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October 2011 Moms
*tears* my 19 y/o sister is KU
My 19 yr old baby sister is a sophomore in college and just called to tell me she's pregnant. She is definitely not in any position to raise a child (nor does she want to) and it was a one night stand with the father of the baby who definitely wants her to "get rid of it".
We talked for a long time and she told me she is either going to give the baby up for adoption or have an abortion. I really tried not to influence her too much because she has to make the decision on her own. I told her I'd be happy to go to a pregnancy counselor with her so she can get answers to all her questions about both options.
She knows there are so many amazing couples out there who would kill to parent this baby. But she is scared of carrying the baby and how much it will change her life for the next 9 months and everyone finding out she's pregnant (the rest of our family is very strict/religious and wouldn't exactly be supportive). I feel like she's leaning toward abortion.
I've never had to have this conversation with anyone before and it was very intimidating. If anyone has ever been in a similar situation with someone close to you, and you have any insight, please share. I told her I will support her decision no matter what - I'm nervous about giving too much or too little advice. Thanks, ladies.
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Re: *tears* my 19 y/o sister is KU
Burned by the Bear
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OCT 2011 Moms BlogOh I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through this with my older sister many years ago, and it is a really difficult situation. My sister was in a little different position; she was older and had just been left by the father who decided that he wanted nothing to do with her or the child. She was 4 or 5 months along and trying to get money from my parents for an abortion. They were completely opposed and even offered to raise the baby themselves. Ultimately she decided to give him up for adoption, and it was a great decision. My family is also very conservitive, and I still don't think that our other sister has forgiven her for it, but in the end it was the right thing to do. He is now in a wonderful home with amazing parents. The best thing you can do for her is just to stand beside her in whatever she decides. Good luck to you and her; I hope it works out.
Wow - tough situation. Just keep telling her you support her and that no matter what decision she makes, you will know it's the right one. That either choice you will make sure works out together.
And I would drop everything and get to her. Bring her some chocolate and some Kleenex.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
I can sympathize. My 21 year old sister informed us she was pregnant with her 39 year old boyfriend of a couple months, back in July. I am not really a fan of her anyways but she wanted us all to act like this was normal and excited for her. Well the baby daddy dumped her and she conveniently had a "miscarriage" this past weekend. It was her birthday yesterday and she spent the whole week prior and weekend partying her butt off and I was a little appalled that she could have an abortion and go on with her normal ways.
Sorry, that turned into a vent of my own. I just wanted to say that I understand the position you are in.
October 11, 2008
Trusty Gal blog|Trusty Tales
*Hugs*
My sister is a little older (23), but was in the EXACT same situation back in December. It was really hard.
She told me she was late and then eventually that she was pregnant. The hardest part for me is that I am a Christian, so abortion was really hard to talk about, and she is my sister so she needed to know that I supported her 100%, no matter what.
We talked a lot about her options. She went to planned parenthood and talked to them about her options as well. They actually have you watch a video - I think that explains more options (I can't remember what she said exactly). She ended up deciding to get an abortion - she did the two pill option (basically causes a miscarriage).
It was incredibly hard for me and I cried about it a lot - but I didn't let her know it upset me so much. I talked to DH and my best friend so I could get through it and still provide the support my sister needed.
The best advice I can give is to just be there - be there to answer questions, offer to go to any appointments, etc. If she does decide on an abortion, you could offer to go with her to that too (if she wants and is able to have someone). My sister's boyfriend basically abandoned her while she was taking the medication and she called me crying most of the night because of the pain she was in. It tore me apart - I wish I was there instead of on the phone.
I would suggest trying to see what kind of support she wants from you - does she want advice? Does she just want someone to talk/vent to? Does she want you to go to appointments? I would offer your complete support - and see what she wants.
I'm sure you already know - but no matter what she decides (especially abortion) - it is going to be really emotionally hard. My sister still gets upset about it at times.
Hope it all goes well. I'm happy to listen or give you more tips if you want to PM me.
That's so right! You couldn't have done any better! Good luck!
You don't come off very nice in this post. Wow.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
I just want to say that I wish the world was full of more people like you.
OP I am sorry that your sister is going through this. I wish her all the strength it takes to make the decision that is correct for her.
I knew there would be some bias in the responses - just want to throw out a little information....two things that might be scary for her. 1- physical aspect of abortion and 2- financial implications to adoption. Just want to put out there some info that could allay her concerns about those two things.
