The Text I Sent DH

StrawberryAlarmClock · March 2011

If you read the "DH found an angry letter" post below, then you know DH left yesterday and didn't come home after finding a vent letter I thought I'd thrown away. I probably should have run this text by you guys for approval but I sent it at 6:30am when I got up with DS. WDYT: "Hi Bug, I don't know how much alone time you need but I'll just say this one thing then let you have your space. I am so very sorry you found that. You must be hurt beyond belief. I started writing to you but it quickly turned into an angry vent to just get everything out and I knew I'd never give it to you. When I'm upset, I write. I use angry, aggressive language just to relieve tension. Some people hit a punching bag or go for a run- it does the same thing for me. You weren't supposed to have to know all that just like you don't attack me with all my flaws. We've been doing so well- what a shitty time for that to turn up. I'm so happy and proud of you. Thats why I sent you that text a while ago. I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I love you so much and feel awful that I hurt you. " (sorry. Phone formatting)

yankeebaby2 · March 2011

It's a lot nicer than I would have spent had my H never come home last night.

I understand he found the letter and you feel guilty. But how does it make it okay that he didn't come home and didn't even call to see how the baby is?

Strawberry, I think you may enable him a little bit by taking so much on yourself. And I don't know you guys, I only know what I have read from your posts.

Have things really been better?

StrawberryAlarmClock · March 2011

Yankee, you're right. I totally enable him. That's actually what the letter was saying. I basically called him out on all his issues, not just being lazy around the house. I wrote that I used to be scared he'd leave me but now I'm not. I feel like a single mom with a bachelor roommate. Best case scenario, you'll mature and be a family man, worst case scenario you'll keep doing all these things but at someone else's house. It was ballsier than I've ever been so I know it came as a shock and he probably thinks I hate his guts. I'm just so so tired of trying to lead him gently into adulthood. We're not 20-something punk rockers anymore, we're parents. I grew up so I assumed he would to. Well he TOLD me he would too or I wouldn't have started a family with him.

wolverine8 · March 2011

I've been lurking over here for a few days and I've seen your posts. I'm sorry you have been having some issues with your DH and I understand why you're sharing it with a bunch of strangers for advice. However, if I were you and I truly was sorry and wanted to fix things I would be out looking for my DH and talking to him. Screw alone time. If you want to save your marriage you need to get off the TB and go do it. Just some tough love here. Good luck to you both.

yankeebaby2 · March 2011

Well I doubt you went buck wild with the low blows. You may think you were aggressive but you need to realize that your husband is not some delicate hot house lily that you need to pussyfoot around.

Women up and be strong and when he gets back tell him it's a new regime and that while you were never planning to give him th eletter, you are relieved he found it. Because some small part of you must know that is why you never threw it out.

Oh and tell him the next time he spends the night out he will find his clothes neatly packed for his move.

cutie420311 · March 2011

He just didn't come home? Where did he go? Dis he respondto your earlier text? Or this one? If he's actually changed his behaviors then ran away and didn't come home all night, I would be pissed

yankeebaby2 · March 2011

wolverine8:
I've been lurking over here for a few days and I've seen your posts. I'm sorry you have been having some issues with your DH and I understand why you're sharing it with a bunch of strangers for advice. However, if I were you and I truly was sorry and wanted to fix things I would be out looking for my DH and talking to him. Screw alone time. If you want to save your marriage you need to get off the TB and go do it. Just some tough love here. Good luck to you both.

We're not all strangers and some of us have known each other for 2 years and value each other's opinions.

And what shall she do when she finds him? Lasso him and bring him home?

DrinknDerive · March 2011

I'm going to agree with Yankee and roxstar here. He's an adult. He doesn't need to be babied. You can't spend your entire life biting your tongue. And if my husband didn't come home after a big fight, there is no way in hell he'd be getting an apologetic text.

