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Blended Families
BC: Help me understand. Warning: Soapbox rant.
I'm going to probably piss some people off here. Not intentional, but I really need help understanding this.
My background: I grew up Catholic, so I was taught to save myself for my husband, blah, blah, blah...I had that upbringing. I was not taught BC because it's against our religion. Abstinence was taught and I barely spoke to my mother about it. Her sex talk came about a month or two into my first year at college. "You have to be really careful when you are with a guy because sometimes...it's just hard to stop. So, make sure you are being foolish. Keep your head clear and be smart. And stop." That was it. That education worked until I was just shy of my 19th birthday when I lost my virginity. BUT I MADE DAMN SURE MY BOYFRIEND WORE A CONDOM. (Yup. I was a bad Catholic girl and went against my religion.) After that, I made sure I was at least on birth control, and even then I made the guy where a condom because of the AIDS scare, and just thought of any other STD just made me think, "Yeah. I don't want that and no sex with any man is worth that crap. I took control of my reproductive system and my own personal health.
It wasn't hard. It was a no brainer to me. Especially in this day and age when it's available to all walks of life. Way I see it - if you can afford that night out that made you stupid enough to have that dumb one night stand that got you pregnant...you can afford to think about and pay for BC when you are clear headed BEFORE that foolish move. I was pretty poor in college. Still found a way to pay for it. And if I didn't - I abstained or he covered it up.
So. This is my confusion.
In recent years I have met more girls and grownass women who say, "Oh, I didn't know I could get pregnant" or "Ooopsie! Surprise! I somehow got pregnant!" and it's bad timing, it's not right for their lives or their situation. And the kicker that gets me - many of these women have gotten pregnant before. And then they worry and stew about how it will affect their lives and the people around them that are already in a tough situation that is not ready for another little innocent being. I see it as SO unfair to that baby.
Now, I get that there are accidental pregnancies - BC does fail - but I don't think it has to be to the degree that I hear and see. Do people just not take having children seriously enough that they don't look around at their lives and the people in it that they don't stop to think if it's a good time or a good move and what kind of life they would bring this child into?? I'm slapping my forehead trying to figure out why this is so hard for so many people.
I was 41 before I got pregnant. And it was by choice. It was planned. I got pregnant EASILY. So how did I manage to have 22 years of sex without getting pregnant? How?
Well let's see....I educated myself, had serious conversations with my doctor(s) about my options and my plan to have children, and there are MULTIPLE ways of preventing it and I took advantage of it. I also considered that other people and an innocent baby would be involved if I did act irresponsibly and not take this seriously.
I know. I'm on my preachy soap box - but am I alone in this thinking???
I just don't get it. To me, accidental pregnancies should be fewer these days - not more common.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: BC: Help me understand. Warning: Soapbox rant.
DD2 11.17.08
Okay, but you KNEW this right? You didn't give some silly excuse. You had a conversation with your doctor. You educated yourself. You knew there was a possibility. And I'm willing to bet from what you have told me, you were willing, and able to take on that responsibility IF you did get pregnant. Am I right? This isn't about you. You seem to be the minority of these oopsie pregnancies.
My point is it seems like there are way too many women who are not even considering all that you considered. It's like they are playing Russian Roulette. It's not like they don't know how babies are created.
Some of this stems from my converation with SD a couple days ago.
When she told us she was pregnant her excuse was, "I didn't think I could get pregnant". To which I cried BULLSH*T and said that she knew better because I repeatedly told her to never assume that and even sat in a conversation with her first OBGYN that told her as well.
And I was right. She DID know better. And she confessed she tried to get pregnant several times prior - AND, get this....she says to me, "I put it in God's hands". PLEAAAAASE. So I don't always buy people's excuse it was an accident - more like ulterior motive and poor/lazy planning.
I'm tired of hearing the lame excuse. Guess what? You're not fooling anyone.
Yes we knew there was a possibility but after charting and tracking and struggling with it with DD1 I was shocked as hell that I got pregnant with DD2 in one 5 minute quick session! And yes, I took on the responsibility (see siggy photo- she's 3 now
I'm not on here much and don't know the age of your SD but I think it is common among youth to always feel like 'that won't happen to ME!!!!' in all sorts of situations. I'm sorry she and you are in the situation, but yes I agree there are definitely definitive ways to ensure you do NOT get pregnant!
