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Blended Families
Husband telling stepdaughter & her mom about pregnancy...
...today. I'm beyond nervous, and I really don't know why.
Stepdaughter is the result of a one-night-stand my husband had in his late 20s, when he lived footloose and fancy-free in another country. He didn't find out about her existence until she was a month old, something he has never really let go of. His daughter is now 4.5 years old. Anyway, he's done the very best he can by supporting her financially, visiting her every 6 months, and Skyping as much as her mom allows. He doesn't have custody and there is no legal agreement of any kind. He's too nice, in my opinion. I've met her and her mom once, and it wasn't that great of an experience. The mom is pretty inappropriate and I believe she still thinks my husband will come around, sweep her off her feet, and move her to the States. The daughter is a brat, to be brutally honest.
I've always been 100% supportive of him having the best relationship he can with his daughter. He doesn't feel much of a bond with her, but he tries and he's patient.
Now I'm pregnant. Her mom doesn't like me (for what reason, I'm not sure) and his daughter really doesn't know who I am or what I am to her dad. He's visiting his daughter for the weekend, and telling both her and her mom about the baby. I'm SOOOOO nervous that his relationship with his daughter will suffer because her mom isn't the most mature person. I know I have no control, but I'm stressing. Anyone have advice for how to handle?!?
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Re: Husband telling stepdaughter & her mom about pregnancy...
#1. I don't think it's appropriate for you to call a 4.5 year old that you met 1 time a brat, and then turn around and say "his daughter really doesn't know who I am or what I am to her dad".
#2 My advice would be for him to get a formal order ensuring communication, partial custody, whatever arrangement he would like.
I agree, if your attitude toward this child is that she's a brat after one meeting, I don't really understand why you care what she thinks about your baby. If you truly supported your H's relationship with his child you would be encouraging him to seek a formal order of some kind.
My advice, adjust your attitude and worry about the best way to support your husband to have the relationship he desires with his child.
I agree about the brat comment. That age can be tough too as manners are developing but not quite there yet. Plus, you're a stranger to her.
I disagree about the formal order though. It seems that the informal agreement has been working for 4.5 years and her DH doesn't seem to have a problem with things as they are and it doesn't appear that there's anything coming from BM other than maybe a little fantasy hanging on. I'd leave it alone.
Try to put yourself in their shoes for a moment. Your SD has no real Daddy in her life and now he's going to be a dad to someone else. BM has been single handedly raising the product of a one night stand with little other than financial help. Its far from ideal for any of the people involved, including you.
I'd try to let them be as they have always been. It doesn't sound like your DH has a lot of time committed here so that's a positive for you. See how they respond when he tells them and go from there. For all you know, SD may be excited to have even a long distance brother or sister and it does give you and her something in common or something to talk about. If no one's undies are in a bunch, try to follow suit.
She is a brat. I spent two weeks with her and her mom at my parents-in-law's home. My parents-in-law, my sister-in-law, and neighbors said it first, I just agreed. My husband has commented on her behavior since day one, but since he's not a full-time dad to her, he keeps his comments to himself. She is being raised in a different culture, so we're just being judgmental. I'm totally aware. Just because of her age being an excuse for her difficult behavior, does not mean I have to pretend to enjoy my time with her. I would never act like I think she's a brat around her. The only reason I haven't spent time with her is because her mom won't allow anyone to be alone with her. Product of her culture.
My husband and I have looked into getting a legal agreement, but it's much more complicated than it is when both parents are in the same country. Plus, it's unfair to the mom, to be honest. She would never be able to afford a lawyer, and my husband doesn't want to create animosity between the two of them. Though he wants to see her more, he also doesn't want to lose all rights to her by causing problems with the mom.
I do support my husband 100%, but I am human, and I can feel what I feel. I should add that I have been a major player in my husband's life since over 10 years before the one-night-stand occurred (obviously, we weren't together then). I'm no stranger to this woman's illusion, and it has created an unbelievable amount of resentment in a man who resents no one. My husband and I talk openly about this, so don't think how I feel effects the way he handles his relationship with the mom and daughter.
