MIL question

jparkinson · October 2011

How many of you plan on having your MIL in the delivery room with you? I talked to the hubs last night and asked him if he thought it would be rude if I didn't ask her to come in, he said "Kinda." My husband has two kids from a previous marriage and I found out that she was in the room with the first two. It's not that I don't want her included, she just tends to be negative and thinks she knows best- not exactly what I want in the delivery room. She's also very proper and I'm just not really comfortable with her being there while I bear all my glory!

ssimon621 · October 2011

Personally, it will only be me and DH in the delivery room, along with the doctor's and nurses of course. Our LO will be the first grandchild for both of our Mother's, but I believe that the birth of our first child should be special and intimate with just the two of us.

kms34 · October 2011

Fvck no!

I'm not having my mom in there either so it's a moot point. Labor and delivery are for DH and I...no one else.

Shawnee11507 · October 2011

I don't plan on it unless I have no one else. DH is out of the country until 1/24. The ILs are going to come stay with me in the beginning of Jan. If I go into labor before DH gets back, I want my BFF in there with me. If BFF wasn't available for some reason, I would prefer MIL in there as opposed to being alone. FIL is not coming in!

pinkshades05 · October 2011

My MIL will definitely NOT be in there. And to help with your argument, having something in the room that makes you uncomfortable can actually slow down your labor because you're too busy worrying about it and not being relaxed. Be sure to exclude both of your mothers, though. That might make it easier.

trebmal · October 2011

Umm it is not a family event for me, so no, other than hospital personnel, it'll be JUST DH & me before, during and I'm going to shoot for an hour after. DH and I have talked about it and we won't even be calling our folks or his daughter until baby is here.

mkarns · October 2011

OP's MIL sounds just like mine. I like her for the most part, but she tends to be a little negative and all-knowing. I don't want her in the delivering room but it's nothing personal. I only want my DH in there. If i'm gonna poop on the table I want as few eyes as possible on me.

cheese.fiend · October 2011

Absolutely not.

I think I'll want my own mother for a while during labor - not sure if I'll want her there for pushing and actual birth or not. Regardless, while we are very good about being "fair" with both sets of in-laws, this just isn't something I'm willing to "make fair." My MIL and I aren't exceptionally close and she generally tends to annoy me - not something I need during L&D! Thankfully, H completely supports this position.

mac&chip · October 2011

No way! But I'm not planning on having my mother in there either ? so MIL will have nothing to feel left out from. I just want it to be DH and me.

jparkinson · October 2011

I should have added (which makes my argument harder) that my mom will definitely be in there. My mom and I are VERY close and this is her first grandchild. I couldn't imagine not having her in there....just really not wanting the MIL in there. Maybe I'll be the "rebel" and tell her no. Devil

Lena122 · October 2011

Unless you're planning to have other members of DH's family in there, I don't think it's rude to exclude her. It's not her baby and you're not her daughter.

I *might* be okay with my MIL being with me during some of the labor but definitely not the delivery.

kristin172429 · October 2011

No way. And not my mom either. We have already told them that we will call you after the baby arrives. DH will be the only one in the delivery room with me and we want time with just us a baby for a few minutes after he arrives in this world.

As for being rude or not, I think that it is completely the delivering mother's prerogative who she wants in the delivery room and to expect her to do anything that is not comfortable for her is being rude. I don't mind asking DH's opinion on this, but for this one thing, he doesn't get a say who gets to come in. It is your body going through this and it is important that you have the most supportive environment to do it in.

Giving birth is not about "including" anyone....at least not for me. It is about safely getting the baby out. Afterwards, the whole family can be included to ooh and ahh and gush over the newest addition to the family. I don't think being in the birthing room changes that.

cheese.fiend · October 2011

jparkinson:
I should have added (which makes my argument harder) that my mom will definitely be in there. My mom and I are VERY close and this is her first grandchild. I couldn't imagine not having her in there....just really not wanting the MIL in there. Maybe I'll be the "rebel" and tell her no.

As I explained above, we're in the same boat! I know it may seem (especially to your MIL) that it's not "fair" and I'm SURE I'll be called "selfish" by my own MIL, but the way I see it is, it's not about "who gets to see the grandchild be born" or "who gets to see the grandchild first," it's about who you want as your support system during labor. It doesn't have anything to do with preferential grandparent treatment - it just means that you don't want everyone in the room when you are in the middle of an extremely personal experience.

Maybe you can even things out by having your in-laws get the first one-on-one time with your LO after the baby has been cleaned up and dressed???

Mrs.MillerJune2008 · October 2011

Dh and I want to enjoy the labor/birth process together, but have reserved the right to invited family if wanted/needed. That being said, I have no intentions of having outside family in the room for the actual birth! My parents are not in the same area where we live, so having my mom around isn't an option.

jenick · October 2011

This is one of the few times in your life where I think YOU and only you get to make the call. It's not your husband on the bed pushing a baby out of his body. It's you. Fair does not mean equal. Personally, the birth of our children are just just my husband and I. My mom wanted it that way too. In my eyes, being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. Attending the birth falls into that category as well.