- An abortion early in pregnancy can be perfectly safe. Its basically a D&C, which is low in complications and should have no bearing at all on her ability to conceive later in life. (I've had a few D&C's as the result of miscarriages) An early term D&C can cause cramping like a period, but is generally physically not hard to get through with no longterm physical impact.
- Yes, there are lots of kids in the system. BUT - there aren't healthy infants in the system. Healthy infants are in high demand by adoptive families, and although she cannot be compensated for choosing adoption, there would be many families willing to pay for any and all medical expenses for her and the baby, should she go that route. So financial issues need not weigh in.
The hard part is the emotional ramifications of each. Only she can know what she can handle/wants/needs.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
Lurker from the November board..
My sister was in a similar situation. One night stand, she was 21 though and just got her life together. Dad was a d-bag (nicest way of putting it) and told her that whateever she chooses, they will end up hating each other. She was going to have an abortion and went to the clinic and decided against it.
She ended up having my nephew and raising him. And it's a very hard road. She's really struggled the last few years and my parents and I have helped to support her and my nephew, especially after D-Bag knocked up another woman and left my sister.
She weighed her options, abortion, adoption, keeping the baby and for her, she knew "herself"; she knew what she could live with, what she couldn't do. She sought therapy, reached out to several supportive family members and friends and it helped her to ultimately make the decision to raise my nephew. She knew neither adoption or abortion was an option for her.
Your sister definitely needs your support more than ever, regardless of the decision she makes. The most important thing is that it is *her* decision and no one else's. Some comfort food, a distraction or two, and a long heart to heart will hopefully lead her in the direction that is right for her.
My family was not very supportive at first, especially those in the older generation. But by the time my nephew was born, a lot of that faded.
I would encourage her to talk to a counselor and to be there for her. You're a good sister and you're both in my thoughts.
My sister* got KU her senior year (while DH and I were desperately trying to get pregnant) -- I was completely biased against the abortion decision because of our struggles and told her it was not an option and pushed her to give it up for adoption, heck for awhile I considered raising my neice.
She ended up keeping the baby ( she made the decision once she saw the U/S and felt the first kicks) and although its not what any of us would have planned for her--she is a great mom. She works 2 PT jobs and is going to beauty school- lives with her mom who helps care for the baby. The dad is a deadbeat--and absent (but it was a similar situation, he had a GF when baby was conceived so we didnt expect him to be supportive).
I guess my point is that although its not always what we'd consider ideal--sometimes there really is a bigger plan at work. Be there for her, and love her and say a prayer that she makes the decision that is part of His plan, if you believe in a greater plan.
* I am an only child, but so is she and our moms were best friends and single parents who had busy professions so we were raised like siblings.
A cousin of mine, one who is like the little sister I never had, was actually in this same position in July. She's 18 and found out she was pregnant. I just talked to her like an older sister. She already knew her options, but hearing from someone who was very much going through similar things being pregnant myself I think helped. I made a point to not talk down to her. I figured whats done is done and she already knew she'd been irresponsible. I did make sure she knew all her options though, and I flat out said that no matter the decision I'm there for her if she needs someone to talk to.
She's decided to keep the baby and is trying to work things out with the daddy. She's about 16w along now.
BFP#2 2.5.11 (EDD 10.15.11) DS born 9.28.11
BFP#4 8.27.13 (EDD 5.6.14) DD born 4.23.14
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I was faced with an unplanned pregnancy when I was 16 years old. So I have an idea of what your sister is going through. Everyone wanted to give me advice. Fortuntely I had very supportive parents and friends who said they would be there for me no matter my decision. I wanted to keep and raise my baby with all my heart, but my boyfriend (now husband) and I decided that it was best for us to do an adoption. It was NOT an easy decision and I many times thought I was going to back out and decide to parent, but after finding out about open adoption and meeting his now parents, I became more and more confident in my decision. I don't think I could of left that hospital with out my baby if it wasn't for the fact that I knew he was in great hands and knew I would be able to keep in contact and see him grow up. The idea of not knowing and worrying and wondering was too much for me. I could not do a closed adoption. And everytime I break down and cry about not being able to parent him, the only thing that stops my tears is thinking about my last visit with him and seeing him so happy with his wonderful family. We visited a few times the first year and now we see him two to three times a year. He is doing very well. The first couple years were very hard. Mother's Day commercials and seeing pregnant women, made me cry then, but I am now content with my decision and very rarely cry after visits. Most of the time I am just overjoyed and feel so blessed to see him and to get updates and pictures. He knows that he has a biological sisters arriving this Oct. and is excited to meet her
.
