Do you look down on unmarried mothers to be

Scout05

AmberZ2be:

rkhouse:

Clearly, where you have apparently needed IVF to conceive (based on that little personal history caption you have there under your comment) you don't have an understanding of how it works when birth control fails in women who don't have issues with their fertility - yes, it can, and DOES

bahahah. Yes, because anyone that uses ART obviously doesn't know jackshiit about fertility. Thanks for that lesson.

Yeeeeah, I'm going to have to agree with Amber on this one. I know BC can, on occasion, fail.

But anyone who is going through the ART process is well versed in the subject of fertility, I promise you. And just as a little FYI, there are plenty of women who used BC when they were younger who later found themselves dealing with IF. It's not like the two are mutuallyexclusive.

This was not a very nice thing to say, and it's generally not appreciated when someone throws another poster's IF history back at them like this.

bbhalphen

rkhouse:

Clearly, where you have apparently needed IVF to conceive (based on that little personal history caption you have there under your comment) you don't have an understanding of how it works when birth control fails in women who don't have issues with their fertility - yes, it can, and DOES happen. 

Wow.  F you. 

rkhouse

Some people are obviously missing the point I was making - I realize that anyone going though IVF would be well-educated in the matter of reproduction and fertility - my point was, it is really easy to judge and belittle others who on the flip side end up becoming pregnant without it being something that was carefully planned. To say that you don't understand how unmarried couples can get pregnant when there are so many effective birth control options is quite insulting a presumptuous...if she were in the shoes of someone who had their birth control fail, she would then understand. Perhaps then she wouldn't be so quick to judge. That was my point.

Scout05

rkhouse:

Some people are obviously missing the point I was making - I realize that anyone going though IVF would be well-educated in the matter of reproduction and fertility - my point was, it is really easy to judge and belittle others who on the flip side end up becoming pregnant without it being something that was carefully planned. To say that you don't understand how unmarried couples can get pregnant when there are so many effective birth control options is quite insulting a presumptuous...if she were in the shoes of someone who had their birth control fail, she would then understand. Perhaps then she wouldn't be so quick to judge. That was my point.

I'm being as nice as I can when I say this: Leave people's IF history alone. There is nothing easy about it, and while I didn't agree with that poster's comments (and said so), I don't believe her history of fertility struggles had anything to do with what she said. You can disagree with her - again, I do and did - without resorting to what is, in reality, a low blow.

thequeeenbee

itsmevkb:

Considering how many effective forms of birth control there are I don't really understand couples who get pregnant either prior to marriage or while planning a wedding.  I hear some women say how they aren't ready to commit to marriage yet but they seem to be missing out on how having a baby with someone is a way bigger commitment than marriage is. 

In your situation, if you have this big, dream wedding planned then why didn't you wait to get pregnant?  When you get pregnant it's not just about you anymore, it's about the baby.  I guess I'm old fashioned but I'm happy that my children were not present at my wedding.

Wow. I was unaware that birth control was 100% effective. Get over yourself.

OP: I don't judge. As long as a person (old, young, single, married, whatever) is doing the best that they can, and taking care of their responsibilities, it's all good by me.  

thequeeenbee

Oops. Double post.

rkhouse

ambrandau2 (and anyone else who may have been offended by my original post): I never meant to insult anyone struggling with fertility issues - it must be an incredibly painful thing to deal with, and that was never my intent. Go on to read the rest of what I wrote - my point was that a marriage certificate does not dictate whether or not you will become a good and loving parent, and that when it happens that you do become pregnant in spite of taking precautions, how can someone who hasn't been in this situation before presume to judge how you got there? Again, I apologize if I have insulted you - my reaction was one of someone who was floored / insulted by a comment that seemed to insinuate that unmarried expectant couples must be irresponsible, selfish individuals who lack the ability to plan their lives and their families properly. In the future, I will be more mindful of how I make my point.

Lauraluvsphan

Well, as for myself I'm engaged and we've been engaged for over a year now. My fiance has a stable career and I'm in nursing school. I have no plans to get married until 2012, right after I graduate. I really don't care what people think about my situation, everybody is different. Although I would have liked to have a wedding before the baby...its okay to me that it didn't work out that way  

Also, Jan of 2010 my father was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer and I'm the only one of out of my 3 other siblings that takes care of my father besides my mom. Through out this time I did not even think about planning my wedding bc my mother and I are the primary caregivers for my father. As of July 2010, the doctors said my father has less than a year left to live, so I'm just spending all of my free time with him and I'm praying and hoping he will be able to meet our LO. 

