Advice needed on coping with AL — The Bump
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Advice needed on coping with AL

I've been a lurker for the past month. My DH and I are on our 2nd cycle TTC. Most of my questions get asked and answered by others so I haven't posted, but now I'd like a little advice.

My SIL went in today for an U/S and there was no heartbeat. She is having a D&C (I think) later in the week. She was 11 weeks.  I feel so awful and want to do or say something but I don't know what is appropriate. For anyone that has been through something similar, is there anything I can do to be helpful?

Can I send flowers or a card or maybe chocolates? My DH and I live far away so I can't go in person. I mailed her a cute onesie two weeks ago and now I feel bad that I did that. 

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Re: Advice needed on coping with AL

  • I am very sorry for your SIL's loss. Just be sure to be there for her if she wants to talk. 
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  • So sorry to hear that :(

    My SIL lost her baby at 21 weeks.  I made dinner for her family, but they are local.  I think anything that lets your SIL know you are thinking of her is gracious and kind.  Flowers, card, maybe a little basket/care package of things she likes, or maybe a gift card to a spa near her house (if she likes that kind of thing).  Don't feel bad about the onesie - it was thoughtful and I'm sure she loved it when it arrived. 

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  • My best friend just went through this last week.  Call her and tell her you're really sorry and you've been thinking about her. Tell her it sucks. Tell her you wish she didn't have to go through this.  See if she wants to talk about it/vent/whatever.  

    Try not to tell her "at least you know you can get pregnant" or "everything happens for a reason."  

    Sorry for your SIL's loss.  

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  • image FrankieJay:

    Can I send flowers or a card or maybe chocolates? My DH and I live far away so I can't go in person. I mailed her a cute onesie two weeks ago and now I feel bad that I did that. 

    Don't feel bad that you did this.  I'm sure she wouldn't want you to feel bad.

    I would definitely send her something...even if it's small. 

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  • Thanks for ideas. I will definitely send her something in the mail and call her. I won't try and give her any advice. I know that I have no idea what she's going through.
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  • I have been in a situation like that. The best thing someone did for us when we had our M/C was they had dinner sent to us and a nice card and a angel figurine. It really meant a lot to me that they went out of their way to make sure we had one less thing to worry about with dinner. It seems little to some, but to us it was very thoughtful.

     

     

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  • When I had a MC I didn't want everyone hounding me all the time and asking me if I was okay because it wasn't okay. I know they were trying to be nice but I found that I only wanted to talk when I felt ready and tell the people I felt should know. It was nice to have their support but having a MC can be a very internal battle so I wouldn't advise calling a lot. I think a nice email or card would be enough to let her know you are there but let her talk when she is ready.
  • Sorry to hear about your friend's loss! Don't feel bad for the onsie she knows you were being thoughtful.

    I would send a little something small with a note just thinking of them and here to talk if she wants. I did that with my BF that went through a ectopic pregnancy.

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  • I agree with previous recommendations of a nice note with an offer to talk whenever she's ready.

    FWIW, my in-laws wanted to send me flowers and candy after my m/c, but I asked MH to tell them not to. I like flowers and candy, and didn't want a delivery of those nice things associated with my m/c.

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  • I sent my cousin and her husband a sympathy card with my heart-felt condolences after her m/c.  Not that I've been through one myself, but I think anything to let them know that you're thinking of them during this time and that you're there for them if they need you is appropriate.   
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  • I am so sorry to hear about your SIL's loss.

     

    My SIL had a miscarriage too and I sent her favorite flowers (lillies) and a note that said "When you're sad, I'm sad" It made her cry but she said it really lifted her day at work and that no one did anything like that for her.

     

    I would send flowers and a sweet note. 

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