what a difference a Year makes....~~~~~
"I remember how this time last year I spent 90% of the day walking around
in a daze...bleak grayness and dismal shadows following me as I tried
to nurse a week old newborn. Lack of Sleep + Outrageous Anxiety +
Hypersensitivity to C-Section = MISERY in HELL.
I cried so much in the beginning I became dehydrated and would have
spells of nausea and dizziness. The anxiety was as intense as it could
be, often resulting in frantic calls to my counselor and wondering if
hospitalization was an option. It was not. We have crappy medical
insurance.
I sat looking out the window while the baby slept....tapping my legs in
restlesness...wondering if the devil had taken possession of me. The
horrid thoughts that raced through my head and the secondary thoughts
that pummeled over them, wondering why these thoughts would originate in
the first place, left me exhausted and hollow.
Why did I have a baby I could not care for? I could not attach myself
to? It was too risky....To love something and someone THAT MUCH meant
placing my heart outside of myself and always wondering if I'm doing the
right thing.
And did I love him? I mean really? Just because I gave birth to him,
who says I have to love him? I will have to fake the motions of
motherhood so people don't lock me away somewhere. I'll just smile and
nod when people tell me how beautiful he is, how lucky I am and how
blessed I should feel to have a child.
However, I knew the truth. Babies, Children, People.... are a big
hassle. I felt like an 8 year old girl given a real life baby doll to
handle. Where were my instructions? Why isn't someone with me 24 hours
a day directing me on what to do, how to feel...
I needed a kick in the pants and this little boy baby certainly gave it to me.
When I look back now to what those first few weeks, months...who am I
kidding, I still have "it" (PPA & PPD) did to my psyche, I am amazed
that I survived it. I suppose someone out there will say by the "grace
of God" did I manage to not get myself hospitalized.
Perhaps it was the Grace of God. Perhaps it was cheap Health
Insurance. Perhaps it was a combination of both but what I do know
now???? It has humbled me to a new beginning."........
"Wearing his BING CROSBY clothes and crooning...buuuh buuh buuuh"
Re: what a difference a Year makes....~~~~~
This sounds so familiar right now, it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for this post and giving me hope that things do get better.
This sounds so familiar right now, it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for this post and giving me hope that things do get better.