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November 2011 Moms
Can I just host my own baby shower?
My husband and I relocated to Chicago from NYC a few months back so all of our friends and family are back in New York and we have very few friends here. As such, I want to have my baby shower in New York, especially since it's our first baby and I really want a special, memorable shower. We're going to do a co-ed, afternoon BBQ type thing, not a frou frou, girls only thing where I have to wear a ribbon hat. My best friend, who agreed to "host" seems to be too busy with work to give me the time that I need. My mom, who also lives in the area, would love to host but would probably just annoy me since I'm very type A and she, well, is not.
What is the custom here? I would find it much easer to just organize and host the whole thing myself because of all the logistics involved. But everyone is asking about who is hosting, and I feel like it would be weird if I said "I am!" What is the custom and is it okay to do it our way? Please advise!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Can I just host my own baby shower?
You asked a question, we gave you an answer. You'll probably end up doing it anyway, but it is considered rude to throw your own party where a gift is expected. If you really want to throw your own party, do one after the baby's born. You can host that.
Going to have to agree here - pretty harsh and I was expecting some more understanding responses, too!!
Honestly, I was wondering if I could host my own, as well. I have had offers, but not from anyone I can rely on. This too is my first and just like I and everyone else want your nurseries, your doctors, birth plans, registries to be perfect, what is so wrong with wanting a baby shower to go the way you really want it to go.
Sorry if that seems shallow, but a baby shower is a big deal. And, it's not about the presents. I like to throw parties for others all the time and I do it to make them and everyone else feel special and comfortable. Bring a gift or don't. Its a celebration of your little one.
I live in the South and manners are everything. It's all in how you present yourself and the party. Do what you feel is right in your heart. Lots of luck!!!
I'd have Mom host it however she wants, and then if you want to host your own "meet the baby" party once he/she's here, go for it. Don't ask for gifts at that one, though.
Real talk: hosting your own shower does come off as selfish to many people, even in the year 2011 and with busy schedules. It might not be easy to accept, but it's the truth.
Sorry I agree with other ladies. It is not okay to host your own shower. It is okay to host your own meet/celebrate the baby party after-the-fact if you don't get a shower. Because that is a party that is not all about you. Your mom might not be type A, just be thankful that you have a willing and involved parent. Thats more than a lot of ladies have.
It seems like you're both new here. You asked a question reguarding an old tradition, and tradition is seeped in manners. On this board, if you ask a question and want opinions, that's what you get. Not sugar. The responses that you've received have been nice although none of them share your feelings. You may feel that this shower is just a celebration for the baby, which it is, but everyone knows that at a shower you give a gift. Now if you're talking about a "Baby Sprinkle", that's different, however that wouldn't apply to you since this is your first baby. GL!
Why dont you plan the logistics of the party (when, where, time, decor, food, etc.) and have your mom's name as the host on the invitation, since you are so "type A". I've been to many baby showers and couldnt tell you who "hosted" what. During the shower, let your mom run the games and all that stuff. Its your baby and your shower so do what you want regardless of what people on the internet as we wont be invited anyway. If people bring a gift they bring one, and if they dont they dont. its not gonna stop your party.
If you think WE'RE being harsh, go post the question on the "Baby Showers" board and see the responses you get.
You can't come on a board, ask a "supposedly" honest question and then get offended when you get honest answers. YOU might like to think that a baby shower is about the celebration of the baby, and it is, to a degree. But let's be honest...it's really about gifts. That's the FIRST thing people think of when they receive an invitation to a shower. If it were just about celebration, 4th and 5th baby showers would be perfectly acceptable, and they're not.
Like I said, you can definitely help plan it. But it is tacky to throw it yourself. I'm sorry.
I too believe that you do not host your own shower. A shower is a gift given to you. If you are asked to particiapate in the planning than go ahead, but otherwise you graciously accept what is given for you.
my read shelf:
i'm sorry but i didn't get the vibe of people's responses being harsh at all. they didn't call you names, didn't say anything bad or negative. just simply saying "no, it isn't ok" - you asked the question, they answered.
i agree, i do not think it's appropriate to host your own shower. If you're concerned about details allow you mom to host and give your two cents.
If you already had your heart set on a specific answer for specific reasons, why even ASK?? You are more than "type a" if you need to not only control every blessed aspect of your shower to enjoy it but, also need to control the answers you get about it when you ask a question. You might consider getting some help for that. You absolutely can not control every aspect of having and raising a child, you need to be able to go with the flow and be flexible to some extent. I sense a VERY rough road ahead for you. So, get a grip.