I do appreciate your comments. Sometimes it helps to get input from people on the outside!
Exactly!! This is my point!
I actually don't care what his daughter thinks of me, she's 4.5 years old. Would you care what she thinks?!? I DO care what she thinks about her new baby sister or brother. And I DO care about her relationship with her father. That is my priority. I don't think I need an attitude adjustment, I think I need to learn how to be a little more selfish - which is something my husband has told me for years now.
"Product of her culture". What culture is this?
You sound like someone I would not want my children around. You barely know this girl but you don't like her. It's sad. What do you mean she is a product of her culture? Are all people in her culture brats? You realize how that sounds right?
How do you know the woman has illusions? What has she done?
Perhaps this is what the woman doesn't want you to see her daughter. You sound really resentful of this little girl and kind of jealous too. She is the first child your husband will ever have. That woman is the mother to his first child even though you were a major player in his life.
1. Her mother and I speak different languages. She either ignored me, or acted indifferent to me for the entire two weeks I spent with her. My husband asked her several times for a reason and she stared at him blankly. So, no, I have no idea why she doesn't like me.
2. I know she has illusions because of the things she's said to my husband and my parents-in-law, and by her extremely inappropriate behavior around my husband.
3. I don't care what the mom thinks of me, nor do I care what his daughter thinks of me. My concern is how this pregnancy effects my husband's delicate relationship with his daughter. I'm trying to not stress, as I have zero control over the mom's reaction.
4. I am not the type of wife who is going to force my husband to seek legal contract when he isn't comfortable doing it. We have looked into it and been counseled by an attorney in both countries. It will be entirely his decision if he'd like to pursue.
5. The mom has NEVER let daughter spend time with my husband or his family without her. Ever. For the first year of daughter's life, she clutched her fiercely and wouldn't let anyone hold her. Now, she insists on being present, and being flown to the States (on OUR dollar), or no one sees daughter. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. Because once again, she does not know me. I have been a wallflower without words for the 4.5 years of daughter's life.
6. I have been told that the reason for nearly all of the behavior is cultural. This is not my perception, this is my husband's perception. He is MUCH MORE familiar with the culture, as he lived there for 7 years. I'm not saying what culture it is because it has no relevance.
7. I don't resent his daughter at all. I would LOVE to get to know her and spend time with her. But FIRST, my husband should have that opportunity, and so far, he hasn't. So, I will wait patiently for my opportunity when it's time.
**BTW, I thought this board was for all blended families, including "stepmoms", although I'm not really that. I feel like it's actually blended families for biological moms only. Is there a different board I'm supposed to be on?
I only have time right now to comment on that. I was wondering what culture it was because I could not think of a culture that would make people behave like you are suggesting. I wouldn't think it would be a cultural thing to make chidren act like brats.
I really don't think it's a conscious behavior, where they intentionally make their kids act like brats. She has no manners, yells and demands things to her mom, breaks things, etc. The spits and hits her mom, and she even KICKED my 1-year old niece in the back while visiting. The mom doesn't discipline or react at all, not even using the word "no". I think it's the parenting style that most everyone in her community is used to. She's from a somewhat isolated farming community in her country. It has always made my husband extraordinarily uncomfortable, and my parents-in-law (who are very tolerant) were on edge the whole time they were here. I'm really not trashing the culture, it's just hard to understand and accept when you're on the outside.
It doesn't sound like you've given them much benefit of doubt. If you only see them twice a year, it must be hard to get anywhere.
You sound really bitter though. And if you feel that way, you feel that way - no stopping that.
If I were to put myself in the mom's shoes, I wouldn't let anyone be alone with my daughter either. She has a language barrier and a finance gap. She doesn't know your husband very well - after a one night stand and about 9 visits, right? What if he were to kidnap her? Not saying he would - but she doesn't know him or his family well enough to trust that.
