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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
Non Compliant Grandparents
We have an 18 month old daughter. She has often stayed with my parents for weekend visits/overnight since she was about 12 weeks old. Since then, my husband and I have had certain requests to match our routine, etc. when she stays overnight with them ...such as keeping the blankets/pillows/toys out of the crib to avoid SIDS (when she was much smaller), only Whole Milk that's hormone-free (after 12 months), and avoiding foods like honey & hot dogs as they can be choking hazards...
But they have consistently ignored our wishes. We wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt, but we're not seeing that they respect our wishes... a lot of eye-rolling and blatant wrist-shaking as if we're speaking nonsense to them.
A recent visit shook me up as I noticed my Dad fell asleep while she was playing on the floor in front of him alone, as well as my Mom told me she had been giving her 1% milk for the past few overnight visits. These are just a few examples outside of not keeping to the eating and sleeping schedule, refusing to baby-proofing their home, etc.
We planned a vacation withOUT our daughter about 6 months ago and I'm worried that I didn't think this through very well as our daughter was going to stay with my parents for a week while we're gone. I am regretting booking this trip.
How do I handle this? My Mom has a temper & I don't want to start a fight, but I can see them being greatly offended by anything more than the simple requests we've made in the past year an half.
I'll cancel our trip if we have to, obviously we won't be able to relax on our vaca if the person watching her isn't doing as we ask.
I need some advice.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Non Compliant Grandparents
was your dad home alone with DD? In my family grandma takes care of LO's and grandpa being there is just a bonus...
yes, your LO should drink whole milk at the moment, but her having a cup or so of 1% means nothing. Even if she drank it the whole time you were gone on vaca, she'd be fine. They probaly don't drink whole milk themselves so buying it would've "went to waste"
Your two complaints don't hold too much ground with me.
allow me to specify some more examples:
- not sticking to sleeping schedule & routine (which has been very difficult for us at home anyways)
- allowing her to play with choking hazardous toys like small forks, markers with small caps, marbles, etc.
- refuses to buy a crib even though our daughter can push the entire playpen over and crawl out
- cleaning bathrooms our daughter close by, inhaling high-fume cleaners
I agree with PP, I'm not sure that your two examples are worthy of me clutching my pearls (if you were there to see your dad fall asleep, that's probably why he wasn't worried about staying awake, KWIM?). If they aren't following your schedule while you're on vacation... well, they're the ones who will have a grumpy baby. My problem would be the looks you're getting from them that communicate that they are not respecting your parenting choices; however, this is one of those times where it's important to pick your battles. Not following your concerns about SIDS? Battle. Giving her 1% instead of whole milk? Let it go.
Here's where I draw the line- is your child safe? Not, is she being parented the way you would parent, different people do things differently and that's okay. Is she safe? If she wouldn't be safe there, cancel the vacation or ask someone else to watch her, and screw your mother's temper, this is about the safety of your child. If she's perfectly safe, then try not to worry about it and know that a week off her schedule isn't going to harm her in any way.
Unable to even.
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You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
this is VERY helpful! thank you!
- refuses to buy a crib even though our daughter can push the entire playpen over and crawl out
Buy one for them.
Unless you are genuinely concerned with her safety (which clearly you are not as the child has been spending overnights/weekends since she was 12 weeks) there is little you can do except reiterate you wishes.
I don't even get the comment : "A recent visit shook me up as I noticed my Dad fell asleep while she was playing on the floor in front of him alone". How did you notice this if he was alone with her?
So, I agree with the PPs.
I get the frustration of not having people follow your instructions but some of the stuff you mentioned is just kinda pare for the course with most grandparent. We chronically have to remind DH's parents about DD's bedtime/nap schedule and they still rarely get it right. Is it a PITA to deal with later yes but is it worth it to get away a bit yeah.
However that said, the one I bolded would bug me and I think that's a battle worth focusing on. This and the hot dogs would bug me (unless they are cutting them up). These are actual safety issues, so that's where my attention would lie.
As for the crib thing, why is it their responsiblity to buy a crib for your kid to use? If you want her to have a crib there then YOU need to buy it and set it up. You can get some pretty reasonable priced options at Ikea if you dont want to spend a ton but it shouldnt be their problem to provide one when they are doing you guys a favor. If they are saying no to a crib even after you are willing to pay for and set up then yeah that may be a different story.
Yep, this. If you're that annoyed by it, take her on vacation with you, or hire someone to do exactly what you want.
And this - my thoughts exactly.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
It sucks that they aren't following the guidelines that you have set - but that's kinda what grandparents do!
If you would like your LO to be in a crib, or drink whole milk, provide it for them while she is with them.
You have to remember that they adore and love your LO - so they wouldn't do anything to cause major harm.
The fumes probably aren't great for LO, but really, what are they supposed to do? You cannot expect other people to do everything the same way you will...could they do that while she is napping/sleeping? Probably. Will it cause her major harm - no.
Hint - he too is looking a gift horse in the mouth
????!!!!????
Unable to even.
