"I remember how this time last year I spent 90% of the day walking around
in a daze...bleak grayness and dismal shadows following me as I tried
to nurse a week old newborn. Lack of Sleep + Outrageous Anxiety +
Hypersensitivity to C-Section = MISERY in HELL.
I cried so much in the beginning I became dehydrated and would have spells of nausea and dizziness. The anxiety was as intense as it could be, often resulting in frantic calls to my counselor and wondering if hospitalization was an option. It was not. We have crappy medical insurance.
I sat looking out the window while the baby slept....tapping my legs in restlesness...wondering if the devil had taken possession of me. The horrid thoughts that raced through my head and the secondary thoughts that pummeled over them, wondering why these thoughts would originate in the first place, left me exhausted and hollow.
Why did I have a baby I could not care for? I could not attach myself to? It was too risky....To love something and someone THAT MUCH meant placing my heart outside of myself and always wondering if I'm doing the right thing.
And did I love him? I mean really? Just because I gave birth to him, who says I have to love him? I will have to fake the motions of motherhood so people don't lock me away somewhere. I'll just smile and nod when people tell me how beautiful he is, how lucky I am and how blessed I should feel to have a child.
However, I knew the truth. Babies, Children, People.... are a big hassle. I felt like an 8 year old girl given a real life baby doll to handle. Where were my instructions? Why isn't someone with me 24 hours a day directing me on what to do, how to feel...
I needed a kick in the pants and this little boy baby certainly gave it to me.
When I look back now to what those first few weeks, months...who am I kidding, I still have "it" (PPA & PPD) did to my psyche, I am amazed that I survived it. I suppose someone out there will say by the "grace of God" did I manage to not get myself hospitalized.
Perhaps it was the Grace of God. Perhaps it was cheap Health Insurance. Perhaps it was a combination of both but what I do know now???? It has humbled me to a new beginning."........