For my next birth

melodylb · May 2011

I am going to fight harder for med-free and to breast feed.

I am feeling a little guilty after watching the business of being born. Not guilty that I did something wrong, but that I didn't fight hard enough for the things that were important to me.

jenna3016 · May 2011

I have few regrets about my birthing experience. I still believe my Dr. made the right call. E had his cord wrapped around his body 2x, and a c-section was necessary. [this comment is a reaction to the preview of The Business of Being Born.]

I opted to stay alert during the surgery so I could see LO.

* And, yes, I do believe that some Dr's and hospitals see delivery as business, and not "an experience" for the mom.

+diana82+ · May 2011

kdodge423:
Don't let a producer with an agenda make you feel bad about the decisions you made. Yes, some hospitals and doctors do push people through and it can be hard to do anything other than what they say. But that video is so damn onesided it's not even funny. They use just as many scare tactics as the other side of the argument to try to scare you into their way.

Live and learn. You can plan all you want for the next one to be more as you would like, but you never know how things are going to end up. At the end of the day if you and baby are healthy, the way things during labor and delivery went is irrelevant.

Well said.

msditz00 · May 2011

Normally a lurker over here, but...

I understand how you feel. I was all set for a natural birth at a birthing center. Then my water broke at 34w5d. I was so stressed from being in the hospital, and then with all the monitors and medications and other awful things going on, I gave in to the epidural. Still not a day goes by that I don't strongly regret that decision.

A huge reason we are trying for a second biological child (we are also trying to adopt, which is what we planned all along - one bio then adopt one) is so I can prove to myself I can do it.

Mrs_Liberto · May 2011

kdodge423:
Don't let a producer with an agenda make you feel bad about the decisions you made. Yes, some hospitals and doctors do push people through and it can be hard to do anything other than what they say. But that video is so damn onesided it's not even funny. They use just as many scare tactics as the other side of the argument to try to scare you into their way.

Live and learn. You can plan all you want for the next one to be more as you would like, but you never know how things are going to end up. At the end of the day if you and baby are healthy, the way things during labor and delivery went is irrelevant.

That couldn't be further from the truth for thousands of women, and you saying so belittles their experience and tells them that their feelings don't matter-- that the only thing that matters is the baby is here and safe--which couldn't be further from the truth. There is such a thing as birth trauma, and it is a very real and very close (psychologically) to PTSD.

https://www.themidwifenextdoor.com/?p=1176

https://www.themidwifenextdoor.com/?p=1372

https://www.solaceformothers.org/what_birth_trauma.html

And here's a few things to NOT say to a woman whose birth didn't go the way she hoped:

https://www.theunnecesarean.com/blog/2011/2/27/comforting-a-woman-traumatized-by-her-birth-experience.html

sourapplemartini · May 2011

kdodge423:
Don't let a producer with an agenda make you feel bad about the decisions you made. Yes, some hospitals and doctors do push people through and it can be hard to do anything other than what they say. But that video is so damn onesided it's not even funny. They use just as many scare tactics as the other side of the argument to try to scare you into their way.

Agreed!

But I'm going to try for a natural birth next time too. I made it to 7cm with DS before getting the epidural, and had I known I was that far along before I got the epi I might have waited. But I also hadn't prepared at all for a natural birth so I'm hoping to do that the next time too

bancbev · May 2011

kdodge423:

Don't let a producer with an agenda make you feel bad about the decisions you made. Yes, some hospitals and doctors do push people through and it can be hard to do anything other than what they say. But that video is so damn onesided it's not even funny. They use just as many scare tactics as the other side of the argument to try to scare you into their way.

Live and learn. You can plan all you want for the next one to be more as you would like, but you never know how things are going to end up. At the end of the day if you and baby are healthy, the way things during labor and delivery went is irrelevant.

Please don't ever utter these words again to someone. It's not irrelevant and saying it is, is demeaning and rude.

caffinated_tulip · May 2011

I think that having a say in what happens to my body is not irrelevant and that my desires for how I'm going to give birth absolutely must be taken into consideration. I do not, at all, under any circumstances want a C-section. I also want absolutely minimal medical intervention, and will probably refuse to be induced unless there is a problem.

Am I willing to sacrifice any and all of this if the shiit hits the fan and I'm left with no other choice? Hell yes. If shiit goes wrong, and a c-section becomes the Only option for my baby and I then you bet your sweet ass I'm going to do it, but I refuse to be told that my desires are irrelevant.

CinnamonBun · May 2011

kdodge423:
Don't let a producer with an agenda make you feel bad about the decisions you made. Yes, some hospitals and doctors do push people through and it can be hard to do anything other than what they say. But that video is so damn onesided it's not even funny. They use just as many scare tactics as the other side of the argument to try to scare you into their way.

Live and learn. You can plan all you want for the next one to be more as you would like, but you never know how things are going to end up. At the end of the day if you and baby are healthy, the way things during labor and delivery went is irrelevant.

I completely disagree. Even though my c-section was medically necessary, it didn't stop the loss I felt from not having that birth I wanted. I had to mourn the birth I didn't have. I was drugged up I never saw my baby's face. I have virtually no memory of her being born. I didn't get to hold her for over an hour, and even then I barely remember it.

