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TTC After a Loss
FmrAFBrat
member
Vent on ladies
FmrAFBrat
member
What were the worst things that people have said to you since your loss?
The top 3 for me were:
At least you weren't further along
At least you have your other tube
It wasn't meant to be
TTC January 2010
BFP #1 10-11-10 ectopic discovered 10-22-10,
10-23-10 methotrexate & emergency surgery, lost right tube BFP #2
12-1-10 Found to be tissue dropped from salingectomy or missed heterotopic
pregnancy from BFP #1 BFP #3 1-30-11 DS arrived on due date 10-10-11 BFP
#4 Surprise 9-3-12 EDD 5-9-13 DS2 arrived 5-5-13 BFP #5 5-14-14 Emergency D&C 6-16-14 9 weeks
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Vent on ladies
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at least you can get pregnant
I dont know why you are dwelling on it
and I loved the comment as I went to a baby shower 2 weeks after my third miscarriage " you better put on a happy face and push your own emotions aside" to which I bawled in the bathroom at the shower and said "friend" deleted me from FB as soon as I got home
MTHFR 2 copies of C677t mutation homozygous 2/2010
Baby A born via c-section 1/10/12 @38w3d
BFP #1 11/4/09 m/c 4w3d baby crab
BFP #2 12/4/09 m/c 9w3d baby lion
BFP #3 7/1/10 m/c 4w1d baby fish
BFP #4 5/8/11
BFP #5 8/17/12 10dpo beta 7
BFP#1: 7/14/10. EDD: 3/19/11--MMC-- D&C 9/2/10.
BFP#2: 12:22/10.EDD: 8/30/11 C/P 12/25/10
BFP#3: 10/26/11 EDD: 7/2/12-- Daniel born 7/14/12. My rainbow baby! BFP #4: 2.22/15 EDD: 11/4/15 C/P 2/28/15 BFP #5: 4/5/15 EDD 12/11/15 (Ectopic Pregnancy)
BFP #6: 3/2/16 EDD 11/5/16
<a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Baby Names"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1cfe4e" alt=" BabyFetus Ticker" border="0" /></a>MTHFR 2 copies of C677t mutation homozygous 2/2010
Baby A born via c-section 1/10/12 @38w3d
BFP #1 11/4/09 m/c 4w3d baby crab
BFP #2 12/4/09 m/c 9w3d baby lion
BFP #3 7/1/10 m/c 4w1d baby fish
BFP #4 5/8/11
BFP #5 8/17/12 10dpo beta 7
no one really knows except you ladies and a few people that read my blog...
Of course none of you ladies have been insensitive about it but I have heard a few things from the people that read my blog..
"Atleast you know you can get pregnant now" um yeah it took me a year and a half and it was actually considered a "fluke"
"Your young it will happen again.." just cause I'm young doesn't take the pain away..
"You should enjoy your life more first before you have kids" yeah cause Kids hinder you to enjoy life... I think children would enhance my life..
Edit: had to clarify that I hadn't heard these things here, yall are wonderful.
Maybe it's because of your mental issues you lost them
Maybe you aren't responsible enough
Maybe you don't deserve it
Maybe you should have a hysterectomy.
3."It wasn't meant to be/It'll happen."
2. "When are you and Dave gonna actually have kids?"
And this was the best on by far:
1. "I was kinda glad to hear you had a m/c because you and Dave aren't married yet and what if you broke up?"
People are such a$$holes!
BFP-2/4/10 EDD-9/27/10 M/C-2/11/10 7w3d D&C and Methotrexate-2/19/10
BFP-11/21/10 M/C-11/25/10
Clomid Cycle #1-BFN
Clomid Cycle #2-BFP-1/18/2011 M/C-1/26/2011
BFP-5/18/11 Riley arrived 2/3/12 8lbs6oz 21.5in
I love the "at least you can get pregnant." Its like "Great, but that doesn't help me if I can't stay pregnant!"
So sorry you had to deal with someone like that. Good riddance!!
Oh my gosh, that is so awful what a horrible friend!
WTF! ((hugs)) sweetie you deserve whatever you heart desires..
I know people like that, I'm sorry that was said to you.. Your better off without someone like that in your life anyway..
"You already have one, maybe you aren't meant to have more"
"At least you have a child at home already"
Someone sent us a sympathy card and in it they said "I'm sorry your baby wasn't strong enough to live."
Honestly, other than that, people were really, really nice. However, I will say that the most hurtful thing is when no one said anything. They just continued on like I had never been pregnant (and they all knew because I was almost 31w along) - friends, neighbors, co-workers - it was awful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Siggy Warning~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
People can be so insensitive...