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You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
My peditrician says to avoid honey before 1 so I assume that is what she meant. According to DH there is a very small chance that honey can contain spores of a bacterium (clostridium botulum sp?) that can lead to infant botulism. They recommend waiting on it until 1 since your body is better equipped to fight it off. DH is a microbiologist and therefore the bacteria police so yeah DS didn't eat honey before 1 and I didn't get lunch meat while pregnant =P
The only example that really concerned me would be if they truly are feeding too large of chunks of hotdog though that can be a matter of opinion I'd have to see how large of pieces. The rest of the stuff isn't going to really harm your child even if it is annoying to you. I agree with picking your battles though it comes down to the fact you don't have to leave your child with them, they are doing you a favor. If you don't feel safe or comfortable with them then you probably won't truly be able to relax on vacation anyways and you might do better with a vacation where you can bring your child and maybe get onsite childcare.The bumpie formerly known as First Time in MI
I understand it can be frustrating when parents/IL's don't follow your wishes. I get irritated when C stays with IL's on overnights but my DH always reminds me we are LUCKY to have people that care for our DS and will watch him for free.
When my MIL keeps C up until 10:00 p.m. even though I've warned her not to do that because he will be a cranky pants all day. She does it anyway and the next day she is exhausted because he slept like crap, woke up early and is now being a baby jerk. So maybe now she'll learn (she never does)
If I want C to eat or drink certain things I give her the money to buy it. I also bought them a Pack and play but he sleeps with them because that is what she likes. It's not going to hurt him, just them because he is a bear to sleep with.
They take care of him and mostly do what I ask but they are watching him and they do things their way. If it was dangerous then sure I'd say something but I pick my battles. She's also raised 4 wonderful men so I think she knows what she is doing. At times I have to remind her that it's not that way anymore.
Botulism =/= choking.
Unable to even.
********************
You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
I should address the crib thing, I guess.
My mother wanted to buy a crib - she bought a used play yard that has always been a little more flimsy than I liked. We offered to buy her a nice crib & mattress, but she doesn't like "how big they are". I never fully understood what that meant, but we never asked them to buy a crib.
So I think I worded that incorrectly.
I'm definitely buggin' over what's a pure safety concern and what's just a power trip between my parents and us. The 'picking your battles' advice is really good. Learning to get a grip with parents like mine can be a challenge. I just love my kid so much, I'm sure everyone can understand that.
Thanks again!
All of this. My folks don't always follow all of the rules, but the kids always come back healthy and happy, so who cares? DH's parents, on the other hand, are genuinely unsafe people. One of DH's own siblings did not survive them. We refuse to let them around our children unsupervised.
Pick your battles.
I read it as a run on thought. as in "avoiding foods like honey; and hot dogs as they can be choking hazards". That she meant to avoid both items but the choking hazard part only applied to her latter example. She should've broken them into two sentences or maybe thrown in some punctuation. I am bad at grammar too so it made sense to me
EDIT: If OP truly does think you can choke on honey then yes that is crazy
The bumpie formerly known as First Time in MI
Um, yes. Why should they buy a crib?
I get the schedule thing, but honestly your parents are doing you a favor. A big one. It would be impossible for them to do things exactly the way you do. As the others said, pick your battles and be grateful that your parents are so involved.
ETA: Just read your clarification on the crib thing. Makes more sense. However, if you don't think your LO is safe in the playpen I would probably offer once more to buy a crib of find a better a solution for nighttime. Many things you listed are just nuisances. Safety is not.
If you are that unhappy with your free babysitters, then here's a thought, don't let them watch your kid.
Just a question: They raised you, correct? Are you ok?
Pick your battles or arrange other childcare
The point I was making is that when she was growing up, I am sure they did what they thought was safe for her at the time, I'm sure they would do the same for her child. They aren't going to do anything to intentionally put her in harms way. & If she believes they are, then don't let them watch her.
If you do not like what they are feeding your DD then how about packing her a cooler with her food, and her milk from your house. The dad falling asleep is side eye worthy, but everything else just screams overbearing/ helicopter mom to me.
ETA: I just read the response about the Marbles, and we would definately be having a talk about that one.
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter
"><a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"><img border="0" src="http://tickers.myfitnesspal.com/ticker/show/825/1820/8251820.png" /></a><p style="text-align:center;width:420px;"><small>Created by MyFitnessPal - Free <a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com">Calorie Counter</a></small></p>Did you not ask for advice and opinions? I think the consensus is that if you feel that there are genuine safety concerns when your parents watch your child then you should reconsider leaving her with them.
Have you asked your parents to stay at your house for the week? I understand leaving your LO at their house for a date night/one night away, but an entire week would be much easier for LO to be at home.
I guess even from your post title I was side eyeing you. "Non Compliant" as in you have a list of rules they have to follow to a T.
1% won't kill her. If she was severely allergic to milk and they were feeding her ice cream, yes I'd pick a fight.
I don't understand the NEED to baby proof. I've noticed my parents are HYPERVIGILANT when DS is around. Their precious grandson is never out of their sight (my mom won't even go to the bathroom without asking my dad to watch him).
And we all know that schedules are usually barred from grandma and grandpa's house, come on their job is to spoil them (unless they watch them daily for daycare reasons, that's different). But a night here and there where her schedule is disregarded isn't a huge deal. If you found she was covered in blankets at 4 months old at night, yes you'd have a battle to fight.
But TBH, sounds like you need to let go a bit. Nothing your parents does sounds dangerous. If your dad fell asleep while she was playing and you were there to witness it, doesn't mean he does it if he's by himself.
I agree with this. I personally don't care if you want them to only give whole milk or go by your sleep schedule. But if you do feel strongly about it, find childcare that will abide by those rules. Don't complain about free childcare that doesn't go by them. My personal choice would be to go on your trip but find alternate care that you can rest assured will do as you wish.