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s/o FB conventions
What do you all think about using a photo of your kid(s) as your FB profile pic?
A lot of my good friends and family do it, and I'm sure a lot you all do it. In fact, after my wedding I posted a picture of my older daughters as flower girls as my profile pic for a month. But I've read compelling arguments that we are self-effacing ourselves (so to speak) by using pictures of our kids in place of ourselves, and that we are essentially communicating the message that "I am my child".
Here is one of many articles I've read on the matter for those interested.
ETA: I want to make clear that this is not an indictment; I'm just interested in what you all think.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: s/o FB conventions
I know a lot of people who do. It doesn't bother me, I wouldn't go on a rant about it. But I don't do it. That's not me, its my kid.
But I don't ever have a picture of JUST me as my profile pic, either. That's too AW for me
Its always a photo of me and DH, or me with the kids.
Right! So using your kid's pic is basically photo-sharing in that case, not self-effacement.
Gracie is a lot cuter than I am and the most important part of my life, so by default, she gets the profile pic
Unless there is a pic where I look gorge, then she gets the boot.
meh. i have my younger son's photo up as my fb photo right now. before that, i had the same profile pic up for like two years.
i have friends w/ photos of landscapes, longhorns, t-shirts, signs, dogs, stuffed animals, and balloons...and that was just w/ a quick scan of my friends list.
my question is, why does the author care what is on her friend's profile pic?
Same here.
I have one of my favorite pictures of DS as my profile and it's been up there since basketball season because I love it and don't want to change it. Most of the pictures I have on FB are of my kids, because that's what I use it for: keeping in touch with family and friends about my personal life. I wouldn't put their pic on linkedin, but sharing family pics is a big part of FB for me.
Good point about the various things people use for profile pics besides pictures of themselves.
As for why the author cares--I think it's pretty interesting, especially if we view it in the context of how women choose to define themselves in social contexts. It's been a hot topic, so I wouldn't dismiss it as the author just being bitter or having too much time on her hands.
edited: typos
I actually agree with the article to a certain extent.
I'm probably overly harsh, but I don't like it when facebook profile pics are anyone or anything other than a photo of the person. But that's also because of how I use facebook. I like to connect with old friends and people I haven't seen in a long time and it's frustrating to look up an old friend and see a recent pic of a child and wonder, is this the person I'm looking for? If it's not, and I message them will they think I'm some crazy child stalker?
That said, doing it every once in awhile it doesn't bother me. Your kid does something cute? Sure, put up a photo for a week. A beloved relative passes away? It seems reasonable to honor them with a photo for a period of time. But overall I'd rather see more pictures of mom and child than just the child.
P.S. This topic totally reminded me to change my profile pic. Thank you for that.
Do you feel self-conscious because you are worried that people will be annoyed with the fact that your LO is a common topic, or do you feel self-conscious because you feel like you need to monitor yourself because you are now a mom?
The former. And I feel this is especially true around my friends who don't have kids.
DH's profile picture is only DD right now. I doubt anyone would say he was "hiding behind his child" or say that he defines himself as only a father based on that fact. (and I'm quoting the author of the article here, not OP).
I prefer to mostly have me as my profile pic on FB b/c people who I may have gone to school with could be searching for me and if they saw my kids (who look nothing like me), they wouldn't know if I were the right Joyce ___ ____ or not and vice versa. I hate when I'm looking for someone and can't get a face w/ the name and instead get some stock pic or a photo of their family instead.
My husband has some stupid picture as his profile pic but he does NOT want to be found on FB.
ETA: hadn't read the responses before I answered, but ditto Chicklit.
ETA2: I have, maybe a couple of times when I've got a good pic of both the boys, have used them as my profile pic, but then I try to get someone to take a good/funny/ridiculous picture of me so I can swap it out as soon as I can. Problem is, I'm the one behind the camera most of the time so there aren't as many pictures of me floating around.
I think anyone who actually thinks that is totally overthinking the matter. For reals.
Sometimes my pic is me, sometimes it's a cute one of my kids. I don't see my FB pic as a representative of myself, it's just my favorite picture of the moment.