I've had my MIL be the most insensitive.
It was more of what she's done.
1. She bought a charm bracelet (similiar to a Pandora) and she showed me the charm she bought for her granddaughter. "Look I have a granddaughter charm" This was a month after my last m/c.
2. Cousin- "You have plenty of time to have more children". Uhm no I don't even have one!
3. There was probably something wrong with it anyway.
Yep Great support.
"At least you know how you feel about having kids now"
"It was for the best, it was probably deformed or debilitated in some way"
" Next time you can prepare better"
And Jen your ex-friend is a complete sh!tehead. wth... she didn't deserve you anyways!
MTHFR 2 copies of C677t mutation homozygous 2/2010
Baby A born via c-section 1/10/12 @38w3d
BFP #1 11/4/09 m/c 4w3d baby crab
BFP #2 12/4/09 m/c 9w3d baby lion
BFP #3 7/1/10 m/c 4w1d baby fish
BFP #4 5/8/11
BFP #5 8/17/12 10dpo beta 7
Wait..SHE deleted you?? It should've been the other way around. What a royal biotch!! You don't need 'friends' like that.
BFP#1: 7/14/10. EDD: 3/19/11--MMC-- D&C 9/2/10.
BFP#2: 12:22/10.EDD: 8/30/11 C/P 12/25/10
BFP#3: 10/26/11 EDD: 7/2/12-- Daniel born 7/14/12. My rainbow baby! BFP #4: 2.22/15 EDD: 11/4/15 C/P 2/28/15 BFP #5: 4/5/15 EDD 12/11/15 (Ectopic Pregnancy)
BFP #6: 3/2/16 EDD 11/5/16
<a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Baby Names"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1cfe4e" alt=" BabyFetus Ticker" border="0" /></a>i have had some really great ones said to me..
"i dont know why ur so upset it wasnt even a baby yet"
"your still upset about ur m/c that was over a month ago"
"i dont know why ur making such a big deal out of it just try for another one"
There will be more after we lost Ella. That infuriated me!
With this baby:
Everything happens for a reason
It's not the end of the world
People have miscarriages all of the time
good that it happened early, because something was wrong with the baby........all of these from people who have never had a miscarriage or lost a child.
ETA: Three of these comments came from my boss. The same woman that cried for weeks when she found out she was pregnant with her third child, because she didn't want more children.
MTHFR 2 copies of C677t mutation homozygous 2/2010
Baby A born via c-section 1/10/12 @38w3d
BFP #1 11/4/09 m/c 4w3d baby crab
BFP #2 12/4/09 m/c 9w3d baby lion
BFP #3 7/1/10 m/c 4w1d baby fish
BFP #4 5/8/11
BFP #5 8/17/12 10dpo beta 7
My ohhh my I have been stewing on this all day!!!!!
-"You know this is going to be really hard on your father." Thanks mom.
-"Ohh..literally 12 hours after you tell us you miscarry. We were looking so forward to this." Thanks again mom.
-"We really think she (me) needs to check her nutrition choices." FIL (I'm vegetarian and hes an idiot)
-"She wasnt skiing was she?" New to family step MIL (I'm an active person and she takes the prize of most active moron.)
-"You seem to be taking this well. Dont worry, when my baby is born in March I will let you hold her all you want." Friend I should throat punch.
The comments I've gotten are pretty standard from what I've seen here:
-At least you know you can get pregnant
-At least it was early
-There was probably something wrong with the baby, its for the best.
My fave though was my fathers reaction. He meant well, but he was insistant that he needed to immediately go and tell my bro/SIL about it (they have a 3 month old). I'm pretty sure my ute has zero to do with SILs ute, but thanks for taking it upon yourself to spread the word when I was in no way ready for a phone call from them with their little girl babbling in the background.
BFP#2 2.5.11 (EDD 10.15.11) DS born 9.28.11
BFP#4 8.27.13 (EDD 5.6.14) DD born 4.23.14
My Recipe Blog
~All AL'ers welcome~
All of these things were said 2-6 wks afterward Nicholas was born:
MIL "When do you guys think you'll be over being sad."
SIL (she was 38 wks pg & it was 2 wks pp) "You know you should have done a midwife, clearly western tech didn't work. Maybe everything would be okay if you'd been more natural...I can't believe you induced labor....." DH told her off
"I find the whole thing fascinating (use being about to go on."
People are stupid!
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
I hope you no longer talk to this person, that is awful!
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
1. It's been long enough you should just get over it.
2. Maybe if you lost weight it would have lived.
I hate hearing my babies called an "it". Hate, hate, hate it!