ASmallWonder · March 2011

Not coming home without a phone call telling me that would NOT be ok. That just isn't something an adult with a family at home does unless going home makes them fear for their life. When he does come home you need to address how he reacts to things. Sure, he was hurt and that was understandable but IMO he shirked his responsibilities as a partner and a parent by vanishing.

teamsweet · March 2011

StrawberryAlarmClock:
Yankee, you're right. I totally enable him. That's actually what the letter was saying. I basically called him out on all his issues, not just being lazy around the house. I wrote that I used to be scared he'd leave me but now I'm not. I feel like a single mom with a bachelor roommate. Best case scenario, you'll mature and be a family man, worst case scenario you'll keep doing all these things but at someone else's house. It was ballsier than I've ever been so I know it came as a shock and he probably thinks I hate his guts. I'm just so so tired of trying to lead him gently into adulthood. We're not 20-something punk rockers anymore, we're parents. I grew up so I assumed he would to. Well he TOLD me he would too or I wouldn't have started a family with him.

Wait, that's what was in the letter? That's not a vent with "low blows"! That's just the truth. Low blows would be things like you're lazy and selfish and that's why you didn't X (get that job/promotion/school/etc). Or you're bad in bed. That's a pretty low blow.

But seriously, I think it was probably a great wake up call. And this sounds like it could be a good wake up call for you too. He read this letter and then LEAVES YOU AT HOME OVERNIGHT?!!! WTF? Where did he go? And did he tell ahead of time that he wasn't coming home? That's ridiculous - so he gets pissed and doesn't bother to think about his baby or wife? I'd be so pissed and not at all forgiving. Did he check in at all?

Please do not apologize to him. He acts like an emo-teenager and abandons his son (possibly without even telling you or contacting you - I don't know the details) and expects an apology. Gosh, I'm getting pissed just thinking about it. You sent him the text message - you've apologized. Now it's his turn for being a crappy husband and father.

broomy · March 2011

If it were me, and I woke up at 6:30 am and DH still weren't home, I would not have texted him an apology. My text would read: "Still not home? This is exactly what I meant by single mother with a bachelor roommate."

In my opinion, you are too forgiving of him. I've said it before - your husband reminds me of mine. Like how when you confront him about not stepping up, he turns it around into a woe-is-me pity party? Instead of paying attention to your message, he obsesses only with the "hateful" language used, your anger, the "attack"? DH tries to do that every. single. time. but I don't indulge it anymore.

I'm sorry you're going through this. But stop letting him ignore & detract from the real issues with the pity party bullshiit.

I hope he spent the night really thinking about what you said rather than feeling sorry for himself.

americanada · March 2011

just catching up on your posts...i'm so sorry that happened. what i'm hoping is that this opens the line of communication to make you stronger as a couple.

having said that, him not coming home last night w/o telling you is completely unacceptable. please keep updating and email/call me if you need to talk more.

Roxpup · March 2011

broomy:

If it were me, and I woke up at 6:30 am and DH still weren't home, I would not have texted him an apology. My text would read: "Still not home? This is exactly what I meant by single mother with a bachelor roommate."

This. I told my DH that I felt like a single mom when LO was like three months old. He never left, he was apologetic, I told him I wanted to apologies, I wanted him to change. And he did. He did not, however, take off for the night. F that.

StrawberryAlarmClock · March 2011

Yankee, DnD, Rox, Elmo, & Team: You guys are all so right. He always deals with fights by leaving. He has spent the night away from home without calling several times and I gave up fighting with him about it long before Dez was born. Ive reached a state of learned helplessness. isn't that where the dog knows he'll get shocked if he reaches for the treat or if he doesn't so he gives up on fighting altogether. He doesn't see his behavior is wrong because his friend's wives put up with it so he thinks I'm impossible to please and ask for too much. You're right that a lifetime of this is too much. I didn't go get him even though I know where he was. I had a good guess so I drove past with Dez in the car. I saw SH's car at his friend's and I know he got drunk and crashed there because that's how he deals with things. I didn't want to go in and talk to him in front of our friend's and with Dez. This is a conversation to have while Dez is asleep. I didn't even think to be mad for him splitting last night until you guys and my IRL friends pointed out how uncool it was. In fact, my BFF said "that's his way of dealing, you write letters. He should understand that." I keep thinking I'm at the end of my rope but I keep finding more rope. Some day I'll truly run out.

StrawberryAlarmClock · March 2011

cutie420311:
He just didn't come home? Where did he go? Dis he respondto your earlier text? Or this one? If he's actually changed his behaviors then ran away and didn't come home all night, I would be pissed

Nope. No response.

yankeebaby2 · March 2011

StrawberryAlarmClock:
cutie420311:
He just didn't come home? Where did he go? Dis he respondto your earlier text? Or this one? If he's actually changed his behaviors then ran away and didn't come home all night, I would be pissed
Nope. No response.

