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2nd Trimester
I don't trust my sister in law to be the guardian....long vent
This is a long one...I apologizie
I am in need of advice on a touchy subject. Back in 2006 when my husband's and I's wills were drafted prior to him deploying to Iraq we named his sister as the primary and my little brother as the secondary on our wills should anything happen to either of us to be the guardians of our children. At the time we did not have any children and have been trying for years. At the time his sister being the primary seemed like a good idea. My brother was only 23, engaged and did not own a house or have a steady job. She was older with two kids.
Over the years my husbands sister's (who is a very good mother, btw) financial situation has caused me great alarm and I have become more and more concerned of the idea of her being my children's guardian. She has been on wellfare for as long as I have known her (13 years). Has many times had to ask either her mom or dad or pay her bills and get her out of rough situations. Her mom has had to buy her a car. She took a few years off of work to get a degree and got financial aid for it. When she was finished and was not paying it off her mom, who co-signed for the loan, ended up paying off the full amount. We currently reside in Europe and a few years back I came across an email she sent to my husband saying the she got a big enough tax return to come visit us and site see. What bothered me about this was that she, to this day owes her mother a ton of money and to me it just seemed like a poor and selfish decision to not pay her mother back first. Awhile back I was speaking to her and she told me that she was hesitant to take a job that she applied for because it paid "too much" and if she took she would no longer qualify to live in low income housing. Recently her apartment complex closed down and she had to move into her mothers condo (an investment property) and is only paying her $500 a month for it when it is worth much more than that. Her mom, who feels financially responsible for her is losing money on it every month. My sister-in-law has two kids (she is age 40) but has never been married and the last child was conceived on purpose but she had no intention of staying with the father. She just wanted another child-this angered the father who thought she wanted to start a family and felt tricked. Much of what pays her bills is the child support she receives from both of her children's fathers (until recently-one just turned 18) and the money that she gets from the government. She has never really had a steady job and takes whatever random job she gets, sometimes, when she feels like working. Although she has a good educational background she does not use it.I believe her bachelors degree is in foreign communications but I think after pursuing it she realized it wasn't what she wanted to do. Right now she works at a auto repair shop I think probably as a receptionist.
My brother-who is now almost 29 has gotten married to one of the most wonderful mothers I have ever witnessed. He has a good paying job with a steady income (he works for the city), with excellent benefits and he OWNS the condo he lives in. It is small, but it is his. (My sister in law has never own a house) He now has 3 kids, all three and under, one is a foster child they took in about 7 months ago who they intend to adopt. My brother has become an excellent father, who makes good and responsible decisions for his family. His credit is excellent.
My sister-in-law lives in MN where it is just her, her two kids and my husbands father (who is old and not very healthy). My husband has one good friend that lives there.
My brother lives in CA where my dad, mom & her husband, and my husbands mom live (total of four grandparents for my children). Both sets of MY grandparents, all of my cousins, their children, my brother's children and my aunts and uncles live there.All of my friends and friends of the family and the majority of my husbands friends. There are many family connections in CA and really only a couple in MN.
My dilemma is is that my husband thinks the WORLD of his sister. So much so that he does not see her faults. From the day I met him he has always put her on a pedestal. I understand his love for her but I truly am concerned for the future of my children. I tried to talk to him about it about a year back after his sister pulled another "stunt" and he said he didn't want to discuss it. I don't know how to bring it up again and how to relay how I feel to him without causing a lot of problems. He and I are non-religious so we would not be naming God-parents although I have thought about maybe bringing up the concept of guardians. I just don't know what to do? Right now with his sister as the PRIMARY on our wills my children will go to her over my brother. I would be content with my brother and sister-in-law having equal guardianship on the will because I know that in the case anything should happen the courts would evaluate hers and my brothers situation and give them to my brother. But once again....I don't know how to bring it up to my husband without making him really upset.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I don't trust my sister in law to be the guardian....long vent
I agree with the pp. You are going to need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. You both need to feel comfortable with what would happen to your children if something happens to you and DH. Never an easy decision. When DH and I started doing our will, I made one condition. Whoever ( I don't care which side of the family taking in our children) must be married. Obviously, they also need to be in a good financial situation as well. To me, it is important that our children have that experience of both a mom and a dad who could provide ample opportunities for our children. We decided on DH's cousin who has two children. One of which is a month older then DD.