Crazygal7987 · October 2011

I love my MIL, but there is no way in hell she is coming in that room. I just feel a little funny about my husband's mother seeing my who-ha...maybe it's just me. HOWEVER, my mom and sister will be there along with DH. My sister had her first with just her and the hubby and she regretted it. BIL was so wrapped up in the birth he didn't take any pics or video. I will have one person on each leg and on person holding the camera.

In my experience, it's rare for MIL to be there. It's your child, so it's not rude. Pregnancy is one time to be selfish and not worry about what other people think. Do what you are comfortable with.

Tina272 · October 2011

Now way that is happening. If DH is not around when I go into labor I might just walk myself to the hospital (3 blocks) so she is not there.

pennyandandy · October 2011

Hell to the no. Like someone else said, the labor part is about you, not the baby. Maybe to make it more "fair" your mom can be in for the delivery but not hold the baby, and then MIL can hold the baby first, or something like that.

GotMilk9 · October 2011

Since you're havnig your mom in there, what about if you allowed MIL to be in the room during labour, but as soon as 10cm hits, out she goes!

I think at that point it's up to you (you know, the person pushing 8lbs out of her!) to decide who you feel comfortable with. I dont think anybody should be offended, and if they do get offended they're being silly/immature. The objective is to deliver as safe, quick and painlessly as possible, and if she's going to be a hindrance to that, then i say she needs to either not come in at all or leave when it's push time.

sapphirebride06 · October 2011

As someone above me said "fvck no"

My mom will hopefully be in there unless she's watching DS - in that case then it will be just H and myself. My mom was in there when DS was born and it was a blessing because H really appreciated having her and she was wonderful - she massaged my back the entire time which was heaven sent because I had awful back labor. So H and I both want her in there again but we won't even call MIL until after the baby is born.

I don't think she would expect to be in there - we aren't close to her at all and we only see her when we are supposed to - like holidays - and even then it's just weird and seems fake. Even H is not close to her and it was his idea not to call anyone on his side until the baby is born and DS has met him. His family tends to create chaos regardless of where they go or what they do and we don't want that atmosphere when DS meets his brother for the first time.

She has two other daughters and I don't know if she was in with them when their kids were born or not but I don't care. She can get her feelings hurt if she wants - it's my choice and I want my mom in there again - and H agrees - he asked before I had even thought about it. H and I are both closer to my family than to his so he would never want his mom in there - she's just...special. Let's leave it at that.

cleojunction · October 2011

Hospital staff is really good at taking the blame for you too. If you have a birth plan and let you Dr know you don't want her in there, but don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, they will say that THEY need her to stay out. They are usually really good about that kind of thing.

sanriobaby · October 2011

My MIL is dead, and even if she wasn't AND we were on good terms I'd still say no! This is a moment that should be shared btwn you and DH. I don't even want my mom in there and she's not glad about that but that's how I feel. I think it's great if someone wants others in the room, but you need to do what's best for YOU, no one else. I get that DH winds up being in the middle here, but he's not the one birthing your child. Your needs and comfort come first.

StephCripps · October 2011

i'm with you I really only wanted DH and myself there..

but my mom ended up being there too..

Thankfully MIL lives 4 hours away.. even if she didn't I wouldn't feel comfortable with her there.. it's bad enough showing my mom the goods let alone MIL

Junebug66 · October 2011

No way!

My own mom was in the delivery room last time, and I think it was a bad choice on my part. All she did was text her friends the whole time, some text messages had some very unflattering pictures attached. She got in the nurses way too.

This time, it will just be my and my DH.

chuckandmeagan · October 2011

mkarns:
OP's MIL sounds just like mine. I like her for the most part, but she tends to be a little negative and all-knowing. I don't want her in the delivering room but it's nothing personal. I only want my DH in there. If i'm gonna poop on the table I want as few eyes as possible on me.

HAH! yes! It will be hard enough for my hubby to refrain from telling me about pooping on the table... i don't need anyone else in there to let me know. My mom lives in WA and i live in PA so the chances of my mom making it to the birth is pretty slim. My relationship with MIL is shaky and she has her own daughter to do stuff like that will so she most def isn't invited in. Sometimes I feel like she wants all the glory for this child. lol she doesn't care if i don't get to have MY mom involved with anything. annoying.

BeanieWeanie · October 2011

Hell no I will not be having my MIL in the delivery room. I would not even remotely consider having anyone there but my DH and my Mum. And I get along fine with MIL, we're close enough, it's just I have no desire for any more people to see me crap the bed, throw up, etc. than absolutely have to (yes, my Mum has to because she was there with DS and was awesome). Birth is gross. MIL can wait till the baby is out and looking gorgeous and I am in a semi-presentable state and all is good again.