What kind of a support system do you have? Family and friends wise? If he's not in counseling I think it may be time for you to move on. I'm telling you because you get what you put in to your marriage but he's not putting anything in, just you are. And if at this stage of the game he hasn't gotten it, then he's probably not going to anytime soon.

cutie420311 · March 2011

StrawberryAlarmClock:
cutie420311:
He just didn't come home? Where did he go? Dis he respondto your earlier text? Or this one? If he's actually changed his behaviors then ran away and didn't come home all night, I would be pissed
Nope. No response.

I just know that even if I kn ew where he was, him shutting you out is childish and immature. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but it's not fair to continue to accept this kind of treatment

HoleyStory · March 2011

He is acting like a toddler. His way of dealing with the truth is going to his friend's house and getting drunk. That's real mature. He left and was mad because he knows that letter you wrote contained the truth. Stop letting him treat like he does. You are the only one who can end it.

HoleyStory · March 2011

yankeebaby2:
StrawberryAlarmClock:
cutie420311:
He just didn't come home? Where did he go? Dis he respondto your earlier text? Or this one? If he's actually changed his behaviors then ran away and didn't come home all night, I would be pissed
Nope. No response.
What kind of a support system do you have? Family and friends wise? If he's not in counseling I think it may be time for you to move on. I'm telling you because you get what you put in to your marriage but he's not putting anything in, just you are. And if at this stage of the game he hasn't gotten it, then he's probably not going to anytime soon.

Yes

HoleyStory · March 2011

Change the locks. That will definitely get his attention and show him you mean business. He is not willing to compromise or do anything to please you. That's what it sounds like to me. I am really sorry this is happening to you. Every woman deserves someone who will be there to help in time of need.

StrawberryAlarmClock · March 2011

HoleyStory:
Change the locks. That will definitely get his attention and show him you mean business. He is not willing to compromise or do anything to please you. That's what it sounds like to me. I am really sorry this is happening to you. Every woman deserves someone who will be there to help in time of need.

This is true. I feel like 9 times out of 10, he's the one creating my time of need.

StrawberryAlarmClock · March 2011

broomy:
If it were me, and I woke up at 6:30 am and DH still weren't home, I would not have texted him an apology. My text would read: "Still not home? This is exactly what I meant by single mother with a bachelor roommate."
In my opinion, you are too forgiving of him. I've said it before - your husband reminds me of mine. Like how when you confront him about not stepping up, he turns it around into a woe-is-me pity party? Instead of paying attention to your message, he obsesses only with the "hateful" language used, your anger, the "attack"? DH tries to do that every. single. time. but I don't indulge it anymore.
I'm sorry you're going through this. But stop letting him ignore & detract from the real issues with the pity party bullshiit.
I hope he spent the night really thinking about what you said rather than feeling sorry for himself.

Ugh I'm sure he spent the night thinking I hate him and it's over because that's far easier to say than "what do I need to do right now to save this marriage and how can I be the man my family needs?" More than likely halfway through a bottle of rum he decided "fvck it, bachelorhood is easier and more appealing"

StrawberryAlarmClock · March 2011

yankeebaby2:
StrawberryAlarmClock:
cutie420311:
He just didn't come home? Where did he go? Dis he respondto your earlier text? Or this one? If he's actually changed his behaviors then ran away and didn't come home all night, I would be pissed
Nope. No response.
What kind of a support system do you have? Family and friends wise? If he's not in counseling I think it may be time for you to move on. I'm telling you because you get what you put in to your marriage but he's not putting anything in, just you are. And if at this stage of the game he hasn't gotten it, then he's probably not going to anytime soon.

In town, just family. Friends are just phone calls away but not local. I do think it's time to do counseling. He doesn't think counseling works but at least it will bs a neutral place to get it all out- him, too. I'm sure there are things I can do better. I'm far from perfect.

yankeebaby2 · March 2011

gah, you're doing it again! Of course you're not perfect, neither am I, neither is anyone. But this is about him now, not you, and that's his manipulation tool. When he turns it on you picture it on the same level as a baby tantrum. Because that is the equivalent.