I think it's a very sad situation for everyone actually. Reminds me of Miss Saigon. I totally get why you'd be on edge though. I'm a SM only and it doesn't always sit well with me when I have to be around BM - even if she's not trying to pull anything.
Kudos to your hubby for not just walking away though. That speaks VOLUMES about his character. Good call on picking that guy!
I agree too. I'm a SM and a BM.
I think it's crazy there is no CO. I think it's crazy that you H doesn't want one. I don't see how he can have a relationship with his daughter if BM is always around.
I wish I could teach her that kicking her 1-year old cousin in the back is not a nice thing to do. I wish I could tell her that hitting her mom on the face is wrong. But I'm not allowed to get within 5 feet of her. So though I totally see your point, I definitely don't agree that I SHOULD anything. The situation is NOT mine, it is my husband's and he struggles to deal with it every time he sees her. He will not "get a custody order" because it will involve years of international family court battle in BOTH countries. If he stirs the pot with the mom, he will not see his daughter until years of court battles are over. So, he grits his teeth in order to not lose her and I hope for the best.
Yep, I agree. But as I said before, this situation is dealing with court systems in two completely different countries. If he takes the mom to court, he will not see his daughter until years of international family custody battles are complete. He is not willing to lose what little relationship has with her. And sorry, I'm not going to force the issue.
I've spent a lot of time putting myself in the mom's position. And I agree that it would be really, really hard to let my daughter spend time with people I don't know. I think everyone, including my husband, understands that, which is why she is always around. The only reason I said that is because previous posters were commenting that "I can't imagine a culture where a child can't spend time alone with her dad".
I get frustrated with the situation, but you're right. I really need to remember to give them the benefit of the doubt. Especially for the original reason I posted this, which has gone way off topic, is that he's telling the mom and daughter today about our pregnancy. I'm nervous that the mom will react so negatively (which I could be 100% wrong about, I'm just trying to prep for the worst), that she'll pull his daughter further away from him and his family. That's why I posted this to begin with....but of course, in typical bump fashion, people only read what they want.
Anyway, thank you. Your post has been the most productive of all of them :-)
You should go back and re-read everything above before making blanket and judgmental statements about me and my situation. I'm not a stepmom. My husband has a daughter in a different country who I don't know and who doesn't know me, because of circumstances outside of my control. It's not that I don't want to know her or be apart of her life, it's that I haven't had the opportunity. Over the past 4.5 years, I have witnessed behavior by her and her mom that lead me to believe myself or my husband or his family will NEVER know her. So, get off your pedestal and realize that other people might be in less fortunate situations than yours. On top of that, my original post has absolutely nothing to do with ANYTHING you've said.
::EYEROLL::
People - I'm not looking for advice on how to handle my husband's daughter and mom!!!!!!! I'm not asking what your opinion is of my opinion of his daughter's behavior, nor am I asking for what you think about what the mom thinks of me!!!!!
I'm NERVOUS because I'm terrified that the mom will keep his daughter away from him and his family EVEN MORE than she already does! I don't HAVE a place in his daughter's life....I UNDERSTAND THAT. It's not because I don't want to, it's the nature of the whole situation. If I FORCE my husband to get into an international custody battle with her, his daughter will suffer. If I FORCE myself into his daughter's life, and start making opinions about her mom, his daughter will suffer. MY PRIORITY is to avoid all of that, and let my husband work on the best possible relationship he can with his daughter. He and his family have always been appalled at his daughter's behavior, and honestly, it is difficult to watch when you're just not used to it. But that is OUR opinions, and none of us would tell her mom that we think she's a brat! I was just being brutally honest, I wasn't trying to get off-topic. My support is one of the biggest reasons he even HAS any relationship with her. SO BACK OFF OF THAT, PLEASE!!!!!
