After all the tears I have cried during my pregnancy, not one was shed after. I don't understand. I went 17 hours of induced labor med free because I wanted to experience everything and give him a shot to have a heartbeat when he arrived. But no, he didn't make it anyway.
I held him in my arms, told him I loved him and kissed him goodbye... and still nothing. I am just numb to all feeling. Even now, I am sitting at home, sore with my milk aready in, and all I can do is stare at the damn memory box. Another box I have to add to my collection. I can't even open it because I can't bring myself to see the pictures.
I feel like this is all a dream and tomorrow I'll wake up and be back to pregnant life. Even my mind is playing tricks on me. I swear I can still feel his little kicks. We meet with the funeral director tomorrow to sign the paperwork for the cremation... maybe it will hit then. I don't know. I really hate this.
You would think I'd be a pro at this by now...Sorry, don't mind my pity party.
Our baby boy,Logan, was born still at 19w3d on 7/1/2011
Our 2nd baby boy, Mason, was born still at 20w3d on 1/31/2012
After a much needed sanity break... we are praying for our rainbows
((BFP 7/29/13)) ((EDD 4/12/14)) It's BOY/GIRL twins!!!
Re: Just numb...
::Ticker warning::
I hope it's okay if I offer you some words of comfort. I guess I don't really know any words that will comfort you though. It doesn't help you to say that I'm sorry, or that you're in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could offer you a real hug and let you just talk, or cry, or stare, or whatever you needed to do. It is my sincerest hope that you have somebody in your life that can do this for you, but we are all here for you too. I am sorry, I'm sorry your milk came in, that you have the phantom kicks, that you have to meet with the funeral director once again. I hope you never have to become a pro at this. I hope you know of the love you have here in this board, and that you can cry/vent about anything here. I know I'm not speaking just for myself when I say there really is a great love for you here, and we're here whenever you need. You really are in my constant thoughts and prayers, I hope tomorrow and the next few days go as well as they can for you and that you are able to find comfort, solace and peace in this process. (((huge hugs)))
2nd BFP 10/10/11, EDD 6/2/12,natural m/c 10/13/11 at 6w5d
3rd BFP 12/25/11, DD born 8/31/12
5th BFP 11/15, DS born 7/24/16
6th BFP 7/14/16, EDD 3/20/18
Oh figgs, I am so sorry. I am sending you the biggest hugs I have.
Not the same I know, but I didn't cry either for a very long time after we miscarried. I had already cried for the whole year because DS had passed that I had no more tears left... I felt so numb and dumbfounded. The absence of tears isn't a reflection or indication of anything other than a mama who has gone through far too much.
I know we always say it, but be gentle with yourself. Let the tears come when they're ready and be very kind with your heart, body and self.
We are here for you. (((hugs)))
? to Loss+M/PL+TTCAL+PgAL+PAL
PgAL/PAL welcome
Source: weheartit.com via Captain on Pinterest
Congrats to Heatherhah! Baby girl has finally arrived!
Congrats to my Labor Buddy SouthernBellaKS
BFP #2 - Sylvie V. Q. born and died on 10.28.11 at 21w.
BFP #3 - Evie V. Q. Fetal demise @ 16w. DC 7.8.12
BFP #4 - Beatrix V. Q. Born 6.2.13 at 23w6d.
My blog My chart
Figgs, I am so sorry. I wish I had some words of wisdom, or could at least give you a hug. I didn't shed a tear at DD #1's funeral. I had spent hours crying next to her bed at the hospital and I just felt like I was out of tears. Just go with whatever you are feeling and don't worry about what others think. You are in my thoughts
DD #1 passed away in January 2011 at 14 days old due to congenital heart disease
DD#2 lost in January 2012 at 23 weeks due to anhydramnios caused by a placental abruption
Figgs I included you in my prayers this morning during my devotional time and will continue to daily.
Our first losses were close together and I remember sharing with you on some posts then. My heart is just broken that you are having to relive this hell. It is just horrible and there is no way to sugar coat it. I am seeing a grief counselor now to process grief I just denied and she recommended a book called Good Grief to me. I would love to send you a copy too if you want one...even if you don't want to read it for awhile. If you email me your address I will send to you - jenn (dot) craver (at) yahoo (dot) com. We have a likely 25% chance of it happening to us again too. There are just no guarantees in life - as we all know here.