NewMommy423 · March 2011

Are you not so emotinally exhausted?

I have to echo the sentiment that you seem to enable this behavior. Bailing and getting drunk with friends is what I used to do when I got in a fight with my college boyfriend. If my H ever did this, I'd have the locks changed and set his packed bag out on the porch. Seriously.

Are you all in counseling? If not, I'd offer that to him as a last attempt, otherwise I would move out, or make arrangements for him to move out, and give him some time for some well needed introspection.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Whether or not he acts like your partner, he is your partner, so I would start treating him as so and not like your second son.

StrawberryAlarmClock · March 2011

yankeebaby2:
gah, you're doing it again! Of course you're not perfect, neither am I, neither is anyone. But this is about him now, not you, and that's his manipulation tool. When he turns it on you picture it on the same level as a baby tantrum. Because that is the equivalent.

Could you please hold your right finger out the window, I'll hold mine out and on the count of three let me channel your strength. Just for today? I need it.

yankeebaby2 · March 2011

StrawberryAlarmClock:
yankeebaby2:
gah, you're doing it again! Of course you're not perfect, neither am I, neither is anyone. But this is about him now, not you, and that's his manipulation tool. When he turns it on you picture it on the same level as a baby tantrum. Because that is the equivalent.
Could you please hold your right finger out the window, I'll hold mine out and on the count of three let me channel your strength. Just for today? I need it.

One, two, three, Done! And I know it's easier said than done but I'm not bluffing, this is what I would do. So who can you hang out with today? If he goes home, let him see you're not mourning his absence. Focus on yourself and your baby because he is draining energy from you that you can put to better use.

AbJams · March 2011

I never ever say this in response to DH vent posts, because I know that things are never as cut and dried as they seem in a post... but seriously... staying away all night without so much a phone call is not even remotely acceptable behavior for a spouse and parent, unless there is a threat of violence should they return. By doing that, he basically proved you right. If I were in your shoes DH would come home to find me and LO at my parents' house, until he is ready to go to marriage counselling and get real about his responsibilities.

StrawberryAlarmClock · March 2011

NewMommy423:
Are you not so emotinally exhausted?

I have to echo the sentiment that you seem to enable this behavior. Bailing and getting drunk with friends is what I used to do when I got in a fight with my college boyfriend. If my H ever did this, I'd have the locks changed and set his packed bag out on the porch. Seriously.

Are you all in counseling? If not, I'd offer that to him as a last attempt, otherwise I would move out, or make arrangements for him to move out, and give him some time for some well needed introspection.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Whether or not he acts like your partner, he is your partner, so I would start treating him as so and not like your second son.

Yes I am. Completely. I have to make myself smile. This is why TB is good for me. Some of the things you guys point out, he had me convinced were perfectly normal. I didn't even think to be mad about the not coming home. I 100% expected/predicted it. It's his M. O. We are not in counseling. We tried it before and the counselor told him he doesn't have a drinking problem. I wanted to ask to see her credentials. If sneaking out to buy rum after your famil is in bed, drinking red bull so you have the energy to stay up and get drunk, hiding liquor from your wife, lying about it and getting wasted with your buddies every Wednesday night is NOT alcoholism, shoo, then I guess I've neve met an alcoholic. So ever since then, he's thought counseling is useless because even he admits he's an alcoholic.

yankeebaby2 · March 2011

Strawberry, check into Al Anon. Will he even consider AA?

StrawberryAlarmClock · March 2011

yankeebaby2:
StrawberryAlarmClock:
yankeebaby2:
gah, you're doing it again! Of course you're not perfect, neither am I, neither is anyone. But this is about him now, not you, and that's his manipulation tool. When he turns it on you picture it on the same level as a baby tantrum. Because that is the equivalent.
Could you please hold your right finger out the window, I'll hold mine out and on the count of three let me channel your strength. Just for today? I need it.
One, two, three, Done! And I know it's easier said than done but I'm not bluffing, this is what I would do. So who can you hang out with today? If he goes home, let him see you're not mourning his absence. Focus on yourself and your baby because he is draining energy from you that you can put to better use.

