumped me I was only working 20 hours a week? Yeah that really makes me the devil.

I don't know if your parents are divorced or not? My parents are and I can tell you that coming from a divorced family no matter what the circumstance has very real challenges. For example, they will always miss the parent they are not with. It is very common for children to fantasize about their parents getting back together. These are very REAL emotions. So you can sugar coat it however you want but I know from my own life experience it is hard and sad at times.

And P.S. it is YOU'RE not YOUR.

Yes, it's true that some chlidren from divorce fantasize about their parents getting back together. This is especially common among children who were of grade school age when their parents divorced. Your son is now 2 yrs old, right? Therefore he has no memories whatsoever of you and your Ex being together. None. He's going to grow up never knowing any different. My husband and BM were never married and were already broken up when she discovered she was pregnant. K has zero memories of them together and now at the age of 6 she has flat out said she doesn't want them together. As she put it, "If Mommy and Daddy were to get married, then I wouldn't have Mama Jo or my brother or sister". Kids are resilient. They adapt to these situations.

I think the issue here isn't your son one day fantasizing about Mommy and Daddy getting back together one day, it's that you can't seem to let go and move on. Which is something your son needs you to do.

I personally think you are the one who needs a reality check. Look at the comments on this video and the other videos of this same song. These children are hurting. And it doesn't matter if their parents divorced or broke up when they were two years old or 12 years old. The comments speak for themselves.

And my son will be taught that the reason he was born was because his parents loved eachother. And BTW I have his first year baby book with over a hundred pictures of me and his dad together. And he will know that he was born into a loving relationship. I will not hide that from him.

https://youtu.be/sJgPonBWOFY

Two Houses by Matthew West

Wow. You really don't get it. This post started as YOU wanting to mention to your ex that tomorrow is some date that is only significant to you, and now it has turned into you claiming that this "broken family" issue is going to traumatize your son for life. And nowhere in this thread have you owned the fact that you have not let go and moved on. All these ladies are telling you to get help with moving on. Everyone has agreed that children hurt from divorce, but how they handle it growing up will be a direct reflection of how their parents act. Your ex has moved on and is in a relationship. You are still pining away for someone who you claim has treated you horribly and abandoned you. Your son is going to grow up resenting his father because you cannot let go.

The person here who needs a reality check (and a therapist) is you. You seem to have this idea that your son would be better off in a home where his biological parents hate each other and are miserable, but are at least together.  I'd love to see some random youtube video you manage to find that showcases how children from unhappy homes feel.

Jobal I love you. Seriously. I agree that the parents attitude plays the biggest part. My parents split when I was 2 and my mom never made it seem like anything was lacking. And it very rarely was.

karatechrissy · June 2012

I've said this to you before. You HAVE.TO.LET.THIS.GO. this is unhealthy for you. You obviously still have a hang up on your ex. Either get over him, or stop stringing the guy you are with along. It isn't fair to him. Yor ex has clearly moved on. All 'mentioning' this to him is going to do is show him YOU AREN'T OVER IT YET. And he and the 'new chick' are going to have a grand time giggling about it. Don't say a word. Let it go. Have you started counseling yet?

kali55 · June 2012

I feel very badly for you OP. You've gotten enough good advice in this thread so I'll offer a prayer that you find a way to be free from any and all negativity you feel towards your ex.

xmaryrickx · June 2012

Why did you two break up? Were you two married?

DorisWE · June 2012

xmaryrickx:
Why did you two break up? Were you two married?

If memory serves, they were not married and he cheated on her with his "plastic" girlfriend, whom he's still with. She's not going to listen to anyone....people have been telling her forever to get into therapy and work on herself...but she ignores that and continues to stir up drama with her X.

Liz4444 · June 2012

dmndsr4eva:
Rhenna:
PrettyInPearls23:

I will gladly call you crazy.

You're still in a relationship with current BF, no? Why are you still pining over what "should've been" with your EX when you're supposed to be happy with this other person. You do NOT belong in a relationship if you still have so much anger and resentment towards your ex.

My XH is still with the woman he had an affair with. I stopped pining over my broken family about 3 months after he left. From what I know, his GF is wonderful to DS and that is what matters to me. You just need to get it through your head that your relationship with your EX is OVER. Now, focus on your #1 priority which is your DS. I never hear you talk about him. All you ever talk about is your BF's daughter or your EX and his plastic GF. You seriously need to reprioritize your life. Stat.

