You can claim a name? I know that in general you can't say "Thats my name don't use it" But (and answer honestly) can you ever expect people who are close to you not to touch a name?
Example: (And I'm not going to delve further) If there was a late term baby loss and the couple gave that child a name. Would it then be okay to expect those close to that couple not to use that name? (And the people considering using the name are well aware of the loss, the name's use, and the emotions behind it)
Also, the couple thinking of using the name has put enough thought into it that they've already sent an email unprovoked saying. "We like this name, hope you don' t mind, but you know you can't own a name"
Honest thoughts?
Re: So is there ever a situation in which
I definitely think you "can't own a name" but I would definitely not use a name that a close friend had used--especially something like the case of the late term loss.
A woman I work with found out she was pregnant with #7 shortly before DS was born and told me when he was 1 week old that if she had a boy, she was going to name him the same thing as DS.
We aren't necessarily close friends but we work together (small group of employees at a gym). I kind of rolled my eyes at the thought . . . and think that she would have seemed a little foolish announcing her baby's name to our staff less than a year after my DS was born. . . but she had a girl.
And my son's name is Leif so it's not exactly the most common name out there.
I think the email is pretty disrespectful, actually. I think the appropriate thing would be to ask the couple how they feel about it, if they are truly close to them.
Before I knew I was having a girl, we had like the name Timothy for a boy, which happened to be the name of one of my best friend's deceased father. I checked with her, and she really appreciated that I did.
I think it is weird of the other couple to send the email and to use the name in the first place, unless there is a good reason behind it.
DH lost his best friend in a car accident, and always planned to name any son we had after him. If anyone else had used the name, regardless of the situation, we would probably also still use it. I don't consider it claiming or owning a name, but I guess someone else might.
You assume your child is the only one named India. She's not.
Right I agree totally. Lets say that it is the close cousin to the couple who had the loss. I think its the email that gets me.
The email is rude, plain and simple but I have to say I'm not surprised. This person, in my opinion, likes to be a pita and lacks tact.
If you are a Jr, III, IV, IMO you are entitled to use the first name. DH is Joseph Richard III. We've always wanted and made it very known among our family that we would be naming a boy Joseph Richard. If would be really crappy, IMO, if one of DH's sisters had a boy before us and named him Joseph. I know they could also want to honor FIL or DH's grandfather, who are also Joseph Richard, but then use it as a middle name or get more creative. I fully believe we had claim to Joseph, no matter what. It never was an issue and I don't think DH's sisters ever would have used it anyways.
ETA: In that exact situation, yes, I think people close to them should consider the name of their deceased child off-limits. Absolutely, no exceptions.
I think the email was rude to basically say, "We're doing this and you might feel bad but we dont care". It would have been fine if they had sent an email saying "We wanted to let you know that we are naming our baby X. It's a beautiful name and one that has special meaning for all of us. We just wanted to let you know before anyone else."
FWIW, I have a sister who was born at 36 weeks and died right after birth and was named Elizabeth. I used the name for my own daughter 10 years later. My mom understood and was pleased that we loved the name so much.
I wonder if you and I are thinking of the same person. I would say does her name start with F? But that could be two thoughtless pains in the assses.
DH is a III and we always planned for DS to be a IV...and SIL said something once about "beating us to the name", which I thought was pretty crappy. But she didn't beat us, lol.
I consider a lot of names off limits and agree that it would be in the OP's situation. But I didn't even want to nick name DS "JJ" because one of my cousin's kids is a JJ and I think that would be confusing (especially for my grandma, who would have 2 great-grandsons called JJ.)
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That's who I'm thinking of - am I wrong? You know I've never been her biggest fan haha
No its the other F that ends with a T. Think terms you would use in church.
Ah, gotta. Still rude but actually, I'm still not really surprised. You seem to have a lot of those people :-p
1. I've never lost a late term baby, so I can't begin to relate to those feelings. I guess initially I think it's a little weird that they named the baby, I mean how late was the loss?
