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August 2011 Moms
mama livingston
member
So Upset right now....Not getting a nursery
mama livingston
member
So my husband and I have been helping out a young girl (18) from our church by letting her live with us for the past few months. She has been having family problems so we decided we'd let her stay with us. Well last night we asked her how things were going because she's been going over there a lot lately and spending a lot of time with them saying that things were really good between them now. She even showed us a pair of sneakers her mom got for her (which were really nice and ovcioously expensive). I asked her what her plans were and she said she wanted to say with us because she likes having her freedom.
Well I feel like that's not the point of living with us, it was just supposed to be a temporary solution until things got better with her family. So I was talking to dh this morning about talking to her about leaving by mid June (we are leaving for our babymoon next Saturday and then my sister and I are going on a sister's vacation after so I won't be back until June 16thish) so that we can get the room she is staying in turned into the nursery (we had already painted this room for the baby before this girl moved in). Well he went off on me telling me I don't know how to committ to anything and that I wasn't being a good Christian and that I don't know how to help people in need.....he yelled at me pretty bad and now I can't stop crying. I just went yesterday and finished the registries b/c my first baby shower is in 3 weeks and registered for the last of the things we would need for the nursery and now I'm not getting one.
Is he right? Am I a terrible person? All I wanted was a cute nusery for our baby even if she would be sleeping with us for the first 6 months or so....I can't stop crying, and he has just been sitting at his computer not even caring. Why am I not important?
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Re: So Upset right now....Not getting a nursery
I don't think you did anything wrong. I think that giving this girl a month's notice is fair. I don't think its fair to you that she doesn't seem to realize that you have a baby on the way and will need that bedroom for a nursery. You will definitely need the space once baby gets here and I would think you would want to enjoy just having your little family in your home. Is there anyone else in your church who can help her out by providing a place to stay starting in June?
Also, does this girl have a job? If she's 18 I would assume she's either done with HS or graduating this year. Either way, she's old enough to have a job and thereby think about supporting herself in some fashion. That might seem harsh, but it's the truth for plenty of young people out there (including myself).
ug wow. talk about overstaying your welcome.
1st of all YOU were doing a favor to HER. A HUGE favor. you & DH have a baby on the way..... its trying enough and stressful enough to have a newborn in the house never mind w/ a random 18 year old girl there.
since you guys are doing her a favor I do NOT feel like it should be putting you out anymore then it already is. Could you maybe have her sleep on an air mattress in your living room? Maybe that will even make her want to move out again
You were nice to let her stay and now it doesn't work best for your family so she needs to find somewhere else to go, or go home. That is not being a bad Christian. Your husband needs to show more care to you than for trying to look like a good Christian.
Hugs!
Sorry, "I like my freedom" is not "having family problems." Furthermore, your DH needs to re-think his judgement. The judgment that he passed on you is not being a good Christian. You've done what you could do for this girl. Now, she needs to do for herself. If she wants her freedom then she can get a job and move out on her own. You are not obligated by anything, not even God, to continue to provide for this girl.
If you want to really help her, you can help her transition out of your house by allowing her to stay until she can stand on her own. If it were me, she'd be going home. Immediately.
My thought exactly!
I may be alone in my thoughts here, and I'm in no way passing judgement on you, your DH, or the situation. I'm in a similar boat (with my brother living with us) and BIL taking advantage of FIL in the same way, so I'm siding with you on this one.
My question is, why would your husband choose to pick an 18 year old, clearly taking advantage of the situation, over his wife and new baby-to-be? I would be questioning his possible feelings for her and the reason he seemingly blew up at you. It sounds like you brought the situation and your feelings to him maturely and without being confrontational, and he snaps? Something's not adding up. And to throw "being a good Christian" on top of all of that sounds like guilt issue to me.
I could be WAY off, since I don't know you or your H, but it sounds fishy to me.
Just sayin'.......it's YOUR home and it's YOUR new baby's room.
I was thinking the same thing.
This is exactly what I was thought when I read the original post. It doesn't make sense that he would cast aside your feelings immediately so that an 18 can stay there.... I obviously don't know you or your H either, but something scares me about that situation.
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I think the air mattress idea is PERFECT. You can continue to HELP her, but make it a little less than totally comfortable for her. It will motivate her to re-evaluate (especially because it doesn't sound like she is in any danger at home, but sounds like she likes living "on her own" ...mind you, on someone elses dime...). And btw you are COMMITING to something... to raising the child you are having together in your home...sounds like maybe your DH is having trouble figuring out what his priorities are...