Agreed. I feel really bad for your current boyfriend.

Also, if you don't let this go you are going to push your own child away. The way you post here makes me believe that when your child is old enough you will be laying all of this on his poor shoulders. As in, look at what your awful father did to your poor mother. All that is going to do is drive your child away. Let it go NOW, for your poor child's sake.

Well lucky for me I have a few years to get over things before my son realizes that he comes from a broken home. And FWIW his other ex seems to feel the same way I do and her two teenage daughters know it and I can assure you that she is so incredibly close to her daughters. So your theory doesn't work everytime. Especially since they grew up with their dad getting a new wife or girlfriend every three years.

So, according to you he's done this more than once. More than twice it seems like. So, knowing this, why did you get together with and procreate with this gem of a man?

BTW, being close with your kids doesn't mean you aren't screwing them up. I have a friend who is incredibly close with her mother, who is divorced from her father and loves to tell her what a schmuck he is. As much as I love my friend, she is incredibly fcuked up and it has everything to do with her close relationship with her mother.

DorisWE · June 2012

wendilea:

xmaryrickx:
Why did you two break up? Were you two married?

PP posted the reported story, but my guess is he smelled the crazy and got out while he could.

I like your version better!!!!

booklover75 · June 2012

Honey, I wouldn't call you crazy. I would call you certifiably mental! You are a stage 5 clinger. Move on. If you don't your son will see you as a toxic person in his life. I agree with PP, your ex smelled your crazy and ran.

Nineoceans · June 2012

Honestly Hun your ex sounds like a loser. Many smart, beautiful women make smart, beautiful babies with losers and then they move on to marry men who deserve to have them later on and raise their kids in happy two parent homes.

You will never inspire him to be more than a loser. What you can do is work on your own happily ever after without him. Lots of luck to you!

Kitttkattt · June 2012

Divorce is terrible for children. That doesn't give you the right to act inappropriate. Remember he's some one else's man now and you are the crazy inappropriate ex they have to put up with cuz their scared access to the kid will be cut off. Do you want to be that person? Or do you want to be the normal polite ex? My H ex wife is inappropriate. She babbles on and on about things that have nothing to do with their daughter. To me, she has no boundaries with married men. That's my husband. She can run her mouth all she wants. Her day is coming when the child will be an adult and I guess she will have to find another man to be inappropriate with.

Littlejen22 · June 2012

I did not read all the replies but you are not crazy to think families should stay together and it is sad when they break up. But anniversaries do not get celebrated when relationships break up. If you cannot move on yet you need to fake it until you can.

danac2010 · June 2012

I'm from a divorced family. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my sister was 3. She has no memory of them being together except pictures. She didn't pine away and hope they would get back together. Our mom remarried when I was almost 7 and my sister was almost 5. I remember then being together and us being "one big happy family" but I also remember the fights, the yelling, the wall hitting and to be honest I was glad when I had 2 happy homes to go too.

My mom NEVER talked bad about my dad and I didn't know he wasn't perfect until my teen years. Kids are smart. They learn from their parents. If you continue to say from a "broken home" and are bitter about your situation your son will pick up on that and it will come back to bite you in the @$$! He will either be a bitter child that hates his father and his father takes you to court for parent alientation or he wants to go live with his father full time to get away from your crazy, bitter, can't move on @$$. Grow up, get over it, get therapy and raise your son to truly believe he has the best life possible because he was born to 2 people that loved each other but because they love him more decided they shouldn't be together anymore.

katecham · June 2012

dmndsr4eva:
panicked228:
dmndsr4eva:

xmaryrickx:
I would absolutely say something to him. He loved you once, I am sure this day holds a special place in his heart just like it does yours. Never know, maybe it will spark something between you two and you can work it out.

Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell? Well if you are being serious I appreciate the sentiment. Although I fully realize we are past the point of no return. Way too many hurtful things have been done and said by us and our families. I probably won't mention it as I know the only reason I wanted to do it was to try to piss him off or make him realize what a fool he was. Which as everyone pointed out probably won't happen.