All of this played in to my PPD. I felt like my body failed. My labor happened exactly the way I wanted, but she was stuck. After pushing for three hours there was no way to dislodge her. The c section saved our lives, I am forever grateful that technology exists, but it doesn't change the sadness I feel about never getting those first moments back.

melodylb · May 2011

kdodge423:

end of the day if you and baby are healthy, the way things during labor and delivery went is irrelevant.

I am grateful that Anna and I are healthy. REALLY REALLY grateful. I just can't kick the nagging feeling that I didn't stand up enough for myself or my child. So I understand what you mean, but it doesn't change the way I feel.

erinms · May 2011

I agree with everyone who says that a woman's labor/delivery choices and birth experience are not irrelevant.

BUT, I think the current discourse about natural birth has left a lot of women (myself included) feeling pretty bad about myself and how my labor/delivery experience went.

So I think that there are a lot of important messages about natural birth being put out there by movies like BOBB, but I also think that there is an element of blame and guilt that is propagated as well.

I feel like a huge part of my "birth trauma" was the guilt I felt hearing so many messages about how if I had been more empowered or powerful, etc. then my birth would have gone differently. That I wouldn't have needed an epidural and wouldn't have had a 4th degree tear. That the only thing standing between me and the ideal birth was a midwife and a little more fortitude on my part.

I'm all for empowering women, but I think there needs to be more support for a variety of choices.

caffinated_tulip · May 2011

fredalina:
erinms:

I agree with everyone who says that a woman's labor/delivery choices and birth experience are not irrelevant.

BUT, I think the current discourse about natural birth has left a lot of women (myself included) feeling pretty bad about myself and how my labor/delivery experience went.

So I think that there are a lot of important messages about natural birth being put out there by movies like BOBB, but I also think that there is an element of blame and guilt that is propagated as well.

I feel like a huge part of my "birth trauma" was the guilt I felt hearing so many messages about how if I had been more empowered or powerful, etc. then my birth would have gone differently. That I wouldn't have needed an epidural and wouldn't have had a 4th degree tear. That the only thing standing between me and the ideal birth was a midwife and a little more fortitude on my part.

I'm all for empowering women, but I think there needs to be more support for a variety of choices.

^ perfect response

That makes a lot of sense.

I'm still holding out for a "natural birth" ( I really hate that phrase btw, but I dont know any other way of describing it) and I'm going to try my damndest to get what I want, but I agree that there needs to be support out there for women regardless of how their births go, and that we shouldnt say to them, or ourselves that "If only I'd fought a little harder, XY and Z would've been different" because there's no way to know that, and it's probably not true.

erinms · May 2011

caffinated_tulip:
fredalina:
erinms:

I agree with everyone who says that a woman's labor/delivery choices and birth experience are not irrelevant.
BUT, I think the current discourse about natural birth has left a lot of women (myself included) feeling pretty bad about myself and how my labor/delivery experience went.
So I think that there are a lot of important messages about natural birth being put out there by movies like BOBB, but I also think that there is an element of blame and guilt that is propagated as well.
I feel like a huge part of my "birth trauma" was the guilt I felt hearing so many messages about how if I had been more empowered or powerful, etc. then my birth would have gone differently. That I wouldn't have needed an epidural and wouldn't have had a 4th degree tear. That the only thing standing between me and the ideal birth was a midwife and a little more fortitude on my part.
I'm all for empowering women, but I think there needs to be more support for a variety of choices.
^ perfect response
That makes a lot of sense.
I'm still holding out for a "natural birth" ( I really hate that phrase btw, but I dont know any other way of describing it) and I'm going to try my damndest to get what I want, but I agree that there needs to be support out there for women regardless of how their births go, and that we shouldnt say to them, or ourselves that "If only I'd fought a little harder, XY and Z would've been different" because there's no way to know that, and it's probably not true.

Absolutely, you should hold out for what you want. I really hope that in 14 and a half weeks I get to read your wonderful, positive natural birth story. I just felt so sh*tty after my delivery, and I really want to avoid that for other women. No matter how we have our babies, it is something to be completely proud of.

BrittRMere · May 2011

I'm just being honest here, and I realize it may be flameful, but I'm going to say it anyway.

I don't understand the need to grieve a birth experience. I honestly just don't get it.

I had a c-section because O was breech with the cord wrapped around his neck. I also had an amniotic band that prevented him from turning, and it all lead to the section. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to have the 'natural' experience, but I knew it was what was best for my baby, so I got over it.

In the end, I had a healthy, beautiful baby and there was no need to dwell on what could have been.

There is no use in looking back on your birth negatively. You can't change it. Be grateful for it, because it resulted in a precious gift. Mourning your dream experience is a total waste of time.

All you can do is advocate for yourself next time if you feel your requests weren't taken seriously.

ohashlet · May 2011

BrittRMere:
I'm just being honest here, and I realize it may be flameful, but I'm going to say it anyway.

I don't understand the need to grieve a birth experience. I honestly just don't get it.

