Coming out to a coworker advice

sarahaaron08 · March 2012

When I came out to my boss about our issues he mentioned another coworker of mine (male) who has twins as a result of fertility treatments. I have never spoken to this coworker about our issues due to the fact of he hasn?t mentioned it to me. The reason I am asking if and how I should talk to him is because he would have used the same RE that I am using. I am from a small town and my RE is the only one within 100 miles so everyone within an hour to two go to my RE. I would like to get his opinion and experience. It isn?t necessary that I do this, and I do not want to come off as nosy so I have really been hesitant to bring it up.

This morning I was sitting in my cube and I overheard a conversation he was having with a fellow male coworker (There are only 2 females on my floor of 30 men). The other coworker was complaining about how he felt sick when he found out his wife was pregnant and how it?s been nothing but a money sucker since she was born. I believe the little girl is now 3. He loves her, I can tell he does. I don?t believe he appreciates her though. Coworker who had 3T went off on him. Pretty much told him that he had no idea what he had and he needed to be more appreciative of his gift and thank God for it. I sat in my little cube grinning with satisfaction Big Smile . This has made me want to reach out to him, but again I don?t want to over steps my boundaries and with it being a male that makes it even more awkward.

If you were me would you ask him about his experience or let it go and just keep trucking along and doing my work? If it makes a difference I would talk with him through IM and not face to face. We use a messenger system to speak with each other. I did ask my work husband and he said that coworker is always open and very easy to talk with.

katib77 · March 2012

Is there a chance to "come out" of the IF closet around him without asking him outright, so if he wants to talk about it he can approach you himself? Like maybe name drop the doctor?

Since I am so open, I had the Dr. Pepper vendor ask me if I had children and I outright said that we were dealing with infertility and dealing with treatment. Turns out his two children are the product of ART with an RE and he too is very open about it. Even told me it was MFI (which I thought was surprising for a man to admit). It's funny to have a man be the most encouraging at work and ask me how treatment is going, when we're cycling next, not to give up hope, etc. But it's really nice and refreshing! Mainly because, again, it's someone who really "gets it".

So I say any IRL advice or support is good. But then again, not everyone is as open so if he doesn't want it known, he may feel a bit betrayed that the boss let the cat out of the bag to you. If you do IM, be honest how you found out, so he know it's not a huge offive gossip thing.

Penguin523 · March 2012

That?s a hard situation. If you have questions, or just want someone to talk with who has been through a similar experience IRL I would def. talk to him.

It's a hard conversation to start with someone, but maybe you could go with him to lunch or you and DH could go to dinner with him and his wife. That way you can talk and ask questions and be able to judge his reaction face to face.

Otherwise, if he is open about having gone through treatments, and you want to talk to him only through IM then maybe say something like " I have started seeing Dr. ____ and (boss) told me that you and your wife had also seen him/her. I was wondering if you would be willing to share your experiences/thoughts about the doctor/treatments." I would make sure that he was open about it first because if he told your boss in confidence then he might be annoyed that boss spilled the beans.

sarahaaron08 · March 2012

Thats awesome that you have the support of the Dr. Pepper guy at work! Im sure you love to see him come. I do have support at work from my work husband and my boss also.

You hit the nail on the head with why Im hesitant to speak with him. I dont want to over step my boundaries. I thought about maybe sending him a note and telling him thank you for standing up to "other" coworker that it meant more to me than he would ever know, but if I did that it sounds like I was over listening. I guess I was Embarrassed ..... Anyone would have heard that convo though. Im in a small building and there are only 3 of us here at 630am and his cubical is right beside mine.

slouise12 · March 2012

Can you say you overheard his conversation with the other man and kind of use that to lead in to the conversation? Like "I heard you talking to coworker X the other day and wanted to tell you I think it was great what you said to him" then mention that you and your DH are having TTC and see if he opens up on his own. I wouldn't want to mention the boss telling you bc that may create tension between the two.

sarahaaron08 · March 2012

Thanks for the advice... I think I may try to think of a clever way to tell him thank you for standing up to X......

Luckily my boss is just one of his friends and not HIS boss, but I dont want to cause any drama or tension between anyone over this. Its not that important ha.

Native+Girl · March 2012

I think that's a good idea - to use the conversation you overheard to break the ice. Say something like, "I overheard your convo with XY and wanted to say thank you. Some people don't realize how lucky they are and how badly others might want what they have." Then if you feel comfortable, maybe open the door and say you're dealing with IF so it breaks your heart to hear someone complain about their children when you're working so hard to try to have them.

KUP on what you decide and how it goes!

Coming out to a coworker advice

Re: Coming out to a coworker advice

Choose Another Board

Search Boards