overwhelmed
Over a year ago, I had my first consult with an RE and was overwhelmed with paperwork and decisions. We decided that we'd go thru 4 IUIs and quit. Then during IUI#3, we said if this doesn't work, we're done. We were for sure going to have success - I had 4 follies and H has no issues. Well, IF sucks and it was a BFFN.
So we've talked a bit about adopting, but it seems more overwhelming than IF treatments (although less physically painful, since daily blood work isn't required :-) ) We're also not sure adoption is for us...still not sure on this decision. Like everyone else, we didn't think we'd have a problem conceiving since everyone else in our family is very fertile...and shortly after we were married, we had a surprise (which sadly ended in m/c). Five years later, we've kinda given up on seeing two lines.
Any tips for processing all of this? How did you decide you wanted to adopt or did you always know that you wanted to adopt? How did your family react? Did you tell your family before you started the process?
PAIF/SAIF welcome
PCOS-IR / Hypothyroid
IUI#1-3: 100mg Clomid + Ovidrel trigger = BFN
Re: overwhelmed
Welcome and I am sorry for your struggles.
Question- what makes you unsure that adoption is right for you? I ask because we may be able to share more of our personal journey as related to where you are... We are a very kind board... for the most part so feel free to share what you are feeling.
As for me, I am a cancer survivor and decided carrying a child wasn't a risk I was willing to take... and we were unsure if I'd ever get pregnant if we tried. Adoption was an easy decision for us but our journey was anything but easy. About 18 months in, we looked at surrogacy but ultimately decided there were too many issues with it related to faith, occupation, and the cost. Finally in month 22 we matched and met our first daughter.
For us it was a process to come to the decision to adopt. 1 Month after I miscarried I attended a birth and it showed me that I could LOVE any baby even if I didn't "make" that baby.
Above all we wanted to be parents. It took my husband about 7months longer to decide he was ready. He had to process the loss of a biological child. The moment he held our daughter he said "She is so beautiful. I couldn't love her more if you had pushed her out yourself"
We had won a free IVF cycle right before we were matched with her birthmother and after adopting I can't imagine going back through the emotional and physical stress of IF treatments again and have no desire to use that free cycle.
b2b Injectable IUI #1 7/25/10 & 7/26/10 = BFP beta 14dpIUI = 133 MC 9/14 at 9 weeks
b2b Injectable IUI #2 12/5/10 & 12/6/10 = BFN
IVF #1 ER 3/28/11 ET 3 embryos 3/31/11= BFN
b2b Injectable IUI#3 6/28/11 & 6/29/11 = BFN
PAIF/SAIF Welcome
Submitted Adoption Application on 6/1/2011
Homestudy 7/19/2011
IVF#2 CX due to Adoption Match
We were blessed with our daughter through the gift of adoption
IVF #2.1 ET 2 embryos 2/14/13 7 frosties
DH and I have been dealing with IF for over 3 years now. We've been working on adoption for over a year. I was just thinking this morning that as hard as IF seems to be, adoption may be even more difficult. I'm looking at it from the perspective of once a child comes into our lives, it's so different that IF because there's this little person that you fall in love with and then wait to see if they'll become yours forever. With IF, that person isn't there yet. We're hoping to start visitation with a sibling group of three soon and I was thinking about them this morning and how hard the process will be.
We always knew we'd like to adopt (really, I think I knew. DH had more reservations at first) . We thought we'd have one or two biological children first though. But then we realized, why wait?! So we went ahead and got the process started. It's been rough at times but I know it will be so worth it one day!
Me 30/DH 31 Married in June 2003. TTC since 2008. M/c in Nov. 2008. D/x: DOR and MFI 5 cycles of IUI in 2010. IVF #1 in Nov. 2011. ER 11/22. ET 11/25. BFN.