I had a c-section because O was breech with the cord wrapped around his neck. I also had an amniotic band that prevented him from turning, and it all lead to the section. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to have the 'natural' experience, but I knew it was what was best for my baby, so I got over it.

In the end, I had a healthy, beautiful baby and there was no need to dwell on what could have been.

There is no use in looking back on your birth negatively. You can't change it. Be grateful for it, because it resulted in a precious gift. Mourning your dream experience is a total waste of time.

All you can do is advocate for yourself next time if you feel your requests weren't taken seriously.

Clearly your birth didn't mean a lot to you. For a lot of women it doesn't, and that's fine, but to downplay another woman's experience is incredibly ignorant.

akalutts · May 2011

ohashlet:
BrittRMere:
I'm just being honest here, and I realize it may be flameful, but I'm going to say it anyway.
I don't understand the need to grieve a birth experience. I honestly just don't get it.
I had a c-section because O was breech with the cord wrapped around his neck. I also had an amniotic band that prevented him from turning, and it all lead to the section. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to have the 'natural' experience, but I knew it was what was best for my baby, so I got over it.
In the end, I had a healthy, beautiful baby and there was no need to dwell on what could have been.
There is no use in looking back on your birth negatively. You can't change it. Be grateful for it, because it resulted in a precious gift. Mourning your dream experience is a total waste of time.
All you can do is advocate for yourself next time if you feel your requests weren't taken seriously.
Clearly your birth didn't mean a lot to you. For a lot of women it doesn't, and that's fine, but to downplay another woman's experience is incredibly ignorant.

Thank you, I was struggling to come up with a response to that, so I'll say Ditto here because you nailed it Ash.

ohashlet · May 2011

caffinated_tulip:
That makes a lot of sense.
I'm still holding out for a "natural birth" ( I really hate that phrase btw, but I dont know any other way of describing it) and I'm going to try my damndest to get what I want, but I agree that there needs to be support out there for women regardless of how their births go, and that we shouldnt say to them, or ourselves that "If only I'd fought a little harder, XY and Z would've been different" because there's no way to know that, and it's probably not true.

Caff, something I've noticed about you and a lot of women who strongly want a natural, unmedicated birth is that they qualify their desires with statements like, "if something happens I will listen and do xyz for the baby's sake" etc when you don't need to put that doubt in your mind.

Obviously you would do anything for a healthy baby in the end, I just want you to know you don't need to add this statement to everything, because sometimes I think it can get engrained in your psyche and you can have that nagging in the back of your mind when it's incredibly detrimental to the mindset you'll need going into labor.

Not meaning to dog on you, I've just noticed you do it and wanted to let you know

BrittRMere · May 2011

ohashlet:
BrittRMere:
I'm just being honest here, and I realize it may be flameful, but I'm going to say it anyway.
I don't understand the need to grieve a birth experience. I honestly just don't get it.
I had a c-section because O was breech with the cord wrapped around his neck. I also had an amniotic band that prevented him from turning, and it all lead to the section. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to have the 'natural' experience, but I knew it was what was best for my baby, so I got over it.
In the end, I had a healthy, beautiful baby and there was no need to dwell on what could have been.
There is no use in looking back on your birth negatively. You can't change it. Be grateful for it, because it resulted in a precious gift. Mourning your dream experience is a total waste of time.
All you can do is advocate for yourself next time if you feel your requests weren't taken seriously.
Clearly your birth didn't mean a lot to you. For a lot of women it doesn't, and that's fine, but to downplay another woman's experience is incredibly ignorant.

My birth DID mean a lot to me.

I'm just saying that looking back at your experience with regret does you no good. You should appreciate it for what you got out of it.

I would never look back at the birth of my son, as long as he was healthy and nothing life-threatening happened to me and think, "Gee, that was disappointing."

ETA: typo.

greenclown · May 2011

BrittRMere:
ohashlet:
BrittRMere:
I'm just being honest here, and I realize it may be flameful, but I'm going to say it anyway.
I don't understand the need to grieve a birth experience. I honestly just don't get it.
I had a c-section because O was breech with the cord wrapped around his neck. I also had an amniotic band that prevented him from turning, and it all lead to the section. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to have the 'natural' experience, but I knew it was what was best for my baby, so I got over it.
In the end, I had a healthy, beautiful baby and there was no need to dwell on what could have been.
There is no use in looking back on your birth negatively. You can't change it. Be grateful for it, because it resulted in a precious gift. Mourning your dream experience is a total waste of time.
All you can do is advocate for yourself next time if you feel your requests weren't taken seriously.
Clearly your birth didn't mean a lot to you. For a lot of women it doesn't, and that's fine, but to downplay another woman's experience is incredibly ignorant.
My birth DID mean a lot to me.
I'm just saying that looking back at your experience with regret does you no good. You should appreciate it for what you got out of it.
I would never look back at the birth of my son, as long as he was healthy and nothing life-threatening happened to me and think, "Gee, that was disappointing."
ETA: typo.

That's great for you that yu got over it so easily. That doesn't mean that everyone can or will get over it so easily, and to state that they should is ignorant at best. My first delivery was traumatic, and because of that delivery, I will never have the birth I was looking forward to. Who the hell are you to tell me that I'm wasting my time mourning that loss?