Really, I'm wanting to hear how some of you ladies handled big news in a blended family situation that wasn't taken so positively by the other side. If her reaction to this pregnancy is negative, how can we focus on his daughter knowing her sister/brother?
honestly. the BM has all the cards in her hands. she is graciously allowing these limited visitations and your DH is bending over backwards to whatever works for her. while I give your DH huge credit for even sticking around, he will never get anywhere without a CO. What if the BM sets up visitation with the daughter on your babys 1st birthday, and your DH will be gone for your childs 1st birthday? Either he abandons you and your child on their 1st birthday or he looks like an a$$ and denys the visitation with his firstborn.
I totally get that he doesnt want to "rattle the cage" and risk missing out on years of visitation while fighting in court, perhaps he can discuss with BM: "since we have a baby on the way I think it would be beneficial to both of us to have everything in writing. we don't have to change anything, just make it more permenant. firstborn is very important to me and I don't want to miss out on visitation with her, but I also need to makes sure the dates and times work for everyone involved." if they can agree on stuff it might not even take years, especially where there is 4.5 years of precidence. and also, when they go to court, he can request once a week skype sessions so the daughter can see you and the baby and get to know you as well, and a judge will decide at what age the daughter can be alone with your DH and visit alone.
i really don't think you guys having a baby will have a HUGE affect on the entire situation, unless the BM still has a hard on for your DH, then I could see her getting mad. either way, try not to stress, its all on your DH's plate at this point.
Yes, yes, yes, and yes.
You mean she can act like an adult and model appropriate behavior instead of sitting back saying she doesn't care and calling the kid a brat?
Isn't that asking too much of her when she's already NOT selfish enough?
ETA: OP, I'm sorry you don't see the issues as all related and intertwined. If you did care about this girl and what she thinks of you, she might be more likely to have a positive reaction to the news of your pregnancy. You can't separate the issues and say you only care about what she thinks of having a brother or sister. Your relationship with her will affect her relationship with her sibling.
Woohoo I was quoted
In response to your nervousness... If there was a CO in place, you wouldn't have to be nervous about the BM denying visitation with your DH because of your perceived mini-crush BM has on your DH.
And, btw, you ARE a step-parent. Your husband has a child. That's kinda the definition of a step-parent. And yes, I said 'kinda' instead of 'kind of' on purpose.
Believe me, I WISH there was a court order in place! It was discussed the day he got the email that said "there's someone here you should meet" a month after daughter was born. After all of the paternity testing and making her a US citizen, the mom admitted to "purposely getting pregnant by punching holes in the condom" because she heard "American men always marry the mom and bring her to the States". So, yes, I pushed for a court order. But my husband felt differently.
And an update.....I just spoke to him......his daughter was elated with the news!!! WHEW, such a relief! She told him that she wants her sister's name to be Snow White. He said her mom stared out the window and didn't say a word, and wouldn't respond when he tried to speak to her. A few hours later, she said "I had your child, why didn't you marry me?". So appropriate.
The issues are not intertwined, actually. Neither the mother or the daughter know me, and I don't know them. I spent two weeks with them last year, and I made the absolute best of it. It was difficult for ALL OF US, but there is no reason why the mom or the daughter would think I don't like them. My point when I say that "I don't care what they think of me" is because I am not apart of their life. My husband is struggling to establish a presence, why should I barge in and force mine also? What they think of me isn't really important to me. What is important is supporting my husband's objectives in being apart of his child's life. I'm sorry, but I don't see how me forcing my way into the picture will help!!! Maybe I should prance around, acting like I have a place and pretending to be a stepmom......and watch his daughter slip away even more. Now THAT'S selfish.
And by the way, in the conversation he and I just had on the phone, he said, "She is SUCH a brat!! Even worse than two months ago!". So, you know what, the kid IS a brat. And it's NOT HER FAULT!!!!!
This is just like Miss Saigon. That ended badly.
