- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
September 2011 Moms
can I please vent?
I have to get something off my chest before I freak out about it or do something rude..
I have a friend. Let's say her name is Suzie. We went to high school together and our husbands were roommates together and I grew up going to church with them.
Last march, my dh proposed to me and Suzie was somewhat jealous because her and her bf had been dating a little longer than we had. (But dh and i saw each other every single day while we were dating and have known each other a very long time) She somewhat pressured her bf into proposing in July and at the time it felt like she was stealing my spotlight. (I know it sounds really selfish, but I was just so excited that I was the one engaged, for the first time in my life I had felt super special) My wedding was set for November and hers was set for April.
Then at my bachelorette party in October, she continuously kept talking about her wedding and how she was engaged and wanted to move her wedding up to February. (that's cool and all, but could you have talked about it when it wasn't one of my special days?) THEN, after I get married in November, they decide they're going to have an elopement ceremony on January 1, 2011 at 1:11 p.m.... originally at the court house, but moved to a train station outside where everyone had to freeze. Then she had a reception (about 20-30 people)... and are still having their wedding in April, even though they already got married. She even wants a bridal shower and bachelorette party. I began to be a little frustrated with everything and they had wanted donations for their venue that they used to elope.. I thought it was ridiculous because they got the location for free...
SO, now they are married and living at her parents' house and the husband of Suzie used to be my dh's roommate and still has his stuff in the room and the garage (which I'd like out so I can start getting everything ready for baby)... and they are still planning a grandeur wedding in April..
As if that wasn't enough for me to be frustrated about, she announces to me this weekend that she is pregnant!! After having told me they were waiting a year and me feeling special for the FIRST time that I'd be the only pregnant one.. she drops the bomb on me. (the whole time, it's been "Amanda and Suzie are engaged"... "Amanda and Suzie are getting married".... now it's going to be "Amanda and Suzie are having babies 6 weeks apart") I would be extremely happy for them if they hadn't eloped under the certain circumstances (very touch and immature) and if she were more mature in life. She thinks it's okay to just fart and burp in public and share people's personal stories at a bridal shower and talk about the time that so and so borrowed her car and did it with another girl in the backseat... around my parents... highly inappropriate considering my family and the morals we hold.
So sorry it was so long, but i really had to get that off my chest because I've been annoyed about it all week and I'm somewhat tired of having to be in the spotlight with her...
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: can I please vent?
I should also add, she claims to have nonchalantly had a miscarriage back in October... (she said to me at the time that she had a dream she was having a miscarriage and she was having cramping and bleeding that felt like it in the dream)... but never went to a doctor or anything. Wasn't even upset about it...
When I said I wanted to refrain from caffeine in my first trimester she said she had the miscarriage because she drank coke... little does she know that it's okay to have 200mg a day of caffeine.. so I'm pretty sure it wasn't that and she was just looking for a reason.
I'm highly tempted to just go my separate way because I am a completely different person than her right now. I only started being friends with her because I was with DH so much and her husband was DH's roommate. I absolutely love the other guy, but she just bugs me lately. DH had desparately wanted children right away and she was aware of that. Her and her dh had discussed that they weren't in the right place to start TTC and this was not what they had planned or intended for, especially since they know I've wanted to be pregnant for months!
She then told me that they weren't really preventing the first two weeks of their marriage, but decided to use protection or whatever after that, but her dates don't line up and I researched everything about fertility and conceiving and timelines... so that bugs me too. Oh well, I'm a bitter hag that still has to be in her wedding and take part in festivities only because she made me buy that stupid dress and the stupid heels that hurt my feet. She's pregnant and married for crying out loud, why must she have another wedding...
(Sorry, I have pent up feelings about all of it)
Alanis Racquel 9/11/11
OMG!!! I have a friend that's just like that in a way it's SO ANNOYING!