BeanieWeanie · October 2011

Also, I would not accompany my MIL to a gyne exam, so there is no reason why she should even be in the vicinity when I am pushing a baby out of myself.

jparkinson · October 2011

Thank you ladies....you've definitely made me feel better about my decision to not want her in there.

halo_tx · October 2011

Um, MIL will most definitely not be in the room! I don't think it's rude AT ALL not to have her in there. My own mother won't even be in the room. Just DH and I and the hospital staff.

Peglet · October 2011

I told people I don't even want them in the waiting room! It will be just me and DH in the delivery room. We will call people when the LO is born and they can come then. I asked my mom if she wanted to be in the delivery room and she didn't care. I think it will make me tense just thinking about people waiting outside for me! Also, I don't want my husband feeling like he has to go back and forth between us. I know this is extreme, but when it comes to labor you need to put your foot down and make it about your wishes. YOU are the one going through it!

JhawkCE · October 2011

Personally no one but my husband will be in the room. It doesn't matter what his ex-wife did, it's your vagina on display.

What would be rude is for her to assume that she has any right to be there for the delivery.

Brenna9481 · October 2011

No, my MIL will not be there. I have told my husband that my mom and youngest sister (who has had three kids) can be there if they want as well as my SD if her BM allows and certain other conditions fall into line.

mle5d · October 2011

Not a chance. I love my MIL (seriously, I hit the jackpot on IL's, and tell them that very frequently), but I'm not okay with her seeing me like that. She has a daughter and was in there for her son's birth (and actually was an L&D nurse as well,) so she's seen it all before. DH and I agreed that it will only be us and medical staff in the delivery room. My mother will not be in there either, and both sides are aware of this and agreeable.

My family is out of state, and want to be here when the baby is born (hopefully), so we will call them when I go to the hospital, and they'll get here when they get here (unless it is a scheduled c-section or induction, in which case they will be here already). IL's are local, so they will likely come to the hospital. I'm fine if they are in the room with us early on, but not during delivery itself.

Everyone will get the news at the same time, since we don't know what we are having, and everyone will want to know if it is a boy or a girl.

snowclouds · October 2011

I understand wanting your mother around since she is your mother. It can be comforting to have that familiar person. Don't worry about making it fair. Worry about being as comfortable and relaxed as possible.

If I was asking my mom to be in the room, there would still be no way that I would ask MIL to be in the room. There are just some things that a woman who did not raise does not need to see...me pushing my child out is one of those things. She can come in after I've delivered.

DBride2006 · October 2011

Our situation played out pretty well. We let both moms know it would just be DH and I (unless I freaked out and wanted my mommy- ha! - but I never did). I was admitted at 4 pm and MIL, BIL and both SILs came to visit a bit that evening, as did my mom, step dad and sister. Then, they all went home over night and it was just DH and me. DS was born at 7:15 AM, then we called people and they came to visit after I was all cleaned up and DS was settled. MIL, FIL & step-MIL and my mom and step dad all live within 20 minutes of the hospital and my Dad was 2 hours away, so he came down that day.

DH was great and it would have been awkward for me to have anyone else in the room. I'd love if it worked out the same way with this baby. I wouldn't mind if labor went a bit faster, but 15 hours wasn't TOO bad considering I didn't even feel the first contraction until 5 hours before DS was born.

onejitschick · October 2011

My MIL will not be in the room neither will my own mother. It will be only me and DH to cut down on all confusion I just dont have time for all the crap so it will be me and him the two people that made the baby in the first place.

Hope this helps. Smile

liberty95 · October 2011

Definitely not. I would not be comfortable with her their and while it is my and DH's baby, it is in fact MY labor. He will be fully dressed and not in pain so I get to call the shots - end of story. My mom, however, will be there. She is an L&D nurse and, in addition to holding that job for longer than I have been alive, she regularly works with my doctor, so she is in. Her, DH, and necessary staff only.

firewife9278 · October 2011

I'm having a c-section, so it'll just be DH and I with the medical staff.

We're going one step further and not allowing visitors until we've had at least an hour on our own with the baby after I'm out of recovery. We just want this special time for our little family.

KatelynEA90 · October 2011

No. MIL will not be in the delivery room.

h0b0girl · October 2011

I will not allow anyone but my husband to be in the delivery room (other than docs of course). My mom has not asked yet but I think she wants to be there as well.. I mentioned in passing that it will just be the two of us and this seemed to stop her from asking. Luckily my MIL is in England (we are in the US) so she will not be here.

squeebie18 · October 2011

Only DH and me will be in the delivery room when baby is born. I havent decided on wether or not I will let anyone else in while laboring but when the big moment comes it will be nobody but DH, me and the docs and nurses. I feel no guilt about that either. I don't think anyone else would be offended either. This is our baby and I don't need my parents or his parents to see me in that kind of pain and we want to be able to have a few moments with our baby before anyone comes in. Plus DH really wants to go to the waiting room and announce baby's name and Gender. We are not sharing names beforehand and we did not find out gender at A/S. If you don't want them in there then excluded everybody equally. I see it as we are bringing our little one into this world and it should just be us two and that new little one for a bit so we can bond. not to mention everyone in there would stress me out and I don't want opionions about how to handle labor from everyone. haha

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