I'm a stepmother and I completely agree with the previous posters... It's not a bio-mom vs stepmom thing. She's 4.5 and your husbands child. You SHOULD care what she thinks of you. You SHOULD get a custody order in place that allows her to spend time alone with you guys - it protects her, you, and her mom. You SHOULD put your attitude in check. You married a man with a child and she will ALWAYS be his child. She'll always be in your lives and so will BM. And most 4.5 year olds are "brats" - it's not a cultural thing. Kids are selfish beings and we have to teach them that there are other people in their worlds - parallel play is an example of this. Rather than name-calling, teach her. This will benefit her in all relationships in her life.
ALL OF THIS! Oh and personally I think it is pathetic to be so proud to call a child a brat. Like it or not you are this child`s SM and you better get used to it or you are in for a long haul. Your husband and his child are a package deal or at least they should be if he is a good parent (no matter how much he sees her).
So, my mom died when I was 25. If my dad remarries when I'm 35, is that woman my stepmom? She married my dad!! Sorry, no. A stepmom is just a word for something you call someone - grandma, aunt, cousin. Someone you consider yourself having some type of relationship with. You gals can tell me 5000 times that I'm a stepmom, but this child doesn't know who I am. As far as her mom is concerned, I don't exist. I have never spent any time alone with her (no one has, including her own dad) and at the rate we're going, I probably never will. So, by definition, yes, I'm her stepmom. But I have no duties or experience being one, so I don't consider myself a stepmom.
Additionally, I think it's pathetic that you are so concerned and judgmental about what I call this child. You don't know me, and you don't know her. If I want to say she's a brat, I can. And I will. That is not up to you to decide whether or not this child is a brat through my eyes. Her own dad thinks she's a brat, along with her entire family that she met last year in this country. Her behavior is so bad that my husband took her to a pediatrician here in the States and he said "she is normal, but her mother doesn't feed her a balanced diet and provides no discipline or structure, which is probably why she behaves this way". I'd guess if any of you saw her behavior, you'd probably all agree. And actually, again, you don't know me, but when I accepted this package over 10 years ago - there was no daughter. Had my husband not had my support and encouragement to figure it out, he wouldn't have any relationship with this child at all.
LMAO I stand by my statement, you are pathetic. Your SD is so lucky that her mother is protecting her from you. You say that you accepted the package 10 years ago before there was a child so did your DH cheat on you or did you not marry until after the birth of SC? If you did not marry until after she was born then your husband and his child are absolutely a package deal. I hope your husband knows how you feel about his child. Then again no good parent would stick with someone who talks about their 4 1/2 year old the way you do.
No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.
I'm a stepmother and I completely agree with the previous posters... It's not a bio-mom vs stepmom thing. She's 4.5 and your husbands child. You SHOULD care what she thinks of you. You SHOULD get a custody order in place that allows her to spend time alone with you guys - it protects her, you, and her mom. You SHOULD put your attitude in check. You married a man with a child and she will ALWAYS be his child. She'll always be in your lives and so will BM. And most 4.5 year olds are "brats" - it's not a cultural thing. Kids are selfish beings and we have to teach them that there are other people in their worlds - parallel play is an example of this. Rather than name-calling, teach her. This will benefit her in all relationships in her life.
ALL OF THIS! Oh and personally I think it is pathetic to be so proud to call a child a brat. Like it or not you are this child`s SM and you better get used to it or you are in for a long haul. Your husband and his child are a package deal or at least they should be if he is a good parent (no matter how much he sees her).
So, my mom died when I was 25. If my dad remarries when I'm 35, is that woman my stepmom? She married my dad!! Sorry, no. A stepmom is just a word for something you call someone - grandma, aunt, cousin. Someone you consider yourself having some type of relationship with. You gals can tell me 5000 times that I'm a stepmom, but this child doesn't know who I am. As far as her mom is concerned, I don't exist. I have never spent any time alone with her (no one has, including her own dad) and at the rate we're going, I probably never will. So, by definition, yes, I'm her stepmom. But I have no duties or experience being one, so I don't consider myself a stepmom.