To keep things even for my side of the family. We haven't decided yet, but someone will be custodian to our children's money. This way both sides of the family have some involvement with our children. The family with the children would also have to make it possible for my family to see the children.
Goodbye little angel(7/22/2011)....see you in heaven
Goodbye my second angel (9/18/2011)
Thank you all for your responses. I hope when I bring it up husband sees that the situaition is not ideal. I even think maybe picking someone else that is not family would be a good idea too but I just think no matter what he is going to say his sister. His sister raised him sorta because his Dad was never around growing up. There are no doubts she is a good mother. She is. I agree though that she makes poor life choices, and I just don't want my children to grow up like that. Also, I was raised in a very tight knit family who have very strong family traditions and values. His family have none. It's a shock they even remember to call each other on their birthdays. If my children were to go to MN they would not be raised the way I was. I feel CA would be more enriching.
Question....I thought about this before because this is something that has worried me for years I were to change MY will name my brother as the primary but my husband were to keep his will as is with her as the primary, what would happen should we both die? I discussed this once with my brother who said I was being vindictive. I just really don't think my husband is going to see things my way.
Wow. She sounds like my older sister: 2 kids, welfare, always taking/accepting money from our mother. And guess what?...she's 40. Ugh.
She was upset when I didn't make her the maid-of-honor at our wedding last year, but I knew financially she couldn't handle it. For me it wasn't just a title it was a real responsibility and I knew she would flake out on. My little sister got the honor and she will be the guardian of our children.
You just have to tell your hubby how you feel and hopefully he'll see that his mom would just end up taking care of your children should something happen.
Good luck and you're not alone.
What if you just showed your DH the post you typed out?
I really can't see any rationale adult finding an argument with your point of view unless he doesn't believe some of the things that you wrote.
Thank you-yes I am a dependent. So basically who ever dies last, that will takes priority over the other will? I was researching it yesterday and I found somewhere if we were to die at the same time or around the same time then the courts would consider both wills and evaluate who is more qualified. I guess I am being vindictive. I just know that the last time I asked to discuss it he refused to talk about it. I may wait until we find out the sex of the baby then start talking more serious talk. I may ask him who he would like to be the guardians of our child should anything happen to us. Tell him we should pick either a couple or each pick someone and we should have our wills written so that it is so. If he says he already picks his sister and our wills are already written, I will tell him that I would like my brother and that our wills right now reflect her as a primary and him as a substitute and I would like them to have EQUAL guardianship and would like to rewrite the wills so that in the event of our death they both have an opportunity to have our children. He will probably look at it as an inconvenience and not want to do it. In that case I will change my own will but keep bugging him about his I guess (is it shady to change my own will? I mean...it is MY will, right?). My brother knows to fight for my kids should anything ever happen to me and him. When our last wills were written, it was done in a hurry at a JAG office with a bunch of us in bulk and it was basically they handed the guys the wills then handed the wives the wills and told the wives were copying down whatever the guys wrote basically. So my will is practically a carbon copy of his will----and actually, now that I think about it, I wasn't feeling too happy about it back then either, but like I said she was in her 30's and my brother was still just a kid practically.
This is something I have worried about for years. it was to the point once where I was reconsidering having children with him once because I was so afraid of what would happen should I die. I love my husband very much but I do no trust his sister! He was talking to her on the phone last night and invited her to go into business with him (again) which I thought was incredibly stupid being the last time they were in business together she left him high and dry to do all the work by himself (basically just stopped working) which in the end resulted in the downfall of the company (small start up company). He just doesn't see her faults.
And I don't know why I am so stuck on the idea of us being dead and my kids having to go to someone else? I am a military spouse though, and death is just one of those things we kinda get used to the idea of.