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
Honestly, I prefer photos of my children because I feel that I'm unattractive in the photos I have of myself. It's a self-esteem thing.
I don't do it, but I don't care if others do it.
It really bothers me during hunting season when people start putting pictures of them or their kids posing with dead animals. Its disturbing on many levels,and makes me wonder, aloud, "WHY AM I FRIENDS WITH THIS PERSON??"
Right, so maybe mothers are being subject to a type of scrutiny fathers don't undergo (surprise!). Although, I have a sneaking suspicion that the amount of mothers who use pics of their kids as profile pics is much higher than the number of fathers who do it.
Wow, I've not had the pleasure! Bummertime.
"Overthink" is my middle name
I'll go ahead and agree with all of that.
Exactly this.
Mine is a pic of DS right now, but before that it was the two of us. But that pic is like almost 2 years old now, even though it's my all time fav.
Funny, because you came up in conversation when I was talking about it with a friend yesterday. To paraphrase, I said, "No, having your kid's pic as your profile pic does not mean you live through your children, because I have a friend who does it and she is totally outspoken and definitely does NOT hide behind her kids."
(p.s. I know you were just talking about photos, but I'd like to add that you're gorgeous, in pics and IRL.)
(disclaimer: I didn't have time to read the article, but...) it seems to me that having a photo of you and your kid could be subject to the same kind of criticism as having one of just your child, something along the lines of the woman defining herself only through her role as a mother and losing her independent identity.
Personally I think that whatever a person's profile pic is, it's just a chance for them to share what is valuable to them. Not surprisingly, a mother's most valued thing is often her child(ren). But that's not to say that she loses all other things of value just for that one.
I think it can create logistical problems as mentioned above--if someone is trying to find you, they may not know if it's you or not if they don't know what your kid(s) look like.
Totally (sort of) unrelated--your siggy pic of the winky-wink is adorbs.
I definitely don't hide behind my children. That is true. I would say that I proactively work to separate my identity from my children as much as possible.
But I think you speak to a bigger issue of a woman's identity. I think more so than for men, there is pressure (from whom or what I don't really know. I usually credit these kinds of pressures from unseen sources as coming from the "Theys". As in "They always say...." or "They judge how I...") for women, when they become mothers, to release their pre-children identity and take up this identity as "Mother". She is expected to put aside or even give up her needs and wants in favor of providing for her children. She becomes "So-and-so's Mommy."
I don't think that women who use their children's photos on their FB profiles are consciously making the decision to hide their true identity or even erase their identity, but I think you will find that there are many woman who will say and believe ideas like "My children are my life."
Social media and how we use it to express ourselves and communicate with others is a fascinating study in sociology and human interpersonal behavior.
[PS - Thank you for the compliment.
I know I'm not unattractive. I guess I see myself in my head differently then I see myself in photos. Sort of a "Is that what I really look like?"]
I think the title of her article rubbed me the wrong way. You can absolutely discuss a topic w/o a title demanding (without so much as a "please") that another woman do something.
Again, my question stands, why does the author care what I (or any other person) have on my fb pic? I don't read the article as her being bitter or having too much time on her hands, I just think it's a reach to say that a photo you post on a whim defines your person. In my previous profile pic (the one that was up for 2 years), I was hiding, literally, behind three glasses of wine. Anyone who knows me beyond a casual hello knows that I am much more of a hard liquor girl than an wine drinker
. Sometimes, a picture really is JUST a picture.
I'm on team mlf on this one w/ a side of Emer. If this were an article about how moms are suddenly posting their child's pic on Linkedin, then I might be a tad concerned.
sheesh, seems like I need to take myself more seriously.
I'm a blue yoshi. I love mario games so it's a great bit of my personality.
It would take me ages to find or take a decent photo of myself where I didn't feel like a dork putting it up.
I just don't have the time or energy to over think the role of moms in today's double standard society or whatever.
Sometimes reading your posts is like stepping into a warm bath.
I'm still figuring out what I think. The issue of motherhood and identity is so freaking complicated, especially given the changes over the last 40 years.
