How to Tell a Friend Who's TTC

daddysgrl2317 · September 2011

I am really stressed about telling my closest friend that I am pregnant. She is 35 and her hubby is 45 and they just got married a little over a year ago and have been TTC since then with no luck. Every month she is SO sad when she gets her period and is super stressed out about getting pregnant. Whenever we are together and we see pregnant people she always gets kinda moody and upset that she is not pregnant. So now that I am pregnant I am terrified to tell her. But I don't think I'll be able to keep it from her much longer since we see each other at least 3 times a week and it's almost always a source of conversation. And I certainly don't want her to find out from somebody else. I'm just afraid she's going to be mad because they're trying so hard and we weren't really trying, we just weren't "not" trying if that makes sense...

Any advice?

ceciliasdiamond · September 2011

Yeah, um, carefully. I dealt major damage to a friendship without meaning to. I thought it was best to do it in person, she told me later that she would have preferred an email. Mostly she was upset with me waiting to tell until I was 13wks. So good luck. I'm afraid I'm not much help.

Ivana_Stolichnaya · September 2011

Don't be surprised if she goes MIA on you. I had a friend who was TTC and when I announced I was pregnant with my first child I suddenly didn't hear from her for a couple months. She then got pregnant and randomly started coming around again. People can be weird sometimes when they're hurting inside.

daddysgrl2317 · September 2011

Part of the issue is that we go to church together and work with the teens together. Our husbands are the youth leaders at our church. So we basically can't avoid each other and I'm just afraid it's going to be perpetually awkward...

heathie2010 · September 2011

I'll be hard for her, but just tell her. The longer you wait the more she'll feel like you kept it from her. She may be upset for a few days, but I'll bet she'll come around soon, besides, she will need someones hand-me-downs and who better to get them from but her bestie.

heather_09_15_07 · September 2011

I'd do it over the phone or email. That way, she can react however she needs to without hurting your feelings, if you know what I mean.

elainej · September 2011

Like a PP, I've heard that some people prefer an email, so they can react to it in private, then face you when they're ready.

Amaryllis619 · September 2011

elainej:
Like a PP, I've heard that some people prefer an email, so they can react to it in private, then face you when they're ready.

Yes

Smootchy · September 2011

I told my SIL yesterday. They have been TTC for a long time and I wasn't sure how she was going to take it. She sorta called me out of the blue and I was like, "hey, that's funny you called just to see how I am... I'm super sick. blahabah" let her talk about how sick she was when they had their first child. Was worried she was gonna cry when we got off the phone, but I think she's a big girl and I will not be the last pregnant person she sees.

alexwu · September 2011

I was scared to death to tell my BFF! I actually have another friend who has been going through IVF that I haven't told yet. My BFF bascially just asked me in an email, but I called her to tell her. she was great and so supportive. I know it's hard for her, but she's being so sweet. I'm going to just try and understand her feelings. I didn't want to wait too long to tell her

pintsizedmama · September 2011

I have a similar situation - I'm extremely stressed about telling one of my good friends. She had her baby on my son's 1st birthday - and sadly he passed away a few days after birth. Absolutely the worst nightmare ever. I know that they are (or will be) trying again and I hope that maybe she'll even be pregnant by the time I tell her.. but... I don't want her to be the last to know.. or to find out from someone else. I was going to tell her in person.. b/c I thought that would be best.. but after reading PPs I realize maybe I'm better to send an email... or call her and even make sure she's in a good place (at home w/ her hubby or something) when I break the news.. that way she has support if the news hurts her in any way. Dreading it.. but hoping to hear good news from her that we are preg together.

LMA06 · September 2011

I would just be as understanding as possible. Let her know that you wanted to let her know you are expecting and you understand that this may be hard for her and you want her to take as much time as she needs to deal with it.

annerz22 · September 2011

I would email her. This way she isn't blindsided in front of you, or on the phone with you and has to pretend to hold it together. If you email her, she has time to process it and think about it without you right there. Most likely, if she is a good friend, it'll take some time, but she'll be happy for you.

