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Babies on the Brain
For my next birth
This discussion has been closed.
Re: For my next birth
BrittRMere - maybe it's just my scarred perspective of this issue but the way you word your posts makes it seem like you think women CHOOSE to feel sad/upset/defeated/letdown/violate/bullied about their birth experience when it doesn't go the way they hoped and "planned". If you think women CHOOSE to "sit around and cry" about their emotions regarding such an amazing and precious experience you are an idiot and you are dead wrong.
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No, no, no. I do realize after re-reading my first posts that that is what it sounded like I was saying, but I promise it isn't.
I'm trying to say that if you are that affected by your birth experience then you need to use it to promote some change, rather than just stewing in regret. I'm sure some of those feelings may still be there, but turning them into something positive is much more productive than just stewing in them.
Also, my other point is that no woman should EVER be made to feel like she is a failure because of her birth. We (a general 'we') need to stop allowing people to make us feel like that, because no one deserves that guilt.
I've been asking myself this about all kinds of things, but why the hell do we care about what other women do? .
Valentine, if a circle the date c-section is the birth that you want for your next baby than by-gods you should have that! I see no reason why anyone else should give you shiit about it. If I want a natural crunchy birth, then I should be able to have that with out a fight (unless it doesnt work out for valid reasons). I don't see why we should point fingers and say "You don't care about what happens to you" or "You're being too emotional, you're healthy and you have a healthy baby stfu". Everyone's experience is different, and it's fine to want what you want for your birth, and it's fine to be bothered by having a negative experience. It's also fine to not care about the birth itself.
It's like every-other Mom-wars topic. It's stupid to fight about. Breast feeding vs. Formula? Who the fvck cares as long as Mama's happy and baby's getting fed. SAHM vs WOH? Does it work for your family? Then awesome.
Britt, you seem to be pretty clueless on birth trauma and the emotions for thousands of people surrounding the births of their kids. Your posts all seem to imply that women have a choice in their feelings and that all births are a "joyous" (your word) event. and that you can't understand why they'd 'choose' to feel anything but utter joy. But if you had read any of the info I posted, you'd realize that women don't CHOOSE to have flashbacks and nightmares and serious depression (not unlike PTSD in some cases) relating to an experience that was FAR from joyous.
And for the record, I have no idea where the comments about sanctimonious natural birthers came into this. OP wanted to try for a natural birth and it didn't happen and she feels a variety of mixed emotions surrounding it. She shouldn't feel belittled or have her feelings dismissed by people who had a better/different experience. It has nothing to do with natural births vs medicated births-- PPD/PTSD/birth trauma affects women in equal numbers regardless of if they got an epi or had a c-section or delivered in a kiddie pool in their living room. It's also pretty evident that birth trauma is far more related to the care you receive at the hands of your medical staff (or, rather, lack of care and lots of scare tactics) than it is to what "kind" of birth you had.
I couldn't agree more.
Kumbaya biitches.
"This ribbon has been reported." - lovesnina
Backpedaling doesn't get you anywhere. Your first response and this explanation do not match at all. I was about to go back and highlight places I'm referring to but I don't want to waste my time.
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Ohaslet responded to Britt that "obviously your birth didn't mean a lot to you" because she wasn't despondent over her c/s. Obviously I don't agree with a lot of what Britt said/how she said it, but that comment was a bit on the self-righteous side for my taste and (IMO) just as out of line as the dismissive "get over it" attitude on the other side.
"This ribbon has been reported." - lovesnina
'Clueless,' 'ignorant,' 'biitch.'
I guess that's all I am. *shrug* And here I thought I was just trying to tell someone that a good way to move on from the pain is to use it to do something positive rather and sit on it for the rest of your life.
Radical concept, I suppose. Moving on.
There was some slight backpedaling, I'll admit, but only because what I said at first was insensitive, and wasn't the message I really wanted to get across. I wrote the first couple of posts while I was at work (and had been there for HOURS) and I was just pissy and took it out here a little.