Additionally, I think it's pathetic that you are so concerned and judgmental about what I call this child. You don't know me, and you don't know her. If I want to say she's a brat, I can. And I will. That is not up to you to decide whether or not this child is a brat through my eyes. Her own dad thinks she's a brat, along with her entire family that she met last year in this country. Her behavior is so bad that my husband took her to a pediatrician here in the States and he said "she is normal, but her mother doesn't feed her a balanced diet and provides no discipline or structure, which is probably why she behaves this way". I'd guess if any of you saw her behavior, you'd probably all agree. And actually, again, you don't know me, but when I accepted this package over 10 years ago - there was no daughter. Had my husband not had my support and encouragement to figure it out, he wouldn't have any relationship with this child at all.
LMAO I stand by my statement, you are pathetic. Your SD is so lucky that her mother is protecting her from you. You say that you accepted the package 10 years ago before there was a child so did your DH cheat on you or did you not marry until after the birth of SC? If you did not marry until after she was born then your husband and his child are absolutely a package deal. I hope your husband knows how you feel about his child. Then again no good parent would stick with someone who talks about their 4 1/2 year old the way you do.
Wow, listen to you with all of your profound assumptions! I stand by my statement, you are pathetic. I am not her stepmom, thank god. My husband did not cheat and it is none of your business when we got married or how we met. And now you're saying my husband is a not a good parent? You are one dumb b*#ch. Your child must be a brat, you must be a bad parent, and you know it.
I'm a stepmother and I completely agree with the previous posters... It's not a bio-mom vs stepmom thing. She's 4.5 and your husbands child. You SHOULD care what she thinks of you. You SHOULD get a custody order in place that allows her to spend time alone with you guys - it protects her, you, and her mom. You SHOULD put your attitude in check. You married a man with a child and she will ALWAYS be his child. She'll always be in your lives and so will BM. And most 4.5 year olds are "brats" - it's not a cultural thing. Kids are selfish beings and we have to teach them that there are other people in their worlds - parallel play is an example of this. Rather than name-calling, teach her. This will benefit her in all relationships in her life.
ALL OF THIS! Oh and personally I think it is pathetic to be so proud to call a child a brat. Like it or not you are this child`s SM and you better get used to it or you are in for a long haul. Your husband and his child are a package deal or at least they should be if he is a good parent (no matter how much he sees her).
So, my mom died when I was 25. If my dad remarries when I'm 35, is that woman my stepmom? She married my dad!! Sorry, no. A stepmom is just a word for something you call someone - grandma, aunt, cousin. Someone you consider yourself having some type of relationship with. You gals can tell me 5000 times that I'm a stepmom, but this child doesn't know who I am. As far as her mom is concerned, I don't exist. I have never spent any time alone with her (no one has, including her own dad) and at the rate we're going, I probably never will. So, by definition, yes, I'm her stepmom. But I have no duties or experience being one, so I don't consider myself a stepmom.
Additionally, I think it's pathetic that you are so concerned and judgmental about what I call this child. You don't know me, and you don't know her. If I want to say she's a brat, I can. And I will. That is not up to you to decide whether or not this child is a brat through my eyes. Her own dad thinks she's a brat, along with her entire family that she met last year in this country. Her behavior is so bad that my husband took her to a pediatrician here in the States and he said "she is normal, but her mother doesn't feed her a balanced diet and provides no discipline or structure, which is probably why she behaves this way". I'd guess if any of you saw her behavior, you'd probably all agree. And actually, again, you don't know me, but when I accepted this package over 10 years ago - there was no daughter. Had my husband not had my support and encouragement to figure it out, he wouldn't have any relationship with this child at all.
LMAO I stand by my statement, you are pathetic. Your SD is so lucky that her mother is protecting her from you. You say that you accepted the package 10 years ago before there was a child so did your DH cheat on you or did you not marry until after the birth of SC? If you did not marry until after she was born then your husband and his child are absolutely a package deal. I hope your husband knows how you feel about his child. Then again no good parent would stick with someone who talks about their 4 1/2 year old the way you do.
Wow, listen to you with all of your profound assumptions! I stand by my statement, you are pathetic. I am not her stepmom, thank god. My husband did not cheat and it is none of your business when we got married or how we met. And now you're saying my husband is a not a good parent? You are one dumb b*#ch. Your child must be a brat, you must be a bad parent, and you know it.