Even in 2011, with busy schedules it is considered tacky to host your own shower. Sorry if you don't agree with the cultural norms of American society. We are NOT being harsh. Etiquette is what it is. If you want a celebration of your new baby, host a welcome baby party once you HAVE a baby. If you want a baby shower, you need to accept it within the confines of socially accepted practice. You should really focus more on how lucky you are to have a mother who wants to and is able to do this for you. Honestly, complaining about how she is sure is screw it up because she can't possibly live up to your high, "type A" standards comes off as pretty entitled and ungrateful by itself.
FYI, if we were sticking with 1950s standards, it wouldn't be acceptable for YOUR mother to host the shower either. That alone is a concession to modern times.
This is exactly what I was thinking.
I live in a new town and will be lucky to have 7 people show up to my shower. It's not what I had envisioned all my life of course, but Im lucky enough to have friends who are insisting in honoring me even if it will be small.
Thank you to the ladies that brought ideas to the table. Even though you don't agree, you helped instead of lashing out. Many of us are new, overwhelmed and need help, so we come here. I have read time and time again and even experienced the ways the November 2011 Moms are much more helpful than other sites and that's why we trust to ask things.
I was a bit heartbroken and thought that was no longer the case with this post, but I was happy to see some of you chime in.
Thanks again to the helpful ladies!!!
By "helpful" do you mean the people that told you to "go for it', aka gave you the answer you wanted to hear? Because everyone else said that you could be involved so that things would be to your liking, but that you could not THROW it yourself.
I think everyone here was "helpful". You asked a question, and we gave you good solid advice. So, you're welcome!
My friends hosted their own shower. I don't think any one of us thought it was "gift grabby".
They are also unmarried. It was an unplanned pregnancy because his mom and her ex husband tried for 2 years with IF help and no results. They got divorced and she reunited with he high school boyfriend, guess it was just meant to be this way.
I digress. I and another friend offered to host her shower, but she wanted to do it herself. I guess I don't see showers as a way to score free gifts, but more as a way to help out a new mom and dad, because with the way the economy is now-a-days, I think anyone and everyone could stand to use a little help.
Fact is if you want a party then throw one, but do not call it a shower. Showers are for "showering the bride / Mom with gifts," hence the name. They are held generally by a friend, aunt or cousin of the Mom and more often today by mothers or mother in laws. Holding your own shower is TACKY and plain wrong. If you do hold your own shower, just expect less people to show up or to call you rude behind your back.
This is hysterical to me. You clearly haven't seen real drama on the boards!
And to the OP, hosting your own shower is tacky. You say its about "celebrating the baby" but you don't want your mom to do it. Why? She isn't celebrating the baby the right way? Showers, by their very definition, are about gifts. If you'd like to host your own, put "no gifts, please" on the invitation. If that doesn't feel right to you, check your motivation for having this party.
Would 2 pages of "OMG that's a great idea" felt like more of a "conversation" to you? Perhaps Babycenter is a better fit for you, if that's a place where people would validate your ideas instead of giving their honest opinions. I think my issue with your situation is that you DO have someone to throw you a shower, you just don't like how she's going to do it. You said yourself that you're just too type A to let the details of celebrating the "arrival of a blessed child" go to someone else. IMO, that's pretty judgemental, which is the very thing you're accusing those with a different opininon of being.
I think it's tacky when one person gets 3 showers because 3 different people want to throw one. Why can't they just have one all together?
JMO
This pretty much sums it up. Most shower invites will read, "Come help (mother to be) celebrate the new little one. PS - MOM IS REGISTERED AT BABIES R US, TARGET, BABY DEPOT (insert store of choice)." However, if you want to host your own shower just to celebrate the arrival of your LO, then make it clear in the invite that guests are not to bring a gift. You should probably call it a celebration lunch or something other than a "baby shower" if you are not expecting gifts. That being said, I'm sure several people want to buy you gifts. Turn things over to your mom if she is willing to host. I read this quote somewhere the other day - "Take what comes your way without expectations and experience more fun than frustration." I would take that attitude with your shower. Good luck to you in whatever you decide!
Eh!!! What's the big deal? If you want to throw your own shower, I say do it! Who cares about tradition, like you said it's 2011. Every woman wants a baby shower especially for their first kid.
My family lives in a different state and will be flying in to throw my baby shower, but if I didn't have that I'd totally throw my own. Who cares about the naysayers who say you seem "gift grabby" if the guests care about you they'll want to shower you with gifts. I think if given the same situation, other women would the same.