I apologized, and rephrased in a way that I feel more correctly conveys the point I was trying to make.
Please, tell me what kind of change I could have lobbied for after my L&D experience. I'd love to know, because the hospital did everything absolutely right. I made all the choices I wanted, and it still went downhill.
I labored for almost 24 hours. My epi (that I wanted, and do not regret having) failed, and with one baby in my spine and another in my cervix, I wanted to die from the pain. Luckily my best friend was there and was able to talk me through the transition phase from hell. The back labor was so bad that it felt like my spine was going to explode. So when I finally got to 10cm, and was pushing DD out, I felt like I had done it. I had made it through the most difficult part and would be meeting my babies soon, and it would all be worth it. Then, DS's heartrate started to drop during pushes. Then it dropped and stayed down. Next thing we know it was in the 20's and not coming back up. I had to have an emergency c-section because his cord was coming out with DD, and was cutting off all oxygen to him. He would have died. There was no other choice, and it had to be done within a few minutes to save him. Except that, oh yeah my failed epi didn't do anything when they pumped it with more meds for the c-section, and I had to be put under general anesthesia.
I didn't get to see my babies until 45 minutes after they were born. My best friend got to see them and hold them before I did (which while I love her as much as a sister, and thought I'd be ok with that, in reality it took me over a year to "get over" that). I didn't even get to feed them their first meal, because I have horrible reactions to anesthesia, and I was in the middle of a panic attack when they needed to eat. They got their first bottles at the freaking nurses station while DH was trying to calm me down enough to not kick the nurse in the face while she was examining me. It was awful. The only real recollection of my first sight of them is the pictures I have of it. I don't actually remember those moments at all except as just another part of the post-anesthesia blur.
I grieved that. I grieved that experience for MONTHS, and I am generally not one of the cruncy, natural birthing mothers you're talking about. Of course I was thankful that my babies were safe, because we were close to losing Nathan and I can't imagine not having my son today. I realize now that yes it was all "worth" it. But it took me a long time to get to that place, and even realizing that, I will forever look back at my L&D experience and hate so very much of it. Yes, I grieved. In a way I still do I guess. I will NEVER just "get over" other people having those precious first moments with MY babies, even though I know it was for the best. Never.
Agreed.
Maybe my reading comprehension is off but no one in this post said they're sitting on it for the rest of their life. The OP had better "ideas" for how she was going to move on than you did. You obviously have no experience with these emotions or how to counsel and encourage someone who has so just stop.
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Also, I agree 100% with Val.
VERY well said!
I'm sorry I said anything at all.
Once you get past my first couple of posts (where I was clearly abrasive), I really was genuinely trying to help turn this into something positive.
I don't want this to leave a bad taste in anyone's mouth because I do want to continue to post here.
I'm truly am sorry for anything offensive I said.
Oh, and FTR I don't think emotions surrounding birth should be a "mommy wars" issue at all-- it should be 100% the opposite.
From Birthing Beautiful Ideas: https://birthingbeautifulideas.com/?p=1291
And I hope that all birth advocates?and all people, for that matter?can ultimately push for these goals: for healthy moms and healthy babies, for care providers who give transparent and caring and sensitive advice to the women they encounter, for care providers who treat birthing women with dignity, for care providers who practice evidence-based medicine, and for women who can find a safe space to process their births, whether these births were exhilarating or disappointing, empowering or traumatic.
From The Midwife Next Door: https://www.themidwifenextdoor.com/?p=1176
How often is does a woman enter the hospital and feel in control of her birth and her surroundings? Ironically, the very structure and system within the hospital seems designed to eliminate any feeling of control and reduce women to mindless robots who are ?good girls? and do what they are told.
