Just numb...

figgs0831

After all the tears I have cried during my pregnancy, not one was shed after.  I don't understand.  I went 17 hours of induced labor med free because I wanted to experience everything and give him a shot to have a heartbeat when he arrived.  But no, he didn't make it anyway.

I held him in my arms, told him I loved him and kissed him goodbye... and still nothing.  I am just numb to all feeling. Even now, I am sitting at home, sore with my milk aready in, and all I can do is stare at the damn memory box.  Another box I have to add to my collection. I can't even open it because I can't bring myself to see the pictures.

I feel like this is all a dream and tomorrow I'll wake up and be back to pregnant life. Even my mind is playing tricks on me.  I swear I can still feel his little kicks.  We meet with the funeral director tomorrow to sign the paperwork for the cremation... maybe it will hit then. I don't know.  I really hate this.

You would think I'd be a pro at this by now...Sorry, don't mind my pity party.

 

 

 

 

 

savykay

::Ticker warning::

 

I hope it's okay if I offer you some words of comfort.  I guess I don't really know any words that will comfort you though.  It doesn't help you to say that I'm sorry, or that you're in my thoughts and prayers.  I wish I could offer you a real hug and let you just talk, or cry, or stare, or whatever you needed to do.  It is my sincerest hope that you have somebody in your life that can do this for you, but we are all here for you too.  I am sorry, I'm sorry your milk came in, that you have the phantom kicks, that you have to meet with the funeral director once again.  I hope you never have to become a pro at this.  I hope you know of the love you have here in this board, and that you can cry/vent about anything here.  I know I'm not speaking just for myself when I say there really is a great love for you here, and we're here whenever you need.  You really are in my constant thoughts and prayers, I hope tomorrow and the next few days go as well as they can for you and that you are able to find comfort, solace and peace in this process. (((huge hugs)))

pb127

Oh figgs, I am so sorry. I am sending you the biggest hugs I have.

Not the same I know, but I didn't cry either for a very long time after we miscarried. I had already cried for the whole year because DS had passed that I had no more tears left... I felt so numb and dumbfounded. The absence of tears isn't a reflection or indication of anything other than a mama who has gone through far too much.

I know we always say it, but be gentle with yourself. Let the tears come when they're ready and be very kind with your heart, body and self.

We are here for you.  (((hugs)))

eroplane

I am so sorry. I don't know what to say. So so sorry. Big hugs. 

drvst8

Figgs I am so sorry for your loss. No one should have to go through this once let alone twice. Take your time...cry when you care ready. We are always here when you need to talk.

lrichmond86

I so sorry that you have to go through this again.  It is unfair and terrible and I wish that it was an experience that no one ever had to have.  I know it takes time, but wishing you peace and healing in this awful time.  Big hugs!

dandywarhol

I'm sure you're still in shock.  Tears aren't the only sign of grieving so be gentle with yourself.  I think it is fair to say that the bump's collective heart aches for you and for Mason.  We are hear for you when the tears do come or any other time.  

Heatherhah

I'm so sorry Figgs! I pray you find some sort of peace if there is any at all. Huge Hugs!!!

Mjmksb04

Figgs, I am so sorry. I wish I had some words of wisdom, or could at least give you a hug. I didn't shed a tear at DD #1's funeral. I had spent hours crying next to her bed at the hospital and I just felt like I was out of tears. Just go with whatever you are feeling and don't worry about what others think. You are in my thoughts

krysiahamaty

Words can not express the sorrow I feel for you. It's so unfair. You are in shock which is understandable. Big hugs and I am so so sorry.

ally2011

Figgs I included you in my prayers this morning during my devotional time and will continue to daily.  

Our first losses were close together and I remember sharing with you on some posts then.  My heart is just broken that you are having to relive this hell.  It is just horrible and there is no way to sugar coat it.  I am seeing a grief counselor now to process grief I just denied and she recommended a book called Good Grief to me.  I would love to send you a copy too if you want one...even if you don't want to read it for awhile.  If you email me your address I will send to you - jenn (dot) craver (at) yahoo (dot) com.  We have a likely 25% chance of it happening to us again too.  There are just no guarantees in life - as we all know here.

It is perfectly fine that you have not cried yet.  Grief is a journey and everyone walks through it differently.  I did not cry at all at my daughter's funeral and I remember thinking "what is wrong with you - try to cry or people will think you are crazy."  But I couldn't.  But then 8 months later I can burst out bawling for no apparent reason because I miss my baby so much.   Shock and numbness are very, very normal.  They protect us from it all hitting at once which would be too much to bear.  In time you will cry, and we will all be here for you.  If that takes days, weeks or months....it is your grief and it is normal for you.  

Please know that we are all here for you....truly.  If you need a texting friend, email me and I would be honored to support you.  LoveofMikesLife and I have made great friends as text buddies and I cherish her friendship so much.  Sometimes just having someone to "talk" to that understands can help.

I am so sorry for the loss of Mason.