 Sorry for the long post.

missdelica

I would tell the family member who was so boldly rude to you  that we are not living in the 50's here. It is 2011. Heck some people are opting for never getting married.  Same sex couples are having children of their own too and not all of them are married.  If the children are loved and properly taken care of it doesnt matter if you are married or not. Good luck with your wedding dear. I am sure it will be wonderful.

marieconley3

While I love being married I don't think I'm better than people living together that are unmarried. Marriage is often a religious decision, while this is not wrong in any way it's not right for all people. And the judgment often comes from this as premartial sex is taught to be wrong. Again not saying religious viewpoints are wrong simply not strictly upheld in societal codes much anymore.

I've been married for a year. One that was done with only us as his family is in another country and mine is ugh. We did it for us, not for the world. Since it was just us we simply signed the papers at the courthouse. A simple "I want to be with you forever."

If family members have an issue with you being pregnant before marriage simply explain you loved him when you got pregnant and you will continue to love him and want to share that love with your beloved. The marriage is not about the pregnancy, but about your love for one another.

itsmevkb

ambrandau2:

itsmevkb:

Considering how many effective forms of birth control there are I don't really understand couples who get pregnant either prior to marriage or while planning a wedding.  I hear some women say how they aren't ready to commit to marriage yet but they seem to be missing out on how having a baby with someone is a way bigger commitment than marriage is. 

In your situation, if you have this big, dream wedding planned then why didn't you wait to get pregnant?  When you get pregnant it's not just about you anymore, it's about the baby.  I guess I'm old fashioned but I'm happy that my children were not present at my wedding.

Not to retread eighth grade health class or anything, but abstinence is the only way to prevent pregnancy 100% of the time. You shouldn't assume someone was not on BC just because a pregnancy was unplanned.

Which is not even the real issue I have with your comment - marriage does not guarantee a happy home or committed parenting. If a couple decides to become parents sans wedding licence, that is their business and certainly does not mean they won't be devoted or committed to their child. Who am I or you or anyone to pass judgement on how a family comes together?

What about same sex couples who are denied the right to marry? They have no choice but to plan their families without a wedding first. Doesn't mean they won't be wonderful parents, and provide their children with a stable and loving home.

OP - No, I don't look down on unmarried mothers-to-be. What a silly thing to judge someone on. Be a good parent and love your kid. Other than that, I couldn't care less.

The poster didn't say that she was on birth control and got pregnant.  I think she would have mentioned that had it been the case.  And, yes, I realize that abstinence is the only 100% method, however, come on, millions of women aren't getting pregnant each year while using birth control the way it was meant to be used. 

Where in my comment did I say that marriage guarantees a happy home?  I didn't.  What I said that was I preferred to be married PRIOR to having children.  If someone wants to have children and not be married have at it, I just don't like hearing from people about how they feel they aren't ready for marriage but they are ready to commit to having children with someone and/or how their oops pregnancy is wrecking their "dream" wedding. 

itsmevkb

kdodge423:

rkhouse:

Some people are obviously missing the point I was making - I realize that anyone going though IVF would be well-educated in the matter of reproduction and fertility - my point was, it is really easy to judge and belittle others who on the flip side end up becoming pregnant without it being something that was carefully planned. To say that you don't understand how unmarried couples can get pregnant when there are so many effective birth control options is quite insulting a presumptuous...if she were in the shoes of someone who had their birth control fail, she would then understand. Perhaps then she wouldn't be so quick to judge. That was my point.

Had you fully read her siggy, it clearly states secondary infertility, which means she had no problems conceiving child #1 (and maybe even more than that one) and then went on to have a diagnosed fertility issue. So in all rights, it is conceivable that she has been on both ends of the spectrum.

Long story short- you took the douche route by dragging someone's fertility into a conversation that had nothing to do with fertility. End of story.

 

 You are right, I did not have problems conceiving either my first or third child.  My second, fourth and fifth have required more help.  It's fine is someone wants to comment about my fertility or lack thereof, just don't touch my miscarriages.  Clearly, if they feel infertiles don't know much about getting pregnant they are wrong.

Also, you are all right, having struggled with both infertility and miscarriages, I know probably more than most women regarding getting pregnant so again, yes, I realize that all birth control is not effective all of the time.  However, the pill is 99% effective.  If someone told you that you had a 1% chance of getting pregnant would you think those odds were good?

Anyway, again, my comment was simply that if it were me planning my wedding I'd be using enough birth control to not get pregnant (the pill and condoms) because for ME I didn't want to be pregnant prior to getting married.  If the poster is fine with being pregnant at her wedding then go have a good time.  I won't even judge her if she decides to have a glass of champagne at the reception.

andreas4dogs

1) People who have courthouse weddings are smart because they don't waste money on something that is only a few hours.

2)No, I try not to judge on that sort of thing! Hell, I was 6 weeks pregnant at my own wedding. Some people aren't into the marriage thing, or are waiting, or whatever!