We also went to middle school and high school together and I swear she has copied everything I've ever done......I got a certain pair of shoes...she would get the same ones.....I got pet parakeets she got some too.....once we got older... my BF( now husband) and I bought a house, soon after she bought a house with her BF( now husband)...I got engaged then she did...and now I'm pregnant and she now tells me that she's trying to get pregnant now!
UGH I feel your pain hang in there!!!
Thank you. ^^ This made me feel 10x better already. I know I sound selfish, but we're really on 2 different paths right now and maybe we can eventually meet up again, but right now (or at least after her 2nd wedding), I should focus on my life, my baby, my family, and the people that love us.
Alanis Racquel 9/11/11
It should be all about you and baby right now! Let her live in her drama and you go live in the normal world!
BFP#1 07/01/2004 ~ EDD 03/10/2005 ~ D&C 8/1/2004 @ 5w5d
Hahahaha!! I just watched a clip.. and that is hilarious!
It fits, right?
I agree with the girls in that you don't need a friend like that. It's hard to let go at first and then you realize that you are so much better off without the drama and stress.
Good luck!
BFP#1 07/01/2004 ~ EDD 03/10/2005 ~ D&C 8/1/2004 @ 5w5d
While I do understand how annoying it can be when someone is always trying to keep pace with you or one-up you, etc. this sounds like a fairly common problem. I don't know your friend obviously, but are you sure she is doing all of this from a selfish place? I have a friend who wants so badly to be married, etc. so makes everything about her when something good happens to me but I just ignore it. Getting frustrated over someone elses jealous actions does you no good.
It sounds like this has gone on for so long that the competitive nature of your friendship overshadows any positivity....time to re-evaluate and step away.
You will probably come back to each other later in life.
Hmm.
I met my best friend in college. She introduced me to my now-husband about a year before I introduced her to her now-husband. A year after we all graduated college, they got engaged and MH popped the question only two months after. The following year, she got married in July and I got married in August. Then in the fall of 2010 we both started TTC, she got pregnant first, and my due date is 8 weeks behind hers.
I can't help but think these sound similar, besides the whole marraige/living with parents part. But I can say with complete 100% honesty that I did not get engaged, married, or pregnant to steal her spotlight. We both had graduated college, had full time jobs, and were in stable relationships and this was just the timing of things.
Have you considered that maybe she feels like she never got to be special? That she is frustrated that at the point in her life she was ready to get married that you beat her to it? (BTW, I don't think my friend or I ever felt like one was trying to steal the spotlight. We both got our seperate showers, bachelorette parties, and weddings.) So maybe she is the attention-whoring friend you are portraying her as, and if so, I'd slowly cut ties with her. I just wanted to maybe offer a different perspective.
Good luck!
Just another $.02, my MOH was my best friend for 14 years, practically my sister. We had our ups and downs but were untouchable. About a year ago she decided she no longer needed/wanted me in her life and suddenly deleted me from her life. When I asked her what happened I got a very bizarre and seemingly out-of-nowhere response which explained that for a long time she felt we had drifted apart and our friendship was no longer valuable to her. She even said that standing up for me at our wedding felt forced. If she felt that way, fine, she is entitled to her feelings. I'm not lying, it hurt and still does. BUT, I wish she had at least had enough respect NOT to stand up in my wedding when she didn't really want to. I feel stupid for giving her that honor and really wish she had bit the bullet and told me. Now I have all these wedding pictures with her and it is just a big waste and I will forever feel like a moron when I look at them. I think you should think very hard about not stepping down from the wedding party.
Just my opinion but maybe you never thought of that.
Also sorry about the big back-story but I wanted to relay that while you might be frustrated, she might not have ANY idea, and nobody should ever stand up in someone's wedding if they don't truly want to, out of respect for the bride/groom.
Imitation is the greatest form of flattery. However, I wouldn't flatter yourself too much. See my post above. Sometimes when you have friends who are your own age, things happen simultaneously or even back-to-back because that's just the way life goes. People grow up, buy a house and get married. Yes, the shoes and parakeet thing in middle school were her trying to be "cool like her friend," but I highly doubt her deciding to marry her husband and purchase a home was because of you?