2. Depending on how close they were, out of respect I'd not use the name if I was aware of the situation. Personally, it'd be creepy to me knowing my kid shared the name with a baby who had a tragic death like that.
3. The email was disrespectful. It sounds childish and way too nonchalant for such a serious topic!
A few on each side. Except for you : )
Different because they used their own deceased child's name. I would never do that, just because I think children should have their own names, but everyone honor's life in their own way.
I can't think of a better way to say this, and I am not trying to make a joke of the situation, but it seems like a "too soon" situation (as in when people make a tasteless joke and say, too soon?). If the person just suffered this loss and is still mourning, I think it is very insensitive to name a child the same name, as it would be a constant reminder of the baby that passed.
I think in a situation where the baby passed a long time ago and the person is using the name as a means of honoring that person through the naming of a new baby, it is perfectly acceptable and nice. However, if someone is just recycling the name of a recently deceased baby, no, that is not OK. I also wouldn't respond to that e-mail, it is out of line and not the correct way to go about that situation.
If the parents of the deceased baby want to use the name again, then that is OK because it was the name they intended to use to begin with. I think using the name of a deceased adult is almost always appropriate.
interesting question. we lost our son, ethan, at 35 weeks old. he had a rare chromosome disorder and from 20 weeks on we knew the outcome would not be good. every time i hear that name, it takes my breath away, and i think about how old he would be, what milestone he would be reaching or just reached, etc.
i would say that no, it's not really fair to declare a name off limits, but you would hope that your family and close friends would be considerate enough to not name their child the name of the baby you lost. i would be extremely hurt if someone in our family used that name. the person wanting to use the name might think its unfair that the name is considered off limits, but for the person who lost their baby, it can be very painful and a daily reminder (not that we do not have enough reminders of our loss).
This exactly.
I do agree that email isn't a the best way to address it unless that is typically how they communicate with each other.
::hugs:: mama. Ethan is a beautiful name, he must have been a beautiful boy.
Somebody correct me if I'm wrong, I *think* it's the Jewish faith that believes that it's bad luck to name a baby after a deceased person. So not always, though personally I agree with you because it's a way to honor someone.
thanks. our little liam joseph was born 6 weeks ago...he's our rainbow baby and helped fill the crack in my heart somewhat
i reread your post, and the email was incrediably rude. the more i think about this, the more angry i would be at them. if this was my cousin, brother, sister-in-law, best friends, etc., and they sent me that email, i would explain how much hearing that name, seeing it on first birthday invites, etc., would hurt. honestly, it would hurt my heart each time. i am not kidding when i say it takes my breath away. and while i think my husband and i are healing well, i dont think that feeling will ever go away. my relationship with that person would drastically change. i hope you or someone you know doesn't have to explain to someone else why they should not use that name, but i would just so you feel better about letting them know ahead of time. if they still choose it, you know where you stand with them.
I didn't even see this until now. And I'm not going to justify why I named my dead baby. She deserved a named even if thats all I could give her. And when we talk about it, its nice to say "when we list Elisabeth" Not "the baby". Maybe I'm weird.
You're not weird at all, and those people are complete jerkfaces and I can't believe they would send such an insensitive email. It wasn't even, "we're considering this, how do you feel about it, etc." they basically are telling you to just deal with it?
I would most definitely be angry. Not necessarily that they're using the name, but that they're being so insensitive about it.
Yes exactly. I know I can't reserve the name. Its a lot harder for Phill than it is for me. But to just email some and be like, "We like it, we're taking it, so sad too bad" Well that kinda sits with me wierd. Oh and we didn't email back. Its not worth the fight. Cause I kinda want to say "Its a beautiful name isn't it? It would have been an honor to have you use it if you hadn't just told us that our feelings don't matter...now I just think you suck"
I think that is exactly what you should say.