Anyway, thought I would share my story. If your sister is thinking about adoption, I would be happy to share my story with her or answer any questions about the process etc.
Best wishes to your sister. I hope she finds a choice that brings her peace.
I was19 when I found out I was Pg with my son. I'm so thankful I didn't get an abortion even though it had crossed my mind, he is one of the best things ever!!!
I had a different situation though I had been with my boyfriend for 4 years he is now my husband so we had a relationship to work with. My son is almost 11 years old now and I just die inside when I think that he almost never was.
Abortion can seem like an easy fix now but when she is older and has "planned" kids of her own she may look back on the abortion with regret and bitterness. ( Ihave a friend who had one done at 18 and never got over it.)
I would sway her into adoption at least seriously taking time to look into it as much as you could, in this day and age even girls from strict religious families are not looked down upon for getting pg like times before. Yes people will be happy but it is not the end of the world. I would not get an abortion just to hide my shame that I got knocked up, it is not worth it! I would much rather she think of the long term future and not the present.
Her path will be hard whatever choice she makes just because she had an abortion though doesn't mean it is over mentally.
Be kind to your sister, and have her really think this through!!!
Also lurking from November, but definitely agree. The best thing you can do is support her no matter what. I don't have a sister but I have had a friend in a similar situation.
Continue to be supportive no matter what. Talking to some sort of professional would be good for her. It's important for her to understand that this isn't a choice that she'll make and never revisit again. I had a close friend who went the abortion route twice. She had nightmares for a long time and it still hangs over her years later. That isn't to say it wouldn't be an option for your sister, but I think a lot of people think that you just make the choice to get rid of the pregnancy and that's it, but it really runs a lot deeper than that.
Good luck to you and her as you navigate this.
I guess if you knew more of the back story of my sister, then this would make more sense. I promise I am not a mean person, my sister is a manipulative sociopath and the fact that after it took me a while to get pregnant, she gets knocked up no problem and gets rid of it just as quick.
October 11, 2008
Trusty Gal blog|Trusty Tales
Like many others have said, you are being such a good sister and friend.
I will share my experience with this situation:
My friend got pregnant when she was in her late 20's - she was single and sleep with a guy who was basically a hook up buddy. She decided she wanted an abortion and I supported her and brought her to the clinic, since the guy wouldn't. Even though she was "older", she knew she didn't want to have the baby and I respected her decision. I know not everyone is the same but my friend does not have any regrets about her decision. I am glad I was able to be there to support her with no judgement when no one else was there for her (her family lives far away and is very religious - she didn't tell them.)
Good luck with your sister - just being there for her is so important to her, no matter what she chooses!
Well then, I would say you DON'T know how the OP feels and your post here about your sister was misplaced. Having a sociopath as a relative really sucks, and it sounds like you have lots to vent about - but clearly your situation and anger over your sister's actions are vastly different than the OPs. Your lack of compassion for your sister has back story - but nothing about the OP suggests that she is coming from anywhere near the same place.
Sorry, it rubbed me the wrong way when I read the previous post it came across as pretty lacking in compassion for me. But when you throw out the term "sociopath", I get how complicated things are. My father is one. But that's a story for another day.
OP - your sister is lucky that she has you to lean on, and that you are coming to her from a place of support and not judgment. Cheers to you and best wishes to your sister.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
This.
Also, I think you are an amazing sister for supporting her either way on this and alone for the fact that you clearly are the one she turns to in a situation like this. Best of luck to both of you.
I was in the same situation as your sister and the two PP, however I chose another route. I was 18 years old and just out of high school. I had been with my BF for about 6 months when I got pregnant. I had just started college and although I was "in love" with my BF, I think deep down I knew it wouldn't be a "forever" relationship. I had ambition and wanted to do something with my life, where he was content working part-time, low-paying jobs. Needless to say I chose to have an abortion. It was something I talked over with my mom and it took me about a week to make my decision.
I don't regret my decision at all. My BF at the time stayed together for about another 6 months and then it ended. I found out about 6 months after that, that he had a new girlfriend who was pregnant and she was keeping it. I was heartbroken, but knew the decision I made was best for me. I have now been with my DH for almost 9 years (married for almost 4) and this pregnancy was very well planned. I can't imagine where I'd be in my life I had made a different decision.
Abortion is not for everyone and I cried for a long time afterward, but I truly feel it was the best thing for me.
So all you can do is continue to be there for your sister and offer your support. Don't judge her with whatever route she decides. My twin sister ended up being in the same situation as me several years later, but up until then she had always called me horrible names and thought what I did was the worse thing in the world. You can't judge someone until you're in their shoes, I don't care what your beliefs are. Try to be as understanding as possible.