After DS gets up, we're heading to the Jewish Food Festival. We were out this morning getting Bday stuff. I wasn't sure about not being home when he got home. I didn't know if that would perpetuate the "when times get tough, we avoid each other" issue. We are definitely going back out at least long enough to soak up what's left of this beautiful day.ETA: Thanks for the channeling! I'll put it to good use!

StrawberryAlarmClock · March 2011

yankeebaby2:
Strawberry, check into Al Anon. Will he even consider AA?

Went to one Al-Anon, on your advice if you remember. I liked it but it's so late in the evening that it's in the way of DS's bedtime. If it were after he was down, that would be OK but it's right at the time we start our routine. I could make it work though. As for AA, he's atheist so he won't consider something even remotely religious and won't go for the "appeal to whoever is your higher power even if that's you, yourself" interpretation.

Brytany09 · March 2011

StrawberryAlarmClock:
Yankee, DnD, Rox, Elmo, & Team: You guys are all so right. He always deals with fights by leaving. He has spent the night away from home without calling several times and I gave up fighting with him about it long before Dez was born. Ive reached a state of learned helplessness. isn't that where the dog knows he'll get shocked if he reaches for the treat or if he doesn't so he gives up on fighting altogether. He doesn't see his behavior is wrong because his friend's wives put up with it so he thinks I'm impossible to please and ask for too much. You're right that a lifetime of this is too much. I didn't go get him even though I know where he was. I had a good guess so I drove past with Dez in the car. I saw SH's car at his friend's and I know he got drunk and crashed there because that's how he deals with things. I didn't want to go in and talk to him in front of our friend's and with Dez. This is a conversation to have while Dez is asleep. I didn't even think to be mad for him splitting last night until you guys and my IRL friends pointed out how uncool it was. In fact, my BFF said "that's his way of dealing, you write letters. He should understand that." I keep thinking I'm at the end of my rope but I keep finding more rope. Some day I'll truly run out.

You just summed up my marriage. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this, because I know what it's like. I wish I could give you advice not to enable him, and to not let him get away with bs like this, but if I did, I would be a hypocrite. I completely understand the rope comment, I feel the same way every time something happens. That this is truly the last time I will put up with it. But I always end up giving him more chances.

I truly wish I could help. I'm so sorry. Please know that you can PM me anytime you want, if you want to talk about this more.

StrawberryAlarmClock · March 2011

Brytany09:
StrawberryAlarmClock:
Yankee, DnD, Rox, Elmo, & Team: You guys are all so right. He always deals with fights by leaving. He has spent the night away from home without calling several times and I gave up fighting with him about it long before Dez was born. Ive reached a state of learned helplessness. isn't that where the dog knows he'll get shocked if he reaches for the treat or if he doesn't so he gives up on fighting altogether. He doesn't see his behavior is wrong because his friend's wives put up with it so he thinks I'm impossible to please and ask for too much. You're right that a lifetime of this is too much. I didn't go get him even though I know where he was. I had a good guess so I drove past with Dez in the car. I saw SH's car at his friend's and I know he got drunk and crashed there because that's how he deals with things. I didn't want to go in and talk to him in front of our friend's and with Dez. This is a conversation to have while Dez is asleep. I didn't even think to be mad for him splitting last night until you guys and my IRL friends pointed out how uncool it was. In fact, my BFF said "that's his way of dealing, you write letters. He should understand that." I keep thinking I'm at the end of my rope but I keep finding more rope. Some day I'll truly run out.
You just summed up my marriage. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this, because I know what it's like. I wish I could give you advice not to enable him, and to not let him get away with bs like this, but if I did, I would be a hypocrite. I completely understand the rope comment, I feel the same way every time something happens. That this is truly the last time I will put up with it. But I always end up giving him more chances.
I truly wish I could help. I'm so sorry. Please know that you can PM me anytime you want, if you want to talk about this more.

Thanks so much, Brytany. Do you ever feel like if your friends told you the same story, you'd tell them to kick him out but you just can't take your own advice? Why is that? ::sigh::

waysidemommy · March 2011

StrawberryAlarmClock:
NewMommy423:

Are you not so emotinally exhausted?

I have to echo the sentiment that you seem to enable this behavior. Bailing and getting drunk with friends is what I used to do when I got in a fight with my college boyfriend. If my H ever did this, I'd have the locks changed and set his packed bag out on the porch. Seriously.

