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Parenting style question: Who's the boss?
Just wondering: Do you let your kids call the shots? I personally plan to let Hadley make as many decisions that pertain to her (clothes, food, what to play etc) but as far as the family goes I don't want her to have too much control. That may sound silly, but I have friends that I think alllow their kids SO much control and I don't want that for our family.
An example: Have you seen the commercial, think its for Stouffers frozen food or something of the like. The family was ready to go out to eat for dinner and the little boy (maybe 5 or 6) came down the stairs wearing a super hero costume and the parents have a short conversation that summed up to "well, its not as if we can get him to take it off, so we'll just eat here" and they went in to the kitchen to fix a frozen dinner. I get that it was a commercial but... I have friends that I could totally see that happening with.
My sister & BIL on the other hand, they make it a very strict policy that they call the shots, and while she gets an opinion they do not feel bad if they "override" what she wants. She is 8 but its pretty much been that way from the beginning.
What is your take?
Disclaimer: I have said "I'll do this or that" way too much before having kids so when she gets to that age we'll see what happens, this is just my goal for now. 
)
ETA: I have another example of exactly what I don't want to happen/don't think is healthy. I know a lady who's little girl is 6 but for the last few years she refuses to wear anything besides 3 outfits that are her favorites. While I want Hadley to be able to pick her clothes, I don't think it is healthy that this mom has to bribe, threaten and fight a battle every single morning to get her dressed for school. She has even went as far as calling her sister to come over in the morning to try to convince her to get dressed in other clothes. I just think its crazy and unhealthy.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Parenting style question: Who's the boss?
I'm with you, I haven't had to deal with this yet, but I am amazed by the parents that let the kids call the shots. I get that (in the commercial) it's easier to eat at home than to have the battle to get your kid out of "dress up" clothes, but I think it sets the tone.
So many moms (even on here) will say "you have to pick your battles" and would agree with the commercial. My parents would have made me go get changed and get my @ss in the car! And I knew that, so it was never a battle.
I am not changing my life because my kid wants to play dress up. I'd take superman to the friggin restaurant if he wouldn't change LOL
Noel - August 2010
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I am very much the parent, and my kids know it. I allow them many choices, what art supplies to play with, what clothes to wear, what foods to eat, but I buy the art supplies, clothes, and food I think are appropriate, and they get to choose whether or not to eat or play with them.
When it comes to being kind, polite, or behaving. I am the boss of what is appropriate. They need me to teach them what is acceptable and what isn't. I let them slide on things, like DS is almost 3. He shares well with his friends, but does not like to share with kids he doesn't know (like at the park). I don't make him at this point. When he is a bit older, I will, but not now. I have a 0 tolerance policy for physical violence or mean behavior. If you can't be civil, or as civil as a 3 year old gets, then you can't play.
I recently had a problem with the mom of a child who lets her kid run the show. He is 7. She believes that ignoring bad behavior will teach him not to do it, since he is seeking attention from it. While this works at 2, it does not at 7. She also mostly does "talk" and "positive" discipline, rather than consequences. The child has not learned not to hit, to be polite, or to play well with others. All this does is allow him to bully other children, and as a side effect, he has no respect for adults and no real friends (sad). I have known her for 5 years, and the problems have only escalated from hitting without punishment at 2 to bullying and disrupting entire groups of children playing happily at 7, with still no punishment.
There is a lot to be said for having children who are taught to be respectful of adults and polite to other children. I think the easiest window for teaching this behavior is between 2 and 5. I see it in DD's classroom when I volunteer. The kids who are respectful and polite learn the most and the ones who are not take the most of the teacher's time being controlled, rather than learning, and subtract from the overall learning going on in the classroom.
I think it is just a commercial, and it is just marketing. The objective of the commercial wasn't to show that the parents lost control of the situation. Obviously there are parents that let the kids run the show, but I say pick your battles. They were trying to show that the there was as good of an alternative to eating out right at home in the freezer. (I haven't seen the commercial, but based off what you say).
I wouldn't read to much into that.
ETA: As far as your friend goes, I say let the kid wear the 3 outfits, I mean if she is happy and is doing fine in school and doesn't care why should the mother just my opinion, nothing sad about it, kids go through stages.
I'm the boss. My kids can make small decisions, but they do not dictate whether we go out to eat or something. Now if my son asked nicely for something that maybe I hadn't planned, that is different. I don't do it because they just don't want to do something.
I agree with the general consensus of posters here: it's a balance. I will pick out the items that are available (clothes, art supplies, etc) and they'll get to choose from those options.
As far as discipline goes, my kids will most certainly know that we do NOT hit, we do NOT push or steal or call names. I realize I have no idea what I'm in for in the toddler stage, but whether or not it's a battle, my kids will know what is acceptable and what is not. I won't look the other way on those things.
I agree with you on the commercial - that would bother me too. I tend to read a lot into commercials, but still, there's a message there. I can't think of other examples off the top of my head, but I know there have been several commercials that really bothered me.