Hugs,

Jenn 

Gizu92708

There are no words that I will tell you that will change this moment for you. Just know that we are all here for you to cry with you when you are ready. Grieving is much more than just crying. Whenever you want to talk about anything just know that we are here for you. ((hugs))

Petunia844

Everyone has said it perfectly, but I just wanted to offer my support.  Please don't worry about if you have cried or not, you are a grieving mother...whatever you feel in your heart is exactly what you need to do in that moment.  Be gentle with yourself and know that other's perception of your grief should be of no concern to you.  Other people just do not understand and are in no position to question a grieving mother.  I wish I could hug you in real life, but know I have been thinking of you and your family often, Mason will be loved and missed by many forever.

niknak1128

**DS picture warning**

 I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I'm so sorry that you have to do this again. Be good to yourself! I think it makes sense to be numb. It's so much to take and I think sometimes kind of shutting down is the only way we get through it.  I'm so sorry.

figgs0831

Thank you ladies for your support and kind words.  Going back, I can not believe all the love and support TB has shown us.  Now that I am home, I just saw how much this spread over the boards.  I am truly touched that so many have kept us in their thoughts and prayed for a miracle.

Grief counseling is definitely in my immediate future.  I am just trying to make that first call.  The first step is always the hardest and I am just not ready to acknowledge it yet. 

foxxy1

Figgs,

I don't think I have the right words to say to you. What you're going through is so unfair; it's unfair to all of us. And no one should be a pro at burying their child. No one.

We're all here for you. I just wish I could be there in person and just have you vent, cry, yell, scream, talk and I would just listen. Just giving you so many hugs right now.

krissywave

:::HUGS::: sad thing is you know every passing day will be easier.  I wish none of us would know the heartache you are feeling.  I have many T&P for you

LoveOfMikesLife

I remember that exact feeling not to long ago.... I'm so sorry that you ate going through this again! It's not fair. I know there is nothing I can say to make this better but please know that I am always here for you! If you need someone to cry to, scream at or just be bitter to, I am here for you! Please let me know if you need anything

cookie_queen

Oh sweets! There are simply no words for right now. I'm so so very sorry you are going through this again.

LuckEinLuv

I am so sorry Figgs. Words can't express how I feel about the fact that you have to go through this pain a second time. Do not feel guilt for not crying. I have a very hard time crying over Andrew, although I want to. Please know that you can always turn to me if you need someone. 

Jackie2200

dandywarhol:

I'm sure you're still in shock.  Tears aren't the only sign of grieving so be gentle with yourself.  I think it is fair to say that the bump's collective heart aches for you and for Mason.  We are hear for you when the tears do come or any other time.  

This.  All of our hearts are aching for you.  This just isn't fair. 

DavezWife

 I mostly lurk, but I didn't want to leave the post without at least throwing a big hug or two at 'cha. I'm terribly sorry for your loss, I really am.

 

I GET the numb part. I'm going thru it myself in a different way. (our son will likely die at birth, I'm CTT) I think it's partly our minds and hearts protecting ourselves, and well, I think we can only handle so much saddness, you know? (I have a long history of losses, most early)

Obviously you need to just be kind to yourself, and "ride the wave" that is about to come again, and again, and again.... set yourself up for friends and support down the way... when people ask you to meet up for lunch, be honest and do what you want, but throw in a "thanks, no thanks, but will you please ask me again in 2 weeks?" so you have that support when the dust settles.

It's not a pity party, hon. You're going through a MASSIVE loss.

Again.

I can't imagine to know how that must feel, but it's LIFE CHANGING. Try not to minimize it. You have every "right" to be a hot mess over this.  ;-)

I'm inserting corny photo here, to at least push a tiny smile from ya, lol.

.

 

JessicaRobb

Twice is just unbelievable. I am so sorry.

The phantom kicks and your milk are just a kick in the teeth. I am so sorry that you are going through all this. 

may2806

I am so sorry for everything you have been through. ((HUGS))

mdluv21

So many hugs sweetie.  I don't think having your baby die is something anyone would ever get used to.

You are in my thoughts.

Carolee

Figgs, my heart breaks that you've had to go through another devastating loss.  I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Mason.  Continued T&P your way.  We're here for you if you need us.  Big (((HUGS)))

AmyG2b

Figgs, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I can't believe this happened to you again. It breaks my heart, and it's so unfair. We are here for you. Hugs. 

weddedwife

Oh Figgs. I'm so so sorry you are back here. You have been on my mind a lot lately.

It's okay not to cry. It doesn't mean you don't love Mason. What you went through to try to save him is a testament to that.

 I really wish there was something I could say to make it better, but I know there isn't. You know that we are here for you.

pottermommy

All I can do is tell you how much I am aching for you right now.  None of us should have been through this once, never never in a million years twice. 

I am so sorry.

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lau1021

i am from the TTCAL board and saw your story on that board. I just wanted to stop over and tell you how sorry i am for your loss. you are in my thoughts & prayers (((hugs)))