DD2 11.17.08
OPer is clearly not talking about this type of situation!
I completely agree with you! The pill is almost 99% effective, meaning that only 1% should be surprises. And I actually had a doctor tell me that the pill was 100% effective if taken at the same time every day but the makers have to cover their rear ends.
I've been sexually active since 15 years old and last year we decided to have a baby. I got pregnant immediately. So I went 12 years without getting pregnant and then when I made the decision, it happened right away. AND I wasn't especially good at taking my pills on time.
Back to the point, I agree. I think a lot of the "accidental" pregnancies that are occuring are a result of deliberate ignorance.
I hear what you are saying and I have wondered this about some people.
I started having sex at 15 (what the h*ll was I thinking???) and it was always protected. By 16 I was on the pill. I had a serious bf from 17-21 and sometimes we would get lazy and I am sure there were a few time when I just got lucky. If I would have got pg I would have known it was due to us getting sloppy.
BM#2 got pg in hs and had a abortion (there is no judgement here). Then she got pg by her bf at 20 (my now H) totally on accident and didn't want a child at the time. They kept her and got married when she was 6 months old. She finds out she is pg again totally on accident and didn't want a child at the time. They kept her and DH got a vasectomy. That is how two of my two SDs came to be. Some woman cheats on (my now H) and gets pg by her bf ending in abortion (I judge this time she is now 24). She and (my now H) try to work things out. She cheats with another man and gets pg again resulting in the 3rd abortion. She divorces my H and marrys this guy to have two more children (unplanned and unwanted by her statement) with no idea what happened.
You can't possibly get pg 7 time completely on accident and not wanted children at the time without me thinking there is something seriously wrong with you!!!!
My SD was 19 when she got pregnant. I predicted it - and prayed it wouldn't be true after all I did to educate her and give her the tools to prevent it. I told DH, "SD will get pregnant within a year of DD being born". And she did.
SD did not consider her life and the life she's bring her son into. And look. Now she has no control over her life, she's basically a live in babysitter to 4 very troubled boys and in an unhealthy verbally, possibly physically abusive relationship with the father. She stays because she really doesn't have any option other than moving in with us - which she knows I am against if she isn't ready to get her sh*t together.
And then I read other stories on here about women who "accidentally" get pregnant and oh my, now what do I do and how do I handle the tough situation I have now? And it's always after the fact that they realize what it's going to do to not just this new baby, but their other children.
It just bothers me to no end when they had control over it.
I don't disagree.
Maybe it's a spectrum with TTC on one end and TTA on the other. Then the gray area produces a lot of "accidents."
My parents are both pretty smart people. My mom is a nurse practitioner. I was a diaphragm accident and my youngest sister was a bcp accident. My dad had a vasectomy while my mom was pregnant with my youngest sister.
Before DH had his vasectomy, we used a combination of things, but always used 2 methods (charting + condoms or condoms + nuvaring or nuvaring + charting). I was terrified of getting pregnant again!
Before I had DD, I told my obgyn I wanted to get on a more permenant BC right after. I was planning it early in my 2nd trimester. I have an IUD that I won't have to worry about pills or pregancy until I'm in my early 50's. DH and I did not have sex for 2 1/2 months. He hated it, but guess what bubba - you have five chilren. 4 totally messed up. I don't want another one. Sex can freakin' wait.
DH himself says he was a dumass for not protecting himself or getting a vasectomy but says he's glad he didn't because he can't imagine life without DD. But he says he was an idiot for believing these women - WHO SAID THEY WERE PROTECTED, or "don't worry, I can't get pregnant". The mother of his two oldest girls - get this - told DH after she got pregnant during their ONS - "I didn't protect myself because I didn't think I could get pregnant because I never got pregnant before." Seriously? And then she went on to have DD2, while in an unhappy marriage with DH and while cheating on him. Seriously? So now that you learn you can get pregnant, you have another?
They are my age or a little older. So I know they had access to BC, and yet two of them said, "I didn't know" and three babies were born. SD's mom lied to DH and got pregnant in spite of him saying, "I don't want anymore children".