Though as a side note he sent me a text the other day telling me congratulations that I had completely made him broke because he had to start paying me full cs plus back pay in May. I don't know why he bothered because I don't feel one ounce sorry for him.

He doesn't want you to feel sorry for him. He wants you to know that he thinks your a b*tch. Seriously, get some counseling because you need to move on. Your child doesn't come from a "broken home." He comes from two loving parents who just couldn't be together anymore. That's not a horrible thing. I'd rather have two divorced parents who love me separately than two married parents who fight constantly. You are really only damaging yourself and your son by keeping this anger and resentment alive.

LOL, really? I am a b*tch because I took him to court for the money that the law entitles me too? Money that is to support his child. Because when he dumped me I was only working 20 hours a week? Yeah that really makes me the devil.

I don't know if your parents are divorced or not? My parents are and I can tell you that coming from a divorced family no matter what the circumstance has very real challenges. For example, they will always miss the parent they are not with. It is very common for children to fantasize about their parents getting back together. These are very REAL emotions. So you can sugar coat it however you want but I know from my own life experience it is hard and sad at times.

And P.S. it is YOU'RE not YOUR.

DH and BM separated when Sd was 8 mos old. Yes, she has asked why mommy and daddy aren't together, and she has said mommy and daddy should get married and her stepdad and I should get married, but I don't think she constantly fantasizes about it. Your DS is young enough that you have the opportunity to decide his future - you can make his childhood unstable and full of fighting or you can make his mom and dad not being together his new normal.

You have 16 more years of dealing with his dad (at least). YOU need to decide whether you want it to be a miserable 16 years of fighting with your ex and constantly thinking about what might have been or you can move on and be civil with your ex.

DH and BM sat down and had that conversation when SD was 2. It has made a HUGE difference. BM doesn't resent me, trusts me with SD, and makes sure to let us know about every dr appt, dance class, etc. without us having to ask. We have flexible visitation and get a lot more time than the CO states. SD loves all four of her parental figures and doesn't feel anxiety or fear of us fighting or complaining about the other parent. Since she was so young when they split (like your son), she doesn't remember anything other than the family she has now.

You are an adult and need to move on. It is what is best for your son.

dmndsr4eva · June 2012

xmaryrickx:
Why did you two break up? Were you two married?

We were engaged. We had been having difficulties so he said he needed space and he started doing everything without me at night and weekends. After a little over a month of this the final straw for me was him spending the night somewhere with out telling me where. (looking back I'm certain it was with her). I moved out the next day and filed temporary primary custody of our son. As soon as I moved out I found out from various sources that he was dating his coworker who is 9 years younger than him. This is the same woman he worked with our entire relationship and I always knew their relationship was too close. They are still together and live together now.

Thank you guys all for your comments. I have no intention of contacting him today and after thinking about it I realize what a terrible and pointless idea it was.

FutureMrsWittig · June 2012

dmndsr4eva:
Well it certainly is a big deal to me. It's not something I can just blow off like it never happened. We have a two year old son who we are supposed to be raising together. Instead our life is a big freakin' mess. Court, mediation, shuffling my son back and forth all over the freakin' place. I guess I can just pretend like it never meant anything to me and everything is just fine the way it is. I guess I'm the only person on this planet who thinks families should stay together and when they don't it's a big deal. Call me crazy!

It's hard. And it is a big deal. But by saying something to him, you're not going to hurt him and you're not going to help yourself.

I agree with posters who said go do something for yourself. Get a massage or rent a funny movie (or a sad one if what you need is just a really good, ugly cry).

Annplus1 · June 2012

dmndsr4ever, I am coming out of lurking to tell you the following-
Remember that your son is half his father. If you lead him to believe his dad is bad, he will internalize that he is half bad too, because his daddy is.

What is the reason you won't do therapy? There has to be one, as you haven't started it, and avoid the question. Maybe the ladies here can help you through that?

My "5 year wedding anniversary" is in two weeks. I have beed divorced for 7 months, my DD with my XH is 5 months old. I was with him for 10 years. I get where your feelings are coming from. I get having to deal with the GF. I get having the guilt over a "broken home". I get everything you are going through. But I also got (and still get) therapy. And it's helped me beyond words.

I hope you read this and this is the magical combination of 26 letters that makes you get the help your son deserves. Good luck.

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