Bahah. I gave this the side eye as well. WTF is that? You either elope (i.e. run off and get married alone) or you don't? I'm totally confused.
So you are upset that your friend got engaged during your own special engagement ... what should she have done, waited until after you got married so you wouldn't have to share the spotlight? It's your opinion that she pushed her DH into proposing, do you really know the details or are you just being judgy??
And you're annoyed at how she got married and is having a reception a few months later. This affects your life how?? You had your wedding, you did it your way, now it's her turn to do her thing.
You need to let these things go. What are you accomplishing by sitting her being mad about this stuff? If you don't want to be friends with her anymore, end the friendship. But you really need to let this other stuff go. You've vented now, take a deep breath, and move on.
And if your reaction to her pregnancy is truly to be upset with her and to be annoyed that you have to share the pregnancy spotlight with her, then what kind of friend does that make you??
ITA with you Nat. OP- While I understand you are frustrated with other aspects of your friendship, what you've shared with us sounds a lot like petty HS drama. If your friend really is trying to compete with you, so what? It doesn't affect your life. You still have your moment to "shine" or whatever (which sounds kind of immature IMO). Maybe she is jealous of you and feels the need to brag in order to feel like she is keeping up.
Honestly it sounds like you've already made your decision to move on and I think that would be the healthiest choice. I will never understand why women continue to be "friends" with each other when all they end up doing is talking complaining about the other one behind their backs. How is that a friendship you want to keep?
You shouldn't let her competitive nature make your life experiences feel any less special than what they are.
Your pregnancy is special and soon enough your baby will be here and he/she will be special--it doesn't matter if she has a baby too.
I have a friend who is just like that. My family and DH call her "single white female". For instance, DH & I got married 2 years before she did--but she had her wedding reception at the same place, played the SAME songs at the wedding and went to the same place on her honeymoon. It was so aggravating. But you know what they say...imitation is the best form of flattery.
OMG - I'm reading this and thinking, "Did I write that?" LOL - I had the nearly EXACT situation happen to me, and I no longer speak to this former "besfriend of 20+yrs." I discovered she was just super super jealous of me (for reasons I have no idea, b/c I always thought she had it all - gorgeous body never gained a pound, guys loving her, athletic, outgoing, and a continuous supply of $$$$ thanks to family).
The day of my marriage I decided that she was no longer worth being my friend, b/c it was NOT an equal relationship (I was doing all the giving, she was doing all the taking, and was still severely jealous, and it was very apparent to all of our friends). I stopped talking to her, just cut her out of my life completely, and I don't regret it. I wish her well, and hope she is happy in her life, but I've heard/been told through the grape vine that she still makes a point of saying/doing things to try to prove to me (what I have no idea)....not to mention 1-2 additonal girls who I found out after the fact were "jealous" of me (and seriously people, I'm clueless as to why) and were competing with me. The more pissed I'd get, the more harm they'd do...so I learned NOT to let it bug me, or more importantly, NOT to let it show them that it bugged me (which in return, pissed them off more).
Unfortunately, some "friends" are just jealous, and you'll quickly realize that they're NOT your true friends. Just focus on your real, true friends.
ps - that would TOTALLY ANNOY THE CRAP OUT OF ME - what a biatch!
I'm sorry, but it sounds like at worst she's occasionally acted immature, but that you are being extremely petty and narcissistic. Seriously? You think she got engaged, moved her wedding up, AND got pregnant just to steal your spotlight?? Is it possible that people sometimes make decisions that have nothing to do with you? Would you really expect her to alter her major life decisions-- hold off on getting engaged for until you were married, wait to have a child until your baby was sufficiently old-- just so that you can have more time in the spotlight? If any of your friends had asked you to make that kind of sacrifice, how would you have reacted? It wasn't even like they got engaged the day after you-- you had four months of having that proverbial spotlight all to yourself, and you were still upset!! When would it have been OK? And how on EARTH does her being engaged/ married/ pregnant at all make you any less special??