Based on some of these responses, I see that FB profile pics serve a variety of functions that don't necessarily lend themselves to the author's critique. And yet, I think that while it is rare for women to consciously choose to hide behind their kids, we may do so unconsciously. And sometimes using a child's pic for FB is an unconscious reflex of that tendency/pressure felt from society.
Totally. I'm definitely taking that point away from this thread.
wrt siggy: Thanks! I'm loving the irony that my siggy pic essentially functions as my profile pic, in light of the topic.
(edited last sentence to make clearer)
I must agree with you on that point.
Sorry for not paring down the quotes, I'm too lazy right now, but I'm speaking to AJL's bolded.
I think the opposite is true right now. I actively chose to be a SAHM. DH could go either way- he just wanted me to do what worked for me and our family, but it was important to me- at least to give it a try.
In my experience, when meeting new people socially, I am often asked what I do. My response is that I stay home w/ our sons, J&T. Next question, 9 times out of 10 is "What did you do before that?" and when I tell them that I used to teach, the next question (always) is "Are you planning to return to teaching?"
I have met very few people in my days who think that it is acceptable to change roles and embrace that change. I taught for nearly 10 years and while it consumed my life, it didn't define me. I am 100 times more invested in the lives of my children and the health of my relationship w/ my husband than I ever was in teaching...and I was pretty invested in teaching. So, I have no problem w/ embracing being a wife and mother. I have no issue w/ being Jon's wife or Jack and Tommy's mom. But, for me, the default expectation put on me by others is "Ok, so, you're at home now...then what?"
Okay, so I've just read the article and my response is: "Ohhh...well it's written by Katie Roiphe." I've never really cared for her definition of feminism.
This section annoyed me more than the rest:These Facebook photos signal a larger and more ominous self-effacement, a narrowing of our worlds. Think of a dinner party you just attended, and your friend, who wrote her senior thesis in college on Proust, who used to stay out drinking till five in the morning in her twenties, a brilliant and accomplished woman. Think about how throughout the entire dinner party, from olives to chocolate mousse, she talks about nothing but her kids. You waited, and because you love this woman, you want her to talk about?what??a book? A movie? A news story?
Who does Roiphe what these women to be? Is the Facebook Woman less feminist because she's interested more in her children than in Proust or drinking until 5 AM? Could it be that her values changed and she's matured into a different version of herself?
Like Rssn said, values change and what we hold valuable changes, too. The problem with the non-stop kid talk is that it is boring. But guess what? So is non-stop talking about any single subject. I'm pretty sure I'd want to tell Roiphe to can it once she started orating her treatise on the modern subservience of women and how we're disappointing our founding feminist mothers.
Roiphe is definitely over thinking this issue. And ending the article with this:
What if Facebook pages are only the beginning? What if next are passports and drivers? licenses? What if suddenly the faces of a generation were to disappear, and in their places beaming toddlers? Who will mourn these vanished ladies and when will Betty Friedan rest in peace?
There isn't a big enough eye-roll for this.
I think this convo is really interesting. I tend to agree with the opinion that profile photos should be reserved for a photo of the person whose profile it is. Just because I would prefer that for most people I'm FB friends with since I don't see THEM all that often.
However, I can definitely see the case for something that they feel represents them. My nest/bump avatar is a graphic I created of one of my dogs. I am not just a dog owner. Dempsey is not the only thing, nor the most important thing in my life. In fact, I have two dogs and the other is not pictured. I don't think it's a big deal. When I have a LO, I'm sure I'll be posting photos of that little face (and feet and hands and nose) everywhere. lol
I was also thinking of some moms that I know on FB... one in particular has posted exactly one photo of herself in the past year. The rest have been of her kiddo, including her current profile pic. From what I know of this person, I think that's more of a self-image thing than anything else though. The rest seem to have a good mix of kid/non-kid profile pics.
BFP 12.20.2010 :: missed m/c 1/2011 around 8 weeks
BFP @ 9dpo 5.24.2011 :: missed m/c 6/2011 around 7 weeks
positive for ANAs (1:40) with a speckled pattern
MTHFR c677t mutation (heterozygous)
*folic acid, baby asprin, Prometrium, acupuncture, Lovenox*
BFP @ 9dpo 2.1.2012 || HCG = 8 : Progesterone = 19.2
2nd HCG @ 11dpo = 40 || 3rd HCG @ 21dpo = over 5000!