Are you all in counseling? If not, I'd offer that to him as a last attempt, otherwise I would move out, or make arrangements for him to move out, and give him some time for some well needed introspection.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Whether or not he acts like your partner, he is your partner, so I would start treating him as so and not like your second son.

Yes I am. Completely. I have to make myself smile. This is why TB is good for me. Some of the things you guys point out, he had me convinced were perfectly normal. I didn't even think to be mad about the not coming home. I 100% expected/predicted it. It's his M. O. We are not in counseling. We tried it before and the counselor told him he doesn't have a drinking problem. I wanted to ask to see her credentials. If sneaking out to buy rum after your famil is in bed, drinking red bull so you have the energy to stay up and get drunk, hiding liquor from your wife, lying about it and getting wasted with your buddies every Wednesday night is NOT alcoholism, shoo, then I guess I've neve met an alcoholic. So ever since then, he's thought counseling is useless because even he admits he's an alcoholic.

Lurking from 6-9, I'm in the same boat minus the alcohol & DH leaving. We try to "talk it out" but it becomes more of a hassel & turns into a defensive "game up on H" in his words. I hope you ladies get through it, just know you aren't alone

Brytany09 · March 2011

StrawberryAlarmClock:
Brytany09:
StrawberryAlarmClock:
Yankee, DnD, Rox, Elmo, & Team: You guys are all so right. He always deals with fights by leaving. He has spent the night away from home without calling several times and I gave up fighting with him about it long before Dez was born. Ive reached a state of learned helplessness. isn't that where the dog knows he'll get shocked if he reaches for the treat or if he doesn't so he gives up on fighting altogether. He doesn't see his behavior is wrong because his friend's wives put up with it so he thinks I'm impossible to please and ask for too much. You're right that a lifetime of this is too much. I didn't go get him even though I know where he was. I had a good guess so I drove past with Dez in the car. I saw SH's car at his friend's and I know he got drunk and crashed there because that's how he deals with things. I didn't want to go in and talk to him in front of our friend's and with Dez. This is a conversation to have while Dez is asleep. I didn't even think to be mad for him splitting last night until you guys and my IRL friends pointed out how uncool it was. In fact, my BFF said "that's his way of dealing, you write letters. He should understand that." I keep thinking I'm at the end of my rope but I keep finding more rope. Some day I'll truly run out.
You just summed up my marriage. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this, because I know what it's like. I wish I could give you advice not to enable him, and to not let him get away with bs like this, but if I did, I would be a hypocrite. I completely understand the rope comment, I feel the same way every time something happens. That this is truly the last time I will put up with it. But I always end up giving him more chances.
I truly wish I could help. I'm so sorry. Please know that you can PM me anytime you want, if you want to talk about this more.
Thanks so much, Brytany. Do you ever feel like if your friends told you the same story, you'd tell them to kick him out but you just can't take your own advice? Why is that? ::sigh::

Absolutely. I have a friend going through this, and I did tell her to kick him out. She's just like me though, and gave him "one more chance". They've been married for 10 years, and the last chances just keep happening. I'm scared that's going to be me in a few years. It's easy to see what would be good for us to do, it's hard to go through with it. **Hugs** I hope you find an answer that everyone is happy with. We are currently in marriage counseling, and he's starting addiction counseling. I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking it's okay for people to treat their spouse the way he treats me, and that's the hardest part for me. I love DH so much, but I want so much more for Lia. If she ever gets in this situation, I have no idea how i would handle it, knowing that I gave her that example.

I told DH all of that last night, and I think it really sunk it. I asked him what he would do if Lia was in my place. He said he would tell her to get out of the relationship if the guy didn't shape up fast. I hope that hit home for him.

