Adult adoptee contacting birth mom

Mrs.Felicity

Note: I may DD this later due to personal info.

My husband is an adoptee.  He recently came to possess all of the documentation from his adoption (long story), and it seems that the birth mother knew the names of his adoptive parents, but they did not know her name.  It was by all other measures a 'closed' adoption - his adoptive parents took him home and began caring for him when he was only 5 days old, and there was never any contact between them and birth mother.

He has known his birth mother's name for some time but never felt the urge to contact her. His perspective (as he tells it to me) was always that his adoptive family is his "real" family in every way that matters, and why would he want to meet a stranger who's never shown any interest in contacting him, just to potentially complicate both of their lives?

However, now that we have a child of our own he has been thinking about this more, and through internet research he has located a woman he is 99% certain is his birth mother.  He wants to send her a letter (I don't know what exactly he wants to write at this point), but is concerned about her feeling like her privacy is being completely invaded.

He has her name completely legally - our state passed a law 10ish years ago allowing adoptees to request their original birth certificate, which he did, and her name was listed on there.

I think he just wants to know more about the circumstances surrounding her choice to place him with an adoptive family, and potentially know more about his biological family/medical history, etc.

Apologies if this is an ignorant question, but is this kind of contact completely out of line?  I mean 37 years ago she made a choice, which he wants to respect, but obviously he has a choice to make as well.

Any thoughts, experiences, advice on how to approach this if he does decide to contact her is appreciated.

Patches08

I'm a birthmom in an open adoption, I'll be 27 and my DD will be 8 soon. I see past the medical history standpoint in reaching out to your husbands birthmom. Even if the relationship with my DD closes (by no decision of mine) I'd want nothing more then to reconnect with her as an adult. I know my prespective is different since I'm in a very open adoption but I see no harm in reaching out to her. She might be thrilled ...give her time to process everything if he decides to reach out to her. I'm part of a birthmom group, some of the BM's placed 30 some years ago and are in reunion with the child they placed.. and I haven't heard any of them express a privacy violation after being found. I bet she thinks about him everyday. Good luck! Eta: wording

futuremrsofficer

I'm both an adoptee and have adopted a child. I met with my birth mother and it brought a lot  of closure for me. I have somewhat of a relationship with her, but I don't regret reaching out to find out more about her. I was adopted 30 years ago when everything was closed for the most part.

Art Teacher

I think that your husband can definitely reach out to her and send her the letter.  Then she can make the decision of whether or not to contact him. 

I think it's very understandable that your husband wants to get in touch with her at this point. 

sabrina69barnes

I'm an adult adoptee and I was reunited with my mom almost 8 years ago. My adoption was completely closed. I was only able to find her and contact her because my adoptive parents saw some papers they weren't suppossed to see on a clerks first day.

My mom and I have had many conversations about my adoption and adoption in general. My mom is friends with a lot of women who gave their children up for adoption. One of the arguments frequently heard about closed records is the "right of the birthparent to privacy". My mom has said that out of the almost 20 friends she has who have placed children not one was promised privacy. Many of these women didn't want a closed adoption but didn't have a choice or know they had one.

Without knowing the situation you don't know if she wanted privacy or not. It's possible she may but don't assume anything. Adoption was very different 37 years ago. I think your DH should write her a letter to let her know the door is open. If she decides to contact him after that it's up to her.