This, exactly. Right now we have the choice of starting IUI or moving forward with adoption and, since we've always wanted to adopt, we just decided to adopt first (thankfully, there is still a possibility that we can conceive on our own later, given a few years). As much as I wanted to be pregnant, at some point the desire to have the child and be a parent overtook the desire to be pregnant. I've actually been less of an emotional wreck since we started the process, knowing that we ARE going to have a baby rather than just spending all of our time worrying and wishing about something we can't control (the stress of which I'm sure doesn't make it any easier to conceive). I'm sure there will be bumps in the road here too but we are hopeful again, which is something that I haven't felt in a while. DH took a little more time to process everything and realize that this is the right decision for us to adopt first, but he's so excited now. You can't make yourself want it, but definitely think about why you have reservations and deal with that specifically. Good luck!
ETA: Oh, and we have not told our families yet. Once we choose an agency and get our application approved we will tell them. We want to make sure that we have a firm decision and are completely comfortable with our choice (esp because we've been deciding between domestic and international) before hearing everyone else's opinions. I've told a couple close friends who have been supportive and just listened but I don't think we're ready to hear the strong opinions from DH's family without knowing for sure what we are doing.
We dealt with cancer then IF. IF sucked more than cancer for us. We did IUIs and IVF cycles and nothing worked. The doctors can't tell us why - everyone on both sides is fertile, no problems with DH, so it is either my eggs or my uterus that seems to be the problem and there really isn't anything to do about that.
We struggled with the idea of adopting. It took us some time to really be okay with it. The way we looked at it, we are NOT okay with being a family of just 2 and adoption is the only way to grow. We talked to some folks at agencies and prayed...a lot. One day we kind of just woke up and thought, we're ready to adopt.
For me at least adoption is way LESS overwhelming/hard than IF. With adoption, you know that little person is coming to you. You might not know when, but you know they are coming. With IF you have nothing certain, no guarantees.
Someone on this board once said they could either spend their $20k+ on another round of IVF with no guarantees, or they could spend that same $20k+ on adoption and would definitely, at some point, have a child to bring home. That really helped me realize that I would rather pursue adoption and finally have some sort of certainty.
Once we made the decision, we literally felt our hearts open and our bodies relax. It really has been one of the best decisions we have made!
Each person comes to the decision differently. Take some time, especially if you have been taking IF drugs. Those things really do a job on your mind and body. Relax and think it out a bit. Things will become clear when you listen to your heart for a little while.
In the meantime, here we are. As someone else said, we are a very open and kind board. Always feel free to share your thoughts, fears, and frustrations. We've all been there and we totally get it! Good luck!!!!
I agree with several others here that IF and adoption are both very difficult. I also agree with you that it can seem harder than IF at times. Once you match with a child I sort of relate it to someone with reoccurant losses, you are cautiously optimistic that this will be your child but you have no control if the baby will actually get placed in your arms. Then once you have the baby there are factors that can still keep the baby from being your forever child.
Like others have said we too always knew we wanted to adopt but we also wanted to try and have a biological child first. After a year of IF treatments with DH (and 5 years with my previous husband) DH and I decided why wait anymore, we above all wanted to be a parent and started adoption. We will try to cycle again in the fall to use my remaining meds but will also start the adoption process and see which one occurs first.
This really helps, as well as everyone's responses. I guess the process is just so overwhelming - where do you even start? We have boatloads of medical bills from health issues pre-IF treatments (well, to us it seems like it is - $25K). Most of the IF treatment costs were covered by insurance and we could still do 1-2 more IUIs under coverage, but I couldn't handle any more mentally. The blood work sucked so bad, especially at the end when I was bruised. I never want to go back! Yup, I was the lady sitting in the lab with heat pads on both arms praying the tech would be able to find a vein....still sitting there as you walked back out after getting both blood work and u/s done. It sucked so bad.
Adoption seems out of our reach because of the costs associated with it. We were told it'd be around $30K or more to adopt since we live in a hcol area. I guess I'm also guarding my heart because IF sucks and treatments totally sucked. We were so hopeful and crushed with each one. So I guess I'm also scared to be hopeful that we could one day even be parents. I guess my hesitancy is also that we'll get all the way to where a baby is almost placed in our arms and the birth mom decides to keep her child. I don't know if I could handle that heart break. I know I'm rambling...
Thanks for welcoming me and I look forward to learning from you all.
PAIF/SAIF welcome
PCOS-IR / Hypothyroid
IUI#1-3: 100mg Clomid + Ovidrel trigger = BFN