Do you hear your self right now? Yes, if your husband married you knowing that you felt this way about his child, that makes him a bad parent. Takes a real woman to attack someone else`s child on the internet. Klassy!
No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.
I hope your SD was indeed happy to find out that she was going to be a big sister (I remember you posted about this a few weeks ago, too). I'm not going to bash you for taking a more passive role, since this really is between the two parents who created this little girl. You are not an active stepmom like many people here, there is no EOW visitation - so at best - you are something like a "distant auntie" at this point. I agree with you that you don't always have to march in, guns blazing - and honestly, there is a poster or two on this board who have pretty much ruined any co-parenting relationships by being so aggressive, explaining that they were only "trying to help their husband be a better parent".
Truth is, each relationship has a unique dynamic and maybe this is what fits your husband's and BM's personality the best. Not to make waves, take things slowly, do the twice a year overseas visitation or whatever you guys are doing and then - as I oferred in my previous post to you - try to involve your SD through skype, cards with baby's photos, phone calls...etc. You show her you care about her and go from there.
Now, when she does come to visit, I think learning a bit of their language (like someone suggested), is an excellent ice-breaker. This comes from someone who is not an American, I am telling you it does help. It shows you are extending an olive branch and make someone in a strange country feel more welcome. For you specifically - show interest, be polite and inviting - but I would let your H and BM lead the way in how they want to do things.
The fact you and H think she is a brat - meh. A lot of kids are brats. I don't see why people are so offended. If I witnessed a 5 year old hitting her mother, kicking a little boy who was present at one of the visits.....I'd probably think the same thing. If the little boy was my child, you bet I would have stepped in. She should not have gotten away with that. But, then again - it's not YOUR place to say something. Her mother and father should have taken care of that.
I hope your SD was indeed happy to find out that she was going to be a big sister (I remember you posted about this a few weeks ago, too). I'm not going to bash you for taking a more passive role, since this really is between the two parents who created this little girl. You are not an active stepmom like many people here, there is no EOW visitation - so at best - you are something like a "distant auntie" at this point. I agree with you that you don't always have to march in, guns blazing - and honestly, there is a poster or two on this board who have pretty much ruined any co-parenting relationships by being so aggressive, explaining that they were only "trying to help their husband be a better parent".
Truth is, each relationship has a unique dynamic and maybe this is what fits your husband's and BM's personality the best. Not to make waves, take things slowly, do the twice a year overseas visitation or whatever you guys are doing and then - as I oferred in my previous post to you - try to involve your SD through skype, cards with baby's photos, phone calls...etc. You show her you care about her and go from there.
Now, when she does come to visit, I think learning a bit of their language (like someone suggested), is an excellent ice-breaker. This comes from someone who is not an American, I am telling you it does help. It shows you are extending an olive branch and make someone in a strange country feel more welcome. For you specifically - show interest, be polite and inviting - but I would let your H and BM lead the way in how they want to do things.
The fact you and H think she is a brat - meh. A lot of kids are brats. I don't see why people are so offended. If I witnessed a 5 year old hitting her mother, kicking a little boy who was present at one of the visits.....I'd probably think the same thing. If the little boy was my child, you bet I would have stepped in. She should not have gotten away with that. But, then again - it's not YOUR place to say something. Her mother and father should have taken care of that.
All of these things make sense. I also like how this entire thread has nothing to do with whatever she was asking about. Things like assuming there was cheating, assuming that the OP actually has a choice to be active in the little girls life, assuming that the little girl even wants OP to be in her life, ect.
All of those things aren't things that OP wanted to talk about, so I'll keep my post on track.
OP; I feel bad for you. You have been put in a difficult situation. Your DH's little girl has a batshit crazy mother. It isn't a culture thing, I can guarantee you. It seems to me the mother does not want the child, never did, and to put it simply, could not give two shits less what happens to her. However, you mention her being protective, but the way it is described by you, the mother seems protective of the way a person would be of an object than another human being. Much less her child.