NavyClan · May 2011

BrittRMere:

You can't change it. Be grateful for it, because it resulted in a precious gift. Mourning your dream experience is a total waste of time.
You should appreciate it for what you got out of it.
I would never look back at the birth of my son, as long as he was healthy and nothing life-threatening happened to me and think, "Gee, that was disappointing."

These statements really rub me the wrong way. I think that yes, there is a lot of hype now that leads to unncessecary guilt, but these statements are really just...ignorant. The sense of failure, that your body failed, you didn't do "your job" as a woman, the regret that some women feel, and the trauma that can be involved in a birth(even when the end result is a healthy baby) are very real, and you being so blatantly dismissive of those feelings that are very real to so many is just gross.

bensbabe · May 2011

fredalina:
BrittRMere:
ohashlet:
BrittRMere:

I'm just being honest here, and I realize it may be flameful, but I'm going to say it anyway.

I don't understand the need to grieve a birth experience. I honestly just don't get it.

I had a c-section because O was breech with the cord wrapped around his neck. I also had an amniotic band that prevented him from turning, and it all lead to the section. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to have the 'natural' experience, but I knew it was what was best for my baby, so I got over it.

In the end, I had a healthy, beautiful baby and there was no need to dwell on what could have been.

There is no use in looking back on your birth negatively. You can't change it. Be grateful for it, because it resulted in a precious gift. Mourning your dream experience is a total waste of time.

All you can do is advocate for yourself next time if you feel your requests weren't taken seriously.

Clearly your birth didn't mean a lot to you. For a lot of women it doesn't, and that's fine, but to downplay another woman's experience is incredibly ignorant.

My birth DID mean a lot to me.

I'm just saying that looking back at your experience with regret does you no good. You should appreciate it for what you got out of it.

I would never look back at the birth of my son, as long as he was healthy and nothing life-threatening happened to me and think, "Gee, that was disappointing."

ETA: typo.

Ah, but your caesarian sounds pretty "clear cut". (Granted i am far far far from an expert on the birthing thang, but cord wrapped around neck twice sounds more than typically dangerous). What about the woman who labors "too long" but has no other real complications, but the medical practitioners, including the midwife who is supposed to be an advocate for her, start pushing for interventions when she doesn't feel comfortable with them? When they give her husband, who wasn't educated in childbirth at all, some scare tactics? And then the surgery doesn't go as easily as she would hope and she feels guilty, and angry, and bitter, on top of the baby blues and it all adds onto PPD/PPA? Should she not be upset that she was used as a pawn for the medical establishment to make more from her insurance company? Or that the people she trusted to help her make informed decisions pushed her to do something that went against what she believed was best?

Exactly Fred.

And I DO know what I'm talking about. I've been in OB for several years. I have seen the good & the bad of "alternate" delivery choices. Actually, the cord around the neck or body twice doesn't always mean that the birth would be traumatic. It might make for a funky-looking fetal tracing, or maybe some extra adrenaline at the pushing phase of labor and/or delivery. The fact that your baby was breech is enough to warrant a c/s in 99.99% of cases.

As I have said, I work OB. I've worked in several delivery settings. I even considered becoming a midwife a few years ago (another story for another time). That being said, I had a traumatic delivery: I lived in my current area less than 6 months. I got my OB on recommendations from my co-workers & I was pressed for time, so I didn't get to fully immerse myself in research. My OB worked alone (ie: has no partners, so no one takes call for him). I was diagnosed w/Gestational Diabetes (which most anyone can tell you is a sentence for early induction for most OBs), but I was well-controlled w/diet. I fought induction, but my OB really wanted me to induce by 40 weeks. He didn't want me going past my EDD. I conceded & was induced on my EDD. I also later discovered why he didn't want me going over my EDD--he had a local OB conference he was going to & no one could cover for him. My EDD was the day before the conference started. So, in this regard, I was bullied twice, and I KNEW better!

L&D is a whole other story. Though I worked there, they are locally known as being a "baby factory." I didn't know anyone on day shift well enough to be my own advocate. I did ask for low-dose pitocin, since I was in early labor when I was admitted, but my water broke 15 mins after starting it (goes to show that I didn't even need it).

I got my epidural at 7cm (which, if I would have known I was going so fast & was in transition, I wouldn't have gotten it b/c my plan was to go natural). They made me lay on my side instead of sitting up. My son turned while getting the epidural & now I had back labor that the epidural couldn't help. This and watching the contraction pattern made me realize my son was sunny side-up/OP. I got to 8cm before they turned-off the pitocin & they never restarted it, so then my contractions weren't effective enough to help me dilate. After they shut-off the pitocin, my OB gave me the c/s miranda rights & said that I needed to be delivered before xx time. I never got to that time. I was laid flat during my last cervical check & my son's heartrate took a dive. Watching the monitor, I knew it wasn't a dangerous dip, but I knew they were looking at any reason to perform the c/s....and sure enough, that's what happened.