Selfish and stupid. And all of these oopsie kids are screwed up and all 4 adult children now have had kids out of wedlock. SS's is still debatable - I don't believe it's his - but he's claming it as his, and look at how messed up his life is. He doesn't need to be a father.
I will NEVER understand it or sympathize with people who have control over it, and yet don't do anything about it. Never.
Now, I get that there are accidental pregnancies - BC does fail - but I don't think it has to be to the degree that I hear and see. Do people just not take having children seriously enough that they don't look around at their lives and the people in it that they don't stop to think if it's a good time or a good move and what kind of life they would bring this child into?? I'm slapping my forehead trying to figure out why this is so hard for so many people.
I was 41 before I got pregnant. And it was by choice. It was planned. I got pregnant EASILY. So how did I manage to have 22 years of sex without getting pregnant? How?
Your soapbox is adorable. My soapbox reads like this "I hate people who get pregnant when they are too old and completely disregard the risks they are taking to the child's quality of life."
I don't disagree either. The older I get the more I have said "How did that happen!?!?" When refering to people I knew who got pregnant who did not want to get pregnant at that time. I just don't get it.
Obviously people are not using their heads. I completely understand that BCP's fail, and things like that. But I never understood. "OMG HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! I HAD UNPROTECTED SEX AND NOW I'M PREGNANT, WTF!!!"
Like, really?
I was on BCP for years, before I met H, and up until H and I decided to try for one. In the back of my mind I always knew that BC was not 100%, so by me not requiring H to wear a condom, there was always a chance I could get pregnant, ya know?
Aww, so nice of you to pop in.
I like to show up where people are judging others when they have done something that is incredibly judgable and act like they are proud of it.
That has nothing to do with the discussion, but thanks! Maybe you could go start this topic on TTC after 35 and see the response you get?
judge not lest ye be judged.
Are you judging in this post, or do you just stir the pot for fun?
https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/56143650.aspx
Aruis - 40's are not too old to have kids. Tell both my grandparents that who both had 10 kids from ages 20 - 40's and provided them a quality life and who now live productive, wonderful lives. Tell my little brother that. He has a wonderful life.
When I got pregnant, both adult kids were out of the home and looked like it was going to stay that way. I was determined to keep them and their drama out. I've managed that for almost 4 years now. I'm still going to manage it if it's the last thing I do. So her quality of life is actually pretty good right now and as a responsible mother, I am going to do my damndest to keep it that way.
She will get a college education. She will be raised with morals and standards. I will more than likely live to be in my 90's like most of my extensive and elderly relatives. She has a responsible, loving, healthy aunt that will take full custody if I DH and I are gone before she is of legal age. We have a financial plan if I do not. DH and I are committed that if I go first, DH will keep DD here, and will raise her here, with my family. We have a roof over our head. I have a good career. DH has just started a stable and growing business. Money is tight, but we pay our bills and we have a financial goal and strategy.
Yeah, DH has a few things to deal with when it comes to eliminating toxic people in his life,and not enabling his older kids, but he is and his kids still are not in our home. If he can't do this, I will seperate and continue to give my daugther a positive, healthy environment to live in. She will be raised with the help of my family who raised me. She will not turn out like her siblings because she will have minimal exposure to them and I will raise her better. DH wants that too. Yeah, I have to fight for it and make him aware that he's not making smart choices that may hinder that - and it's a struggle - but so far - I've won and SD has a stable, healthy home that I will fight to the death for if I have to.
Well go ahead and judge me back then. I just think it's funny that this woman is saying what other people should do when she risked growing a deformed or retarded baby in her dusty uterus.
I think a lot of situations (like your SD, and our BM for example) come down to selfishness. We live very much in a society of - I want what I want and I want it now. They know that they shouldn't get pregnant for whatever reason - financial situation, relationship, etc but they WANT to get pregnant. So they simply don't prevent it. They weren't trying, so they don't see themselves at fault when it happens, but they're still getting what they wanted.
You fail again. DH and I had this discussion. We were willing and would have gladly had and cared for a child with downs. (retarded is incredibly rude and classless by the way) and I discussed all of this with my doctors too. The chances of me having a child deformed or with downs was still highly unlikely. I have a healthy background - especially with grandparents and a parent who had healthy children late in life - and there was minimal concern.
