Parenting style question: Who's the boss?

wifeandmama

Childhood is really one of the only periods in life you are totally free, without judgment (or so I thought).  It really depresses me to think there are miserable moms out there who are judging me (and more important, MY KIDS!) when they decide to wear fireman costumes around town or a superhero cape with a can opener (true story, went on for weeks!)  

 I also think it's sad to run your house with an iron fist, just because you are the grown up.  My kids have a say in things - not everything - but we definitely take everyone into account with many decisions, small or large.  And just because I am not a totalitarian and allow some choices doesn't mean I have two heathens without rules.

wifeandmama

Andrewsgal:

StephNJer:

Hope2Have:

The wearing superhero outfit out to dinner wasn't exactly my point but just an example. If we were going to McDonalds sure, I don't think I would care... but if we were all dressed up and I wanted her to wear a proper outfit to a nice restaurant... I will make her change. I just think that its healthy to have a certain amount of control and to be able to make things happen. Just saying, if the parents on the commercial were not able to get him to change clothes I think that is sad, for them and the child too.

LOL. It's a commercial.

I think you are reading WAY too much into all of this. You really shouldn't look to the future too much right now. You have a 5 month old. Make your decisions regarding her as they come along. It's really hard to say what you *think* you will and will not do when you have absolutely no clue what it will be like. Just like how all of us said "oh I will NEVER do that" before we had kids.

You have to pick your battles.

The best moms and the ones with all the answers on this board seem the always be the one with infants who have yet to actually face these situations.

A M E N 

Hope2Have

I am sure I've never felt this frustrated on this board. Argh. I'm not some control freak and I plan to let Hadley have choices BUT I also don't think it means I'm a bad Christian or mom if I make her wear a dress to church. I hated them growing up... but I wore them every. single. sunday. and survived, no harm done. I respect the opinions but just respectfully disagree with the harm it would do to a cihld by making a choice for them.

Hope2Have

wifeandmama:

Childhood is really one of the only periods in life you are totally free, without judgment (or so I thought).  It really depresses me to think there are miserable moms out there who are judging me (and more important, MY KIDS!) when they decide to wear fireman costumes around town or a superhero cape with a can opener (true story, went on for weeks!)  

 I also think it's sad to run your house with an iron fist, just because you are the grown up.  My kids have a say in things - not everything - but we definitely take everyone into account with many decisions, small or large.  And just because I am not a totalitarian and allow some choices doesn't mean I have two heathens without rules.

I just read this comment and oh my goodness, so mad. I said multiple times that it wasn't about the clothes/costume at all. That was just an example, also said more than once that I think its cute when I see kids that have obviously dressed themselves. I also plan to let Hadley go out in costumes if she wants to and we're going somewhere where it won't matter (shopping, out to eat etc) but if I say she needs to wear a dress that she will have to wear a dress. I SO don't consider that an iron fist. IF you were tlkign to me.

wifeandmama

Hope2Have:

wifeandmama:

Childhood is really one of the only periods in life you are totally free, without judgment (or so I thought).  It really depresses me to think there are miserable moms out there who are judging me (and more important, MY KIDS!) when they decide to wear fireman costumes around town or a superhero cape with a can opener (true story, went on for weeks!)  

 I also think it's sad to run your house with an iron fist, just because you are the grown up.  My kids have a say in things - not everything - but we definitely take everyone into account with many decisions, small or large.  And just because I am not a totalitarian and allow some choices doesn't mean I have two heathens without rules.

I just read this comment and oh my goodness, so mad. I said multiple times that it wasn't about the clothes/costume at all. That was just an example, also said more than once that I think its cute when I see kids that have obviously dressed themselves. I also plan to let Hadley go out in costumes if she wants to and we're going somewhere where it won't matter (shopping, out to eat etc) but if I say she needs to wear a dress that she will have to wear a dress. I SO don't consider that an iron fist. IF you were tlkign to me.

Just because you started the thread doesn't mean I was talking to you.  Jeez, take it down a notch.  You are so mad at my comment?  Relax.  I wasn't talking to anyone specifically.  

StephNJer

Hope2Have:

wifeandmama:

Childhood is really one of the only periods in life you are totally free, without judgment (or so I thought).  It really depresses me to think there are miserable moms out there who are judging me (and more important, MY KIDS!) when they decide to wear fireman costumes around town or a superhero cape with a can opener (true story, went on for weeks!)  

 I also think it's sad to run your house with an iron fist, just because you are the grown up.  My kids have a say in things - not everything - but we definitely take everyone into account with many decisions, small or large.  And just because I am not a totalitarian and allow some choices doesn't mean I have two heathens without rules.