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My best friend got pregnant and I told her I'd support her in whatever decision she made. She chose the abortion then she couldn't handle the decision she made and went on a really bad spiral downhill. She started doing meth and ended up going to jail....She had some risky behaviors before she got pregnant but ultimately it was the abortion that sent her over the hilll. After the abortion, I couldn't be around her anymore, i tried so hard to not judge but I saw what she was doing and couldn't be a part of that. I'm not saying that your sister will do the same thing,but it is a huge responsibility to deal with for the rest of her life. On the other hand, I have another friend who recently found out she was pregnant, the guy wanted her to "get rid of it" but she knew she couldn't handle that emotionally. She considered adoption but she's starting to get excited about the baby. Her situation is different as she is 25 and has a job...not in her career field (dumb recession) but it is a job. She called today to tell me she has learned to make gowns for the baby.
Everyone is different and in different situations. If I were you, I'd call her every day to check on her, to let her know how much you care. Also, maybe you should talk to her about the emotional toll abortions take...don't try to discourage it, as that needs to be her decision but she needs to understand that it will never "just go away". GL and T&Ps coming your way!
Okay seriously...so abortion results in drug addiction and jail and deciding to keep babies results in awesome happy lives full of peace and wonderfulness! That must be why no one ever abuses their children. . .
Sorry this post just really upsets me. I am sure that you know a fair amount of people who have had abortions (who never bothered to tell you) and these people live perfectly normal lives that aren't clouded with regret, shame or a downward spiral.
Of the people I know who have had abortions not a single one of them regrets it. In fact, they all say it was the best decision they ever made. And they all went on to be successful, get married and have kids later on, when they were emotionally and financial able to handle it.
I get it, I understand that people are pro-life or pro-choice or whatever and I completely respect those choices. What I don't respect is the use of scare tactics to get a point across.
I was thinking the same thing - PP's post reads like an after school special. I've had an abortion and don't regret it one bit. I also don't crave meth.
To the OP- I think the best thing you can do is support your sister in her decision, even if you would choose a different route.
This. And most of the people I know aside from my friend who is divorcing for reasons completely unrelated to the abortion, the women are actually still with the person who got them pregnant and are in healthy stable relationships.
I have actually been in this position a few times.
My friend T got pregnant at 15 and had no clue what to do so she decided on an abortion. we supported her choice and although I have my own opinions on it, it was something she had to choose.
T was pregnant again at 17 and had a wonderful little boy, then T got pregnant at 19 and had a very hard time deciding what she wanted as she was still young. After thinking it through and tons of talking she eventrually decided that it was the right thing to do and had another little boy.
My sister who is 4 years younger than me found out she was pregnant at the ripe age of 16 and decided on adoption. All we could do was support her.
Just tell her you respect her wishes and that you are there no matter what. Abortion can really take a toll on someone but so can adoption and or motherhood.
i wish her the best
WOW ladies thank you all SO much for your advice and kind words! I am so comforted by the support of everyone and am particularly thankful to those of you who shared your personal experiences. It was SO encouraging to read all of your responses.
When DH came home and I filled him in on the situation he was pretty shook up on my behalf. He was definitely sad for my sister but his perspective was very much, "I don't want you taking on all of this stress so close to delivery- you don't need to be overwhelmed by all of this at 9 months pregnant" - he didnt mean it in a mean way toward her and it was something I hadn't thought of before. DH said he was comfortable with me being there for her emotionally and going to a pregnancy counselor with her if that's what she wants - but he said he really didn't feel comfortable with me accompanying her to an abortion clinic if that's what she decides. He said it really freaked him out to have his 9 month pregnant wife do that. Once he mentioned this, I realized I hadn't thought how ridiculously hard it would be to be there with her, with my own LO about to pop. Hmm...
We'll see what she decides but either way, I'll support her decision and whatever the coming months bring...again I can't thank you all enough for your kind words and advice!!
Wow, what a tough situation. I'm so sorry your sister has to make such a tough decision at such a young age.
No matter what she chooses, it will change her life forever. I think the best thing you can do is what you are doing. Be there for her. Be a shoulder for her to cry on, be someone who will listen without judgement, and support her decision. I personally would avoid advice as far as what she should do. She is the one who has to live with whatever she chooses. Just try and help her understand that no matter what, she will get through it. Life will go on and while this will always be with her, she will be okay.
Good luck to you both!