As far as the 3 outfits goes, as long as the clothes are clean I don't see a problem with it. Apparently I went through a phase when I was 4 or 5 where I would ONLY wear ONE dress. Just one. For like 2 months. My mom had no issue with it. She just rode out the phase and "stole" it to wash it when it needed it.
I get that its just a commercial and I think its a cute one. My point was, I do know parents who would have probably did the same thing...
And as far as only wearing 3 outfits... I get that it isnt a big deal, but if I buy Hadley clothes and decide she is going to wear them, I think its sad to think that I wouldnt have enough control over my child to make it happen. Not saying its wrong to wear only 3 outfits, but obviously my friend has lost the control if she cant get her daughter dressed, that IMO is sad.
All of this.
I think you're reading WAY to far into this. I wouldn't worry about what I might do if a situation might arise where my child might want to wear a superhero costume to a "nice" restaurant.
If she wanted to wear a costume to a restaurant I wouldn't fight it to hard. I pick my battles and if my DD would be happy and quiet at a nice restaurant wearing a costume I'd be fine with it. Plus, when I see kids wearing goofy outfits around town I think it's sweet. As long as they are clean and polite who cares what they are wearing?!
Pretty much this, although I make DS carry his own coat. :-)
I had a friend who let her daughter wear an old country crock tub as a hat for several months. Her daughter (2) thought it was the latest and greatest fashion accessory, and it got a lot of smiles out of people as they went place to place. My friend was horribly embarrassed, but knew that it was a phase and not worth fighting about.
At what point did our society start thinking it was okay for a 3 or 4 year old to make decisions...really about anything? They're babies! They have to be taught how to make good decisions, and that is done by example. My girls are NOT allowed to wear whatever they want (when they are older, sure, but not at 4). I have never asked them what they want to wear, and therefore, it has never been an issue. The same goes for food. If I let me daughters decide, it would be chocolate for every meal. Well, you're not going to allow that, right? No, you're going to teach them the proper way to eat.
Children have to be taught everything. This takes years (Twenty, or more!?), so why do people think that a young child should be allowed to make decisions regarding their personal appearance, health, hygeine, and nutrition?
Don't get me wrong, my children get plenty of choices, but it's things like, what book do you want to read, what show do you want to watch, do you want a cookie or scoop of ice cream for dessert, do you want to go swimming or ride your bike, etc. They think nothing of it because it's never been offered. I don't ask my 4 year old what she wants to order off a menu. I'm her mother. I know what she likes to eat, and I order accordingly. She doesn't agrue, because it's never crossed her mind that this is something she should have control of.
My pet peeve is the dressing issue. I can't stand to see children dressed all crazy in public. My children can wear whatever they want at home, but they don't even question changing clothes when we go out. I'm not going to fight with a child about things like this. How about telling them, this is the way it is, and that's that? When you're older, you can make these decisions, but is something you will have to wait to do.
Like it or not, our society bases a lot on appearance. I don't just mean if you're beautiful or not, but I mean the way people carry themselves, and the way they are dressed (you all know this is true). You should dress appropriately depending on what you're doing, and so should a child. Since I've taught my children how to match clothes, etc. they know how to pick out an outfit that MATCHES, and not something all crazy. They are very proud when they point something out that matches. Why is it such a bad thing to teach this? I don't stress being pretty, but I do stress personal hygiene (we brush our hair everyday, we brush out teeth, wash our face in the morning, etc...)
Okay, I'll get off my soapbox.
lol I don't think your friend is playing with a full deck if she is calling assistance over in the morning to help get her dressed. If you care that much, throw the three said outfits in a goodwill bin, and call it a day. I probably wouldn't care that much, though but she obviously does. You said she has been wearing the same 3 for years, I am surprised they still fit...
DH and I are the bosses and what we say goes. We try to be fair but in the end, we call the shots. I wouldn't let my kids out in dress up clothes but that's just me. If they were upset about it they would just have to deal with it. I don't let them do things I don't want them to do just to avoid tantrums.
Some things I am pretty laid back with and I do occasionally let things slide if they are happy and being good BUT if there was something that I just didn't want them to do then I wouldn't let them.
While DD will have age appropriate choices (which outfit to wear, story to read, etc) we're the parents and we are in charge.
Kids need to have rules and structure, the best thing I can do for DD is have clear and consistent rules that she can operate within.
ETA: DD will choose between the choices we give her (outfit A or B that we pick out for example)
We have friends who give their son way too much leeway and now that he's getting older it's biting hem in the butt because it's harder to make a 5 yr old do something than a 2 yr old.
Yes! You said this all perfectly! Everything I meant to say- you just worded it a lot better!
I'm going to try and say this very nicely, as comments like this can get me REALLY riled up for no reason.
You have a 5 month old. It's easy to put her into an outfit that YOU want her to wear. Not so easy when your kid is 2, 3, 4, 5, + and you NEED to get out the door and there are another 2 kids that need to get ready as well.