I had a horrible pp experience (pp bleeding/hemorrhage, incisional infection, poor pain control, bad pp nurses, etc). I vowed that I would try to VBAC, but this particular OB wouldn't even entertain the thought. I waited & played according to the ACOG guidelines before attempting to get pregnant this time, and it proved to be a journey. I have since changed hospitals & found an OB who is totally supportive of my wishes (unmedicated VBAC, etc). She is one of the most laid-back OBs I have ever worked with. I know my risks, and told her to not even review them in depth with my DH b/c he's non-medical & might get freaked. DH trusts my judgement, and told me that he would support my decision.

I also agree that generalizing or belittling someone's feeling with a "healthy baby, healthy mommy" delivery mantra is just wrong. It's just like telling a mommy that "it wasn't meant to be," or "it wasn't in g*d's plan" when she has a m/c. I personally try to advocate for all my patients, and I know when a baby just "won't fit," etc....but you never know until you are in that position.

heather_09_15_07 · May 2011

NavyClan:
BrittRMere:

You can't change it. Be grateful for it, because it resulted in a precious gift. Mourning your dream experience is a total waste of time.

You should appreciate it for what you got out of it.

I would never look back at the birth of my son, as long as he was healthy and nothing life-threatening happened to me and think, "Gee, that was disappointing."

These statements really rub me the wrong way. I think that yes, there is a lot of hype now that leads to unncessecary guilt, but these statements are really just...ignorant. The sense of failure, that your body failed, you didn't do "your job" as a woman, the regret that some women feel, and the trauma that can be involved in a birth(even when the end result is a healthy baby) are very real, and you being so blatantly dismissive of those feelings that are very real to so many is just gross.

Yes. And attitudes like that feed into the depression/shame women who suffer from ppd feel when they are told they should basically just suck it up and be happy and be happy they have their baby.

RachelG83 · May 2011

I shouldn't have opened this post.

iris427 · May 2011

melodylb:
I am going to fight harder for med-free and to breast feed.

I am feeling a little guilty after watching the business of being born. Not guilty that I did something wrong, but that I didn't fight hard enough for the things that were important to me.

This is exactly how I felt after my first birth. It wasn't so much that I had an induction, epidural and a cesarean when I had planned med-free birth (although that was disappointing), but that I hadn't stood up for myself more. For example, when they told me to get out of the shower and get in bed, why did I just say OK? Why didn't I say "Is there a medical reason I need to get out? Is there something wrong with my baby's heartrate? No? Then I would like to continue laboring in here where the hot water is helping my pain. You have me on continuous monitoring so you can still make sure my baby is healthy while I labor in the shower."

But for whatever reason, I wasn't in the right place to say those things. I did the best I could in the circumstances, and I think you did too.

Oh and don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't feel this way or that your feelings are irrelevant. That is BS.

ohashlet · May 2011

RachelG83:
I shouldn't have opened this post.

::hugs rachel::

bensbabe · May 2011

iris427:
melodylb:
I am going to fight harder for med-free and to breast feed.

I am feeling a little guilty after watching the business of being born. Not guilty that I did something wrong, but that I didn't fight hard enough for the things that were important to me.
This is exactly how I felt after my first birth. It wasn't so much that I had an induction, epidural and a cesarean when I had planned med-free birth (although that was disappointing), but that I hadn't stood up for myself more. For example, when they told me to get out of the shower and get in bed, why did I just say OK? Why didn't I say "Is there a medical reason I need to get out? Is there something wrong with my baby's heartrate? No? Then I would like to continue laboring in here where the hot water is helping my pain. You have me on continuous monitoring so you can still make sure my baby is healthy while I labor in the shower."
But for whatever reason, I wasn't in the right place to say those things. I did the best I could in the circumstances, and I think you did too.
Oh and don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't feel this way or that your feelings are irrelevant. That is BS.

I also agree that I will be more of an advocate for myself. I also feel it's not AS critical in my current pregnancy b/c of the OB I have chosen & my co-workers are much more supportive this go-round, but I have already coached my husband in what "may" happen & what I would like. I am considering a birth plan just for him, so that he understands what is important & I'm not the only one making decisions...especially in the state of mind I might be in.

iris427 · May 2011

bensbabe:
iris427:
melodylb:
I am going to fight harder for med-free and to breast feed.

I am feeling a little guilty after watching the business of being born. Not guilty that I did something wrong, but that I didn't fight hard enough for the things that were important to me.
This is exactly how I felt after my first birth. It wasn't so much that I had an induction, epidural and a cesarean when I had planned med-free birth (although that was disappointing), but that I hadn't stood up for myself more. For example, when they told me to get out of the shower and get in bed, why did I just say OK? Why didn't I say "Is there a medical reason I need to get out? Is there something wrong with my baby's heartrate? No? Then I would like to continue laboring in here where the hot water is helping my pain. You have me on continuous monitoring so you can still make sure my baby is healthy while I labor in the shower."
But for whatever reason, I wasn't in the right place to say those things. I did the best I could in the circumstances, and I think you did too.
Oh and don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't feel this way or that your feelings are irrelevant. That is BS.

I also agree that I will be more of an advocate for myself. I also feel it's not AS critical in my current pregnancy b/c of the OB I have chosen & my co-workers are much more supportive this go-round, but I have already coached my husband in what "may" happen & what I would like. I am considering a birth plan just for him, so that he understands what is important & I'm not the only one making decisions...especially in the state of mind I might be in.