So, since the mother is less than there, here is my advice:
No matter how the child reacts, the mother will and has reacted poorly. At worst, She'll get vengeful. At best, she'll just keep living in whatever fantasy world she may live in and ignore/put blinders on to the whole situation. You two will never, ever be friends, because in her mind, "you stole soandso away from me!" Regardless of the fact she apparently hid from him that she was having his child. If she gets vengeful and starts cutting off contact, making threats, or being even more restrictive, encourage your DH to go to court. If his time with the little girl is important, encourage it. I understand you don't want to interfere with business that isn't your place to interfere in. I applaud you for realizing your interfering could cause much more harm than good. A lot of people don't seem to get that. However, it is in that little girls best interest that she has her father in her life, and her father happens to be your DH, and so it is up to you to talk sense into your DH if things start going awry. If they don't, then that is great. Maybe you can very, very slowly start to extend an olive branch to the little girl? Learn bits of her language, perhaps Skype with her. Slowly, start to show interest, but don't go all out and force it on her.
I hope things get better for all the people involved with your situation.
Am I missing something??? Why is the OP being attacked?
I think it is totally your call to be as involved or not as you feel. Now if she was visiting every weekend and you were ignoring her I would say different but thus far I think I would handle your situation similar to you.
I actually feel that no one earns the title of mother simply by marrying a childs father. So if you don't consider yourself a SM that is normal to me. I know I certaibly didn't for quite some time.
I actually applaud you for supporting your DH in going to 'where ever he goes' knowing that the BM has feelings for him.
In regards to calling her a brat I think the rest of the board needs to chill out. With lack of discipline and rules kids can be down right bratty - its a fact.
HOWEVER - it is the parents responsibility to teach a child manners. Your DH, as her parent, is responsible for her behaviour. If he finds it that offensive he should file for custody and put some effort into parenting her himself. It think it is wrong of him to be so judgemental of the BMs parenting skills when his own are practically non existant.
Also don't be so judgemental of the BM. She was clearly good enough for your DH to climb into bed with, and in turn he was good enough for you.
This little child is as valid and as important in this world as the child you are carrying. They are both your DH flesh and blood. If your DH does not do everything in his power to ensure that BOTH his children prosper and thrive in this world then he should take a long hard look in the mirror before he passes judgement on anyone else.
The next time he calls his little daughter a brat why don't you say ... 'Yea she sure is, so what are you going to do to help her change her behavior?'. If his answer is nothing then you need to think long and hard about the man you have chosen as the father of your child.
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Re: Husband telling stepdaughter & her mom about pregnancy...
LMAO I stand by my statement, you are pathetic. Your SD is so lucky that her mother is protecting her from you. You say that you accepted the package 10 years ago before there was a child so did your DH cheat on you or did you not marry until after the birth of SC? If you did not marry until after she was born then your husband and his child are absolutely a package deal. I hope your husband knows how you feel about his child. Then again no good parent would stick with someone who talks about their 4 1/2 year old the way you do.
I really hope that no one would judge my childrens' behavior or my parenting based on a 2-week period visiting a foreign country.
Neither of my kids are themselves when they're jet lagged, cranky, tired, and surrounded by strangers they don't understand very well.
I do too.
Wow, listen to you with all of your profound assumptions! I stand by my statement, you are pathetic. I am not her stepmom, thank god. My husband did not cheat and it is none of your business when we got married or how we met. And now you're saying my husband is a not a good parent? You are one dumb b*#ch. Your child must be a brat, you must be a bad parent, and you know it.
Do you hear your self right now? Yes, if your husband married you knowing that you felt this way about his child, that makes him a bad parent. Takes a real woman to attack someone else`s child on the internet. Klassy!
Wow, this thread is out of control.
I hope your SD was indeed happy to find out that she was going to be a big sister (I remember you posted about this a few weeks ago, too). I'm not going to bash you for taking a more passive role, since this really is between the two parents who created this little girl. You are not an active stepmom like many people here, there is no EOW visitation - so at best - you are something like a "distant auntie" at this point. I agree with you that you don't always have to march in, guns blazing - and honestly, there is a poster or two on this board who have pretty much ruined any co-parenting relationships by being so aggressive, explaining that they were only "trying to help their husband be a better parent".