The sad thing is that most people who say and do these awful things will never ever realize how insensitive they are being because luckily they will not have to deal with infertility or loss. I never wish is on anyone, but it's sad that people cannot step outside of themselves sometimes:
1) "At least is was too early for you to get attached"
2) This week as a friend of mine complained to me about having a newborn and two year old at home she said "I know you don't even have one baby, but believe me, two is hell sometimes" (won't be calling her back)
3) My FIL restored an antique tricycle. When he found out we were pregnant, he told us he was so excited to give it to us when the baby was born. After the m/c, my SIL got pregnant and mentioned the other day that FIL is giving the tricycle to them since we don't need it...gotta love that.
May unkind words be swallowed before spoken to you this year ladies!
M/C July 2009.
BFP #2 6/1/11(1st cycle on Clomid)
Norah Lynn was born on 2/3/2012
TTC again January 2014
Ahh, the insensitivity of people is endless.
My favourites that were said to me:
"It's too bad, but really there was nothing there..."
"It's for the best. I mean, could you imagine if it had lived and been horribly disfigured or something? Like it had eight legs and five eyes or something like that. Could you imagine trying to diaper a little octopus baby?" (I just stared wide eyed and mouth open...)
TTC#1 since May 2009
PCOS * Hypothyroid
Bean - BFP May 26, 2010. EDD Feb 3, 2011. Natural Miscarriage 8w5d - June 29, 2010.
Pumpkin - BFP Feb 8, 2011. EDD Oct 21, 2011. Natural Miscarriage 6w3d - Feb 28, 2011.
May 2015: IUI#2 - nada.
1. Why would you name you daughter (Avery) after a dog.
2. Why do you want pictures of your children on your walls? (From my own father who thinks seeing "dead" children is creepy and unstable.
I think Avery is beautiful for a girl's name...and if I had pictures of my LOs, I would hang them up too.
People can be so cruel! I'm sorry to hear that so many of you have had such mean things said to you.
My personal fave was when my co-worker said, "Don't worry, that wasn't your real baby anyway." I just stood there and let my mouth gape open...and she's like, "um, oh, I mean, it wasn't meant to be and that you will get your real baby later on" (like that's any better).
Oh, and another one -
After I confided in my friend what I'd been through with the loss, she says, "I hope you're ready to adopt!" with a big, jolly smile.
Now, I get that adoption could possibly be in my future, but why would someone say that, especially in the way she said it to me, right after a loss?! People can be so lame.
Here are some of what the co-irkers have told me when they found out:
1. "You blew your chances of getting a house." Because yes, having a m/c has something to do with buying a house around town.
2. "At least you can get pregnant, just can't stay pregnant."
3. "When are you going to have a baby?" Umm, if I didn't forget my crystal ball at home, I could have told you.
Because of the great "Snow"vember of 2015, my medicated cycle was cancelled. However, we were blessed with our little rainbow baby due on 8/14/15! Baby J had other plans and decided to make his grand ole entrance on 7/4/2015!
Surprise! Our little girl entered this world on 12/8/2016 after her eviction notice was long past due. Our little turkey baby turned into a snow baby!
OMG, I am sitting here with my mouth hanging open at your experiences!!! I cannot believe these people, so sorry ladies you have had to hear these people speak!!!
I have been fortunate that for the most part no one has said anything close to what you all have heard...mostly just "wasn't meant to be" and "it's better off this way since he had so many problems" - re: Conner. And DHs grandma who drives me crazy all the time, referred to him as "it" the entire time, even after we learned his diagnosis and that he was a boy...I wanted to smack her everytime, 80yrs old or not!
When will people learn that a simple "I'm so sorry" is all they need to say!!!
#3. "Some girl up front just had miscarriage at 8 weeks"
(says some big mouthed bi-otch that was sitting right next to me at the time)
#2. "Oh once you actually get to hear the heartbeat you'll love the baby so much"
(says a former friend who recently had a baby, as if you don't love the baby instantly and like seeing the heartbeat and never having that child isn't enough)
#1. Let me brace myself to relive it... I go to the hospital after just having learned about losing the baby, I have to have blood work done so that I can have a d&c the following day, the woman who checks in the patients asks me why I'm here, I tell her (barely able to speak) that I have to have surgery the following day, she replies
"Well, didn't you know you were having surgery tomorrow?"
I burst into tears hysterically and she felt really bad after the fact but still. brutal
WHAT?!!!! What crazy person said such hurtful things? I'm in utter shock. I am so sorry. (((hugs)))
For what it's worth... you are totally worth it. You will be a great mom. You are responsible enough. Never give up!