1. You are about to have a baby.
2. You want the space for your child.
3. You are about to be out of town & who knows what she will do while you're gone.
4. She is overstaying her welcome.
5. She has somewhere else to go.
6. She is an adult and needs to move out anyway!
7. She is causing problems between you & your husband.
8. Your husband is choosing some 18 year old girl's happiness over your own. UNACCEPTABLE.
Point blank, I would tell this girl she needs to get out. This girl is taking advantage of you. She does not need a place to stay, she just wants to freeload without having to deal with her family. As someone who has been on their own since 14, she frankly makes me a little sick.
OP, I'm sorry this is happening. It sounds like you and H need to sit down and calmly discuss the parameters to your house guest staying with you -- what exactly does 'temporary' mean to you guys? If this is going to become long term, are you going to ask her to pay rent? Once you get on the same page you need to discuss it with her and establish some boundaries. She's not going to decide to leave on her own if you guys are letting her free load.
That's what I'm thinking... As easy as it is on the bump boards to call foul on DH over things that seem a little sketchy (see: the DH that went missing a few pages back), my first question is how the conversation was broached. If OP stormed in all pissed off pitching a fit over "a sweet little nursery" for her baby without communicating her needs that are there that are deeper than surface level (providing a safe, secure environment for their baby, for example), it wouldn't surprise me if her DH responded in anger -- especially if the teenage girl has huge needs that go deeper than having a crib and pretty curtains. If she was being aggressive, it would be human nature for him to be defensive even if he might agree with her.
It's fishy to me too, but the devil is in the details -- we don't know how she communicated to her H, only how he responded.
I'm sorry ::hug::
I understand the being a good Christian thing, but from what you are telling us, it sounds like that girl doesn't NEED to stay with you anymore. In fact, the whole "wanting her freedom" yet her mom getting expensive things makes it look to me like she's just trying to turn the situation to her advantage.
Also, I think you will need it to be just the 3 of you for the first few weeks - no matter where the baby sleeps.
I am just thinking out loud here, but do you think maybe you could get your minister to talk to your husband? Maybe if it came from someone from church, he'd be more receptive? Or if that girl is going to stay with you, maybe make sure she understands she's expected to help out - including night time feedings. That way, you'll either have an extra set of hands to help OR you'll scare her and she'll go back to her parents (one can always hope!)
I agree with the PPs. I also think that it was very wrong of your DH to call you a bad Christian, and I don't feel that he is being a "good Christian" by yelling at you about this. I dislike when people use religion in their own favor in this sort of way.
It would be a cold day in hell before I would let DH choose some 18 year old before myself and our baby. He married you and together you made a baby. This random 18 year old does not fit the equation. Wether its christian-like or not.
Completely ignoring the fact that you want to turn the room the girl is staying in into a nursery I think it's time for her to go. My parents are foster parents and have had many people of all ages (some foster, some just needing help) stay with us in our house. (A lot of my dad's friends are dead beats and end up needing some where to stay for a while). But it always reaches a point where they over stay their welcome and it's no longer helping them to give them a free place to stay without consequences. What 18 year old would not love a house where they can stay rent/rule free? If it's not in the best interest of the girl to go home yet I would discuss at least starting some responsibilities with her at your house. For example, if she still shouldn't go home maybe talk to her about paying rent or setting up expectations for chores and such, just so it's not a free ride away from her parents and can help adjust her into true adult hood.
I agree with the other PPs that it may be the way you approached DH about the girl moving out, but I also agree that he should not have blown up on you like that... That was not the "Christian" thing to do. I think if you presented it to DH not necessarily that you want to make it a nursery, but more that you're looking out for the best interests of the girl that he may see it differently too and not see you as just a whiney pregnant chick.
I couldn't agree more. Stick up for yourself! You are married you should be partners in this and coming to a conclusion that works for both of you not what he decides is the rule. It makes me sick that he thinks he can just yell at you and tell you how it is and then you go and cry about it.
There is a solution to both issues.
Have the girl sleep on the couch or a futon in the living room area. She can put her things in a closet or in a corner somewhere since the stay is only supposed to be temporary anyway. Then...you have your nursery back.
That way she is not being kicked out, and your baby gets it's own space. No way would I allow a stranger to take over my baby's nursery. I know it may sound insensitive of me to say that, but seriously...it's not like she plans to live there for years on end!
thank you all for your support. I really appreciate knowing that I'm not being stupid here wanting my home back for our little family. Again, it would be totally different if this girl was still having major issues at home with her mom and what not, but the fact that she admitted to staying because she's enjoying her freedom just seems to be too much to me. It totally oversteps the initial point to having her here. At first her options were either moving in with us or move in with her boyfriend, but because of our religious beliefs we felt like should be supportive of her and her boyfriend trying to make the right decisions for themselves. But I just feel like if things are better for her at home, please let my family and I have our home back so we can get ready for our baby girl.