StrawberryAlarmClock · March 2011

Brytany09:
StrawberryAlarmClock:
Brytany09:
StrawberryAlarmClock:
Yankee, DnD, Rox, Elmo, & Team: You guys are all so right. He always deals with fights by leaving. He has spent the night away from home without calling several times and I gave up fighting with him about it long before Dez was born. Ive reached a state of learned helplessness. isn't that where the dog knows he'll get shocked if he reaches for the treat or if he doesn't so he gives up on fighting altogether. He doesn't see his behavior is wrong because his friend's wives put up with it so he thinks I'm impossible to please and ask for too much. You're right that a lifetime of this is too much. I didn't go get him even though I know where he was. I had a good guess so I drove past with Dez in the car. I saw SH's car at his friend's and I know he got drunk and crashed there because that's how he deals with things. I didn't want to go in and talk to him in front of our friend's and with Dez. This is a conversation to have while Dez is asleep. I didn't even think to be mad for him splitting last night until you guys and my IRL friends pointed out how uncool it was. In fact, my BFF said "that's his way of dealing, you write letters. He should understand that." I keep thinking I'm at the end of my rope but I keep finding more rope. Some day I'll truly run out.
You just summed up my marriage. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this, because I know what it's like. I wish I could give you advice not to enable him, and to not let him get away with bs like this, but if I did, I would be a hypocrite. I completely understand the rope comment, I feel the same way every time something happens. That this is truly the last time I will put up with it. But I always end up giving him more chances.
I truly wish I could help. I'm so sorry. Please know that you can PM me anytime you want, if you want to talk about this more.
Thanks so much, Brytany. Do you ever feel like if your friends told you the same story, you'd tell them to kick him out but you just can't take your own advice? Why is that? ::sigh::
Absolutely. I have a friend going through this, and I did tell her to kick him out. She's just like me though, and gave him "one more chance". They've been married for 10 years, and the last chances just keep happening. I'm scared that's going to be me in a few years. It's easy to see what would be good for us to do, it's hard to go through with it. **Hugs** I hope you find an answer that everyone is happy with. We are currently in marriage counseling, and he's starting addiction counseling. I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking it's okay for people to treat their spouse the way he treats me, and that's the hardest part for me. I love DH so much, but I want so much more for Lia. If she ever gets in this situation, I have no idea how i would handle it, knowing that I gave her that example.
I told DH all of that last night, and I think it really sunk it. I asked him what he would do if Lia was in my place. He said he would tell her to get out of the relationship if the guy didn't shape up fast. I hope that hit home for him.

that's awesome that you asked him that and I hope his reply did hit home. GL to you, too! Thanks!

sleepingbeauty825 · March 2011

SAC, I was going to say that it was worded really well until the girls brought up such good points. I wonder if you would be happier without him? I think you would, at this point.

americanada · March 2011

do you think you keep giving him more chances out of fear of what would happen to you and dez if you split? of the perception of you being separated/divorced? i know it's easy for people (esp. e-friends) to tell you to leave, but i know it's not that simple. i always used to say 'do it until you just can't do it anymore'. you'll know when the time is right and when you are ready. it's scary to think about a major change like that, but i'm sure you've also considered the alternative (the change being the best thing for you and dez and you being a happier person in the long run).

b/c of my own life experience, i've learned that when things seem really crappy, there's always happiness on the other side of that. and something much better. if counseling isn't an option, you will have to do some serious soul searching and decide what you want for your life and for dez's. i know it's hard to believe now, but when you're in a toxic situation and you get out of that, you feel so 'free'. if one partner doesn't want to work on the marriage, they are breaking a vow. breaking vows are grounds for divorce, in my book. especially when they are hurting your family. you are such a positive person and i know you want dez to be raised in a positive environment. dh needs help, but you need to take care of you too. big hugs.

BelleIsa · March 2011

yankeebaby2:
Well I doubt you went buck wild with the low blows. You may think you were aggressive but you need to realize that your husband is not some delicate hot house lily that you need to pussyfoot around.
Women up and be strong and when he gets back tell him it's a new regime and that while you were never planning to give him th eletter, you are relieved he found it. Because some small part of you must know that is why you never threw it out.
Oh and tell him the next time he spends the night out he will find his clothes neatly packed for his move.

Agree with this - esp. the part I put in bold. Seriously. Not coming home, no matter what the reason, is NEVER acceptable.

StrawberryAlarmClock · March 2011

sleepingbeauty825:
SAC, I was going to say that it was worded really well until the girls brought up such good points. I wonder if you would be happier without him? I think you would, at this point.

It's so very hard to accept, but a little part of me thinks you may be right. And that makes me extremely depressed. Sad

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