You need to tell her that you value her friendship and you care about her. You need to tell her that because you know the struggle that she has been going through you also understand that she'll need some time to process the news and to take as much time as she needs.

Keep in mind, that she may not be able to handle the news and she may drift away from you. Please remember that it isn't anything you did to her, it's just her way of dealing with her struggle.

NayNaysPlayPen · September 2011

This is so tough, it will be hard on her no matter what. At first I was thinking you should def tell her in person, it seemed the right thing to do. But after reading other ladies talk about email, so the friend can react however she needs to in private, that seems to make sense. This is a very difficult position to be in, I really wish you and your friend the best of luck. I hope she is able to offer you support still.

KDR1979 · September 2011

As an infertility/IVF patient, I can tell you that MOST IF patients prefer an email LONG before you make a big annoucement to the world. She will be happy for you, but sad for herself. I've had friends that have had TWO babies in the time we've been trying for one. So, when I see their LO's, I think of what could/should have been. It took us 3 yrs to get here, so I can't even tell you how hard it is to see someone go through an entire 9 month pregnancy when you tried personally for 9 mos before she even got pregnant (and for me...it has taken the length of 4 full term pregnancies).

Here is a link with great insight (to announcing your news) from someone who suffers from Infertility:

https://projectopenhearts.blogspot.com/2011/06/so-youre-pregnant-and-your-friends.html

apaige25 · September 2011

Coming from someone who has dealt with IF, just be honest with her and don't wait too long to tell her. If you wait too long she may feel worse that you were trying to hide it from her. I felt that way several times over the past 2+ yrs.

Maybe tell her over an email or a phone call, so she has time to process on her own and can cry it out before she sees you. It is a really touchy situation to deal with. I think it is harder to be in person to hear it.

But don't stress too much over it. I'm sure she will still be happy for you.

And one more thing, don't talk too much about your pregnancy in front of her, that is unless she specifically asks how you are doing.

ABeautifulMind · September 2011

My friend and her H have been TTC for 4 years. I have yet to tell her I'm pg. Luckily we get together about once every 1-1.5 months so I plan to email her. That way she can deal in private and contact me when she is ready. Tough situation for sure.

Jessica1977 · September 2011

I have a friend at work who has been trying for over 5 years - I just took her aside alone and told her myself before I told anyone else at work. My DS is now 10 months and he is the only baby that she feels comfortable around because I was the only person in her circle of friends who had enough respect for her situation to tell her in person before word had spread. Whether you decide to email, telephone or tell her in person, make sure the message comes from you, not the grapevine...

Good luck!

daddysgrl2317 · September 2011

Well I went back and forth about telling her in person or emailing her and DH and I both decided that she's the type of person who would be more annoyed by an email then if I told her to her face. So I told her last night.

SHE was ecstatic and I was crying! Go figure... She said she was very happy for me and would have been ticked if I had waited much longer to tell her. *phew* Dodged that bullet. I'm still waiting to see if there will be some distance there for awhile but I'm so glad she knows now...

Thanks for all your advice ladies! It gave me the courage to actually go through with it!

SunflowerJC · September 2011

I'm so thankful to have run across this board and the posts. I have the same situation with my SIL, who isn't much of a fan of me. She and my bro have been TTC since they got married almost a year ago (and this will be her 3rd). She takes each cycle as a major failure. My hubbs and I have been married almost 3 years and this is our 1st so it's a huge deal for us, esp. because we didn't let anyone know we were trying. I haven't told anyone and I'm dreading it. My other SIL isn't married or in a relationship and I know she will take it hard too as she is older than me and has had reproductive issues lately. Anyway, long story short - I love the idea of an email to give them time to absorb and react to the news in private. There is far less chance of a joy-stealing blowup that way.