I just read this comment and oh my goodness, so mad. I said multiple times that it wasn't about the clothes/costume at all. That was just an example, also said more than once that I think its cute when I see kids that have obviously dressed themselves. I also plan to let Hadley go out in costumes if she wants to and we're going somewhere where it won't matter (shopping, out to eat etc) but if I say she needs to wear a dress that she will have to wear a dress. I SO don't consider that an iron fist. IF you were tlkign to me.

But.... if you read your original post, all the examples you gave were clothing related. So you can see where we all were thinking that, and why the thread turned into a discussion mainly focused on clothing. Even if you just gave them as examples, you have to realize that that is how your post is going to read. You can't get defensive that people disagreed about a post YOU started, and with a subject that YOU brought up.

I can promise you though, that one Sunday morning, when she's about oh, four or five years old, she's going to be throwing a fit because she's not going to want to wear what you want her to. And you are going to be faced with the "pick your battles" situation. Where you can fight with her and be late to church, or just let it go. I'm just saying. I think EVERY kid goes through this at least once. I think a lot of people gave you some good insight. Those of us with kids older than yours, who did a lot of "I will never"s, and now see things differently.

HarrietNJMommy

KateB1984:

My parents made me hug relatives, I hated it and I survived. 

LOL! Me too!

Oh, and the "don't you remember so-and-so?" and I would HAVE to say yes because the one time I said "no", was the time that so-and-so looked devasted. Please, I was like 8 years old. I didn't remember everyone....... 

Hope2Have

KateB1984:

Hope2Have:

I am sure I've never felt this frustrated on this board. Argh. I'm not some control freak and I plan to let Hadley have choices BUT I also don't think it means I'm a bad Christian or mom if I make her wear a dress to church. I hated them growing up... but I wore them every. single. sunday. and survived, no harm done. I respect the opinions but just respectfully disagree with the harm it would do to a cihld by making a choice for them.

You came in with an 'I'll never' which is usually a bad idea. Plus you gave an IRL example of someone who is actually in that stage of parenting and you essentially flamed her. Your post used phrases like "Who's the boss" and "Do you let your kids call the shots?" It's one thing to say that dresses in church is a battle you think you'll fight and another to imply that those who choose to not fight the battle are not the boss of their households, or not in charge, or don't call the shots. Nobody said you were a bad mom if you did these things, but lots of us feel there is a better way and live it every day. And by you saying it's not okay, you're forcing moms who think it is okay to defend their parenting.

My parents made me hug relatives, I hated it and I survived. But I don't believe in forcing my kids to give up their personal space when they're uncomfortable, for example. it doesn't mean my parents didn't do an awesome job in general, but I can still make my own decisions. I like you a lot Hope. I think everyone wad just trying to honestly show you another side. If this was a flame-happy board, there would have been a lot more 'how dare you' comments made. Just because we don't flame, doesn't mean we never disagree.

Thanks... I have been gone about all day taking an elderly woman from my church to a doctor out of town and wasn't able to read any of the comments and just felt like I was being misunderstood when I did get to it. I soooooooooo don't care what other parents choose to do, but like to look at the other side of it. I respect the ideas and opinions of most of the moms on here very much, that's why I like to bring up "how do you think about's... " b/c I like to look at the other side. Today however I feel like it backfired, and I'm sure I'm to blame... I didn't mean to flame anyone, again... if you choose to have zero control that's fine. I just feel like I want to maintain a certain amount of control, maybe its being in the south, maybe its having raised by super strict parents. Anyways, sorry if I offended anyone. Just got home and was frustrated b/c I felt like I was T-totally misunderstood.

notkateanymore

We're pretty strict about the decisions Lil can make...she's allowed to pick out her own clothes, but if it doesn't look good, I will tell her to change. She eats what we eat as a family, but if we're out, she's able to pick what she wants. Though, she is not allowed to order things like chicken fingers or butter pasta, she must eat real food. It's not really a battle ever, since it's been like this always, but I would like her to be a little more independent, so I'm trying to let her do more and more without my opinion.

notkateanymore

AgrippaRidesAgain:

Pretty much this, although I make DS carry his own coat.  :-)

I had a friend who let her daughter wear an old country crock tub as a hat for several months.  Her daughter (2) thought it was the latest and greatest fashion accessory, and it got a lot of smiles out of people as they went place to place.  My friend was horribly embarrassed, but knew that it was a phase and not worth fighting about. 

 

LMAO...I wish I could have seen that! 

angelakh

Hope2Have:

KateB1984:

Hope2Have:

I am sure I've never felt this frustrated on this board. Argh. I'm not some control freak and I plan to let Hadley have choices BUT I also don't think it means I'm a bad Christian or mom if I make her wear a dress to church. I hated them growing up... but I wore them every. single. sunday. and survived, no harm done. I respect the opinions but just respectfully disagree with the harm it would do to a cihld by making a choice for them.

