The Text I Sent DH

StrawberryAlarmClock

americanada:

do you think you keep giving him more chances out of fear of what would happen to you and dez if you split?  Yes and... of the perception of you being separated/divorced? yes. i know it's easy for people (esp. e-friends) to tell you to leave, but i know it's not that simple. i always used to say 'do it until you just can't do it anymore'. you'll know when the time is right and when you are ready. it's scary to think about a major change like that, but i'm sure you've also considered the alternative (the change being the best thing for you and dez and you being a happier person in the long run). I know. And the ironic thing is I always use this analogy with my students who are trying to break off a relationship: Think of it like a vaccine. It stings to get the shot but that's it - done. The alternative is dying slowly of some horrible disease. Why can't we take our own advice?

b/c of my own life experience, i've learned that when things seem really crappy, there's always happiness on the other side of that. and something much better. if counseling isn't an option, you will have to do some serious soul searching and decide what you want for your life and for dez's. i know it's hard to believe now, but when you're in a toxic situation and you get out of that, you feel so 'free'. if one partner doesn't want to work on the marriage, they are breaking a vow. This is an extremely good point. I never thought of that. breaking vows are grounds for divorce, in my book. especially when they are hurting your family. you are such a positive person and i know you want dez to be raised in a positive environment. dh needs help, but you need to take care of you too. big hugs.  Thanks so much. You make such good points. Is there a point when what you know to be right and what you can see yourself doing cross paths? That's where I need to be right now.

grapeape73

I agree with the PPs, except the part where Yankee would have his clothes neatly packed.  They would be a smoldering heap in our front yard.....

I have read the posts that you have written about your DH and his wackadoo family.  I know how hard it is to take that first step.  It sounds like you have tried, and tried, but if he isn't doing anything to help then you are beating your head against a wall.

You know that you are enabling him. You are too strong and smart to the be that housewife that stands in the kitchen wringing her dishtowel. 

You didn't say anything that wasn't competently true.  You might feel guilty about it, but that is no excuse for his behavior.   Don't let him turn this around on you. 

The kick in the ass I needed to leave my first husband was a friend asking if that was the role model I wanted for my son.  The simple answer was no.  I left that night.  

You need to do what is best for your son and you.  Maybe that will be the kick in the ass that he needs to grow up. 

americanada

maybe if he came home and you were no longer there, he'd 'get it'...maybe not the best advice, but tough love, sometimes. maybe he thinks you're sitting at home waiting for him to reappear, but little does he know, you've left too...

americanada

and then if/when he has the decency to contact you, you can say since he wasn't man enough to come home to his family, you figured he wasn't coming back, so you left.

i'll answer your fb msg at length in a bit...