Yes

This is one reason why my feelings about my first birth were not irrelevant and why it did do me some good to feel that way. Because it helped me become a better advocate for myself--in life in general and in giving birth the second time around. And that has helped me to be a better parent and a stronger person. It helped me have a wonderful med-free VBAC. My first birth experience made me a more empathetic person to other women and I'm grateful for that.

ValentineBB · May 2011

ohashlet:
BrittRMere:

I'm just being honest here, and I realize it may be flameful, but I'm going to say it anyway.

I don't understand the need to grieve a birth experience. I honestly just don't get it.

I had a c-section because O was breech with the cord wrapped around his neck. I also had an amniotic band that prevented him from turning, and it all lead to the section. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to have the 'natural' experience, but I knew it was what was best for my baby, so I got over it.

In the end, I had a healthy, beautiful baby and there was no need to dwell on what could have been.

There is no use in looking back on your birth negatively. You can't change it. Be grateful for it, because it resulted in a precious gift. Mourning your dream experience is a total waste of time.

All you can do is advocate for yourself next time if you feel your requests weren't taken seriously.

Clearly your birth didn't mean a lot to you. For a lot of women it doesn't, and that's fine, but to downplay another woman's experience is incredibly ignorant.

Oh please.

This comes across as so sanctimonious. Just b/c she wasn't sobbing over her c-section doesn't mean her birth didn't mean a lot to her. I had a c-section after almost 24 hours of induced labor. By the end I was practically delirious with fatigue. My doctors let me go longer than they perhaps would have suggested b/c I was so adamant about trying for a vaginal birth. When Sadie was finally born, she was giant and her poor little face was swollen from being stuck in my pelvis. There was no way she was coming out on her own and I thank god every day that the technology exists that saved both her life and mine.

If you want people to respect your wishes and decisions about a natural birth, then you should reciprocate by not acting self-righteous towards those of us who found the same peace and beauty in a non "natural" birth.

I get that many women feel cheated out of their birth plan. But the holier than thou attitudes of a lot of "natural" birthers really rubs me the wrong way.

ohashlet · May 2011

ValentineBB:
Oh please.

This comes across as so sanctimonious. Just b/c she wasn't sobbing over her c-section doesn't mean her birth didn't mean a lot to her. I had a c-section after almost 24 hours of induced labor. By the end I was practically delirious with fatigue. My doctors let me go longer than they perhaps would have suggested b/c I was so adamant about trying for a vaginal birth. When Sadie was finally born, she was giant and her poor little face was swollen from being stuck in my pelvis. There was no way she was coming out on her own and I thank god every day that the technology exists that saved both her life and mine.

If you want people to respect your wishes and decisions about a natural birth, then you should reciprocate by not acting self-righteous towards those of us who found the same peace and beauty in a non "natural" birth.

I get that many women feel cheated out of their birth plan. But the holier than thou attitudes of a lot of "natural" birthers really rubs me the wrong way.

Fine, remove the first sentence. The fact that she's downplaying someone else's pain over their birth experience is ignorant and a slap in the face to anyone who's suffered PTSD (and other trauma around their children's births).

I'm glad that people can find peace and beauty in non-natural births. I was a non-natural birth. Most of my very best friends and the sweetest children in my life came into the world under similar circumstances and I'm glad most handled it well. Many don't, and being told that grieving a very real loss (to them) is a waste of time is terrible.

Scout05 · May 2011

Hell, I'll say it. The birth process didn't matter to me. FOR ME, the actual birth experience itself just wasn't important. When it became clear that we would be inducing at 39 weeks, I elected for the c-section with no regrets or second thoughts. Had my water broken before that, I would have tried a vaginal birth w/ meds, but I wasn't tied to either situation.

Again, to ME, the actual process was irrelevant. But that's me. That's my experience, mental state, how I went into the day. It would be beyond wrong for me to think that just because it didn't matter to me, it shouldn't matter to others. I have no business making a statement like that.

When I say all I wanted was a healthy baby at the end of it, I don't say that to diminish how other women feel about their birth experience. It was just that after my history, a healthy baby was hardly a given and it was all I could focus on. If I had taken on more pressure relating to how that baby arrived, I think I would have gone insane. I was already wound too tight after nine months of being high-risk and fearing the worst at every appointment, every turn. It was better - for me - to put my energy only on the baby and ignore everything else. Once again, this is how it needed to be for me, myself, my specific situation.

But I hardly think the women who have regrets about their birth should "get over it" or feel anything other than whatever it is they feel. It's frankly ignorant to tell someone their feelings on something are invalid just because your own thoughts/experience differ.