When a woman has difficulty with a vaginal exam, or the sensations of birth, she is regarded as an uncooperative patient. I have frequently seen doctors physically force a woman?s legs apart in order to perform a vaginal exam, rather than explaining what they needed to do and waiting for the woman to give permission and indicate readiness by relaxing her legs.
Why is it so difficult for health care providers to embrace the philosophy of the woman being in control of her experience? What is so hard explaining a procedure and asking the woman?s permission to carry it out? Why is it that so often, if a woman is reluctant to undergo a procedure, she is labeled as ?non-compliant? or her physician plays the ?dead baby card?: ?You don?t want your baby to die, do you? We have to do this so your baby will be born healthy?. While there are times that there is a legitimate risk of harm to the baby if a particular procedure is not carried out, there are also many times that this threat is made, without any evidence that an actual risk exists.
The thing is though, you haven't really accepted that for so many of us, it's not just this simple situation that we can spin into something positive to lobby for others. And even for those whose situations were in that category, the feelings are still very real, and they take a long time to process and move past. Add PPD to those feelings, and it's a whole new game. I get what you're saying about trying to find something you can DO about your feelings instead of just dwelling, but it seems like you're completely invalidating the feelings in the first place just because YOU didn't experience them. I'm pretty sure we all know that it's not good or healthy to sit and stew about things we cannot change. Having someone who admits they've never had those feelings say to just get over it (in those words, or masked in "kinder" words) does not help anyone.
I clearly don't have as much of an understanding on what is being discussed here as I thought. (No sarcasm at all, just a realization.)
Sometimes I need to learn to keep my mouth (laptop) shut.
The more you keep typing, the more piissed off I get. I can't do anything to change the birth I had. I didn't have a choice b/c I would have died with out a C section. But for you to sit there and say I should "get over it" and "move on" or that I shouldn't mourn the birth I didn't have makes you a fvcking moron.
I'm sorry you are ok with how your birth went. I'm not ok with not seeing my baby's face or remembering those first few hours. You can kindly fvck off now.
Read the rest of my posts.
I apologized and said I should not have said what I did, and should have kept my mouth shut.
I really am sorry.
Don't feel guilty because of a tv show.
I fought my arse off to have a vaginal birth. 72 hours fighting my body after being told repeatedly they didn't have faith I could do it. My doctor's were very aware I wanted to try and prevent a c-section and because a section has higher risks, they tried to work with me as much as possible.
But in the end, they finally told me they couldn't let me go any further..it was pointless. I was exhausted, my body had not done anything in over 12 hours.
The result was that I had a harder surgery and harder recovery because I went through so much fighting to have a vaginal delivery and the first few days were hell. The first week sucked.
I'm still fighting for breastfeeding. I refuse to give up on that one thing but it sucks that none of it went the way I hoped and I can't ever relax because I constantly have to do things to try and improve my supply.
I understand the guilt...I have it. I have anger for my own body sometimes but in the end I have to remember that I have this amazing little boy and he's healthy and I'm a good mom for trying as hard as I have.
But next time...they've already told me and I agreed...we schedule a csection. Hopefully I will have a better recovery and can start off with the right meds etc for the lactation issues. But don't ever have guilt or feel bad because of a point of view from a tv show etc. There's always another side to the story and you can only do so much.
well damn...I probably should have read the whole thread before posting to OP...because clearly it has detoured so my response is probably useless now as people will be looking for a response to the other stuff.
I'm late and uninformed to everything lately. jeessh
I am so late to this party but there are some ladies here I would like to hug and kiss right now because they put my very feelings into words.
(FWIW, I had a c/s with my first, and what I refuse to call a "failed" VBAC with my second, yes I had a RCS but I never even went into labor 26 hours after my water broke...not a twinge, and she was so high up I think she kicked my tonsils). My second c/s was a breeze and I have a healthy baby but that doesn't mean I am not just a little sad that I won't ever have a vaginal birth. I was more than a little sad with #1.
also late to this party and wondering how to put this in words so it doesn't offend.