It is perfectly fine that you have not cried yet. Grief is a journey and everyone walks through it differently. I did not cry at all at my daughter's funeral and I remember thinking "what is wrong with you - try to cry or people will think you are crazy." But I couldn't. But then 8 months later I can burst out bawling for no apparent reason because I miss my baby so much. Shock and numbness are very, very normal. They protect us from it all hitting at once which would be too much to bear. In time you will cry, and we will all be here for you. If that takes days, weeks or months....it is your grief and it is normal for you.
Please know that we are all here for you....truly. If you need a texting friend, email me and I would be honored to support you. LoveofMikesLife and I have made great friends as text buddies and I cherish her friendship so much. Sometimes just having someone to "talk" to that understands can help.
I am so sorry for the loss of Mason.
Hugs,
Jenn
We are so thankful that our second daughter, Lillian Elizabeth "Lily", was born healthy and happy on February 11, 2013. We love her to pieces.
We lost our first daughter, Hannah Grace on May 4, 2011. She was buried on May 14 during a beautiful service at my home church. We are grateful that if she could not be here with us, that she is healed and whole with the Lord. We look forward to the day when we will get to meet her. We love her so much.
Married the love of my life 7/11/09 - Our first baby, Peyton Mark, was born sleeping 10/25/11 at 33 weeks - Our second baby, BFP 2/4/12, welcome to the world Raylan! Holy Moly, BPF 2/4/14, please be safe and sound little one!
My Blog
**DS picture warning**
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I'm so sorry that you have to do this again. Be good to yourself! I think it makes sense to be numb. It's so much to take and I think sometimes kind of shutting down is the only way we get through it. I'm so sorry.
Thank you ladies for your support and kind words. Going back, I can not believe all the love and support TB has shown us. Now that I am home, I just saw how much this spread over the boards. I am truly touched that so many have kept us in their thoughts and prayed for a miracle.
Grief counseling is definitely in my immediate future. I am just trying to make that first call. The first step is always the hardest and I am just not ready to acknowledge it yet.
Our baby boy,Logan, was born still at 19w3d on 7/1/2011
Our 2nd baby boy, Mason, was born still at 20w3d on 1/31/2012
After a much needed sanity break... we are praying for our rainbows
((BFP 7/29/13)) ((EDD 4/12/14)) It's BOY/GIRL twins!!!
Figgs,
I don't think I have the right words to say to you. What you're going through is so unfair; it's unfair to all of us. And no one should be a pro at burying their child. No one.
We're all here for you. I just wish I could be there in person and just have you vent, cry, yell, scream, talk and I would just listen. Just giving you so many hugs right now.
Callan George and Bennett Charles born and died 11/7/10
FET #1 April 2011= BFN
FET #2 July 2011= no transfer because my lining sucked
FET #3 February 2012= BFP! 1st beta 9dp5dt=314 2nd beta 11dp5dt=977 1st U/S 3/20 Twins- Heart rates of 111 and 138
Living After Losing
***Congratulations to my TTCAL buddy Roxyttandme!! It's a GIRL!! Charlotte arrived on 9/29!!!!***
PGaL/PAL Always Welcome!!
This. All of our hearts are aching for you. This just isn't fair.
TTC Since 10/08 4 IUIs=BFNx4
IVF#1=BFP!! Twins!!
Bradley and Billy born and lost on 2/2/11 at 19w2d due to pPROM/PTL. I miss you, little angels.
IVF#2=BFN
IVF#3=c/p IVF#4=Empty Follicle Syndrome; 1 mature, fertilized, & made it to blast. 5dt of "the lone ranger" on 9/6. Please stick, little one!
I mostly lurk, but I didn't want to leave the post without at least throwing a big hug or two at 'cha. I'm terribly sorry for your loss, I really am.