I had the exact birth experience I wanted - little stress and a baby in my arms. I was lucky that there were no complications and that I can look back peacefully on the day. It really, really sucks that this isn't the case for everyone, and I'm sorry to the ladies who struggle with this.

danlexi04 · May 2011

I get it, the guilt that i wish it went differently. I think it's hard for a lot of women to advocate for themselves in medical settings. I was in full blown labor for 5 days. Because it was PTL and no medical intervention was stopping it, we tried to keep holding off as long as possible. Every friggen nurse was pushing an epidural. I refused because I wasn't sure how long it was going to be before their birth, I didn't want an epi for days, so I agreed to Nubain- big mistake. It completely knocked me out for at least 48 hours. I felt so drugged and hazy when my OB (who I really like) said I had been dialated for to many days and I was starting to risk infection she wanted to break my water and speed up the delivery. I was so tired of being in labor and the Nubain was killing me so I said ok. At that point I was only 33w 2d. I was given 2 epidurals and then had an awesome twin vaginal birth. But I still wonder why I didn't say please give me another day or two. I know we are all tired but would the risk of infection increase? I wish H had stepped in but he didn't, not his fault. My babies were then whisked away to the NICU and I was left without them or my H. So yea, I grieve. And I HATE when people say oh well you have healthy babies now.

BrittRMere · May 2011

First, I never used the word 'irrelevant.'

I'm sorry if what I said was offensive, but I still completely stand behind it.

If you feel like you were somehow cheated out of the experience you wanted, it is your responsibility to do something about it. Write a letter. Call your congressman. Whatever. Sitting around crying about it doesn't help you or any other woman who may be in the same situation.

Also, at some point you just have to move on from it. You can't live your entire life with that regret and guilt because you don't deserve it.

You don't deserve to think that your body is a 'failure.' It's not.

What I'm trying to say, I guess (I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts on this), is that you should either decide you are going to do something about your unsatisfactory birth experience or move past it and go on with your life. No one deserves that kind of guilt/disappointment, especially while they are dealing with a newborn and all of the struggles that come along with it.

Don't make me out to be some sort of 'ignorant' monster because I disagree with you all.

greenclown · May 2011

Britt, I don't think you're ignorant because you disagree. I think you're ignorant because you're totally dismissive of something that happens to countless women. Just because you didn't experience it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

akalutts · May 2011

greenclown:
Britt, I don't think you're ignorant because you disagree. I think you're ignorant because you're totally dismissive of something that happens to countless women. Just because you didn't experience it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

Perfectly said.

danlexi04 · May 2011

BrittRMere:
First, I never used the word 'irrelevant.'
I'm sorry if what I said was offensive, but I still completely stand behind it.
If you feel like you were somehow cheated out of the experience you wanted, it is your responsibility to do something about it. Write a letter. Call your congressman. Whatever. Sitting around crying about it doesn't help you or any other woman who may be in the same situation.
Also, at some point you just have to move on from it. You can't live your entire life with that regret and guilt because you don't deserve it.
You don't deserve to think that your body is a 'failure.' It's not.
What I'm trying to say, I guess (I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts on this), is that you should either decide you are going to do something about your unsatisfactory birth experience or move past it and go on with your life. No one deserves that kind of guilt/disappointment, especially while they are deaing with a newborn and all of the struggles that come along with it.
Don't make me out to be some sort of 'ignorant' monster because I disagree with you all.

I didnt think you were ignorant until this response. You want me to write a letter to my congressman because I had premies and a labor that wasn't what I wanted and I feel guitly about it? I should just get over it because there's nothing I can do to fix or change it? I will FOREVER live with those feelings and I most certainly don't need you telling me otherwise. Now I think you're not just ignorant but a biitch as well.

BrittRMere · May 2011

greenclown:
Britt, I don't think you're ignorant because you disagree. I think you're ignorant because you're totally dismissive of something that happens to countless women. Just because you didn't experience it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

I'm not dismissing it. I get that they are disappointed, and they obviously have every right to feel what they feel, but I'm saying that they have to move on from it somehow or spend their life looking back on a joyous occasion with regret.

I understand my opinion is an unpopular one, but I wanted to share it anyway.

I completely believe that there is no reason a woman should have to feel guilt for her birth experience. It makes me so sad that society makes us feel that way, but we can either sit around and allow it (and spend our lives wishing we hadn't been such 'failures'), or you can actually try and do something about it.

DrBeepersWife · May 2011

ValentineBB:
ohashlet:
BrittRMere:

I'm just being honest here, and I realize it may be flameful, but I'm going to say it anyway.

I don't understand the need to grieve a birth experience. I honestly just don't get it.

I had a c-section because O was breech with the cord wrapped around his neck. I also had an amniotic band that prevented him from turning, and it all lead to the section. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to have the 'natural' experience, but I knew it was what was best for my baby, so I got over it.

In the end, I had a healthy, beautiful baby and there was no need to dwell on what could have been.

There is no use in looking back on your birth negatively. You can't change it. Be grateful for it, because it resulted in a precious gift. Mourning your dream experience is a total waste of time.

All you can do is advocate for yourself next time if you feel your requests weren't taken seriously.

Clearly your birth didn't mean a lot to you. For a lot of women it doesn't, and that's fine, but to downplay another woman's experience is incredibly ignorant.

Oh please.

This comes across as so sanctimonious. Just b/c she wasn't sobbing over her c-section doesn't mean her birth didn't mean a lot to her. I had a c-section after almost 24 hours of induced labor. By the end I was practically delirious with fatigue. My doctors let me go longer than they perhaps would have suggested b/c I was so adamant about trying for a vaginal birth. When Sadie was finally born, she was giant and her poor little face was swollen from being stuck in my pelvis. There was no way she was coming out on her own and I thank god every day that the technology exists that saved both her life and mine.

