Adult adoptee contacting birth mom
Note: I may DD this later due to personal info.
My husband is an adoptee. He recently came to possess all of the documentation from his adoption (long story), and it seems that the birth mother knew the names of his adoptive parents, but they did not know her name. It was by all other measures a 'closed' adoption - his adoptive parents took him home and began caring for him when he was only 5 days old, and there was never any contact between them and birth mother.
He has known his birth mother's name for some time but never felt the urge to contact her. His perspective (as he tells it to me) was always that his adoptive family is his "real" family in every way that matters, and why would he want to meet a stranger who's never shown any interest in contacting him, just to potentially complicate both of their lives?
However, now that we have a child of our own he has been thinking about this more, and through internet research he has located a woman he is 99% certain is his birth mother. He wants to send her a letter (I don't know what exactly he wants to write at this point), but is concerned about her feeling like her privacy is being completely invaded.
He has her name completely legally - our state passed a law 10ish years ago allowing adoptees to request their original birth certificate, which he did, and her name was listed on there.
I think he just wants to know more about the circumstances surrounding her choice to place him with an adoptive family, and potentially know more about his biological family/medical history, etc.
Apologies if this is an ignorant question, but is this kind of contact completely out of line? I mean 37 years ago she made a choice, which he wants to respect, but obviously he has a choice to make as well.
Any thoughts, experiences, advice on how to approach this if he does decide to contact her is appreciated.
Re: Adult adoptee contacting birth mom
I think that your husband can definitely reach out to her and send her the letter. Then she can make the decision of whether or not to contact him.
I think it's very understandable that your husband wants to get in touch with her at this point.
I'm an adult adoptee and I was reunited with my mom almost 8 years ago. My adoption was completely closed. I was only able to find her and contact her because my adoptive parents saw some papers they weren't suppossed to see on a clerks first day.
My mom and I have had many conversations about my adoption and adoption in general. My mom is friends with a lot of women who gave their children up for adoption. One of the arguments frequently heard about closed records is the "right of the birthparent to privacy". My mom has said that out of the almost 20 friends she has who have placed children not one was promised privacy. Many of these women didn't want a closed adoption but didn't have a choice or know they had one.
Without knowing the situation you don't know if she wanted privacy or not. It's possible she may but don't assume anything. Adoption was very different 37 years ago. I think your DH should write her a letter to let her know the door is open. If she decides to contact him after that it's up to her.