You came in with an 'I'll never' which is usually a bad idea. Plus you gave an IRL example of someone who is actually in that stage of parenting and you essentially flamed her. Your post used phrases like "Who's the boss" and "Do you let your kids call the shots?" It's one thing to say that dresses in church is a battle you think you'll fight and another to imply that those who choose to not fight the battle are not the boss of their households, or not in charge, or don't call the shots. Nobody said you were a bad mom if you did these things, but lots of us feel there is a better way and live it every day. And by you saying it's not okay, you're forcing moms who think it is okay to defend their parenting.

My parents made me hug relatives, I hated it and I survived. But I don't believe in forcing my kids to give up their personal space when they're uncomfortable, for example. it doesn't mean my parents didn't do an awesome job in general, but I can still make my own decisions. I like you a lot Hope. I think everyone wad just trying to honestly show you another side. If this was a flame-happy board, there would have been a lot more 'how dare you' comments made. Just because we don't flame, doesn't mean we never disagree.

Thanks... I have been gone about all day taking an elderly woman from my church to a doctor out of town and wasn't able to read any of the comments and just felt like I was being misunderstood when I did get to it. I soooooooooo don't care what other parents choose to do, but like to look at the other side of it. I respect the ideas and opinions of most of the moms on here very much, that's why I like to bring up "how do you think about's... " b/c I like to look at the other side. Today however I feel like it backfired, and I'm sure I'm to blame... I didn't mean to flame anyone, again... if you choose to have zero control that's fine. I just feel like I want to maintain a certain amount of control, maybe its being in the south, maybe its having raised by super strict parents. Anyways, sorry if I offended anyone. Just got home and was frustrated b/c I felt like I was T-totally misunderstood.

Again, I don't think anyone that chooses to not fight the clothing battle has zero control.  I am raising my DD to be able to make decisions.  I can't imagine her at 16 asking me what I picked out for her to wear and believe me I have seen those kids.  It doesn't come into my house if it isn't appropriate to my standards.  Beyond that, DD can wear what is in her closet and dresser regardless of the event.  That does not mean I have no control.  It means I am not engaging in a battle of wills with a three year old that wants to wear purple sweats with a princess tee shirt to church - getting there on time is the battle I am willing to fight.  Honestly, when they start to give them snacks in Sunday school they end up with goldfish and juice down the front of whatever you send them in anyway. 

I understand about being misunderstood, it's tough sometimes to express certain ideas on a message board and sometimes posts come across nothing like you intend.

You have to promise that if you are still bumping when LO has her first clothing meltdown you will post all the details and how you dealt with it.   

Hope2Have

KateB1984:

Hope2Have:

I didn't mean to flame anyone, again... if you choose to have zero control that's fine.

Really? I'd successfully managed to not be offended until now, but now I honestly feel like you're looking down on everyone else who has a different opinion than you, even though you've been given many valid opinions based on experience. So if you're wondering why your thread was received in the wrong way, here you are.

I really am just bad at words. I didn't mean that in that way, I swear. I meant even if you (not you specifically) were okay with zero control that was fine by me... I meant I didn't care how others did it.. not saying you had zero control b/c of clothing issues. /   Going to bed really really soon and tomorrow I'm going to keep my mouth shut.

goldenleaves

Halloween costumes are fair game in this house! I certainly would not stay home because of it. Superheroes like to go out to dinner too!

But it's situational, IMO. At least so far. But I'm only 2 years in.

StatlerWaldorf

I pick my battles.  What DD wears on a day to day basis is not really important to me especially at home.  I wouldn't let her dress too inappropriately in certain situations.  If we went to church, I wouldn't let her wear casual clothes for example.

I am pretty strict about food.  Some things I let her pick ex:banana or apple with lunch, but I refuse to make her a separate meal.  I am strict about how much television she can watch.

violaplayer

If you don't give over some control and small choices, how do you expect your child to learn to make good decisions and to think for themselves?

If it is always, "My way or the highway," what are you going to do when they are older and one of two things happens: 1) They can't make a real decision 2) They choose the highway.

It definitely starts with small choices here and there (age appropriate ones within boundaries). And letting them suffer the consequences when needed. If they choose to go out without a coat on when it's cold, they are going to ask for a coat when they get cold. It's a natural consequence of their decision. And that's how they will learn to make better choices. Or if they go to preschool in a costume or bad looking clothes - do you think their peers will take care of that one?

Hope2Have

ViolaPlayer:

If you don't give over some control and small choices, how do you expect your child to learn to make good decisions and to think for themselves?

