What type of boundaries do you set?

Re: What type of boundaries do you set?

• Dreamsicle23 member

  July 2011

  You should come up with an agreement with your husband about when/how much time to spend with them, and have him be the "enforcer".

  

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• Jessys_Girl

  July 2011

  Not just with in-laws, but with everyone.  If I get a call asking/inviting us to do something with them and it's not a good time, I say "Oh, we're busy right now, but if you're available on X night, we'd love to come by and visit or have you over to visit us".  Or when i talk to people I just let them know up front "We'd love to see you guys, we're free Friday and Saturday if you guys are available".  that lays my schedule out there so that they know that i can't be/don't want to be bothered on any other night.

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• jana_86

  July 2011

  We just had this discussion the other day.  MIL wanted to have cake and ice cream for SIL's birthday.   She scheduled it for 7 p.m., not even two days before that I had told MIL that LO's bed time was 7.  She had asked us to go to dinner and I said that we could go as long as it was early enough for us to get DS to bed by 7, because that's when he is used to going to bed and I want to keep it that way.

  So when DH asked if we could go have cake and ice cream I was pissed.  I told him that if we went, to me, it was like saying "oh, it doesn't really matter what Jana says" and all rules and boundaries go out the door.

  You just have to pick your battles.  To me, naps and bedtime are very important, so those things I'm going to be pretty strict about. 

  

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• Jessi+Aiden

  July 2011

  Our situation is a little different since my DH only has one half sister 30 min away and my family lives 1200 miles away. Also, my MIL keeps Aiden for about 4hours every morning while I'm at work. We are just really up front with them about our lives and what we can and can't do. My DH works from 7:30 am - 6:30 pm most days, I work 4:45am - 11:00am, and Aiden's bedtime is 8:00pm. They know that the time John has with Aiden is at most 1 1/2 hours in the evening, and he usually has to wake him in the mornings to put him straight in the car. Because of that and the fact that I have to get up at 3:30am for work, we just have a general rule that we do not go out or allow people over during the week. Maybe once a month we will go out with family or friends on a weeknight, but after countless refusals when Aiden was little, they kind of got the picture that we want to be together as a family in the little time we have available.

  We try to do something with his family once a weekend, get lunch or dinner, go swimming, etc. But if they call and ask us to do something or come over and we don't want to, we just say "sorry but we can't today, we have plans already. How about we do X at ____ time instead?" That is what works out well for us.

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• noelles4e

  July 2011

  I'm in the same boat. I agree with this PP. However my DH won't be the "enforcer". He thinks its perfectly normal for his mom to call every other day, including when we are on vacation together.

  

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• CourtneyR2N member

  July 2011

  Can you try to make plans ahead of time? Maybe once a month or so plan a gtg, that way they feel like they are getting "time" but they aren't springing it on you at the last minute.

  

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• drewiekc

  July 2011

  Exactly how often is "always calling and wanting to get together"?  Are we talking once a week?  Multiple times a week?  We have a standing dinner date over at the IL's house every week on Sunday.  If we have something going on, it's not a big deal and we just do it another night, or don't go over that week.  I wouldnt want to hang out with them every day, but I have no problem seeing them once a week.  they want to see us and spend time with their granddaughter, it's perfectly normal.

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• laura3462 member

  July 2011

  I am a lot like you. My in laws are constantly stopping over. I finally said we need family time alone before bed to get him settled. Sometimes they stay and watch us give him a bath etc. I get so irriated but it is a cultural thing for DH and families are REALLY invovled where my family is not that way at ALL! I was nice and shy at first but now, I try to nicely say we like to do things this way because it keeps him on a scheduled for work etc. If you put it like that most of the time it is ok.

   If you are trying to get out of always giving another day to stop by try to leave it open ended. My DH always says things very "grey" so I have learned...Can always say sounds like a good idea we will have to plan something, we could get together next week sometime. You are not committed but you give the person the feel that you are going together.

  

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• klmfabulous

  July 2011

  Great advice... thank you so much ladies..
  

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