As far as how I approached my husband about the subject was just simply, "did you hear (girls name here) say that she wanted to stay here because she enjoys her freedom?" and I asked H what he thought about that and what that might mean for her in terms of moving out and back home. I have been complaining for weeks that it's not working out for me. Her and her boyfriend take our living room, our food and everything. They act like it's their home and they're the one's paying the bills, but they're not...she doesn't a dime to live here. So this is not new with me wanting her out, but especially when she said what she said, I was like okay...it's time to have this talk. But again, H is insisting on her staying. But serioulsy. where does being a good Christian end and taking care of your family to begin.
and just a side note, I trust my Hu completely. I know there's nothing funny going on there. His whole family is like this. I love them, but they all allow people to walk all over them all in the name of being good Christians. But I gotta say, I question where being a good Chrisian ends and taking care of your family begins. Shouldn't they go hand in hand? Our baby doesn't have a room! I don't want to have to be exiled to my room next year when it's time to feed the baby. Maybe I'm just being overly hormonal today. Anyway thank you all for making me feel less stupid about the situation. I'm glad to know there are other's other who would be thinking and feeling the same things I am right now.
I agree with pp's that you are not in the wrong for wanting the room and space for your new family.
Also wanted to add that I think encouraging her to move out and make amends with her family and/or become independent and go out on her own would be good for her. Being compassionate to someone in need is great, but when it gets to the point where they are taking advantage of the situation, it can be harmful for BOTH parties, IMO.
me too...he isnt being fair to you....let him read our posts lol
Whether he's messing around with her or not, you have a much bigger problem than not having the nursery of your choice. Your DH is not taking his parenthood responsibility seriously, and that is a HUGE problem.
I do not think that he is right at all. It sounds like things are better with her family, and that her living with you is just her way of "moving out". Of course she would want to stay with you.
Unless her situation at home is dangerous, then I think she should go home and work things out with her parents. You can't be expected to take her in forever. She is an adult.
DS#1- Born August 2011
me too, but i dont know your husband and its easy to read into things, but just a red flag gut feeling went off went I read the Original post
totally this. I hope you can have another conversation, and express yourself again and have your point of view heard and understood.
Good luck!
That was kind of what I was thinking too... why is he so intent on having her stay when it clearly upsets you so much? Of course, I don't know anything about the situation, that was just the first thing that came to mind.
I really appreciate you being such an awesome person to be willing to take this girl into your home. It is wonderful to have people like you out there. I am sure your willingness to help her may have kept her off the streets and the such. I also feel like she should know that you are having a baby soon and realize that the space she is in, is where you baby will be.
That being said, I would have a hard time 'asking' her to leave. If no boundaries were set up when she came. I would maybe sit down and ask her what her planz for the summer are. After your shower, I would start moving baby gear in the space where she is staying. Hopefully letting her know that she needs to make other arrangements.
I am a fairly NON-confrontational person, so this would be very hard for me!
Well, according to Paul, in 1 Timothy 5:8, "if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."So, Christian priority one is providing for your family: DH, yourself and LO.
As a Christian, I can very easily guilt myself into a difficult situation. If I have $30 in the bank for groceries, and my church or some other organization asks for money... there was a time I would've given that whole $30 to the church and gone hungry myself. That's not the life God has in store for us. You can do a lot more for others when your own home is secure and content than you will be able to do when your giving is putting your home in stress.
Were it not for this verse, this mentality, I feel like every Christian would be themselves living homeless on the street, because they'd be sending their whole paycheck to starving children in Africa (or whatever).
This AND this!
I am all for helping others; however, you have to take care of your family first.
You have already done a great thing by letting her live with you for a few months. She cannot stay with you forever. At this point, she needs to find alternate living arrangements whether you choose to have a nursery or not.
Depending on how you broached the subject, I could see it coming across as selfish in your dh's eyes. However, his reaction was totally uncalled for and un-Godly. Most Christians strive to live as close to godliness as possible, and I think you've both demonstrated that by opening your home to a stranger. God also helps those who help themselves, so it is not unreasonable to expect a legal adult to start doing so.
I would suggest that both of you go visit your minister together, especially since to h it is a religious matter. You could gain some insight about the other person's thoughts/feelings on the matter as well as objective Christian guidance on how to proceed.
Who knows... If she ends up staying until the baby is born, having a newborn around just might drive her to leave. There'll be new rules regarding what to do around baby, lots of visitors, nightfeeds, random screaming/crying--BIG changes a-comin'. LOL!