Realized yesterday how sad I am
amajane
member
I have been unemployed since having DD and we are struggling financially. Yesterday I received a job offer. It's great news.
And I felt elated after the phone call. And then I realized that it is the first time I have felt genuinely happy in over a year. The first time in over a year that something really good has happened to me.
And then I realized just how sad I've been. Once I felt the initial excitement wear off, I felt the weight of anger and grief start to settle back onto my shoulders. My old negative feelings were back.
I am really surprised how natural those negative feelings feel. I have been so sad, bitter and hopeless since our first bad ultrasound that I almost can't recognize them as?separate?from me. They have become so integrated into my soul.
I know I need to release this pain but I don't know how. I wish I could go to therapy if I had the time and money. I wish I never had this pain.
How do you do it? ?
?
Re: Realized yesterday how sad I am
((HUGS))
Congratulations on your job offer!
I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I've often told DH I feel cheated from the warm gushy feelings of motherhood b/c everything was so tough. Tough delivery, tough extra week inthe hospital for DS, problem after problem, and no diagnosis until DS was 18 months old. And ohhh..the diagnosis, tears, anger, fear, grief...and exhaustion! Luckily I've had more good days than bad lately, but there are still days when the weight and gravity of it all are overwhelming. Maybe you can talk to your primary doc about an anti-depressant - it helped me.
Great news that Marley is making progress in EI! It's tough waiting for the milestones. My 28 month old is just now beginning to say "Mama" or "Hi Mama" when he sees me. There are other kiddos his age that have been saying "Hi Mama" for quite some time now, but when my kiddo does...magic.
Again, congratulations on the new job!
Congrats on the job offer! Oh how I miss working, I am so excited for you...seriously have goose bumps!
Its okay to sad, angry and it's so natural to have those negative feelings. I always think of how sad I would have been if Cash would have been my first child. That's not to say that I am not sad, angry or depressed, because my mom will tell you that I too have my days. I think we all grieve differently, I am just so grateful that I have Cash and the boys. It has opened up alot of closed doors for me regarding my inner strength. You have stated before that you now question whether there is a God and you are going through your greiving process. Time well heal, but no one knows how much time we need.
Therapy may help you, but like you said finding time and money are factors. Or you can continue to vent to us for the price of monthly internet service. I feel for you and hope things will get easier, I know they well. I just looked at Cash last week and thought wow it's been a year. Today I looked at him and thought he reminded me of a 7 month old and had to tell myself thats okay he spent 3 to 4 months in the hospital.
I hope you find your peace and enjoy your job! Give Marley hugs from us! Keep your chin up.
I was off for 12 weeks and have been back to work for a month - and though I love my little baby sooo much, it has been very helpful for me personally to get back to work so that I'm not constantly dwelling on all that is going on with Isaac. It was so easy to get sad when I was there all alone with Isaac doing the day to day work - the exercises, stretches and feeding. I am lucky in that my dad/MIL/aunt/uncle split days to watch Isaac for me.
Work helps me in that I feel productive and I actually get to talk to other adults (it was hard for me to just be with the baby all day long). I appreciate the time I have with him in the evenings and weekends more. I know that people say its all in the way you look at things, but I know when it was just me and him there all day alone it was such a struggle to stay positive. I think too that it was good for someone new to come in and watch isaac occasionally because they would bring their energy in - I was often worn out from everything else to do his OT stretches enough and do enough tummy time and stuff.
Really like the new picture! Is there not a program anywhere you can get into for free/reduced thereapy?? Can you go back to work??