I have 3 kids. IF one of my kids wanted to wear the same 3 outfits every day, by gosh I would LET THEM! It's about picking your battles. It's not about "losing control". I had to laugh at that. Just because your child wears a superhero cape out to eat, doesn't mean that you lost control. I don't have time to obsess about what my kids are wearing - if it is clean, and weather appropriate, then they get to wear it. If it's a tutu at the doctor's office, or my son carrying a purse around with him (yes, a purse that's purple), so be it.
I really think this is one of those things that you CAN'T say what you're going to do because you may change your mind. Maybe to you, clothing is important. To me, I dress myself VERY well - buy expensive stuff, well made and tailored clothing, coordinate accessories, etc. My kids? Nope, I don't have the time or energy to spend coordinating their outfits. They get to pick what they wear and believe me when I tell you, I take photos of a LOT of this stuff they pick out.
Oh, and I KNOW that this post really has nothing to do with "clothing", but it starts somewhere. Just because you see other parents let their kids do things that you right now are saying "I would never do that", doesn't mean that their kids rule the roost.
As a final note, I'd like to think that DH and I rule the roost. My kids get a say in some things, but there are definite "rules" in our house.......
I agree with all of this, this post kind of riled me up.
ETA-and I only have one and she isn't even 2 yet, she wears a hula skirt out in public at least twice a week. Not worth the tantrum. I can only imagine what mine will wear when I have 2 or 3.
This.
I don't need the "final say". Just because you have the "final say" doesn't mean that you are in control or are the boss........I just view it differently. There are things I budge on and things I don't.......it depends on what we're talking about.
since this has turned into a clothes talk... just a question. if you were headed to church and you had a couple dresses for your little one to choose from, but they refused and only wanted to wear shorts and a tshirt... do you consider it breaking their will by making them choose a dress? the idea that its wrong to require them to wear a certain outfit is foreign to me.
on my phone... sorry for the lack of capitalization.
We have "Church" clothes and day to day clothes. My kids pick from the "Church" pile. Since our Church is strict with what you wear, shorts and tshirts are not appropriate and so it would never happen. IF that did happen, then we wouldn't go to Church - I mean, if there was an all out war of words in my house about a Church outfit from a stubborn 3 year old.
I don't feel like that's "breaking their will" at all since I'm giving them a choice - they can choose ANYTHING from the Church pile.
ETA: not that it would "never" happen, but we do have a dress code at Church. I have seen kids in shorts and t-shirts in the summer and don't really think anything about it, but since we have a Church dress code, my kids do know that there are rules and that they are to wear their Church clothes. I don't make it a battle or a big deal though - just something that we do on Sundays.
Perfect wording! Exactly what I'm trying to say as well.......you said it better!
I would refuse the shorts and a t-shirt and offer a non-dress but church appropriate option. There, with three choices before her, I would take my stand. It's what I do with DS too. Generally it relates to weather appropriate clothing, but it's the same sort of thing.
I try to remember that children don't reason the same way that adults do. They are still learning what consequences are and have a limited ability to think beyond the present moment.
I pick my battles accordingly. Toddlers like to assert their independence and my ds is no exception. Safety is non-negotiable. He has to keep his arms in his car seat straps or we pull over. I do choose his clothing but I offer several choices that he likes and I think is appropriate. In most cases, I try to offer ds choices that are within boundaries that my dh and I have chosen but also give him a sense of control.
I plan to teach my child Jesus loves everyone, not just girls in monogrammed dresses, with big bows, so she can wear a non-dress that is appropriate-which everything I buy is appropriate, so no problem there. If she is throwing a fit over wearing a dress, and not over going to church, then Amen, I guess I did something right. Don't get me wrong, I love dresses and bows and all that, but it's not the end of the world, she is my daughter not my baby doll.
I just got home after being out all day and haven't filtered through all the responses but I am amused at the posters that think that letting a 3 or 4 year old pick out their outfit is somehow giving up control over your household.
I can't imagine that Jesus would care what your infant wore to church.
This thread is so interesting to me because getting DD dressed is like WWIII recently- kicking and screaming no matter what I try. There are days when we have things to do, and those days I will forge ahead and do battle. There are other days that we don't have plans, and I've decided that, if she doesn't want to get dressed, it's no big deal.
I've been thinking about it a lot because it was bothering me, and I agree with PP that say that kids develop their own opinions, and it's not fair to completely disregard them. They're people, too. That doesn't mean I let my daughter run around like a crazy person, though. We have limits and boundaries that she's not allowed to cross, but clothes aren't really a big deal.
LOL. It's a commercial.
I think you are reading WAY too much into all of this. You really shouldn't look to the future too much right now. You have a 5 month old. Make your decisions regarding her as they come along. It's really hard to say what you *think* you will and will not do when you have absolutely no clue what it will be like. Just like how all of us said "oh I will NEVER do that" before we had kids.
You have to pick your battles.
I'd let my kid wear the super hero costume at a nice restaurant too.