If it is always, "My way or the highway," what are you going to do when they are older and one of two things happens: 1) They can't make a real decision 2) They choose the highway.

It definitely starts with small choices here and there (age appropriate ones within boundaries). And letting them suffer the consequences when needed. If they choose to go out without a coat on when it's cold, they are going to ask for a coat when they get cold. It's a natural consequence of their decision. And that's how they will learn to make better choices. Or if they go to preschool in a costume or bad looking clothes - do you think their peers will take care of that one?

That's the thing... I personally think its uber important to give kids tons of options, always. I always want Hadley to have as much control as possible, she will be able to choose her clothes every day, UNLESS we are going somewhere that I want her to dress a certain way, then I feel like I want to have the ability to say "you can wear that once we get back home, but while we are at church you'll need to choose between these 2 outfits" and it not be a melt down. For instance, my sister and bff make the decisions what their kids wear (and always have even though they're not 8 & 9 years old) when they're going out. The kids have TONS of choices from day to day, but when their moms say "here's your outfit, lets get dressed" the kids do b/c their mom says so, its never been a battle.

If Hadley doesn't want to wear a coat and its cold outside, I plan to take a coat with me thinking that she might change her mind, but for me... not a battle I would think I would want to fight. With food? I am at a complete loss and have no plans as to how I'll deal with that.... will have to cross that road when we get there.

All I'm saying is I don't think its killing a child's spirit by making them wear an outfit, or by making some decisions for them... And I swear, I KNOW that she's only 5 months old... I get that. I was just making conversation... I really truly didn't mean to judge anyone and their choices. I really want to stay on good terms with everyone here... I like you guys too much and have learned a lot about things too.

HarrietNJMommy

You know, in a lot of your "question" posts, you don't get the response you want and then you back-peddle and give a different response like the majority of responses. If you feel like you are not being understood, then you need to really watch your wording.

notkateanymore

HarrietNJMommy:

You know, in a lot of your "question" posts, you don't get the response you want and then you back-peddle and give a different response like the majority of responses. If you feel like you are not being understood, then you need to really watch your wording.

And honestly, she's 5 months old...if you feel like you're being misunderstood, just don't bring these types of things up yet? You have years to worry about things like this.  

StephNJer

KateMW:

HarrietNJMommy:

You know, in a lot of your "question" posts, you don't get the response you want and then you back-peddle and give a different response like the majority of responses. If you feel like you are not being understood, then you need to really watch your wording.

And honestly, she's 5 months old...if you feel like you're being misunderstood, just don't bring these types of things up yet? You have years to worry about things like this.  

EXACTLY. The kids is 5 months old for crying out loud. Enjoy her being a baby and worry about the other stuff later. There's a reason why I don't obsess over what I'm going to do when my kids are teens. Because they aren't teens yet!

Webbie3

Hope2Have:

The kids have TONS of choices from day to day, but when their moms say "here's your outfit, lets get dressed" the kids do b/c their mom says so, its never been a battle.

I used to think this way, too, so I see where you're coming from.  Unfortunately, DD has taught me that toddlers don't see reason the way we do.  I had to get her dressed this morning, gave her options of what to wear (she wouldn't pick anything), chose an outfit she likes for her, and the fight began.  She was kicking and squirming away as I tried to put it on her, and every time I'd get a sock on her, she'd take something else off.  She knew I was getting upset and thought it was funny.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not as easy as it seems like it should be.  I also think it's ok if this is one of the things you want to take a stand on as Hadley gets older.  Every family has their own set of rules, and it sounds like this is important to you.  There's nothing wrong with that. 

Andrewsgal

HarrietNJMommy:

You know, in a lot of your "question" posts, you don't get the response you want and then you back-peddle and give a different response like the majority of responses. If you feel like you are not being understood, then you need to really watch your wording.

I totally agree with this and it drives me crazy. You seem to change your mind to follow the crowd. If you believe in something stand up for what you think no matter how unpopular it is. The wishy washy thing you do drives me nuts.

NKR717

Andrewsgal:

HarrietNJMommy:

You know, in a lot of your "question" posts, you don't get the response you want and then you back-peddle and give a different response like the majority of responses. If you feel like you are not being understood, then you need to really watch your wording.

I totally agree with this and it drives me crazy. You seem to change your mind to follow the crowd. If you believe in something stand up for what you think no matter how unpopular it is. The wishy washy thing you do drives me nuts.

I know this thread is about dead, but I agree, you don't seem to really want to hear what other's differing opinions are, it seems like you only want to hear people agree with you. Stand up for your opinion or step down. I understand you want to be likable and I can appreciate it, I really can but in all seriousness I think you will be more respected for your honest, original thoughts.