I did my homework prior to making the decision.
Yeah, and she is failing miserably.
I just thought the whole "judge not" spiel was a little funny, since I've always seen her judging around TB.
I got pregnant with DS during a stupid "well I'm on my period it won't hurt nothing" moment at the age of 23. I was engaged already so we got married and thats that. Stupid yes and I definitely know way better now (and am on BC) but I would hate to think that I'm somehow less of a person because of it. The situation I brought him into would probably not be enviable by anyone here but neither of my children do without and we have a nice home with reliable transportation parked in the driveway.
I guess I probably fit that uneducated, too young and stupid stereotype. Now we made alot of sacrifices for both the kiddos- hell DH spent $5000 getting custody of his daughter (he's 23), we don't go out and have the basics and thats it. I guess in reality its more of a maturity issue.
My Dad has a saying that you don't wrestle with a pig because you both get dirty and the pig loves it.
This ignorant quote above with a "retarded baby in her dusty uterus" is only meant to inflame and get a reaction.
This is not the situation OPer is talking about either. You know how and why you got pg. You educated yourself to make better choices going forward. None of it makes you less of a person. There are people who are "IDK how this happened or why this happened to me" as if there actions had nothing to do with them getting pg.
Aruiz, did someone pee in your cheerios?
J+K I think many women claim they didn't know they would get pregnant so they won't get judged by others. Especially when (as you pointed out) the timing is all wrong, etc. Your SD was trying to get pregnant even though she told you a BS story about giving it up to God.
Then are those who try trapping a man in a relationship. DH's girlfriend before me told him she had an IUD, got pregnant after dating him for only six months, and then presured him to move in with her. She alread had 5 other children by 3 different men. When he and I discussed this "accidental pregnancy" as she called it - I blamed him. How can you enter a valley that fertile and not wear your rain coat? No matter what kind of BC she said she was on there is still the risk of disease (as you also pointed out).
So there is also the responsibility of the MEN who don't protect themselves. Those that beg women NOT to use condoms and so forth. They have just as much responsibility in getting pregnant. Not that accidental pregnancy doesn't happen. I just think there are many who lie about the circumstances.
Grief and loss and unresolved issues.
Bm had at least one abortion that we know of a year before she accidentally became pregnant at 23 with SS. She is now on her fifth "accidental" pregnancy.
She did not accidentally become pregnant any of these times. She wanted a family and someone to love her unlike she had in her childhood. The first guy she got pregnant with told her he wanted nothing to do with her or the pregnancy so she chose abortion. When she became pregnant with SS, DH said he would stick around and he tried for a few years before he gave up.
I am hard pressed to believe the majority of these women who choose to parent in bad situations (it's different with women choosing adoption) did not accidentally become pregnant. What they had was traumatic or upsetting childhoods, mixed with a sense of insecurity and voila you have baby. I will FORCE someone to stay with me for this child or I will make this child something positive in the face of past loss or grief. Does it ever work- no, not ever.
Women are far more intelligent than men. They have been controlling their own fertility for centuries. There are very few true oops pregnancy situations.
Exactly this, which is much better said than the way I put it.
And I have to say that I appreciate that you don't seem to think that just because you're younger means that you shouldn't be having kids. I keep getting the side eye from people as though they feel sorry for my 'situation' never realising that I'm a happily married woman who planned with her husband to have a child.
And to point out another aspect, Aruiz, age has very little to do with having children with any sort of disability. It can be a factor, yes, but it is by no means a guarantee. And the parents willingness to raise that child plays into quality of life far more than almost any disability does. In that case, age and the maturity that usually accompanies it is a pro, not a con.
I totally agree!! I have a relative that has no income and her oh so wonderful fiance(who is jobless as well) who is on probation that wants a child. I'm thinking you're donating plasma to make money and your current child is with your mom. I pray daily that they don't get pregnant.
Hubby and I both want to ask if they tripped and fell on his penis when people say its a surprise pregnancy.
I had my son when I was 19. It was not the smartest thing I have ever done. I didn't have a Mother who educated me, she was too busy getting high, but I don't blame her. I was young and irresponsible. It wasn't until 10 years later that I had my daughter, so I educated myself.