If you want people to respect your wishes and decisions about a natural birth, then you should reciprocate by not acting self-righteous towards those of us who found the same peace and beauty in a non "natural" birth.

I get that many women feel cheated out of their birth plan. But the holier than thou attitudes of a lot of "natural" birthers really rubs me the wrong way.

Thank you.

BrittRMere · May 2011

danlexi04:
BrittRMere:
First, I never used the word 'irrelevant.'
I'm sorry if what I said was offensive, but I still completely stand behind it.
If you feel like you were somehow cheated out of the experience you wanted, it is your responsibility to do something about it. Write a letter. Call your congressman. Whatever. Sitting around crying about it doesn't help you or any other woman who may be in the same situation.
Also, at some point you just have to move on from it. You can't live your entire life with that regret and guilt because you don't deserve it.
You don't deserve to think that your body is a 'failure.' It's not.
What I'm trying to say, I guess (I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts on this), is that you should either decide you are going to do something about your unsatisfactory birth experience or move past it and go on with your life. No one deserves that kind of guilt/disappointment, especially while they are deaing with a newborn and all of the struggles that come along with it.
Don't make me out to be some sort of 'ignorant' monster because I disagree with you all.
I didnt think you were ignorant until this response. You want me to write a letter to my congressman because I had premies and a labor that wasn't what I wanted and I feel guitly about it? I should just get over it because there's nothing I can do to fix or change it? I will FOREVER live with those feelings and I most certainly don't need you telling me otherwise. Now I think you're not just ignorant but a biitch as well.

The writing a letter thing was just an example. What I meant was that if you feel so strongly about your experience, use it to make some change. Tell your story to other women to empower them to stand up for themselves, etc.

No, there is nothing you can do to change what happened to you, which is my point. You can, however, use what happened to you to give a little push to the system so that one day women will be taken seriously when they lay out their birth plans.

Scout05 · May 2011

ValentineBB:

If you want people to respect your wishes and decisions about a natural birth, then you should reciprocate by not acting self-righteous towards those of us who found the same peace and beauty in a non "natural" birth.

I get that many women feel cheated out of their birth plan. But the holier than thou attitudes of a lot of "natural" birthers really rubs me the wrong way.

I do agree with this. The pearl-clutching I have encountered - on TB and IRL - over the fact that my c-section was elective is frankly ridiculous. I mostly find it amusing given how stupid it is (why it matters to anyone else if I pushed my child out of my vag or not I have yet to understand), but for someone more vulnerable about the whole thing, I can imagine it might bring them to have regrets over the experience that they may not have otherwise had.

And that is just as unfair as someone telling those dealing with disappointment over their birth experience that they need to "get over it."

BrittRMere · May 2011

Scout05:
ValentineBB:

If you want people to respect your wishes and decisions about a natural birth, then you should reciprocate by not acting self-righteous towards those of us who found the same peace and beauty in a non "natural" birth.
I get that many women feel cheated out of their birth plan. But the holier than thou attitudes of a lot of "natural" birthers really rubs me the wrong way.
I do agree with this. The pearl-clutching I have encountered - on TB and IRL - over the fact that my c-section was elective is frankly ridiculous. I mostly find it amusing given how stupid it is (why it matters to anyone else if I pushed my child out of my vag or not I have yet to understand), but for someone more vulnerable about the whole thing, I can imagine it might bring them to have regrets over the experience that they may not have otherwise had.
And that is just as unfair as someone telling those dealing with disappointment over their birth experience that they need to "get over it."

I do apologize for using the phrase 'get over it.' That was insensitive wording on my part.

My last post is more along the lines of what I was actually trying to say much, much earlier but failed to.

ValentineBB · May 2011

Scout05:
ValentineBB:

If you want people to respect your wishes and decisions about a natural birth, then you should reciprocate by not acting self-righteous towards those of us who found the same peace and beauty in a non "natural" birth.

I get that many women feel cheated out of their birth plan. But the holier than thou attitudes of a lot of "natural" birthers really rubs me the wrong way.

I do agree with this. The pearl-clutching I have encountered - on TB and IRL - over the fact that my c-section was elective is frankly ridiculous. I mostly find it amusing given how stupid it is (why it matters to anyone else if I pushed my child out of my vag or not I have yet to understand), but for someone more vulnerable about the whole thing, I can imagine it might bring them to have regrets over the experience that they may not have otherwise had.

And that is just as unfair as someone telling those dealing with disappointment over their birth experience that they need to "get over it."

My next baby will be a scheduled "Circle the Date" c-section. Between the issues with my cervix, the large size of my baby and the small size of me I am not a great candidate for a VBAC. Truthfully, the idea of a VBAC scares me more than another c/s b/c if I had to go through the same futile labor again only to wind up with another c/s, I'd be a wreck. If anyone has an issue with that they can respectfully go eff themselves. Self-righteousness isn't relegated to one side of this argument, that's for sure.

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