I've noticed that some women don't care if they have a boy or a girl. They honestly do not have a preference. Those who DO have a preference cannot wrap their brains around that concept.
This is the same thing to me.
In my experience, you have a plan, an idea, a goal, a dream for your first birth. For your first child. And if it doesn't go according to "plan" (whether you implicitly stated you had a birth plan or not) then it's normal and OK to mourn that dream. Some women handle it better than others and that's OK too. And some women have a gawdawful experience and will never get over it. Because we all process grief and handle ourselves differently.
I find that, for me, time and experience has tempered my own ideals. After my first birth, I mourned the loss of the "perfect birth" that I'd wanted. I was determined to have another child to rectify the mistakes. For sure, I had a great birth ... but a very sick second child. Lost a third pregnancy. The fourth, the last ... I was just determined to have a full term, healthy child. And NOTHING about the end of my pregnancy or the birth of my daughter went "right." It was a complete nightmare situation. But we're both still alive.
You want to talk about 45 minutes before seeing your baby? My first son I got to hold after an hour and then he went to the transition nursery for the next 12. My second son, I didn't get to hold until he was nearly a week old. My daughter I saw for a breath of a second and then not again for nearly two days. I didn't get to touch or hold her until she was 8 days old. I didn't get to see her face until that day, either.
It's not a competition, it's not a war. It's not who has had the worst time, who has the best experience. Everyone is entitled to their feelings, whatever they may be.
If it's not a competition, why include the line about "you want to talk 45 minutes before seeing your baby?" That screams to me "you think your birth experience is bad? Mine's even worse!" which belittles people's feelings about their experience.
I don't know why I opened this post because from where I'm sitting, nothing pisses me off more than this.
Perhaps "get over it" and "move on" aren't the most sensitive statements but I do think there is a huge issue with seeing the forest for the trees.
Yes your birth experience might not have been what you had hoped. It might have been horrible.
But at the end of the day you are sitting at home with your baby.
I rarely play the "be thankful for what you have because there are some who would kill to be where you are" card but in this case...
"It's a child, not a cheeto" Thanks mmariluh!
"Ew. I've read all of two posts from you, and you stink like rotting garbage."
Mandy, I don't normally disagree with you, but in this instance I do. It is never ok to tell someone their feelings are invalid and they should just be grateful. Every feeling that someone has is valid, I would never tell someone to just suck it up and get over it.
Agreed. I don't think there is anything wrong with being sad that I can't remember most of my childs birthday due to a massive hemorrhage, likely due to way too much pitocin. I don't remember holding her for the first time or any of the time we did (or more likely didn't) spend together that day. This doesn't make me any less thankful that I have her in my life.
I know I'm late to the game, but my birth experience was not ideal. Ultimately, I have a healthy son, but that doesn't make my feelings any less valid.
I am most likely "one and done," so I won't get a do-over.
I'm just grateful my H was there to hold E (right after he was born) when I couldn't due to the medically necessary emergency c-section. That was the one thing I was really looking forward to in the entire birthing process - aside from meeting a healthy baby boy.
no, you missed my point. there is always going to be someone with a "worse" birth story.
I am fine with my birth experience, but when my babies were horribly colicky and I would come here to vent and people would say that they couldn't handle someone coming here to vent about a fussy baby...this reminds me of that.
Did you ever stop to think that MAYBE grieving their birth experience is their way to "move on"? That MAYBE they need to come to terms with what happened, be angry about it, cry about it, whatever, so that they can look forward & "get over it"?
I don't like you. At all.
Did you ever stop to think that MAYBE you should read the entire thread?
You're a little slow on the uptake, sweetie.
I have read the entire thread.
I still don't like you.
What a forgiving spirit you have.
I'm sorry, Mandy, I usually agree with you, but I have to agree with them on this.
Feelings about a less-than-ideal birth aren't any less valid just because there are women who would give anything to be pregnant/giving birth.
What a hard head you have.