Truth is, each relationship has a unique dynamic and maybe this is what fits your husband's and BM's personality the best. Not to make waves, take things slowly, do the twice a year overseas visitation or whatever you guys are doing and then - as I oferred in my previous post to you - try to involve your SD through skype, cards with baby's photos, phone calls...etc. You show her you care about her and go from there.
Now, when she does come to visit, I think learning a bit of their language (like someone suggested), is an excellent ice-breaker. This comes from someone who is not an American, I am telling you it does help. It shows you are extending an olive branch and make someone in a strange country feel more welcome. For you specifically - show interest, be polite and inviting - but I would let your H and BM lead the way in how they want to do things.
The fact you and H think she is a brat - meh. A lot of kids are brats. I don't see why people are so offended. If I witnessed a 5 year old hitting her mother, kicking a little boy who was present at one of the visits.....I'd probably think the same thing. If the little boy was my child, you bet I would have stepped in. She should not have gotten away with that. But, then again - it's not YOUR place to say something. Her mother and father should have taken care of that.
All of these things make sense. I also like how this entire thread has nothing to do with whatever she was asking about. Things like assuming there was cheating, assuming that the OP actually has a choice to be active in the little girls life, assuming that the little girl even wants OP to be in her life, ect.
All of those things aren't things that OP wanted to talk about, so I'll keep my post on track.
OP; I feel bad for you. You have been put in a difficult situation. Your DH's little girl has a batshit crazy mother. It isn't a culture thing, I can guarantee you. It seems to me the mother does not want the child, never did, and to put it simply, could not give two shits less what happens to her. However, you mention her being protective, but the way it is described by you, the mother seems protective of the way a person would be of an object than another human being. Much less her child.
So, since the mother is less than there, here is my advice:
No matter how the child reacts, the mother will and has reacted poorly. At worst, She'll get vengeful. At best, she'll just keep living in whatever fantasy world she may live in and ignore/put blinders on to the whole situation. You two will never, ever be friends, because in her mind, "you stole soandso away from me!" Regardless of the fact she apparently hid from him that she was having his child. If she gets vengeful and starts cutting off contact, making threats, or being even more restrictive, encourage your DH to go to court. If his time with the little girl is important, encourage it. I understand you don't want to interfere with business that isn't your place to interfere in. I applaud you for realizing your interfering could cause much more harm than good. A lot of people don't seem to get that. However, it is in that little girls best interest that she has her father in her life, and her father happens to be your DH, and so it is up to you to talk sense into your DH if things start going awry. If they don't, then that is great. Maybe you can very, very slowly start to extend an olive branch to the little girl? Learn bits of her language, perhaps Skype with her. Slowly, start to show interest, but don't go all out and force it on her.
I hope things get better for all the people involved with your situation.
Am I missing something??? Why is the OP being attacked?
I think it is totally your call to be as involved or not as you feel. Now if she was visiting every weekend and you were ignoring her I would say different but thus far I think I would handle your situation similar to you.
I actually feel that no one earns the title of mother simply by marrying a childs father. So if you don't consider yourself a SM that is normal to me. I know I certaibly didn't for quite some time.
I actually applaud you for supporting your DH in going to 'where ever he goes' knowing that the BM has feelings for him.
In regards to calling her a brat I think the rest of the board needs to chill out. With lack of discipline and rules kids can be down right bratty - its a fact.
HOWEVER - it is the parents responsibility to teach a child manners. Your DH, as her parent, is responsible for her behaviour. If he finds it that offensive he should file for custody and put some effort into parenting her himself. It think it is wrong of him to be so judgemental of the BMs parenting skills when his own are practically non existant.
Also don't be so judgemental of the BM. She was clearly good enough for your DH to climb into bed with, and in turn he was good enough for you.
This little child is as valid and as important in this world as the child you are carrying. They are both your DH flesh and blood. If your DH does not do everything in his power to ensure that BOTH his children prosper and thrive in this world then he should take a long hard look in the mirror before he passes judgement on anyone else.
The next time he calls his little daughter a brat why don't you say ... 'Yea she sure is, so what are you going to do to help her change her behavior?'. If his answer is nothing then you need to think long and hard about the man you have chosen as the father of your child.