I have friends who have had babies at 40, and they were all healthy. Me personally, I would never think about having a baby at my age (I'll be 40 in May), but it is more for selfish reasons, like I have no patience for a baby
I'd rather have a heatly, financially secure 41 year old new mom who has her life and her sh!t together then some 19 year old dingbat trying to justify her bad decisions with the winning argument of "at least I won't be an old mom.
You are scum of the Earth.
What are you going to say if you end up with a grandchild with special needs? Will you call them "deformed or retarded"
I am a special education teacher and I have students in my class with downes and their parents are not 35, 40, 45, they are actually in their early 30s. If you were to say that to them I guarantee you wouldn't be able to see for weeks.
I would assume you are trying to get people angry by saying something not only insulting but so clearly ignorant. You couldn't possibly expect that to pass for an intelligent comment.
As for getting pregnant due to a birth control fail or a real accident, it happens. The doctor who told someone that it's 100% effective is just wrong. It failed while I was on it perfectly. (same time everyday, didn't miss anything)
The patch also failed for me resulting in a miscarriage. (I use natural family planning now and it's great)
BM claims she got accidentally pregnant with all THREE children. I've not asked what kind of bc she was supposedly on. I just find it suspect that DH was going to leave her for running around on him and OOPS, pregnant. DH gets sole custody of SS... OOPS, pregnant again. The state takes custody of child number 2... OOPS, pregnant for a third time.
Right now... I'm pregnant. I really was on BC - have been since 15 - and can't figure out what happened that it failed. I don't think I missed a pill since I ended on the right day. I wasn't on an antibiotic, in fact had only taken Mucinex for some congestion. I'm not a drinker outside of a couple beers or glasses of wine. The day I'm pretty sure we conceived, we'd just happened to have sex on a day I would have been ovulating. That knowledge was in hindsight but is the ONLY thing I can remotely think of. I never charted to even care when I was ovulating because BC is 99% effective. I guess it was the 100th time I'd had sex.
We are married, financially OK, and we won't need childcare because my coursework is at night and DH works days, and are perfectly stable in our relationship with each other and SS. If I could have changed things, it would have been nice for this accident to happen in 2 years when we were closer to home and our families. But, we're blessed none-the-less
Be sure, though, DH is getting a vasectomy so this does not happen again!
I got pregnant at 15. Both my 18 year old bf and I were coming from very messed up backgrounds and he wanted a baby. He would talk to me about how we would be a family and how happy we would be and that we would get our own house and live happily ever after. It took me about 3 months to get pregnant and for the two months before it I prayed I was not pregnant because deep down I 'knew'. BUT then on the other hand I was also disappointed because I wanted what he was offering so bad. When I found out I was pregnant I was delighted and terrified, O and my bf was in prison so that didn't help.
My dad flipped the f**k out. My mother actually just ignored me - so no change in her attitude. Anyhow I was dragged to my doctors and he and dad made an appointment for an abortion. It's illegal in Ireland so we had to go to the UK. There was no discussion to arguing with my dad. O and if I didn't go through with it he was going to charge bf with statutory rape, actually if I ever spoke to him again he was going to go after him. Also it was either get the abortion or get out. I had the abortion and in old catholic Ireland it was a very shameful thing and I carried that shame for way to long.
Anyhow ex bf went on to become a full blown heroin addict, I think he is currently homeless. He has at least four kids by two different women and provides for non of them.
I spiralled out of control for many years, got clean and sober, got myself in to counselling (which I am still doing) and I hope to have kids with my DH maybe later this year or early next year. I'm 33 now and have been married for 1.5 year and with DH over 5 years.
So yea that scare shocked me into being able to not get pregnant for 18 years now.
BM got pregnant 'by accident' on a ONS with DH. She later confessed to him that she simply wanted a baby. She failed to tell him that and actually lied about being on BC and for that he pretty much hates her. BUT she would not have got pregnant if he had been careful. I am actually pretty surprised that he does not have more kids as he was very careless.
Everyone is smart enough to know how not to get pregnant. It just depends on how much you really don't want to. Obviously you can be in the 1% that do get pg on BC .