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1st Trimester
Do you look down on unmarried mothers to be
a little background. My fiance and I have known each other 10 years, we have been together over a year as a couple and have been engaged for a few months now and are actively planning a October 2011 wedding. I found out I was pregnant AFTER we got engaged and are thrilled about it, however I have been feeling a little judgement from other people in our lives. A family member of his actually said she thought it was sad we now HAD to get married and pretty much told me I should drop the plans I have made already (including an $1100 dress) and just go to city hall. My dress is on order and won't be done for another 2 months. It is my dream dress and I cannot imagine wearing anything else and to me running to the courthouse just seems cheap and not special and nothing I ever saw myself doing. I know I shouldn't let other people's opinions bother me, but it is making me a little self conscious and I was just wondering what opinions everyone else has on the matter.
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Re: Do you look down on unmarried mothers to be
The same thing actaully happened to me, but the lady who wanted us to get married before the baby arrived was my husbands grandmother. We did not take her advice and continued on as planned. We got married when my son was 15 months old, the wedding was beautiful and i wouldn't change it for anything, his grandma had a great time and so did our son. We now have two boys aged 3 and 19 months and are trying for 1 more.I think if you listen to that lady you wil regret it for ever, do what makes you and her fiance happy.
Wow. You should watch what you write, especially after you wrote that YOU are feeling judged.
We had a "courthouse" wedding after we had an elaborate April 2011 wedding planned already. We only had a few thousand or so dollars of deposits into it and instead of wasting over $10,000 on a wedding, we decided to spend it on baby. It wasn't "cheap" and to us it was absolutely "special." A wedding should be about being in love and what other people think, shouldn't matter. We had an amazing evening and will never forget our wedding.
Also, for your information, not being "married" before the baby comes isn't something I look down upon. We don't live in the 40's anymore. Times, they are a changin'. However, I do look down upon someone who judges others but is boo-hooing about being judged themselves. Keep your judgmental comments off the board.
Wow. Can you over react more? She was not making any judgements on people who have courthouse weddings. Hence:
She stated her opinion, and what she wouldn't want to do for herself. Which is against NO board rules.
It seems to me that you were digging for something to be offended about. If you are happy with the way your wedding was - then there's no need for you to jump all over her for wanting to be happy with the wedding she wants. Part of knowing what you want is knowing what you don't want and why. To her if it seems cheap and not special- that's okay. She didn't say anything about other people that do it.
The only time I look down on unmarried mothers to be is if there's a ton of immature baby daddy, need to grow up drama surrounding the situation.
I honestly don't have patience for that.
Otherwise, if you're in a stable relationship but not married, it doesn't matter to me.
And I also don't think you were judging courthouse weddings. Just because it's not your thing, doesn't mean you're judging it either.
Maybe not. But to call them cheap and not special, even if she is just stating her "opinion," is a bit offensive. Just saying people need to watch what they say on here, especially because of hormones. Yes, I got offended.
If it were my "opinion" that unmarried mothers were a disgrace and should get married as soon as possible, I wouldn't post it. I also wouldn't post that something, in my opinion, is cheap and unspecial... Just saying it wasn't her thing would have sufficed.
I don't look down on someone because they are an unwed mother (and I don't like "look down", maybe disapprove), but if you are an unwed mother making poor choices for yourself and your unborn baby then yes, you won't find me bubbling over the fact that you've chosen to worsen your situation. For example, my co-worker...who has had 4 "oops" pregnancies and won't work full time because she'll loose her welfare checks.
If you are financially stable and prepared to raise a child, I don't really care about marital status....though for the sake of simplicity with the birth certificate and medical records...if you were planning on marriage anyway, I'd JOP it and have a vow renewal later.
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It's 2011. No one cares if you're married as long as you take care of your responsibilities in a mature fashion.
Do you really think anyone is going to respond otherwise? I don't see the point of this post. You said you're self-conscious about what people think and you know you shouldn't let it bother you, then you ask on the internet what people think about you. Why?
ETA: fixed word
MC 9/8/10
Baby Boy Born 7/31/11
She asked for that opinion too. You could've said it. I think you're digging for drama here. Also, if this is what gets you upset on the Bump you're going to be angry and defensive all of the time. You seem as if you are worried about being judged about your courthouse wedding. If you really were fine with it, you wouldn't care what other people esp. INTERNET strangers thought.
Hormones are also not an excuse for everything.