I GET the numb part. I'm going thru it myself in a different way. (our son will likely die at birth, I'm CTT) I think it's partly our minds and hearts protecting ourselves, and well, I think we can only handle so much saddness, you know? (I have a long history of losses, most early)
Obviously you need to just be kind to yourself, and "ride the wave" that is about to come again, and again, and again.... set yourself up for friends and support down the way... when people ask you to meet up for lunch, be honest and do what you want, but throw in a "thanks, no thanks, but will you please ask me again in 2 weeks?" so you have that support when the dust settles.
It's not a pity party, hon. You're going through a MASSIVE loss.
Again.
I can't imagine to know how that must feel, but it's LIFE CHANGING. Try not to minimize it. You have every "right" to be a hot mess over this. ;-)
I'm inserting corny photo here, to at least push a tiny smile from ya, lol.
.
Twice is just unbelievable. I am so sorry.
The phantom kicks and your milk are just a kick in the teeth. I am so sorry that you are going through all this.
Early loss 10/08
Lap 1/09
IVF #1 "natural IVF" - 1 egg retrieved, missed m/c
Tried several mini-stim cycles with no response
Switched clinics - dx'd as carrier for Fragile X
IVF #2 MDL protocol Jan/Feb converted to IUI, BFN
IVF #2 take 2: Antagonist, one embie, BFN
IVF #3: Antagonist, no fertilization
One last ditch effort at OE IVF (antagonist with Clomid) cancelled
DE cycle #1 Jan/Feb 2011, BFP, ectopic
DE cycle #2 June/July 2011 - BFP
10/28/11 Baby girl lost at 17 weeks due to pre-term labor. We love and miss you.
DE cycle #3 June/July 2012 - BFP, twins, both heartbeats stopped, D&C
2 frosties but don't know what's next
FET Dec 2012: BFP! Praying this one sticks for the long haul!
So many hugs sweetie. I don't think having your baby die is something anyone would ever get used to.
You are in my thoughts.
Me: PCOS, Blood/Immune Issues DH: Low all 3
Jun.- Sep. 2010 IUI#1-#3 = BFN
Oct. 2010 = IVF #1 = B/G Twins (passed away Feb. 2011)
May 2011 = Myomectomy and trans-abdominal cerclage (TAC)
Sep. 2011 = Surprise BFP = C/P
Feb. 2012 = sFET #1 = BFN
Feb.2012 = Hail Mary IUI #4 = BFN
April/May 2012 = FET #2 w/our last two embies = BFP (Please let this be it!)
Beta #1 8dp5/6dt = 234 Beta #2 10dp5/6dt = 695 Beta #3 12dp5/6dt = 1796 Beta #4 17dp5/6dt = 17,888 U/S #1 May 17, 2012 = Twins
Baby B's heart stop beating at 9 weeks 5 days
Our little miracle baby is a boy.
Baby Boy Owen and Baby Girl Avery were born too early on Feb. 13, 2011 due to a pedunculated fibroid, incompetent cervix and suspected placental abruption.
"What the heart has once owned and had, it shall never lose." - Henry Ward Beecher
SAIF/PAIF Welcome
Lots of love and luck to my PAIF/3T/IF Veteran ladies, especially my dear friend Zookie. Congrats to Papps, Teach84 and Starbuck on their little ones.
Figgs, my heart breaks that you've had to go through another devastating loss. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Mason. Continued T&P your way. We're here for you if you need us. Big (((HUGS)))
BFP #2 - EDD 2/26/12 M/C 6/28/11 @ 5w2d
BFP #3 - EDD 4/7/12 M/C 8/2/11 @ 4w2d
Too beautiful for this earth
BFP #4 - EDD 12/09/12, Lucille arrived 11/26/12
Oh Figgs. I'm so so sorry you are back here. You have been on my mind a lot lately.
It's okay not to cry. It doesn't mean you don't love Mason. What you went through to try to save him is a testament to that.
I really wish there was something I could say to make it better, but I know there isn't. You know that we are here for you.
All I can do is tell you how much I am aching for you right now. None of us should have been through this once, never never in a million years twice.
I am so sorry.
BFP #2 - 04/04/12, 1st Beta @ 9DPO 19, 2nd Beta @ 13 DPO 168. 1st u/s - 4/30/12 - we have a heartbeat!!
* * PGAL/PAL/TTCAL Always Welcome! * *