Yes, this I know. The WHOLE point of my post. I AM nervous. I know who I am in the situation, and sorry, I'm not going to force it on a 4.5 year old. I hope that someday, I WILL be someone to her. Because my husband doesn't want to get a legal custody agreement (again, I prefer there was one, but I'm not the boss), I MYSELF don't want to rock the boat and ruin it for him. I felt this pregnancy might, because I know she doesn't like me (because she told my husband this, not because I dreamed it up).
I hoped that women on this board had experience with many types of blended families, which is why I posted here to begin with. But instead of a response to my being nervous, I got lots of judgment and negativity. If they can dish it to me, I'll dish it back. It's my situation. Before you judge, get your facts straight.
You said you don't care, then you said you do hope to be important to her someday. Those aren't the same.
It would be easier to get your story straight if we only got one version. I'm guessing/hoping this latest one is the truth, and you would have gotten less judgment if you'd said it in the beginning.
So, congrats! Welcome to being a SM. I think we all started out in the same boat - nobodies hoping to become somebodies to the little people related to our SOs.
I wasn't saying two different things, actually. I've maintained my position for 4.5 years, so most definitely I have meant one thing today. I believe it was semantics, interpretation, and my typing with emotion. But thank you for your kind words :-)
ALL OF THIS! Oh and personally I think it is pathetic to be so proud to call a child a brat. Like it or not you are this child`s SM and you better get used to it or you are in for a long haul. Your husband and his child are a package deal or at least they should be if he is a good parent (no matter how much he sees her).
I know you didn't ask about this specifically, but isn't there a concern that when she finds out you are having a baby, she'll suspend visitation?
This information about the length of time to get a CO-did it come from an attorney familiar with international custody issues?
I know this is your H's deal (trying to get an order or not), and I do think it's great That he has been in her life, I just wonder what else could be done. This isn't really a statement about what he has or hasn't done, but more of a thought that there must be something else.
So, my mom died when I was 25. If my dad remarries when I'm 35, is that woman my stepmom? She married my dad!! Sorry, no. A stepmom is just a word for something you call someone - grandma, aunt, cousin. Someone you consider yourself having some type of relationship with. You gals can tell me 5000 times that I'm a stepmom, but this child doesn't know who I am. As far as her mom is concerned, I don't exist. I have never spent any time alone with her (no one has, including her own dad) and at the rate we're going, I probably never will. So, by definition, yes, I'm her stepmom. But I have no duties or experience being one, so I don't consider myself a stepmom.
Additionally, I think it's pathetic that you are so concerned and judgmental about what I call this child. You don't know me, and you don't know her. If I want to say she's a brat, I can. And I will. That is not up to you to decide whether or not this child is a brat through my eyes. Her own dad thinks she's a brat, along with her entire family that she met last year in this country. Her behavior is so bad that my husband took her to a pediatrician here in the States and he said "she is normal, but her mother doesn't feed her a balanced diet and provides no discipline or structure, which is probably why she behaves this way". I'd guess if any of you saw her behavior, you'd probably all agree. And actually, again, you don't know me, but when I accepted this package over 10 years ago - there was no daughter. Had my husband not had my support and encouragement to figure it out, he wouldn't have any relationship with this child at all.
YES. That's the purpose of my original post. I'm nervous she will react negatively because of this pregnancy, which wouldn't surprise anyone.
Yes, that came from our international family law attorney here in the States, and it was validated by an international family law attorney located in the country where the mom and daughter live. We were actually advised to leave the situation as is, and only pursue the courts if she keeps the daughter away entirely. So far, she hasn't. But she limits all communication and updates and everything with him and his family.
If there is something else you can see us trying to do, by all means, let me know. This has been a major source of stress and frustration for my husband since he found out he even had a daughter. I feel like we've exhausted avenues, but I'm no expert. So if you have suggestions, let me know!
I believe the above IS the negative reaction you've been worried but not surprised about.
I don't have any advice or suggestions for you other than perhaps trying to learn BM's language so you would at least be able to say a few simple things like "hello, how are you, thank you, please" etc... to her and SD. It won't make you BFFs, but the gesture may start to melt the ice.