I hope that you can take in this very serious advice. In your original post, you mentioned twice that you felt special for the first time in your life-- first when you got engaged, and second when you got pregnant. Getting married does not entitle you to be showered with attention-- it's about making a very important commitment. Having a baby is not about feeling special, it's about bringing a human being into the world. If these have been the only times in your life that you've felt special, then I hope that you can look at your life and recognize the things you may have overlooked and change the things that have prevented you from seeing them in the first place. Of course you are special, and if the major life decisions of your friends seriously prevents you from seeing that, then please recognize that the problem is not with your friends, the problem is how you are viewing yourself and the world.
^^ I can see how this is a 'similar' situation. Yours, however is much different from my point of view. You both graduated from college, and were quite supportive of each other and it just so happened that your paths of life crossed each others' quite nicely. My friend has taken one semester in college, her husband has a somewhat unstable construction career, and neither are going to college anytime soon and plan to live with her parents until they can afford to buy a house. My dh has been at his job for 9 years and is almost finished with his degree (in his career field) and I am almost half way through my schooling and have a part time job to help pay for bills. We did not know each other in high school at all and to be honest, have only known each other a little over a year and a half now.. I understand she wants her moment as well, but she just told me they were waiting to have kids because they weren't in the right position to have them at the time (which in my opinion, no one really is, myself included) and then she invites myself and MY friends that I introduced her to to a girls day so she could share the news... it was just all weird how it worked out.
^^ I wanted to vent, not be told that I was part of petty HS drama... there's much more to this story that I chose not to tell for other reasons.. yes, I do know that she somewhat pushed her husband into proposing.. I've spoken with both of them. I'm not annoyed that she got married and is having a reception a few months later, I'm annoyed at the circumstances and that she is having ANOTHER ceremony And reception.. When you have to deal with it everyday... it's very hard to just let things go. And as to what kind of friend I am, you cannot be the judge of that. I just wanted to get things off my chest and was replying to posts that asked questions...
Maybe I should not have used the term "narcissistic"-- that may be overstating it, and I didn't mean to offend you. I don't know you at all and can't judge your character. But all I have to go by is your original post, plus your follow-ups, and as a completely impartial total stranger, it comes off as petty and self-centered. You might consider some alternative perspectives.
If her values-- including the fact that she had premarital sex-- conflict with your own, you have every right to end this friendship. I hope you'll consider that having sex before marriage is something that most people do or have done, and is not necessarily indicative of immaturity or inability to parent, but I'm in no position to tell you how to feel.
Also, while the strength of your negativity makes me think that this friendship is not long for this world (and if your names are really always rattled off in the same breath, then maybe you're a little enmeshed and some space might not be a bad idea), please consider what an important support system having a good friend who is pregnant at the same time as you would be. When I told my best friends that I was pregnant, I jokingly said that they all need to get pregnant too now, so I can have someone to commiserate with!
I can understand how things may have came off and I think part of me being annoyed is the hormones getting to me with all of it... it's a completely new set of hormonal imbalances to deal with. In no way do I find premarital sex to indicate immaturity or an inability to parent.. (I myself am guilty of this, to be honest).. it was the fact that they were told to abstain by their young adult pastor and how they explained things to us (it just didn't sit right with any of it). We had a similar discussion with our pastor and chose to abstain and they were going to be somewhat accountability partners)
I can see how it was petty, but I just felt that I needed to get it off my chest to strangers that did not know her (I honestly did not want to damage her reputation with anyone in our lives), thus why I came here to vent and feel frustration.
To be honest, this is a double-standard statement, but if they had waited to have their original planned wedding in April and even had a honeymoon baby, I would have many different opinions on the situation, but the way that things worked out and how she's been acting lately has just struck me funny. I apologize for snapping at you and I didn't mean to, I was just feeling a little hurt (unintentionally) because I originally intended to vent and feel annoyed at someone, but I can understand the perspective when you haven't met me or the other person..