Stick, little one, stick! EDD October 15, 2012
And I HATE this expectation. What I choose to do and when I choose to do it is my business. I love the availability to my children and my family that being a SAHM affords me. But being Andrew's wife and Ben and Molly's mother are just two facets of my identity. There is a lot more to me that that and I don't like being only defined as a wife and mother.
I encountered a woman at a sign making party. My sister was a union organizer and I went over to help them make rally signs. An older woman (late 50s/early 60s) asked what I did and when I told her that I stay home with my children, she said, "You're not going to do that when they go to school, are you?" It felt like an indictment that I was doing a disservice to myself and to womanhood in general. I assure you, she meant that way. She said as much.
I think I participate in volunteerism and community leadership so much is because I don't want to be pegged as only a wife and mother. I don't think they garner very much respect (in my experience.) Of course, I find a lot of fulfillment in my civic involvement but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't disclose my motivation.
ETA: Explain this irony - my Nest SN are my husband's initials. Talk about pissing off Roiphe.
This is basically how I feel, too, so in the words of the immortal mcurban, I'm on team Rssn, with a side of MrsAJL thrown in. My FB profile pics have run the gamut of Cookie Monster with a bunch of fruit instead of cookies, saying "WTF is this?!?!", to just my son, to me in 1st grade (way-back week), to me+DH+DS, to SJP (celebrity look-a-like week, and in HS I was always told I looked like her), my Nana after she passed, to me with my son, and now me with my besties.
For me it is basically a lack of self esteem - I look SO different than I did in HS (when I was hawt!) that I couldn't stand the thought of any HS people finding me and saying to themselves "Wow, she got HUGE!". Those that did find me found the right me with no problems, and if anyone is looking and doesn't know if it's the right me - doesn't really hurt my feelings because I probably haven't talked to them in 20 years and I'm sure I haven't missed them. That being said, the pics I use in place of just myself are pics of people/things that either a) I highly value or b) I'm playing a stupid FB "profile pic" game. Never gave it any more thought than that.
When 3 Became 4
Ditto. To all of it. As I was reading this I was thinking that I'd much rather talk about my kid than whateverorwhoeverthefuck Proust is. And the passport and DL picture point is dumb. Someone was trying to wrap up a post that was going no where so she decided to make a sweeping, ridiculous statement to add some drama. Writing fail.
My family is the most important thing in my life. Not my book club, not my job, not my car, not the happy hour I attended last week. Nor do I think that pictures of those things are half as attractive as pictures of my family. So, yeah, I'll keep posting the pics of my kid, because she's cute and I am proud of her. I don't have to go out of my way to only post pictures of myself getting wasted or writing a legal brief to prove that my kid isn't my life.
Roiphe sounds like a douchbag to me.
MrsAJL, are you my sister?
When 3 Became 4
Drat! Now I wish I had posted one the other articles that was less polemical, because I think the FB profile pic issue should be teased apart from all of the other stuff the author takes on (like dinner conversation).
My bad. You post and you learn.
Do you remember any of the other articles? I'd love to read them.
Jumping back in to say I completely agree with the bolded. It's frustrating to be in a conversation where you can't talk about anything but the one subject, whether that subject is kids or cats or Doctor Who. Personally, when the subject turns to kids but never leaves it, I end up standing around feeling bad about myself for not being able to connect with my friends.
As to what MC was saying about jobs and identity, I think that's part of a larger discussion that's not just particular to being a SAHM. Try telling people you quit your job to write novels. At least child rearing has an air of nobility to it, most people think what I do involves daydreaming and occasionally scribbling something on a page. I've received some harsh commentary from people when they find out that I left a perfectly good paycheck to write full-time. I think our culture is very fixated on traditional employment and so help you if you opt out of it.
Fascinating discussion, bluestreet!
ETA: Well I couldn't find any online that weren't a directly related to the original one I posted, which is annoying, because I've come across the topic in a few a different places. If I find any I'll send them!