Huh? You need to read other people's posts on here before you comment. 1. I was unmarried when I was pregnant, so why the f would I judge? 2. I'm not "digging" for drama. Just don't think people who don't want to be judged should judge. 3. Obviously, I am fine with it since I did it. Do you really think I give a flying f about what ignorant internet strangers such as yourself think? Nope! Just think people should watch what they say. 4. I didn't make hormones an excuse for me. Just saying people are touchy when pregnant.
So in conclusion. Maybe read other people's posts before you spout off, honey.
Considering how many effective forms of birth control there are I don't really understand couples who get pregnant either prior to marriage or while planning a wedding. I hear some women say how they aren't ready to commit to marriage yet but they seem to be missing out on how having a baby with someone is a way bigger commitment than marriage is.
In your situation, if you have this big, dream wedding planned then why didn't you wait to get pregnant? When you get pregnant it's not just about you anymore, it's about the baby. I guess I'm old fashioned but I'm happy that my children were not present at my wedding.
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She was saying for her personally she wouldn't go that route. DH and I chose not to do a courthouse wedding because we wanted a normal wedding with a dress and everything. My whole family did courthouse weddings and so did DH's and we just didn't want that.
I think you're fine no matter which way you go.
Get your dream dress, have your dream wedding- as long as you can afford it, it's NBD.
Wow. And people jumped down MY throat. FYI: Not all forms of birth control are effective. I got pregnant on Seasonique (birth control) while we were planning our wedding. And just in case you didn't realize: We are in the 21st century. You don't have to be married to have a healthy, successful child.
So ya... Not all methods of birth control are effective. Duh.
Not to retread eighth grade health class or anything, but abstinence is the only way to prevent pregnancy 100% of the time. You shouldn't assume someone was not on BC just because a pregnancy was unplanned.
Which is not even the real issue I have with your comment - marriage does not guarantee a happy home or committed parenting. If a couple decides to become parents sans wedding licence, that is their business and certainly does not mean they won't be devoted or committed to their child. Who am I or you or anyone to pass judgement on how a family comes together?
What about same sex couples who are denied the right to marry? They have no choice but to plan their families without a wedding first. Doesn't mean they won't be wonderful parents, and provide their children with a stable and loving home.
OP - No, I don't look down on unmarried mothers-to-be. What a silly thing to judge someone on. Be a good parent and love your kid. Other than that, I couldn't care less.
You are the one that is coming off as ignorant and judgmental, "honey". But keep digging that hole.
My thoughts exactly. I was LOVING that this board (and the first tri board) seem to have so much LESS drama than the TTC board... I hope it stays that way and that we can avoid looking for drama or getting defensive.
And honestly, I am probably in the minority, but I really do think that if you're in a stable relationship and you are committed enough to have a child, than you may want to consider getting married. My DH and joke that NOW it's for real (after 3 and a half years of marriage!) because a kid solidifies us for life... You can divorce someone and never see them again, but if you divorce the father of your child, he'll still be in your life FOREVER.
I'm not saying this to offend, but just to show the other side of it. Hope this helps you in your decision making! Perhaps you could plan a special wedding more quickly? But every woman deserves the wedding SHE wants (not the one mom or grandma wants) so be sure the decision is one you can live with. Good luck!
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PgAL and PAL always welcome...As for the person who said something about your wedding, how old were they? I'm guessing they were older (and filter is going away) and they are just old fashioned. I can't keep track of all the people I know who are doing what you are planning to do; remember the TV Show Bethanny Getting Married? And like someone said above do what is right for your family, everyone is different. Good luck.
OP, i hate to say it, but no matter what you do, someone will judge. It is just the nature of the beast. Child before marriage does not make old school people comfortable.
My family would judge me as well. Ppl from my town would judge. It is just how it is. Im sorry to say.
And Risk#@, get your panties out of a wad. She wasn't bashing ppl who have courthouse marriage. She just doesn't want one. If you let something like this piss you off, you have a long road ahead of you.
Kindly swively your head to the left, HONEY. Notice where by your posts it states: Newbie? That means you are NEW to this board and perhaps don't understand/know what the boards are really all about. Nor should you be stating what should be "kept off the board". To be quite honest, you sound like a jacka$$ here...not the op.
Snark, judgements, opinions, comments, arguments and squabbles flourish on TB. If you can't handle it, you should stop now before your panties get in a wad.
Anyone else think this is kind of a dumb question? Do you really think if someone did look down on unwed mothers that they would risk the flaming and come out and say it? Yea...I have been here a long time and know maybe 3 people who would say it but a lot more who would think it.
I myself couldn't give a crap. I have a lot of friends who are single moms, and my mom was pregnant with me at her wedding. No biggie.
yup
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Did you just srsly say "duh"? Wow, you're super cool.
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